Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 23, 2011

Better late than never? We'll see about that. Here's 1.5 blogs for you.

Hulk Hogan's divorce was finalized today, and his ex-wife managed to get sole custody of their Hulkamania.

President Obama pardoned the White House turkey today, which is good news for other turkeys who are similar prisoners of conscience.

In France, hundreds of protesters blocked a train filled with nuclear waste headed for Germany. Although most of them were just hoping to get super powers.

In the UK over the weekend, the television series Dr. Who accidentally received an award meant for another series. But don't worry, they can just hop in the TARDIS and fix it. Right, nerds?

Newt Gingrich, the new GOP presidential frontrunner, is calling for a "humane" stance on immigration, in the clearest indication yet that he doesn't actually want to be president.

Due to the spread of Facebook and Twitter, sociologists now estimate that each person is separated from every other person by 4.72 people, instead of six, which means that 1.28 people are no longer necessary. I think I just figured out unemployment.

In financial news, Netflix is selling $200 million in bonds. But they're not calling them bonds. But then they are. But they're actually twice as expensive. But then they're not. But at least you can get them on your iPhone.

On the 700 Club, holy roller Pat Robinson caused some trouble this week when he asked if "mac and cheese" was a "black thing." In his defense, however, it should be noted that he's a xenophobic old coot who is out of touch with society and reality.

Herman Cain signed a hard-line pro-life pledge today. Maybe that's not so shocking, considering how he already seems to think he's in control of women's bodies.

Michele Bachmann is demanding an apology from musician Questlove for playing the song "Lyin' Ass Bitch" when Bachmann appeared on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I don't know. Makes sense considering her performance in the debate last night.

Legendary stylist Guido Palau said in an interview this week that Kim Kardashian is "our generation's Marilyn Monroe." Kim, you might want to think twice if Guido offers you any pills.

And finally, astronomers and biologists ranked the livability of earth-like planets located in other solar systems. They examined the planets in terms of gravity, distance from their suns, and proximity to Starbucks.

And that's all! See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!