In Texas yesterday a 14-year-old kid was arrested for bringing a science project to school. Before you jump to any conclusions and start praising our nation's nerd-shaming capabilities, you should know that the school cops thought the project was a bomb, possibly because the kid's name is Ahmed Mohamed. Sure, this sounds bad, and it makes our country look bad, but at least they didn't shoot the kid. Silver lining, America.
In other Texas news, a north Texas Whataburger employee was fired after refusing to serve burgers to two officers. What's really sad about this story is that the employee was actually trying to protect the officers. Well, trying to protect their colons, anyway.
Speaking of total colons, Tom Brady just announced his support for Donald Trump in the presidential elections. We get it, Tom: you're a villain now. There hasn't been a face/heel turn so blatant since the great wrestler King Karl reinvented himself as Heinrich the Orphan-Kicker.
Oh, also: Tom Brady likes Donald Trump something something something because he's full of hot air or whatever.
In the run-up to the GOP debate last night, President Obama said there was nothing patriotic about "talking down America" to score points with voters. He got pretty intense about it, but you should hear how angry he gets when people starting talkin' smack about Kenya.
In other international news, Hungary started using tear gas and water cannons to fight back expats trying to get through a razor-wire fence and minefields in order to seek asylum in Serbia. Pretty sure that if the razor-wire, landmines, and Serbia don't deter you, a little water and tear gas won't make much difference.
In news of how American intervention in the middle east is always a good thing: a top US commander just confirmed that only four or five of the Pentagon-trained fighters are in Syria right now. That's not even enough fighters for an Expendables sequel. Although in this case, it's clear that they are far more expendable to the US than anyone in those films.
Researchers from Dartmouth uncovered evidence that rising temperatures in the arctic are disproportionately benefiting mosquitoes, which leads to the inevitable conclusion that the GOP is in the pocket of the big mosquito lobby. Bunch of bloodsuckers.
And finally, the Olive Garden is back in the news with their Pasta Pass, a $100 card that allows guests to eat as much pasta as they can for seven weeks. An employee at a north Texas location was just fired for refusing to sell passes to two cops.
Also, the Pasta Pass comes with complimentary Rohypnol, so you can dose yourself at the start of the meal and blackout all the shameful things you are about to do.
That's it! Now go forth and do shameful things.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
September 16, 2015: Ask Not For Whom the Taco Bell Tolls, it Tolls for Last Call
Tonight brings the second Republican Presidential Debate, and expectations are high for front-runner Donald Trump. He recently expanded his "Everything You Like and None of the Stuff You Hate" platform, which has been winning over GOP voters tired of being pandered to by politicians. They are really excited about being pandered to by a real estate developer for a while.
Former Gov. Jeb Bush unveiled his new Spanish-language political ad. It's quite an accomplishment for the candidate, proving that he has what it takes to be incredibly boring in two languages at once.
In Way Back Wednesday news, Carly Fiorina's old company, Hewlett Packard, honored the former CEO this week with one of her favorite activities: firing 30,000 employees.
In other Presidential Hopeless news, Gov. Bobby Jindal said yesterday that "Trump is a madman who must be stopped." Although it's not clear if that was an official statement, or an excerpt from Jindal's 24 fan-fic.
Admit it: you'd read that if it really existed.
Snapchat may soon allow users to replay deleted messages, for a cost. Representatives from the Clinton campaign have inquired about the price to make sure messages stay deleted.
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos announced plans to build and launch rockets from Florida, because he takes Prime Shipping seriously.
Also, he's probably a James Bond-style supervillain, blah blah blah.
Archaeologists have discovered evidence that ancient paleolithic humans ate oatmeal. They also discovered that even ancient paleolithic humans were sick and tired of hearing about the Paleo Diet.
Speaking of regrettable food choices, Taco Bell is opening a new cantina-style restaurant, with an upscale menu, alcohol, and more elegant dining rooms. It's all part of a new push by the company to offer visitors the chance to have a classier diarrhea experience.
Also, you can now get a frozen drink that mixes Mountain Dew drink with rum, tequila or vodka. It used to be you could only find that kind of beverage in the freshman dorms at Florida State.
Order up!
Former Gov. Jeb Bush unveiled his new Spanish-language political ad. It's quite an accomplishment for the candidate, proving that he has what it takes to be incredibly boring in two languages at once.
In Way Back Wednesday news, Carly Fiorina's old company, Hewlett Packard, honored the former CEO this week with one of her favorite activities: firing 30,000 employees.
In other Presidential Hopeless news, Gov. Bobby Jindal said yesterday that "Trump is a madman who must be stopped." Although it's not clear if that was an official statement, or an excerpt from Jindal's 24 fan-fic.
Admit it: you'd read that if it really existed.
Snapchat may soon allow users to replay deleted messages, for a cost. Representatives from the Clinton campaign have inquired about the price to make sure messages stay deleted.
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos announced plans to build and launch rockets from Florida, because he takes Prime Shipping seriously.
Also, he's probably a James Bond-style supervillain, blah blah blah.
Archaeologists have discovered evidence that ancient paleolithic humans ate oatmeal. They also discovered that even ancient paleolithic humans were sick and tired of hearing about the Paleo Diet.
Speaking of regrettable food choices, Taco Bell is opening a new cantina-style restaurant, with an upscale menu, alcohol, and more elegant dining rooms. It's all part of a new push by the company to offer visitors the chance to have a classier diarrhea experience.
Also, you can now get a frozen drink that mixes Mountain Dew drink with rum, tequila or vodka. It used to be you could only find that kind of beverage in the freshman dorms at Florida State.
Order up!
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
September 15, 2015: Good, Clean Fun (Unless You're a Refugee)
Over the weekend, Germany instituted stricter border controls to manage the influx of refugees from Austria. They had to bring out the riot police they normally keep in reserve for crowd control at David Hasslehoff concerts.
Yes, I made a Germans-love-David-Hasslehoff joke in 2015. No refunds.
Officials in Munich were concerned about the vast number of refugees relocated to their city. Violence, overflowing sewers, irritatingly loud ethnic music... the refugees had better leave quickly, or they'll be forced to endure all that and more during Oktoberfest.
Speaking of parties, Playboy just released its list of top US party schools, a vital tool for high school students looking to apply to the nation's best programs for pharmaceutical reps.
Nintendo picked a new president yesterday, Tatsumi Kimishima, who was praised by the board for his vision, energy, and ability to punch bricks so hard with his bare hands that coins fly out. Also, he's got the Triforce, so he can do pretty much whatever he wants now.
Kids are getting drunk off of alcohol-based hand sanitizers, according to poison control centers across the country. Still, they're probably better off than the kids in the 90s who had to drink Zima.
China announced plans to visit the dark side of the Moon, sparking a huge upsurge in applications to the country's space program after it was made known that the Moon currently has no smog. Or they're looking forward being the first humans to ever be in a traffic jam on the Moon. You pick.
The IRS says it will no longer accept checks of $100 million or more. But good news! If you have a tax bill of 100 million dollars or more, you're probably going to just spend that money on lobbyists to create loopholes so you don't have to pay anything at all cough cough Apple cough cough.
And finally, Jaguar announced their first ever official off-road vehicle. I say "official," because as any rock-star or Kelsey Grammer knows, any car can be an off-road vehicle if you drink enough.
And on with the show.
Yes, I made a Germans-love-David-Hasslehoff joke in 2015. No refunds.
Officials in Munich were concerned about the vast number of refugees relocated to their city. Violence, overflowing sewers, irritatingly loud ethnic music... the refugees had better leave quickly, or they'll be forced to endure all that and more during Oktoberfest.
Speaking of parties, Playboy just released its list of top US party schools, a vital tool for high school students looking to apply to the nation's best programs for pharmaceutical reps.
Nintendo picked a new president yesterday, Tatsumi Kimishima, who was praised by the board for his vision, energy, and ability to punch bricks so hard with his bare hands that coins fly out. Also, he's got the Triforce, so he can do pretty much whatever he wants now.
Kids are getting drunk off of alcohol-based hand sanitizers, according to poison control centers across the country. Still, they're probably better off than the kids in the 90s who had to drink Zima.
China announced plans to visit the dark side of the Moon, sparking a huge upsurge in applications to the country's space program after it was made known that the Moon currently has no smog. Or they're looking forward being the first humans to ever be in a traffic jam on the Moon. You pick.
The IRS says it will no longer accept checks of $100 million or more. But good news! If you have a tax bill of 100 million dollars or more, you're probably going to just spend that money on lobbyists to create loopholes so you don't have to pay anything at all cough cough Apple cough cough.
And finally, Jaguar announced their first ever official off-road vehicle. I say "official," because as any rock-star or Kelsey Grammer knows, any car can be an off-road vehicle if you drink enough.
And on with the show.
Monday, September 14, 2015
September 14, 2015: It'll be a Coldplay in Hell before Kim Davis does her job
After a brief hiatus, here we are again.
Popular UK band Coldplay made a surprise visit to India to shoot a new music video. This is a vast improvement over previous "surprise visits" to India from the UK that involved shooting.
Speaking of India, Prime Minister Narendra Modi will be joining Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg for a Q&A session about "how communities can work together to address social and economic challenges." Also, Modi will be asking how he can uninstall Facebook Messenger.
In other tech news, Google just hired the former Hyundai CEO John Krafcik to run their self-driving car division. It should be a perfect fit for Krafcik, who has plenty of experience with cars no one wants to drive.
Archaeologists have uncovered 10,000-year-old stone tools in Seattle. Scientists speculate that the tools were used to make primitive lattes. Or flannel. Whichever punchline you prefer.
Also in Seattle, schools will be closed again today for the fourth day of an ongoing teacher strike. Parents are scrambling to find daycare solutions, and may be forced to take their kids to the office. By which I mean Starbucks. If this strike goes on much longer, it could be a huge blow to the Poorly-Written Novels and Screenplays industry.
A recent Washington Post-ABC poll found that Hillary Clinton is losing support among white women. Thankfully, white women's support for Shonda Rhimes is at an all-time high.
Embattled county clerk Kim Davis will be back at work today following her imprisonment for being held in contempt of court. Rumor has it she will continue to defy the federal court order and return to prison, hoping for her own prison reality show: Orange is the New Bigot.
Have a great day! See you tomorrow?
Popular UK band Coldplay made a surprise visit to India to shoot a new music video. This is a vast improvement over previous "surprise visits" to India from the UK that involved shooting.
Speaking of India, Prime Minister Narendra Modi will be joining Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg for a Q&A session about "how communities can work together to address social and economic challenges." Also, Modi will be asking how he can uninstall Facebook Messenger.
In other tech news, Google just hired the former Hyundai CEO John Krafcik to run their self-driving car division. It should be a perfect fit for Krafcik, who has plenty of experience with cars no one wants to drive.
Archaeologists have uncovered 10,000-year-old stone tools in Seattle. Scientists speculate that the tools were used to make primitive lattes. Or flannel. Whichever punchline you prefer.
Also in Seattle, schools will be closed again today for the fourth day of an ongoing teacher strike. Parents are scrambling to find daycare solutions, and may be forced to take their kids to the office. By which I mean Starbucks. If this strike goes on much longer, it could be a huge blow to the Poorly-Written Novels and Screenplays industry.
A recent Washington Post-ABC poll found that Hillary Clinton is losing support among white women. Thankfully, white women's support for Shonda Rhimes is at an all-time high.
Embattled county clerk Kim Davis will be back at work today following her imprisonment for being held in contempt of court. Rumor has it she will continue to defy the federal court order and return to prison, hoping for her own prison reality show: Orange is the New Bigot.
Have a great day! See you tomorrow?
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue: November 26, 2013
Astronomers said that if the comet designated ISON can survive a trip around the sun, it will put on a brilliant show for us here on Earth, unlike anything seen for a generation. NBC has already pledged to find a way to cancel it.
News out of Geneva today, the deal to limit a Iran's nuclear program fell apart after the Iranian delegation demanded the U.S. build a website to monitor the agreement.
Derek Rose is out for the season after a recent knee injury. He's looking forward to using his new found free time to try and sign up for Obamacare.
Kobe Bryant just signed a deal for $328 million. It was great news for the people who represent him in court.
Fans of Family Guy were outraged this weekend over the death of a beloved character on the show. But they're totally fine with setting the same three jokes over and over for 13 years.
At the Vatican, Vladimir Putin kissed an ancient icon of the Madonna. Unconfirmed reports indicate he may have gone for a standing double. And his shirt was off.
Completely insane weather hit the country just in time for people to have something to awkwardly talk about with their families at Thanksgiving.
A new report indicates that U.S. methane output is 50% higher than previously thought. "That's a bunch of bull shit," said skeptics and supporters.
Cheers!
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2013
Big Hollywood news this week: The Entourage movie is officially happening! In a related story, God appears to have died.
In England, a woman attempting to purchase a ticket for a flight to Granada ended up flying instead to Grenada. In a related story, Grenada and Granada are not the same place. Who knew?
Electronics giant Samsung vowed to make more mobile telephones that work with their new Gear system. Meanwhile, BlackBerry vowed to make more mobile telephones that work.
Germany has demanded that the NSA stop spying on them, which is unfortunate, because the NSA has just now developed a tolerance for seeing all the weird shit Germany gets up to when they think no one is watching.
In Egypt, a top kung fu athlete had his gold medal stripped after expressing support for ousted Egyptian leader Morsi. Great, so now who's going to be on the Egyptian Wheaties box?
Rapper Chris Brown was arrested in D.C. on felony assault charges because he's run out of new ideas.
Brittany Spears songs are being used to repel pirates at sea, which is also why you never saw pirates in gay bars in the mid-2000s.
And finally, rapper Jay-Z was horrified to learn that the staff at Barney's in New York recently harassed a young African American male, because there is a stereotype that African Americans don't like to spend that much money on ridiculous high-fashion crap. Jay-Z, for his part, is attempting to fight that stereotype by buying up all the crazy shit he can find at overpriced crap-holes like Barney's.
Sponshorships are still available!
In England, a woman attempting to purchase a ticket for a flight to Granada ended up flying instead to Grenada. In a related story, Grenada and Granada are not the same place. Who knew?
Electronics giant Samsung vowed to make more mobile telephones that work with their new Gear system. Meanwhile, BlackBerry vowed to make more mobile telephones that work.
Germany has demanded that the NSA stop spying on them, which is unfortunate, because the NSA has just now developed a tolerance for seeing all the weird shit Germany gets up to when they think no one is watching.
In Egypt, a top kung fu athlete had his gold medal stripped after expressing support for ousted Egyptian leader Morsi. Great, so now who's going to be on the Egyptian Wheaties box?
Rapper Chris Brown was arrested in D.C. on felony assault charges because he's run out of new ideas.
Brittany Spears songs are being used to repel pirates at sea, which is also why you never saw pirates in gay bars in the mid-2000s.
And finally, rapper Jay-Z was horrified to learn that the staff at Barney's in New York recently harassed a young African American male, because there is a stereotype that African Americans don't like to spend that much money on ridiculous high-fashion crap. Jay-Z, for his part, is attempting to fight that stereotype by buying up all the crazy shit he can find at overpriced crap-holes like Barney's.
Sponshorships are still available!
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 8, 2013
Did I miss anything?
Good news for Greece! Economic analysts predict that Greece is about to end their six-year recession and see some actual economic growth. Thankfully, they've offered to send us some economic ad visors.
Bad stock market news. Futures took a big hit this week when investors started to contemplate the future of the economy.
Beverly Hills 90210 stars Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling are reuniting for an ABC Family pilot. It's new ground for both of them, as they'll be playing women in their early twenties.
The Treasury Department just released new $100 bills into circulation. Maybe someday someone will get to see one.
The Turkey Hill ice cream company just issued a recall for three of their flavors because they may contain metal shavings. And they're rethinking the roll-out of their new Strawberries and Broken Glass flavor.
A nine year-old boy was caught stowing away on a flight from Minneapolis to Las Vegas. So, looks like someone won't be eloping after all.
In his last address to stockholders, outgoing Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer said the company's best days are ahead of it, making Steve Ballmer the latest person to publicly say that Steve Ballmer sucks.
And finally, three doctors won the Nobel Prize for Medicine this week for their work on explaining how molecules move around within cells. Another Nobel Prize will be be awarded this week for someone who can explain that last sentence.
And that's it.
Good news for Greece! Economic analysts predict that Greece is about to end their six-year recession and see some actual economic growth. Thankfully, they've offered to send us some economic ad visors.
Bad stock market news. Futures took a big hit this week when investors started to contemplate the future of the economy.
Beverly Hills 90210 stars Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling are reuniting for an ABC Family pilot. It's new ground for both of them, as they'll be playing women in their early twenties.
The Treasury Department just released new $100 bills into circulation. Maybe someday someone will get to see one.
The Turkey Hill ice cream company just issued a recall for three of their flavors because they may contain metal shavings. And they're rethinking the roll-out of their new Strawberries and Broken Glass flavor.
A nine year-old boy was caught stowing away on a flight from Minneapolis to Las Vegas. So, looks like someone won't be eloping after all.
In his last address to stockholders, outgoing Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer said the company's best days are ahead of it, making Steve Ballmer the latest person to publicly say that Steve Ballmer sucks.
And finally, three doctors won the Nobel Prize for Medicine this week for their work on explaining how molecules move around within cells. Another Nobel Prize will be be awarded this week for someone who can explain that last sentence.
And that's it.
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