Thursday Morning Monologue - March 17, 2011

Welcome back, hope you're having a wonderful (whatever time of day you're experiencing)! We've got a great blog for you today, so let's get to it!

Actress and director Jodie Foster once again defended Mel Gibson in the press, saying "I will love him for the rest of my life," before adding "but not like that. You know." Somewhere in federal prison, John Hinkley stared out a window and whispered "yeah, I know."

In literary news, Jermaine Jackson announced he is writing a book this week, and no one cared at all.

In England, a man was sentenced to 3.5 years in prison for forcing his stepson to sleep in a straightjacket and restraints. Let this serve as a warning: parents, don't try and force your children to live out your failed dream of being a famous escape artist. In all seriousness, it's pretty awful to make a kid sleep in a straightjacket, but at least he wasn't being raised in the Westboro Baptist Church.

In an unrelated story, the Republican National Committee is exploring the possibility of selling broadcast rights for the 2012 GOP Presidential Primary Debates. This makes sense, considering the candidates will have already been bought and paid for.

In Italy, Silvio Berlusconi defended himself in the press against charges that he paid for sex with 33 women in a two month period. His defense: he's too old to have had sex with them all in such a short amount of time. And that's probably true. He probably only banged some of them.

Disney announced today that the proposed remake of The Yellow Submarine has been cancelled, due to the fact that people aren't taking nearly enough psychedelic drugs for the film to be profitable.

Speaking of news that makes you think you've been drugged, Nevada's favorite daughter, Sharon Angle, is planning to run for the U.S. House of Representatives. The RNC has pledged its support, offering her a truckload of "Sharon Angle in 2011" yard signs.

And finally, Seann William Scott signed on for another sequel in the American Pie franchise, telling his fans "well, it was either this or another tired King Lear remake. And they very rarely let you drink a beer spiked with semen in Shakespeare. Don't worry, I know who I am."

That's all for me this week, I do hope you remember me fondly. Spencer is here tomorrow, and Earnest is back on Sunday, so do keep coming back! Let us know what you think, and please tell your friends!