Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2012

What's happening, friends? What happened yesterday? I don't know. This stuff is all made up.

At the GOP convention last night, Ann Romney said of her husband Mitt that he would "lift up the country," presumably to see if any coins or other money were beneath it.

In other Ann Romney news, she recently taped an interview detailing her miscarriage, because that's way less personal and difficult to talk about than her husband's tax returns.

In Brazil, a man and two women sparked controversy by registering together for a civil union. Local religious groups are protesting the union on the grounds that it could make these people happy.

Retail computer news now. Someone has apparently leaked the Apple Store's training manual for the "Genius Bar," including tips and tricks for fixing common issues. Insiders think it may be part of a plot to keep Apple users from asking so many stupid questions at the Genius Bar.

A medical study from the U.K. said that heavy pot use among young people can lead to a loss of I.Q. points as adults. Also, it can contribute to you having just completely shit taste in music.

United Airlines flights were delayed for two and a half hours yesterday due to a computer virus, which was a change for the airline as it normally relies on good old human incompetence to delay their flights.

News outlets in Greece reported a Greek tanker ship seized by pirates off the Togo coast. Unfortunately for the pirates, it was immediately repossessed by the bank.

And finally, Duran Duran cancelled their third straight show on advice from keyboardist Nick Rhodes' doctor. The doctor clarified the situation, saying "oh, there's nothing wrong with him. I just hate their music. They should cancel all their shows."

Oops, that's it. I'm gonna go listen to The Wedding Album now.

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