Hey, did you all have a great March 15th yesterday? If you had a Caesar Salad, I hope you stabbed the crap out of it. Yes, I know the salad is unrelated to the ancient political figure. It's just a joke. More examples are included for your enjoyment below.
At the Kennedy Space Center in Florida, an investigation is underway to figure out why a bag of cocaine was recently found on the premises. The most likely explanation, of course, is that the owner thought it was new Crystal Tang. That's a thing, right? If not, then it was probably just a coke-head. No need to worry; it's only rocket science.
In sports news, Adrian Peterson called the NFL "modern day slavery." He went on to say, "except that we make a whole lot of money and can bask in the love and adoration of our fans. Even those of us who play for the Lions."
In Russia, a bomb squad was recently deployed to disarm a suspected bomb which turned out to be a woman's vibrator. That must have been one confusing day for the squad's bomb-sniffing dog.
In an interview this week, musician Jon Bon Jovi blamed Steve Jobs, and iTunes, for "killing the music industry." Bon Jovi reminisced about a time when consumers bought records based on what the cover looked like, without knowing what the music was. "God, it was wonderful. You could just slap a cool picture of a skeleton or a hot chick on the jacket and you made millions. Now you have to write songs and stuff. Friggin' sucks." In a related story, Bon Jovi has 25 albums and singles available for purchase on iTunes! Get your fill now!
Comedian and supplemental insurance salesman Gilbert Gottfried was fired from his job as the voice of the Aflac duck, meaning that Gottfried will have to go back to being annoying without the aid of animated water fowl. A nationwide search is on to find his replacement. Casting directors are looking for someone with a voice as "annoying as shit" to fill the role.
In the UK, a celebrity dentist may be fired from his show on Channel 4 after admitting to an affair with one of his patients. The most shocking aspect of the story, however, is the startling revelation that British people are so God-awful boring that a dentist can become a TV star there.
A recent study from Cambridge University found that people who were happy as children tend to get divorced as adults, whereas people who were unhappy children tend to stay married in order to inflict the maximum amount of sorrow upon their unwitting partners. Go ahead, write a song about that, Timberlake.
And finally, another study from the Rush Medical Center found that people who have a fulfilling purpose in life live longer than people who don't. So, good news! If you've got a crappy, meaningless life that you hate, at least it will be short. And that's basically The Secret. There, you just saved twenty bucks. You're welcome.
And you're welcome to come back here for jokes all week long. Leave your comments, share your favorite posts with e-friends, and have a great Wednesday! See you tomorrow!
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