Let's get to it.
In an interview this week, David Beckham talked at length about his "daily agony" living in a luxury hotel suite in Paris, making $46 million per year. It's the first chapter in my new book Reasons to Punch David Beckham in the Face.
Texas Governor Rick Perry said yesterday that he thought the Federal expansion of Medicaid is "an April Fools joke," leading to speculation that Gov. Perry understands neither healthcare nor jokes.
In a horrific twist, it was also revealed that his term as Governor has not been, as some speculated, an elaborate hoax.
In Michigan, a young couple and their baby were accidentally locked in a K-Mart overnight. In the store's defense, however, they were dressed just like mannequins. In a related story, local homeless have started flocking to the store.
The winner of the recent massive $338 million Powerball prize appeared in court this week to settle up the $29,000 he owes in back child support. Hmm... a guy buying Power Ball tickets in a liquor store isn't able to make his child support payments. Strange...
In San Jose, California, a man drove his car into a Wal-Mart and started attacking bystanders with a blunt object. Police suspect drugs may be involved, as this did not occur on Black Friday.
Speaking of violence, fighting broke out at the Seattle Zoo's annual Easter egg hunt. Authorities are blaming a few bad... apples.
Thought I'd say "eggs," right?
And finally, Lifetime is planning to air a documentary about Cher's mother. Hopefully this will inspire drag queens to impersonate her in time for Mothers' Day.
And that's it? They'll get better.
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