Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 22, 2011

It's Thursday! Crack open the bubbly and celebrate! Start with some jokes, why don't you?

You've seen the video of the FedEx driver throwing a computer monitor over a fence, right? Pretty bad stuff. But still not nearly as bad as the videos from his previous job as a neonatal nurse.

Celebrated bastard Pat Robertson said earlier this week that gay people should simply "un-acquire" their sexuality. You know, like how he un-acquired his sense of human empathy and understanding?

In New Mexico, a woman trapped in her car during a snowstorm gave birth to a healthy baby! She then immediately pulled over to the carpool lane.

Kim Kardashian said in an interview that "mistakes shape our lives," adding "and I've made a lot of mistakes related to my ass."

Remember how Britney Spears got married for 55 hours one time? (that we know of) Well, her "husband" is back in the news, claiming that her current engagement is "fake." He said it's a financial arrangement, and "as fake as every orgasm she had with me." That's pretty fake.

Chinese hackers broke into the U.S. Chamber of Commerce yesterday, apparently forgetting that they could just as easily buy their way in.

The leader of the Scottish group VisitScotland.com said that the new Pixar film about Scotland "could boost" the country's image and spirits. He then added, "does anyone have any heroin?"

And finally, North Korea's new leader Kim Jong-Un will be sharing power with the country's military leadership in a plan designed to keep himself from being assassinated. So good news, North Korea! Don't think of it as losing one tyrannical autocrat so much as you're gaining dozens of tyrannical autocrats. Watch how love expands and grows.

But that's as much expanding and growing as we're going to do today. Come back tomorrow. Maybe Spencer has a growth you can check out. Till then, have a great day!

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