What a great day for making fun of stuff!
Happy Thursday, ladies. You ready for some jokes?
Hundreds of thousands of red baby crabs are invading the Cayman Islands this month as part of their seasonal migration. But they're not trying to evade taxes. They're animals, not assholes.
In asshole news, John Edwards' defense team rested its case yesterday without calling John Edwards to the stand to defend himself, probably because he still hasn't figured out how.
The trial also ended without calling his ex-mistress Rielle Hunter to the stand, although that's probably because the defense wasn't allowed any "booty calls."
Google announced its new search tool will work more like a human brain, which I'm guessing means search results will be misspelled, forgotten, and mostly porn.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn is countersuing the New York hotel maid who accused him of rape. He's suing her for $1,000,000, because he just can't stop screwing her.
In New York, a paralyzed woman was given a robotic arm that she can control with her thoughts. Previous prototypes were controlled by withholding sex and making passive-aggressive insults.
Speaking of passive-aggressive insults, Major League Baseball will be holding its 2013 All-Star game at the New York Mets' Citi Field.
And finally, the Department of Justice announced it is opening an investigation into the massive losses at JP Morgan Chase. In a related story, a fat guy just opened a new gym membership 10 miles from his house. Neither one is likely to get results.
Sorry for the downer! Let's do this again soon, okay?
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