Sunday, October 14, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - October 15, 2012
Happy day, everyone! Let's have some frivolity!
American health insurance provider UnitedHealth is expanding into Brazil. A spokesman said the company is thrilled to have the opportunity to deny claims in a whole new country.
In New Jersey, a patron at McDonald's complained about the restaurant constantly playing Fox News. The man was upset at the restaurant for poisoning his mind, when clearly he only wanted to poison his body.
Physicists Serge Haroche and David Wineland won the Nobel Prize last week for their work with quantum particles, even though they've been completely unable to get Sam Beckett back home.
Don't worry, Sam. Ziggy's working on it.
In other news, skydiver Felix Baumgartner dove from the very upper limits of the atmosphere yesterday, falling fast enough to break the sound barrier. And if he didn't take that opportunity to break wind at the same time, then he's a fool.
In sports news, Yankee's manager Joe Girardi was ejected from a game yesterday for arguing with an umpire over a blown call. The manager later said it's time for baseball to start using instant replay technology, because clearly baseball is just getting far too fast paced and needs to slow things down.
In college football news, Alabama and Florida are at the top of the latest BCS standings. Incidentally, that sentence also works if you replace "BCS standings" with "obesity and diabetes."
Speaking of health, Nestle announced they will cut salt and sugar content in all their children's cereals. They will, of course, be replacing it with trace amounts of crystal methamphetamine.
And finally, sources close to Kim Kardashian report that she's already planning her wedding to Kanye West. She's already got the divorce planned.
Did I do that joke already? Oh, who cares.
See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 10, 2012
Three... two... one... two... three. GO!
Following some recent campaign problems, Rep. Paul Ryan's people banned recording devices from all fundraising events. Because he's not saying anything crazy.
In a related story, recording devices have been banned from all public appearances by Vice President Joe Biden.
In another related story, someone just leaked a Paul Ryan sex tape, wherein he claims that 30% of the American people want sex without having to work for it.
Pringles is debuting new Pumpkin Pie Spice and White Chocolate Mint flavors as part of their "Stop Eating Pringles" campaign.
Romeo Beckham, son of David Beckham, was seen sporting a fake tattoo just like his dad's. When he grows up, he plans to get a fake wife, just like his dad's.
A judge in Pennsylvania sentenced Jerry Sandusky to 30 - 60 years in prison. The judge did say, however, that Sandusky could get out early, however, for good behavior. And by "good behavior," he meant "be dead."
Here's hoping, Jerry.
Government officials in North Korea claim they now have missiles that can reach the U.S., but only if they first defect at a friendly embassy and then formally apply for political asylum.
A 16 year-old cheerleader in America set a new backflip record this week. Mitt Romney has promised to smash it.
And finally, in California, oil producers hope that a new "winter blend" will help reduce prices gas prices. Really, though, they've just added pumpkin flavor.
Okay, that's it. See you tomorrow!
Following some recent campaign problems, Rep. Paul Ryan's people banned recording devices from all fundraising events. Because he's not saying anything crazy.
In a related story, recording devices have been banned from all public appearances by Vice President Joe Biden.
In another related story, someone just leaked a Paul Ryan sex tape, wherein he claims that 30% of the American people want sex without having to work for it.
Pringles is debuting new Pumpkin Pie Spice and White Chocolate Mint flavors as part of their "Stop Eating Pringles" campaign.
Romeo Beckham, son of David Beckham, was seen sporting a fake tattoo just like his dad's. When he grows up, he plans to get a fake wife, just like his dad's.
A judge in Pennsylvania sentenced Jerry Sandusky to 30 - 60 years in prison. The judge did say, however, that Sandusky could get out early, however, for good behavior. And by "good behavior," he meant "be dead."
Here's hoping, Jerry.
Government officials in North Korea claim they now have missiles that can reach the U.S., but only if they first defect at a friendly embassy and then formally apply for political asylum.
A 16 year-old cheerleader in America set a new backflip record this week. Mitt Romney has promised to smash it.
And finally, in California, oil producers hope that a new "winter blend" will help reduce prices gas prices. Really, though, they've just added pumpkin flavor.
Okay, that's it. See you tomorrow!
Monday, October 8, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 9, 2012
Just kidding! Or, I will be in about one more sentence. Yeah, that sounds right.
Child-molesting jerk Jerry Sandusky said from prison yesterday "in my heart, I know I did not do these alleged, disgusting acts." That's true. He did them mainly in a shower.
Enjoy prison, you piece of crap.
In other piece of crap news, a 26 year-old man was arrested for defacing a Rothko painting in London this week. He was captured when he turned up asking for his name to be added to the label.
Museum joke!
Kid Rock said that he will support Rep. Paul Ryan, even if it costs him his fans. He also said the same thing about releasing his last album.
British rugby player Paul Wood was joking yesterday about losing a testicle in a recent match. He put up missing posters, but so far hasn't heard dick about it.
Good news! The American crocodile is coming back. In a related story, something just ate your dog.
Doctors are studying whether or not a daily dose of fatty acids may be able to lower returning veterans' suicide risk. It's either that, or provide them with adequate physical and psychological rehabilitation and some sort of jobs program.
Writer Kelly Marcel was just picked to write the Fifty Shades of Grey screenplay. She said she's looking forward to getting paid for writing something absolutely awful.
And finally, Sprint is testing a new program wherein you can use your name as your phone number. The option is an extra $3 per month, and is not expected to be popular with people whose names are strings of ten seemingly unrelated numbers.
Okay, now I'm serious.
BYE!
Child-molesting jerk Jerry Sandusky said from prison yesterday "in my heart, I know I did not do these alleged, disgusting acts." That's true. He did them mainly in a shower.
Enjoy prison, you piece of crap.
In other piece of crap news, a 26 year-old man was arrested for defacing a Rothko painting in London this week. He was captured when he turned up asking for his name to be added to the label.
Museum joke!
Kid Rock said that he will support Rep. Paul Ryan, even if it costs him his fans. He also said the same thing about releasing his last album.
British rugby player Paul Wood was joking yesterday about losing a testicle in a recent match. He put up missing posters, but so far hasn't heard dick about it.
Good news! The American crocodile is coming back. In a related story, something just ate your dog.
Doctors are studying whether or not a daily dose of fatty acids may be able to lower returning veterans' suicide risk. It's either that, or provide them with adequate physical and psychological rehabilitation and some sort of jobs program.
Writer Kelly Marcel was just picked to write the Fifty Shades of Grey screenplay. She said she's looking forward to getting paid for writing something absolutely awful.
And finally, Sprint is testing a new program wherein you can use your name as your phone number. The option is an extra $3 per month, and is not expected to be popular with people whose names are strings of ten seemingly unrelated numbers.
Okay, now I'm serious.
BYE!
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - October 8, 2012
Happy times, my friends. Did you hear that Hugo Chavez was "re-elected" as "President" of Venezuela? Let's look back on the last 13 years of his rule.
1999 - Upon election, decrees that all opposition parties will be outlawed unless they agree to party "like it's 1999."
2000 - Accidentally says something completely insane in an interview, decides he likes the way it feels.
2001 - Develops a deep and abiding animosity toward George W. Bush over a particularly heated game of Monopoly.
2003 - Citing artistic differences, leaves his role as a judge on Venezuelan Idol.
2005 - Admits he doesn't entirely understand socialism.
2006 - Beginning his third term, President Chavez takes the oath of office while making air quotes.
2009 - On George W. Bush's last day in office, succeeds in leaving a flaming bag of dog poop at the South Portico of the White House.
2012 - Refuses to enact strict voter ID laws to suppress opposition voting because, in his words, "what am I, an asshole?"
And that's the end! What will the next 13 years bring? Here's hoping they bring nothing.
Chavez sucks.
1999 - Upon election, decrees that all opposition parties will be outlawed unless they agree to party "like it's 1999."
2000 - Accidentally says something completely insane in an interview, decides he likes the way it feels.
2001 - Develops a deep and abiding animosity toward George W. Bush over a particularly heated game of Monopoly.
2003 - Citing artistic differences, leaves his role as a judge on Venezuelan Idol.
2005 - Admits he doesn't entirely understand socialism.
2006 - Beginning his third term, President Chavez takes the oath of office while making air quotes.
2009 - On George W. Bush's last day in office, succeeds in leaving a flaming bag of dog poop at the South Portico of the White House.
2012 - Refuses to enact strict voter ID laws to suppress opposition voting because, in his words, "what am I, an asshole?"
And that's the end! What will the next 13 years bring? Here's hoping they bring nothing.
Chavez sucks.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 4, 2012
Fire the jokes!
Detroit Tigers' Third Baseman Miguel Cabrera succeeding in winning Baseball's first "triple crown" since 1967. The Tigers announced they will put him out to stud.
A huge marijuana field was found yesterday in south Chicago. It came to the attention of authorities when the owners applied for government farm subsidies.
Thanks a lot, Obama!
Speaking of Obama, he and Mitt Romney debated last night. Jim Lehrer is rumored to have attended.
At the debate, Romney said that he loved Big Bird, but would cut funding to PBS if elected. To clarify, he does *not* love oil, coal, or hedge funds.
The debate was the most tweeted event in U.S. political history, barely surpassing the famed Kitten/Puppy convention of 2009.
In a related story, undecided voters are unlikely to come to a decision on the election after watching last night's debate, mainly because it was not conducted with sock puppets.
Undecided voters in October are kinda dumb.
In Germany, a liquor company is selling bottles of booze that have been poured over the breasts of nude and lingerie models before bottling. IHOP is offering a similar deal with their syrups, except instead of lingerie models, they have a hairy dude named "Sal."
And finally, authorities in Michigan announced that Jimmy Hoffa's remains were not found in a Detroit driveway this week. Can you say the same thing for your home?
CAN YOU!?
Later.
Detroit Tigers' Third Baseman Miguel Cabrera succeeding in winning Baseball's first "triple crown" since 1967. The Tigers announced they will put him out to stud.
A huge marijuana field was found yesterday in south Chicago. It came to the attention of authorities when the owners applied for government farm subsidies.
Thanks a lot, Obama!
Speaking of Obama, he and Mitt Romney debated last night. Jim Lehrer is rumored to have attended.
At the debate, Romney said that he loved Big Bird, but would cut funding to PBS if elected. To clarify, he does *not* love oil, coal, or hedge funds.
The debate was the most tweeted event in U.S. political history, barely surpassing the famed Kitten/Puppy convention of 2009.
In a related story, undecided voters are unlikely to come to a decision on the election after watching last night's debate, mainly because it was not conducted with sock puppets.
Undecided voters in October are kinda dumb.
In Germany, a liquor company is selling bottles of booze that have been poured over the breasts of nude and lingerie models before bottling. IHOP is offering a similar deal with their syrups, except instead of lingerie models, they have a hairy dude named "Sal."
And finally, authorities in Michigan announced that Jimmy Hoffa's remains were not found in a Detroit driveway this week. Can you say the same thing for your home?
CAN YOU!?
Later.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 3, 2012
Funny business found below:
Mobile phone giant T-Mobile is buying MetroPCS, because apparently its easier to purchase an entire company than it is to get an iPhone.
Hallmark is closing its Topeka, Kansas plant, and laying off 300 workers. Thankfully, there's a card for that. Sadly, they don't make them anymore.
In Germany, police are cracking down on Hells Angels members. Apparently something about big, leather-clad dudes wearing Swastikas and storming around the countryside was making them nervous.
Also in Germany, 3.6 million visitors flocked to Oktoberfest this month. No word yet on the final vomit numbers.
Speaking of Teutons, Arnold Schwarzenegger said in his new memoir that he is an "expert at living in denial." Not sure if that meant he ignored his family or what he did to California. Either way.
There's a new contender in the New York City 2013 mayor's race: Kool-Aid Man.
Because of the sugary drink law.
In Florida, a new company is renting out alligators for children's pool parties. The name of that company: Impending Horror, LLC.
And finally, New Zealand cancelled Mike Tyson's visa after it was revealed that he was Mike Tyson.
Funny business found above:
Mobile phone giant T-Mobile is buying MetroPCS, because apparently its easier to purchase an entire company than it is to get an iPhone.
Hallmark is closing its Topeka, Kansas plant, and laying off 300 workers. Thankfully, there's a card for that. Sadly, they don't make them anymore.
In Germany, police are cracking down on Hells Angels members. Apparently something about big, leather-clad dudes wearing Swastikas and storming around the countryside was making them nervous.
Also in Germany, 3.6 million visitors flocked to Oktoberfest this month. No word yet on the final vomit numbers.
Speaking of Teutons, Arnold Schwarzenegger said in his new memoir that he is an "expert at living in denial." Not sure if that meant he ignored his family or what he did to California. Either way.
There's a new contender in the New York City 2013 mayor's race: Kool-Aid Man.
Because of the sugary drink law.
In Florida, a new company is renting out alligators for children's pool parties. The name of that company: Impending Horror, LLC.
And finally, New Zealand cancelled Mike Tyson's visa after it was revealed that he was Mike Tyson.
Funny business found above:
Monday, October 1, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 2, 2012
Let's make this fast and weird.
Anyone following the Iranian financial markets? What a roller coaster! The rial fell 18% on Monday, to a new record low against the U.S. dollar. Iranian analysts are blaming the country's currency problems on a combination of fluctuating oil prices, increased sanctions and Jews.
In Missouri, Rep. Todd Akin said this week that employers should be allowed to pay women less than men. He then went on to say, "no, I've never heard of the 19th amendment."
But if he's serious about cutting spending, shouldn't Congress be 100% women? We'd save a fortune in salaries.
A new safety report found that Amtrak employees are failing drug tests more often than in previous years, which must mean that Amtrak employees got a raise.
The NHL lockout is still continuing, in case you were wondering.
The Compact Disc turned 30 years old this week. Incidentally, 30 years old is the youngest age of anyone who still buys CDs.
A recent medical study found that children's cognitive development may be harmed by exposure to "secondhand" television. Especially if it's Whitney.
Hotel Transylvania opened at number one in the American box office this weekend, bringing in $43 million and proving that American's can't be trusted with money.
And finally, Kodak announced it will no longer be selling inkjet printers. Instead, they'll be focusing on products that don't irritate the shit out of people.
That's all!
Anyone following the Iranian financial markets? What a roller coaster! The rial fell 18% on Monday, to a new record low against the U.S. dollar. Iranian analysts are blaming the country's currency problems on a combination of fluctuating oil prices, increased sanctions and Jews.
In Missouri, Rep. Todd Akin said this week that employers should be allowed to pay women less than men. He then went on to say, "no, I've never heard of the 19th amendment."
But if he's serious about cutting spending, shouldn't Congress be 100% women? We'd save a fortune in salaries.
A new safety report found that Amtrak employees are failing drug tests more often than in previous years, which must mean that Amtrak employees got a raise.
The NHL lockout is still continuing, in case you were wondering.
The Compact Disc turned 30 years old this week. Incidentally, 30 years old is the youngest age of anyone who still buys CDs.
A recent medical study found that children's cognitive development may be harmed by exposure to "secondhand" television. Especially if it's Whitney.
Hotel Transylvania opened at number one in the American box office this weekend, bringing in $43 million and proving that American's can't be trusted with money.
And finally, Kodak announced it will no longer be selling inkjet printers. Instead, they'll be focusing on products that don't irritate the shit out of people.
That's all!
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