During a recent speech, Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky defended his stance on the civil rights movement, saying that his support for the Civil Rights Act has "never wavered." Nope, it's stayed perfectly stable at "zero."
In the UK, Iron Man 3's premier date was pushed back so as not to compete with funeral proceedings for the late Margaret Thatcher. So that's Iron Lady 1, Iron Man 0.
In other Thatcher news, plans are already underway for a memorial library. It will immediately be sold off to a private company and stripped of its valuable parts.
Happy Birthday and Mazeltov to Israel! The unlikely nation just turned 65, while Palestine turned into an even shittier place to live.
In Venezuela, early vote-rigging shows acting President Maduro winning the election by a razor-thin margin. Said Maduro, "don't worry, we'll get better at that for next time."
Jenna Bush just gave birth to her first child, and a PAC has already started soliciting donations for her 2064 presidential bid.
A recent medical study found that people who carry an excess of weight in the torso, called the "Apple" body type, are more likely to suffer from kidney disease and patent-infringement lawsuits from Apple Computers.
And finally, Steven Hawking visited a Los Angeles medical research firm that specializes in applying stem cell research to combating Lou Gehrig's Disease. Hawking praised them for their valuable contribution to medicine and also invited them to "please hurry the fuck up."
Okay, go finish your taxes!
Monday, April 15, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 11, 2013
Hey, where ya been?
In a really bizarre story, a young Florida couple kidnapped their own children from their grandparents and then sailed to Cuba. Apparently to meet Jay-Z and Beyonce. Ultimately the fugitives were located, and Cuban authorities agreed to return them to the U.S. And the worst part about this is now these kids will be forced to grow up in Florida.
A British study found that children who regularly eat cereal for breakfast have a lower body mass index than children who don't. Conversely, adults who eat breakfast cereal for dinner are usually fatasses.
The H7N1 Bird Flu strain was found in South African ostrich farms, which is bad news for budget-conscious grocery shoppers hoping to score some reasonably-priced ostrich.
Japan will start making its own jets, hoping to become a major player in the international jet industry. And they'll succeed, especially if they can make sure their jets transform into giant robots.
Former President Bill Clinton just joined Twitter, and we're all looking forward to when he "accidentally" tweets a picture of his "Rep. Weiner."
A nun plead guilty to stealing over $100,000 in church funds to support her gambling habit. Incidentally, "gambling habit" is what she called her lucky clothes.
Due to the sequester, the U.S. Navy canceled all appearances by the Blue Angels stunt team at air shows for the coming year. And that's fine, because ultimately the private industry is much better at creating air show disasters.
And finally, speaking of disasters, Julie Taymor finally settled her legal dispute with the producers of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Under the settlement, Ms. Taymor will receive an undisclosed sum of money, and she'll get to break the legs of one dancer for each year the play runs.
And that's it!
In a really bizarre story, a young Florida couple kidnapped their own children from their grandparents and then sailed to Cuba. Apparently to meet Jay-Z and Beyonce. Ultimately the fugitives were located, and Cuban authorities agreed to return them to the U.S. And the worst part about this is now these kids will be forced to grow up in Florida.
A British study found that children who regularly eat cereal for breakfast have a lower body mass index than children who don't. Conversely, adults who eat breakfast cereal for dinner are usually fatasses.
The H7N1 Bird Flu strain was found in South African ostrich farms, which is bad news for budget-conscious grocery shoppers hoping to score some reasonably-priced ostrich.
Japan will start making its own jets, hoping to become a major player in the international jet industry. And they'll succeed, especially if they can make sure their jets transform into giant robots.
Former President Bill Clinton just joined Twitter, and we're all looking forward to when he "accidentally" tweets a picture of his "Rep. Weiner."
A nun plead guilty to stealing over $100,000 in church funds to support her gambling habit. Incidentally, "gambling habit" is what she called her lucky clothes.
Due to the sequester, the U.S. Navy canceled all appearances by the Blue Angels stunt team at air shows for the coming year. And that's fine, because ultimately the private industry is much better at creating air show disasters.
And finally, speaking of disasters, Julie Taymor finally settled her legal dispute with the producers of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Under the settlement, Ms. Taymor will receive an undisclosed sum of money, and she'll get to break the legs of one dancer for each year the play runs.
And that's it!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 3, 2013
Some half-and-half for your coffee this morning? As in "the week is half-over, and these jokes are half-funny." Enjoy.
Lindsay Lohan is not pregnant. The actress announced her pregnancy via Twitter as an April Fool's joke this week, then revealed the hoax. She said she was overjoyed to see how many people cared about her, but you know, not enough to do something about her.
In Seattle, 44,000 people requested season tickets for a hypothetical NBA franchise in the city. That number is expected to fall once they realize it's the Sacramento Kings.
A sheep in the U.K. gave birth to a healthy lamb with five legs. Scientists predict the lamb will be 25% more filling than a normal lamb.
Archaeologists found the long lost ruins of a site known as "The Gate to Hell." The Turkish ruins are thought to be the world's first bank.
Online game company Zynga will begin offering gambling with real money today, so now they can lose your money even if you don't invest with them.
Viewers are flocking to webcams on Animal Planet's website that feature a wide range of animals in their natural environments. The idea came from The Jersey Shore.
A Pittsburgh man is accused of stealing promotional cakes from a "Cake Boss" event. In a related story, his prison nickname will also be "Cakes."
And finally, Hillary Clinton supporters have already started raising money for her possible run in 2016. Fundraisers cannot wait to see who she loses the nomination to next.
And that's it!
Lindsay Lohan is not pregnant. The actress announced her pregnancy via Twitter as an April Fool's joke this week, then revealed the hoax. She said she was overjoyed to see how many people cared about her, but you know, not enough to do something about her.
In Seattle, 44,000 people requested season tickets for a hypothetical NBA franchise in the city. That number is expected to fall once they realize it's the Sacramento Kings.
A sheep in the U.K. gave birth to a healthy lamb with five legs. Scientists predict the lamb will be 25% more filling than a normal lamb.
Archaeologists found the long lost ruins of a site known as "The Gate to Hell." The Turkish ruins are thought to be the world's first bank.
Online game company Zynga will begin offering gambling with real money today, so now they can lose your money even if you don't invest with them.
Viewers are flocking to webcams on Animal Planet's website that feature a wide range of animals in their natural environments. The idea came from The Jersey Shore.
A Pittsburgh man is accused of stealing promotional cakes from a "Cake Boss" event. In a related story, his prison nickname will also be "Cakes."
And finally, Hillary Clinton supporters have already started raising money for her possible run in 2016. Fundraisers cannot wait to see who she loses the nomination to next.
And that's it!
Monday, April 1, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 2, 2013
Let's get to it.
In an interview this week, David Beckham talked at length about his "daily agony" living in a luxury hotel suite in Paris, making $46 million per year. It's the first chapter in my new book Reasons to Punch David Beckham in the Face.
Texas Governor Rick Perry said yesterday that he thought the Federal expansion of Medicaid is "an April Fools joke," leading to speculation that Gov. Perry understands neither healthcare nor jokes.
In a horrific twist, it was also revealed that his term as Governor has not been, as some speculated, an elaborate hoax.
In Michigan, a young couple and their baby were accidentally locked in a K-Mart overnight. In the store's defense, however, they were dressed just like mannequins. In a related story, local homeless have started flocking to the store.
The winner of the recent massive $338 million Powerball prize appeared in court this week to settle up the $29,000 he owes in back child support. Hmm... a guy buying Power Ball tickets in a liquor store isn't able to make his child support payments. Strange...
In San Jose, California, a man drove his car into a Wal-Mart and started attacking bystanders with a blunt object. Police suspect drugs may be involved, as this did not occur on Black Friday.
Speaking of violence, fighting broke out at the Seattle Zoo's annual Easter egg hunt. Authorities are blaming a few bad... apples.
Thought I'd say "eggs," right?
And finally, Lifetime is planning to air a documentary about Cher's mother. Hopefully this will inspire drag queens to impersonate her in time for Mothers' Day.
And that's it? They'll get better.
In an interview this week, David Beckham talked at length about his "daily agony" living in a luxury hotel suite in Paris, making $46 million per year. It's the first chapter in my new book Reasons to Punch David Beckham in the Face.
Texas Governor Rick Perry said yesterday that he thought the Federal expansion of Medicaid is "an April Fools joke," leading to speculation that Gov. Perry understands neither healthcare nor jokes.
In a horrific twist, it was also revealed that his term as Governor has not been, as some speculated, an elaborate hoax.
In Michigan, a young couple and their baby were accidentally locked in a K-Mart overnight. In the store's defense, however, they were dressed just like mannequins. In a related story, local homeless have started flocking to the store.
The winner of the recent massive $338 million Powerball prize appeared in court this week to settle up the $29,000 he owes in back child support. Hmm... a guy buying Power Ball tickets in a liquor store isn't able to make his child support payments. Strange...
In San Jose, California, a man drove his car into a Wal-Mart and started attacking bystanders with a blunt object. Police suspect drugs may be involved, as this did not occur on Black Friday.
Speaking of violence, fighting broke out at the Seattle Zoo's annual Easter egg hunt. Authorities are blaming a few bad... apples.
Thought I'd say "eggs," right?
And finally, Lifetime is planning to air a documentary about Cher's mother. Hopefully this will inspire drag queens to impersonate her in time for Mothers' Day.
And that's it? They'll get better.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - April 1, 2013
Hey, happy Monday! And happy April Fool's Day. Here's some jokes to get you through it.
Mega-retailer Wal-Mart is looking at ways to stay competitive with their online store, and is now considering crowd-sourcing their deliveries to Wal-Mart customers that are already shopping in the stores. This is real. You buy something online, they hand it over to someone who just bought something at the store, and that person drives it out to you. It's part of their new "Please Don't Steal This Thing We Just Gave You" initiative. Also, it's going to save them millions of dollars in employee benefits. Or, it would if they paid any.
A recent study found that online dating has become increasingly popular among people with sexually transmitted infections. Industry analysts are surprised at how quickly it's spreading.
The Rolling Stones are headlining this year's Glastonbury music festival, which means the festival will have to be over by 7pm.
The retiring founder of BlackBerry maker RIM said he has no plans to sell his stake in the company. He does, however, plan to buy an iPhone.
Julia Pierson was named the new head of the U.S. Secret Service. Great start, Ms. Pierson. It's the "secret" service.
That joke sucked.
Boston Mayor Thomas Menino said he will not seek re-election on account of "bein' wicked pissed and tired."
Three men were arrested for smoking pot in a State Trooper's parking lot in Totowa, New Jersey. Trooper's credit the bust to their new policy of not putting up State Trooper signs in their parking lot.
And finally, the Department of Justice is considering a woman to be the new director of the FBI. The CIA, on the other hand, will now be led by a heavily-armed predator drone.
That's it!
Mega-retailer Wal-Mart is looking at ways to stay competitive with their online store, and is now considering crowd-sourcing their deliveries to Wal-Mart customers that are already shopping in the stores. This is real. You buy something online, they hand it over to someone who just bought something at the store, and that person drives it out to you. It's part of their new "Please Don't Steal This Thing We Just Gave You" initiative. Also, it's going to save them millions of dollars in employee benefits. Or, it would if they paid any.
A recent study found that online dating has become increasingly popular among people with sexually transmitted infections. Industry analysts are surprised at how quickly it's spreading.
The Rolling Stones are headlining this year's Glastonbury music festival, which means the festival will have to be over by 7pm.
The retiring founder of BlackBerry maker RIM said he has no plans to sell his stake in the company. He does, however, plan to buy an iPhone.
Julia Pierson was named the new head of the U.S. Secret Service. Great start, Ms. Pierson. It's the "secret" service.
That joke sucked.
Boston Mayor Thomas Menino said he will not seek re-election on account of "bein' wicked pissed and tired."
Three men were arrested for smoking pot in a State Trooper's parking lot in Totowa, New Jersey. Trooper's credit the bust to their new policy of not putting up State Trooper signs in their parking lot.
And finally, the Department of Justice is considering a woman to be the new director of the FBI. The CIA, on the other hand, will now be led by a heavily-armed predator drone.
That's it!
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 27, 2013
Hey, what happened to Tuesday? Who knows! Forget it. Let's think about Wednesday.
Have you seen this? Jay Leno has been mercilessly making fun of NBC's poor ratings on his show. So that joke is now officially no longer funny.
On a recent trip to Israel, President Obama said that the U.S.A.'s commitment to Israel's security is our "solemn obligation." That's also how Israel's Ultra-Orthodox refer to procreative sex.
In non-procreative sex news, Bill Gates has offered a huge grant for anyone who can come up with a better condom. The condom not only has to feel good and protect against disease and pregnancy, but it also has to kill mosquitoes.
Katie Holmes went nearly topless in a new jewelry advertising campaign. When asked about it, she said "come on, that's at best the second worst decision I ever made."
A new video game system, Kyperkin Retron 5, plays cartridges from nine classic gaming consoles. And it also comes with a certificate of authenticity for your virginity. But only if you blow on it first.
I don't know what that means.
A New Jersey liquor store sold last week's $338million Powerball ticket, making it the first time a New Jersey liquor store had anything to do with someone's dream coming true. At all.
Scientists found that there is a specific part of a rooster's brain that tells him when to start crowing. It's the same part of a human brain that makes people say "cold enough for ya?"
And finally, Russian authorities raided Amnesty International's office this week, because Putin totally isn't a villain.
And that's it! Later, cats.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - March 25, 2013
Hey! It's back! Coming to you live from our brand new studio in the Windy City, it's the new and not-at-all-improved Late Night Morning! Here's some jokes.
IBM researchers have found ways to make circuits that mimic the way human brains work. Meaning that the circuits work for fifteen minutes, then spend an hour looking at pictures of their exes on Facebook.
Carlos Slim, the Mexican telecommunications mogul and world’s richest man, just secured the Mexican broadcasting rights for the Olympics in 2014 and 2016. It’s part of his plan to no longer be the world’s richest man.
On the Internet, a kickstarter fundraising drive raised $2 million in one day to fund a film version of the Kristen Bell series Veronica Mars. Now if we could just convince Kristen to star in a show about curing cancer...
Speaking of doing more, the Pope said this week that we need to be doing more to help out the world’s poor. He then excused himself to the Little Pope’s Room, where he took a dump on a solid gold toilet and wiped his ass with platinum paper.
Scientists are on the verge of developing a hypo-allergenic apple. “It’s about time!” said no one ever.
At least 100 people were injured in a multi-car pileup in Edmonton, Alberta. It was a terrible accident that will be forever known as “the time the entire population of Alberta got in a car accident.”
South Korea said this week that it suspects North Korea is behind a series of cyber attacks. They came to this conclusion after they determined the attacks were launched with an Atari 2600 powered by a hamster wheel.
And finally, Poland is launching an ad campaign to preserve the Polish language. But since the ads were in Polish, no one understood them.
And that's it! Totally worth the wait, right?
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