Sunday, August 19, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - August 20, 2012

Here's some jokes.

The Olympics ended last Sunday, and NBC just finished the last of its delayed broadcast. Now they’ll have to go back to sucking at regular programs for the next four years. They’ve got a new show premiering tonight: “America’s Got No Reason To Watch NBC.”

Doctors recently found a link between blood type and an increased risk of heart disease. Especially if your blood type is “Fatass.”

Did you hear that Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries is unlikely to be finalized this year? This means her divorce proceedings will be twice as long as her marriage. Said Kim, “if I knew divorce was such a huge commitment, I probably would have just stayed married.”

The owner of Surfthechannel, a website that streamed illegal copies of television shows, just got sentenced to prison this week. I bet now he wishes he hadn’t watched all those episodes of OZ.

Actress Lindsay Lohan will earn two million dollars in 2012, or as she calls it “half my legal fees.”

Jennifer Aniston is engaged to Justin Theroux, so she’ll be off the market for at least six months.

Reuters reported that U.S. bank examiners ordered American banks to make plans for preventing another collapse like the one in 2008. They then ordered the banks to build a time machine. I’m kidding, of course. U.S. bank examiners can’t order anyone to do anything.

And finally, two New Jersey towns turned down offers to film the next Jersey Shore spinoff, but that’s probably just because the towns weren’t drunk enough yet.

That's all!

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