A survey found that over one third of American shoppers are done with their holiday gift purchases for the year. This is due in equal parts to Americans not having any money, and the fact that most American children were little shits this year.
In a move to avoid total bankruptcy, the US Postal Service is cutting 28,000 jobs. Hope they don’t get disgruntled.
The postal service's restructuring is part of a plan to save the USPS by slowing down the delivery of mail. That’s like saving a relationship by getting worse at sex. But then people just start banging FedEx and UPS on the side.
In international news, Lithuania is cracking down on beggars, going so far as to criminalize panhandling. That's a bold move for Lithuania, considering the cops who will be arresting them were probably hired using the $3 billion in aid Lithuania received from the EU this year.
At Newark Liberty airport, a passenger was detained after TSA agents found four grenades in his carry on luggage. The grenades were confiscated, which is bad news for the passenger, as he's gotta come back to Newark at some point. And now he won't have his grenades. Which you need for Newark. Because Newark is a tough city. Moving on.
Astronomers spotted a planet in another solar system of similar size and climate to Earth. It's so similar that they’re calling it an “earth twin.” However, images of the planet with a ridiculous goatee suggest it might be the evil twin.
Former Miss USA Rima Fakih was charged with drunk driving this weekend. Officers got suspicious during the sobriety test when Ms. Fakih had to walk a straight line and wouldn’t stop waving.
And finally, Madonna will be performing at halftime during this year’s Super Bowl, which means we’ll have to find a new name for it. Also, the football won’t be the only tough, leathery thing on camera.
And that’s a wrap. Have a great Tuesday, and I’ll see you tomorrow!
ahhhh I was wondering what you'd say about Madonna. Nice.
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