Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 31, 2012

Hey, you guys ever wonder what it would be like to watch a crappy, hacky standup comic after the zombie apocalypse? Well, I bet it'd go something like this...

Wow, look at this room! Guess the walking dead only eat pretty people!

Speaking of pretty people, you hear what happened to Kate Moss? Yeah, she got turned into a zombie. Still won't eat, though. She's so skinny!

Anybody here raised by zombie parents? Yeah, zombie parents don't give you a "time out" when you're a kid, right? They give you a BITE out! AMIRITE!? Oh, child abuse.

My girlfriend turned into a zombie. I realized it when she stopped nagging, and started gnawing! This guy knows what I'm talking about!

You know what they say, you can't live with 'em, and you can't kill 'em, because they're already dead.

Those bozos in Congress have been useless, right? Looks like someone already ate their brains! AH HUH, AH HUH, AH HUH! Those zombies must have starved to death! 'Cause those guys are so dumb! AH HUH, AH HUH, AH HUH!

I envy the dead!

And you guys in this town, you are some crazy drivers! Tell you what, those walking dead better start running! Or else you'll run 'em over with your cars.

Can we get a hand for your waitstaff? Be sure to tip 'em well, you guys. Or not, they'll probably be dead tomorrow anyway.

Hey, you ever notice how black zombies groan like "ggggggggggggrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaRRRRRRRRRoooooowwwwwwww" and white zombies are all like "buuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggoooooaaaaaaaaaarrrrrooooooooo?" I mean, come on! LOOSEN UP, ALREADY!

Oh, sorry, didn't mean to offend you guys. No, it's fine. You're not the first people to step out into a parking lot filled with bloodthirsty zombies rather than hear the rest of my show.

Well, looks like that's my time. I'll be in the lobby selling t-shirts and fire axes until the deathless horde breaks down the door--thank goodness it's not my ex-wife, RIGHT FELLAS!

Thank you, and goodnight!

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