The Syrian government shut off the Internet last week, so in addition to enduring a repressive government crackdown, they also had to get by with only the porn they had saved to their hard drives.
Stand up desks are becoming more popular with office workers, who have learned to sleep standing up.
The Palestinian President returned home from his recent trip to the U.N. where the nation achieved increased recognition and support from the international community. But people were super-excited once they found out he brought back a bunch of toilet paper with him.
Because they can't get stuff in Palestine.
In Russia, a massive traffic jam stretched out 125 miles. Because Russians love waiting in line, right?
Shakira's former boyfriend is suing her for $100million, claiming that he is responsible for making her an international star. Apparently he never saw her ass.
Nintendo Power magazine is ending after 24 years. But you can continue by pressing A+B+B+A on your controller.
And finally, North Korea plans missile launch for South Korean elections. This missile is a real breakthrough for North Korea, as it actually screams "HEY, PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" as it enters the upper atmosphere.
That's it.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - November 29, 2012
In Asia, a man walked 5,000 miles using Google Maps as his only guide. In a related story, another man attempted the same trek with Apple Maps and died of exhaustion after walking in a circle for a week straight. His goal was to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.
CNN is looking to rehabilitate their brand, and reached out to Jeffrey Zucker recently to lead the company. So, apparently CNN never pays attention to entertainment news. In a related story, Jay Leno will be taking over Anderson Cooper 360.
In Brussels, angry farmers protested falling milk prices by spraying milk all over police protecting the EU Parliament. In a related story, a group of male porn stars were preemptively denied a permit to protest their working conditions.
Germany is pushing forward anti-bestiality legislation. In a related story, IT'S STILL LEGAL TO HAVE SEX WITH ANIMALS IN GERMANY.
In Egypt, crowds are beginning to protest President Morsi for taking emergency powers recently. It's great news for people who didn't get a chance to protest the last time. Also, no one is surprised.
The U.K. representative to the U.N. said that the country will sit out the upcoming vote on Palestinian statehood, citing the horrible outcome the last time they played that game in the region.
In Rome, a protective barrier has been set up around the Coliseum, to keep people from being hit by falling stones from the ancient structure. Sadly, it looks like this will be the end of a millennia-long tradition of killing people there.
In Israel, many young people are protesting against circumcision. They're being real schmucks about it.
And that's the end.
CNN is looking to rehabilitate their brand, and reached out to Jeffrey Zucker recently to lead the company. So, apparently CNN never pays attention to entertainment news. In a related story, Jay Leno will be taking over Anderson Cooper 360.
In Brussels, angry farmers protested falling milk prices by spraying milk all over police protecting the EU Parliament. In a related story, a group of male porn stars were preemptively denied a permit to protest their working conditions.
Germany is pushing forward anti-bestiality legislation. In a related story, IT'S STILL LEGAL TO HAVE SEX WITH ANIMALS IN GERMANY.
In Egypt, crowds are beginning to protest President Morsi for taking emergency powers recently. It's great news for people who didn't get a chance to protest the last time. Also, no one is surprised.
The U.K. representative to the U.N. said that the country will sit out the upcoming vote on Palestinian statehood, citing the horrible outcome the last time they played that game in the region.
In Rome, a protective barrier has been set up around the Coliseum, to keep people from being hit by falling stones from the ancient structure. Sadly, it looks like this will be the end of a millennia-long tradition of killing people there.
In Israel, many young people are protesting against circumcision. They're being real schmucks about it.
And that's the end.
Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 28, 2012
U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice met with Senate Republicans today in an attempt to defuse concerns they have about her potential appointment as Secretary of State. The Senators came out of the closed-door meeting more disturbed than before. What could have been discussed? Rumored topics include:
- Upcoming plotlines for American Horror Story
- Demographic trends in American swing-states
- The contents of Twinkie filling
- Gay dudes
- Grover Norquist's surprise birthday party
- Popular modern music
- My Little Pony fanfic
- The fact that people may have absorbed their own twin in the uterus, and that fetus may still be stuck inside their body somewhere. Sweet dreams!
Monday, November 26, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 27, 2012
A Scottish study found that having more friends on Facebook led to more stress. "Scotland: Home of the Downer."
U.S. federal mediators have joined the negotiations between NHL owners and players. They're replacing the Canadian Mounties.
It turns out that musician Andrew W.K. will not be serving as a cultural ambassador to Bahrain. Apparently we just wanted to scare them.
Boeing announced that more work is needed before unveiling their new stretch 787 jet. Most notably, they haven't figured out how to put spinners on the wheels.
In British Columbia, an elderly couple fended off an attack from the most humiliated bear in history.
Chrysler is debuting a new "glam" version of their classic Town & Country minivan. Good news, the vehicle also serves as birth control.
Medical tourism is booming in Costa Rica. It's especially popular with people who said they needed another trip to Disney World like they needed a hole in the head.
And finally, shredded but still readable documents from the NYPD wound up in confetti used at the Macy's parade in New York City. "This is the second most embarrassing moment in NYPD history," said the cop arrested for planning to kidnap and eat women.
End.
U.S. federal mediators have joined the negotiations between NHL owners and players. They're replacing the Canadian Mounties.
It turns out that musician Andrew W.K. will not be serving as a cultural ambassador to Bahrain. Apparently we just wanted to scare them.
Boeing announced that more work is needed before unveiling their new stretch 787 jet. Most notably, they haven't figured out how to put spinners on the wheels.
In British Columbia, an elderly couple fended off an attack from the most humiliated bear in history.
Chrysler is debuting a new "glam" version of their classic Town & Country minivan. Good news, the vehicle also serves as birth control.
Medical tourism is booming in Costa Rica. It's especially popular with people who said they needed another trip to Disney World like they needed a hole in the head.
And finally, shredded but still readable documents from the NYPD wound up in confetti used at the Macy's parade in New York City. "This is the second most embarrassing moment in NYPD history," said the cop arrested for planning to kidnap and eat women.
End.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - November 26, 2012
TNT announced Dallas will continue, despite the death of Larry Hagman, because not everything can be allowed to die with dignity.
Scientists at NASA are using the Martian rover Curiosity to track a giant storm on the red planet. They're really excited to be studying a storm not caused by climate change.
It's Cyber Monday today, which means a lot of people will typing one-handed.
Samsung announced the new Galaxy Note II has moved over five million units worldwide. Apple filed suit, saying that they patented moving five million units worldwide. Also, I think I may have done this joke before.
China landed its first jet on an aircraft carrier this weekend. It would have happened sooner, but the jet was operated by United Airlines.
Palestinian leaders said that rebuilding the Gaza Strip after Israeli bombing will be swift. In a related story, could we get New Orleans declared part of the Gaza Strip?
Oprah Winfrey is trying to woo a younger audience to her magazine, which would explain why this year's Favorite Things included "irony" and "you know, stuff." Damn kids and their music.
And finally, a camel broke free from a circus in Glendale, California, and ran wild in the streets. But it didn't get too far, thanks to the traffic.
Sorry, camel! No freedom and dignity for you!
Scientists at NASA are using the Martian rover Curiosity to track a giant storm on the red planet. They're really excited to be studying a storm not caused by climate change.
It's Cyber Monday today, which means a lot of people will typing one-handed.
Samsung announced the new Galaxy Note II has moved over five million units worldwide. Apple filed suit, saying that they patented moving five million units worldwide. Also, I think I may have done this joke before.
China landed its first jet on an aircraft carrier this weekend. It would have happened sooner, but the jet was operated by United Airlines.
Palestinian leaders said that rebuilding the Gaza Strip after Israeli bombing will be swift. In a related story, could we get New Orleans declared part of the Gaza Strip?
Oprah Winfrey is trying to woo a younger audience to her magazine, which would explain why this year's Favorite Things included "irony" and "you know, stuff." Damn kids and their music.
And finally, a camel broke free from a circus in Glendale, California, and ran wild in the streets. But it didn't get too far, thanks to the traffic.
Sorry, camel! No freedom and dignity for you!
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 20, 2012
Bad news in Afghanistan. The opium harvest is down by a third. Farmers would be more upset, but they still have two thirds of the opium, so...
They're getting high.
XBOX Live is offering new a la carte karaoke songs this holiday season, just in case you thought you might have a pleasant evening.
The Church of England ruled against accepting female bishops yesterday. It's a tough break for the makers of cassock skirts.
Look it up.
A new report on climate change revealed that if you're 27 or younger, you've never lived through a colder than average month. You've also probably never watched a Steven Spielberg movie without irony.
Firefox adds Facebook integration to its new browser, because screw productivity.
We need to make a correction to earlier piece about Rep. Allan West (R-FL) conceding his House race, being a great big huge douchebag loser, and generally being the type of man who tries to make out with farm animals. We were incorrect. His first name is actually spelled "Allen." Our apologies.
Medical research indicates that there's no increase in heart disease for people who survive e. coli food poisoning, probably because they've puked their hearts out.
And lastly, the NTSB just ditched the BlackBerry smartphone because it has been "failing both at inopportune times and at an unacceptable rate." They've decided to go with the iPhone, because it fails at an acceptable rate. Good to know that the NTSB is using Apple's new Maps application.
Might I suggest you stay home this holiday season?
They're getting high.
XBOX Live is offering new a la carte karaoke songs this holiday season, just in case you thought you might have a pleasant evening.
The Church of England ruled against accepting female bishops yesterday. It's a tough break for the makers of cassock skirts.
Look it up.
A new report on climate change revealed that if you're 27 or younger, you've never lived through a colder than average month. You've also probably never watched a Steven Spielberg movie without irony.
Firefox adds Facebook integration to its new browser, because screw productivity.
We need to make a correction to earlier piece about Rep. Allan West (R-FL) conceding his House race, being a great big huge douchebag loser, and generally being the type of man who tries to make out with farm animals. We were incorrect. His first name is actually spelled "Allen." Our apologies.
Medical research indicates that there's no increase in heart disease for people who survive e. coli food poisoning, probably because they've puked their hearts out.
And lastly, the NTSB just ditched the BlackBerry smartphone because it has been "failing both at inopportune times and at an unacceptable rate." They've decided to go with the iPhone, because it fails at an acceptable rate. Good to know that the NTSB is using Apple's new Maps application.
Might I suggest you stay home this holiday season?
Monday, November 19, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 20, 2012
Dictionary.com just named "bluster" the word of the year for 2012, but only because they're too classy to go with "bullshit."
Teens are increasingly using protein shakes to bulk up, a recent study found. At least they've stopped drinking Zima.
Hack group Anonymous declared cyber war on Israel this week, which is terrible news for Israel's World of Warcraft characters.
Credit rating dickheads Moody's just lowered France's credit rating from Aaa to Aa1. But that credit score can be fixed with "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start."
Scientists have found evidence that great apes go through midlife crisis, like humans, which would explain the thriving market for ape toupes.
At the urging of a Judge presiding over the bankruptcy of Hostess, management and the Bakers Union agreed to enter into mediation. "So close," said a spokesman for the American Medical Association.
NHL management and the players union are talking again for first time in eight days, mainly to remind people that they're still there.
And finally, an appeals court rejected Hobby Lobby's claim to an exemption for providing contraceptive insurance. Apparently, selling a wicker-based do-it-yourself IUD does not count as an adequate alternative.
That's it!
Teens are increasingly using protein shakes to bulk up, a recent study found. At least they've stopped drinking Zima.
Hack group Anonymous declared cyber war on Israel this week, which is terrible news for Israel's World of Warcraft characters.
Credit rating dickheads Moody's just lowered France's credit rating from Aaa to Aa1. But that credit score can be fixed with "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start."
Scientists have found evidence that great apes go through midlife crisis, like humans, which would explain the thriving market for ape toupes.
At the urging of a Judge presiding over the bankruptcy of Hostess, management and the Bakers Union agreed to enter into mediation. "So close," said a spokesman for the American Medical Association.
NHL management and the players union are talking again for first time in eight days, mainly to remind people that they're still there.
And finally, an appeals court rejected Hobby Lobby's claim to an exemption for providing contraceptive insurance. Apparently, selling a wicker-based do-it-yourself IUD does not count as an adequate alternative.
That's it!
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