Monday, August 6, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 7, 2012

What up, party people? Shall we commence to joking?

Revenue for Yelp.com is up 67% this quarter, largely because the site has been getting such positive reviews on itself.

Doctors find that honey can ease nighttime coughing for children, but not if you mix it with whiskey. That will just make 'em mean.

Speaking of children and nighttime, another study found that watching nonviolent videos before bed will calm preschoolers, especially if they're scared little bitches.

In technology news, Lenovo unveiled a new line of ThinkPad laptops with a completely redesigned Blue Screen of Death.

Chrysler Motor Company told investors this weekend that their new 3D modelling program is lowering the cost of designing transmissions, although most Chevy drivers are already well-acquainted with their "exploded view."

Novartis and Penn State University are partnering to create a drug that trains the immune system to spot and destroy cancer cells. Now if only someone could teach Penn State employees to spot and stop pedophilia.

Musician and dementia-enthusiast Ted Nugent said yesterday that President Obama "represents everything bad about humanity," which is a pretty rude thing to say about the American people.

And finally, NASA's Curiosity Rover landed on Mars yesterday, after the harrowing "Seven Minutes of Terror" when it was out of contact with NASA and flying on its own. "Seven Minutes of Terror" is also what the stuck-up assholes in High School called it when they were playing spin-the-bottle and had to make out with a nerd. Well guess what, dickheads! A bunch of nerds just landed on Mars, AND YOUR TAX DOLLARS PAID FOR IT! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! SUCK IT!

Okay, hope you enjoyed this! More tomorrow.

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