Let's do this.
In London, the embattled newspaper News of the World shut down yesterday after 168 years of publishing. This is especially awful for anyone who got stumped on Sunday's crossword puzzle.
In a suburb of Detroit, a woman faces 93 days in jail over a vegetable garden in her front yard. Apparently it goes against the city's strong pro-bleak legislation.
In Dallas, a Rihanna concert had to be cancelled after a fire broke out above the stage. The evacuation was delayed, however, when concert staff misunderstood the chants of "the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!"
In New Zealand, a representative for a national business group came under fire last week for linking female worker productivity to menstrual cycles. It was a pretty big deal last week, but for some reason it just doesn't seem that important this week.
Music sales are up this year, leading to speculation that kids today are too stupid to figure out how to use bittorrent.
In California, Prince William and Kate Middleton wrapped up a visit to California with a visit to Santa Monica's skid row and a polo match. Apparently they really like horse.
In international news, the U.S. announced they will be halting approximately $800 million in military aid. Jeez, you hide one mass-murderer...
And lastly, Vinny Guadagnino, AKA "Vinny" of The Jersey Shore, returned to the show's beach house this weekend after earlier quitting the series. So, they're all back? Great, go ahead and board it up, guys. Hurry, before they run out of mixers!
Okay, that's all for today. Let's do this again tomorrow, what do you say?
Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Fridays with Spencer: Again?
Another week has come and gone, but this week I've been listening to "Buddhism for Beginners" on my commute to work. So, I feel I'm more in the moment, more content. I'll sit at work and meditate on this life I've been given and what to do with it. My boss just thinks I'm sitting around doing nothing, if he only knew! Let's be one with the jokes.
Jay Leno is not one with the jokes, hours after the "not guilty" verdict in the Casey Anthony trial, Jay Leno told a joke about the trial that got zero response. It completely fell flat, leaving him awkwardly repeating the joke. This will be added to the evidence that Jay Leno is not funny. As long as the trial isn't in Florida, I think we should win this.
Speaking of Casey Anthony, in America you are innocent until proven guilty... or apparently until Nancy Grace spends 3 years telling America you're guilty. Don't piss that woman off.
Angelina Jolie and Sarah Jessica Parker have tied as this years, "highest paid actress's". But in fairness, Sarah Jessica Parker made most of her money placing in the Kentucky Derby... she looks like a horse people.
Comedy Central is airing the Charlie Sheen roast the same day as Ashton Kutcher's 'Two and a Half Men' debut. America can now watch a man who knows his career is a joke get roasted, and then watch Ashton pretend his career isn't.
Harry Potter star Daniel Ratcliff recently admitted that he became reliant on alcohol to help him, "deal with the fame." Really Daniel? I think you probably drank knowing that the "fame" was almost over.
In other film news, Twilight's Kristen Stewart is going to be playing the role of Snow White in what is set to be a trilogy of the fairy tale. If the director has seen her act before, hopefully she'll be asleep until the end of the last film.
Well folks, that's it for me. Enjoy each moment on your way to Nirvana.
Jay Leno is not one with the jokes, hours after the "not guilty" verdict in the Casey Anthony trial, Jay Leno told a joke about the trial that got zero response. It completely fell flat, leaving him awkwardly repeating the joke. This will be added to the evidence that Jay Leno is not funny. As long as the trial isn't in Florida, I think we should win this.
Speaking of Casey Anthony, in America you are innocent until proven guilty... or apparently until Nancy Grace spends 3 years telling America you're guilty. Don't piss that woman off.
Angelina Jolie and Sarah Jessica Parker have tied as this years, "highest paid actress's". But in fairness, Sarah Jessica Parker made most of her money placing in the Kentucky Derby... she looks like a horse people.
Comedy Central is airing the Charlie Sheen roast the same day as Ashton Kutcher's 'Two and a Half Men' debut. America can now watch a man who knows his career is a joke get roasted, and then watch Ashton pretend his career isn't.
Harry Potter star Daniel Ratcliff recently admitted that he became reliant on alcohol to help him, "deal with the fame." Really Daniel? I think you probably drank knowing that the "fame" was almost over.
In other film news, Twilight's Kristen Stewart is going to be playing the role of Snow White in what is set to be a trilogy of the fairy tale. If the director has seen her act before, hopefully she'll be asleep until the end of the last film.
Well folks, that's it for me. Enjoy each moment on your way to Nirvana.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - July 7, 2011
Happy Thursday, sports fans! You all like sports, right? I hope so.
Speaking of sports, Cowboys receiver Roy Williams is suing his ex-girlfriend to get back the engagement ring he gave her. These days, that's the only way a Cowboy can get a ring.
And Roger Clemens' perjury trial got underway for statements he made about his steroid use. When asked for comment, Clemens said "Clemens mad! SO MAD!" before eating a camera.
In international sports news, the International Olympic Committee voted yesterday on the location of the 2018 Winter Olympics. To put it into Olympics terms, it was the Competitive Bribery event.
Pop singer Jordin Sparks will sing the National Anthem at this year's Major League Baseball All-Star Game. She's been preparing all week with a strict steroid regimen.
Elsewhere in baseball, Derek Jeter is nearing the 3000 hit mark. Former baseball legend and prodigious hitter Pete Rose said, "I bet he can do it. D'oh! That's not what I meant... Oh, never mind."
In football news, Brett Favre said he may be returning to football next season, leading to speculation that he has amnesia. And, he knows about the lockout, right?
Speaking of sports, Cowboys receiver Roy Williams is suing his ex-girlfriend to get back the engagement ring he gave her. These days, that's the only way a Cowboy can get a ring.
And Roger Clemens' perjury trial got underway for statements he made about his steroid use. When asked for comment, Clemens said "Clemens mad! SO MAD!" before eating a camera.
In international sports news, the International Olympic Committee voted yesterday on the location of the 2018 Winter Olympics. To put it into Olympics terms, it was the Competitive Bribery event.
Pop singer Jordin Sparks will sing the National Anthem at this year's Major League Baseball All-Star Game. She's been preparing all week with a strict steroid regimen.
Elsewhere in baseball, Derek Jeter is nearing the 3000 hit mark. Former baseball legend and prodigious hitter Pete Rose said, "I bet he can do it. D'oh! That's not what I meant... Oh, never mind."
In football news, Brett Favre said he may be returning to football next season, leading to speculation that he has amnesia. And, he knows about the lockout, right?
Speaking of lockouts, both the NFL and NBA are facing lockouts for next season, which is great news for the college funds of the children of gambling addicts. Just kidding! They don't have college funds.
And lastly, in news of the insane, anticipation is high in Spain for this year's running of the bulls. Participants have been training by taunting Roger Clemens and Jordin Sparks.
And lastly, in news of the insane, anticipation is high in Spain for this year's running of the bulls. Participants have been training by taunting Roger Clemens and Jordin Sparks.
Well, that's all for me this week, but I'll see you again on Monday. Spencer is in tomorrow, so stop by for his funny business. And have a great day!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 6, 2011
Welcome to Wednesday. You know, if someone built a bar and called it "Wednesday," and someone burned that bar down late one night when no one was around, I think I'd be okay with that. Anyway, let's all make fun of the "real" world.
The Vatican is opening an exhibit of its secret archive this week of papers relating to the Vatican's work over the last 400 years. One spokesman said, "it's so great that we're able to share these secret documents with the public after all these years. After all, what kind of faith shrouds itself in secrecy and byzantine bureaucracy and hides the truth from the world?"
Speaking of ugly truth, Comedy Central is planning to air a roast of Charlie Sheen this fall. Perhaps next season they'll just videotape people at a mental hospital and add zany sound effects.
A man was arrested yesterday for peeping on Paris Hilton. Apparently he doesn't have the Internet.
Follow up: the man is actually an obsessed stalker, and Ms. Hilton had to get a restraining order to keep him away. I'm guessing that's because he's never met her or spoken with her.
In India, the health minister recently said that homosexuality is a disease. Hmm. If the health minister is obsessed with homosexuality, I'm starting to see why so many people in India get cholera, typhoid fever, malaria and the damn plague!
An exercise bike was built recently using Google street-view photographs of the entire Tour de France course to allow anyone and everyone to bike through it just like a cycling superstar. Steroids are optional.
In Australia, police have been given the authority to remove burkas and other clothing that disguises a person's facial features. No word yet on how this might impact the work of Female Body Inspectors.
And lastly, a woman in Mexico was caught trying to sneak her husband out of prison in a large suitcase she brought along for their normal conjugal visit. Prison guards got suspicious when the bag kept humming Lonely Island's "I Just Had Sex."
Okay, I'm tired. That's that, kiddos!
See you tomorrow, and have a great day!
The Vatican is opening an exhibit of its secret archive this week of papers relating to the Vatican's work over the last 400 years. One spokesman said, "it's so great that we're able to share these secret documents with the public after all these years. After all, what kind of faith shrouds itself in secrecy and byzantine bureaucracy and hides the truth from the world?"
Speaking of ugly truth, Comedy Central is planning to air a roast of Charlie Sheen this fall. Perhaps next season they'll just videotape people at a mental hospital and add zany sound effects.
A man was arrested yesterday for peeping on Paris Hilton. Apparently he doesn't have the Internet.
Follow up: the man is actually an obsessed stalker, and Ms. Hilton had to get a restraining order to keep him away. I'm guessing that's because he's never met her or spoken with her.
In India, the health minister recently said that homosexuality is a disease. Hmm. If the health minister is obsessed with homosexuality, I'm starting to see why so many people in India get cholera, typhoid fever, malaria and the damn plague!
An exercise bike was built recently using Google street-view photographs of the entire Tour de France course to allow anyone and everyone to bike through it just like a cycling superstar. Steroids are optional.
In Australia, police have been given the authority to remove burkas and other clothing that disguises a person's facial features. No word yet on how this might impact the work of Female Body Inspectors.
And lastly, a woman in Mexico was caught trying to sneak her husband out of prison in a large suitcase she brought along for their normal conjugal visit. Prison guards got suspicious when the bag kept humming Lonely Island's "I Just Had Sex."
Okay, I'm tired. That's that, kiddos!
See you tomorrow, and have a great day!
Monday, July 4, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 5, 2011
Back to work, everybody. That includes you, Steve. And it includes me. Here are some more jokes.
In London this week, a life-size statue of President Ronald Reagan was unveiled in front of the U.S. Embassy. Strangely, the statue is actually crying, because it was built with taxpayer funds.
In Venezuela, Dear Leader Hugo Chavez vowed to fight his cancer like he's fought against the U.S.A.: with insane conspiracy theories.
In Mexico, a founding member of the Zetas drug cartel was arrested this week. They'll probably replace him, but it's never quite the same after you break up the original lineup. Just ask Menudo.
In North Ireland, a study found that residents spend over $800,000 on prostitution every week. Seems like the Greek bailout should involve a hooker-exchange program, right?
In Germany, Otto von Habsburg, the last living heir to the Austro-Hungarian empire and the fanciest instance of inbreeding in modern history, died at the tender age 98. Since he died of natural causes, I wonder who gets his cards? That's a RISK! joke. My apologies to people who played outside when they were kids.
In Michigan, an inmate sued the state over its ban on pornography in prison, claiming that it is cruel and unusual punishment. At least they're not making him watch "Two Girls, One Cup." DON'T GOOGLE THAT!
The Federal Aviation Administration recently gave permission to air traffic controllers to skip work if they're too tired to stay awake. This is fantastic news for people who like to avoid mid-air collisions. Come to think of it, maybe this is why the Reagan statue is crying. Because he fought the air traffic controllers union. Get it? It's history! Oh, forget it. Next up is a joke about a monkey.
Lastly, an escaped baboon was captured after leading authorities on a wild chase through the town of Howell, New Jersey. Look for the telegenic, outgoing primate to replace whats-his-name on The Jersey Shore if contract negotiations don't pan out.
Well, that's all for now. I do hope you're getting enough sleep, everybody. Yes, even you, Steve. Have a great day, and we'll see you tomorrow!
In London this week, a life-size statue of President Ronald Reagan was unveiled in front of the U.S. Embassy. Strangely, the statue is actually crying, because it was built with taxpayer funds.
In Venezuela, Dear Leader Hugo Chavez vowed to fight his cancer like he's fought against the U.S.A.: with insane conspiracy theories.
In Mexico, a founding member of the Zetas drug cartel was arrested this week. They'll probably replace him, but it's never quite the same after you break up the original lineup. Just ask Menudo.
In North Ireland, a study found that residents spend over $800,000 on prostitution every week. Seems like the Greek bailout should involve a hooker-exchange program, right?
In Germany, Otto von Habsburg, the last living heir to the Austro-Hungarian empire and the fanciest instance of inbreeding in modern history, died at the tender age 98. Since he died of natural causes, I wonder who gets his cards? That's a RISK! joke. My apologies to people who played outside when they were kids.
In Michigan, an inmate sued the state over its ban on pornography in prison, claiming that it is cruel and unusual punishment. At least they're not making him watch "Two Girls, One Cup." DON'T GOOGLE THAT!
The Federal Aviation Administration recently gave permission to air traffic controllers to skip work if they're too tired to stay awake. This is fantastic news for people who like to avoid mid-air collisions. Come to think of it, maybe this is why the Reagan statue is crying. Because he fought the air traffic controllers union. Get it? It's history! Oh, forget it. Next up is a joke about a monkey.
Lastly, an escaped baboon was captured after leading authorities on a wild chase through the town of Howell, New Jersey. Look for the telegenic, outgoing primate to replace whats-his-name on The Jersey Shore if contract negotiations don't pan out.
Well, that's all for now. I do hope you're getting enough sleep, everybody. Yes, even you, Steve. Have a great day, and we'll see you tomorrow!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - July 4, 2011
Happy Fourth of July, everyone! I hope you've got the day off, just like our founders wanted. While you enjoy your day, here's some jokes!
Speaking of American political history, Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain lost several staffers last week. The sad thing is he'll never know they left, as their resignation letters were more than three pages long.
In South American political news, Venezuelan "President" Hugo Chavez was diagnosed with cancer, which has actually led to increased support among his people. In a related story, Libya's Colonel Qaddafi has taken up sunbathing and started using a cell phone from 1989.
Speaking of Qaddafi, word came last week that the African Union is disregarding the arrest warrant issued for the Libyan leader. So, I guess that means they probably won't be paying their parking tickets, either.
Speaking of parking, the cost of fuel in Canada is rising to all-time highs this summer, which is driving up the cost of living across the country. It's so bad, that now they're having to use off-brand Kraft in their disgusting poutine dinners.
In movie news, the Internet is abuzz with rumors that Transformers 3 uses footage from a previous movie, which is shocking, considering how original the rest of the concept is.
In Texas, a man wrongfully convicted of murder was awarded a settlement of $1.4 million after spending nearly two decades in prison. Not only is the story a frightening warning about our judicial system, it's also the inspiration for a new reality show on FOX this fall.
In automotive news, Toyota is recalling another 82,200 cars. A statement from the company said "FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T USE THE CUPHOLDERS!"
And finally today, Google is in talks to buy the television and movie-streaming website Hulu, in part of their ongoing efforts to make sure no one gets anything done at work ever again. Keep it up!
Okay, that's all for now! Have a great day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!
Speaking of American political history, Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain lost several staffers last week. The sad thing is he'll never know they left, as their resignation letters were more than three pages long.
In South American political news, Venezuelan "President" Hugo Chavez was diagnosed with cancer, which has actually led to increased support among his people. In a related story, Libya's Colonel Qaddafi has taken up sunbathing and started using a cell phone from 1989.
Speaking of Qaddafi, word came last week that the African Union is disregarding the arrest warrant issued for the Libyan leader. So, I guess that means they probably won't be paying their parking tickets, either.
Speaking of parking, the cost of fuel in Canada is rising to all-time highs this summer, which is driving up the cost of living across the country. It's so bad, that now they're having to use off-brand Kraft in their disgusting poutine dinners.
In movie news, the Internet is abuzz with rumors that Transformers 3 uses footage from a previous movie, which is shocking, considering how original the rest of the concept is.
In Texas, a man wrongfully convicted of murder was awarded a settlement of $1.4 million after spending nearly two decades in prison. Not only is the story a frightening warning about our judicial system, it's also the inspiration for a new reality show on FOX this fall.
In automotive news, Toyota is recalling another 82,200 cars. A statement from the company said "FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T USE THE CUPHOLDERS!"
And finally today, Google is in talks to buy the television and movie-streaming website Hulu, in part of their ongoing efforts to make sure no one gets anything done at work ever again. Keep it up!
Okay, that's all for now! Have a great day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!
Friday, July 1, 2011
Fridays with Spencer: Walk of Shame
Happy Friday friends. It's my favorite day of the week. Where spinning your wheels is totally acceptable.
An asteroid the size of a tour bus flew past Earth on June 27. It was so close, it was beneath some of the planet's satellites. We have a black President, an asteroid hurtling toward Earth; Hollywood, now is the time to make a movie using this scenario!
A man in Connecticut broke into a home because, "God told him to do it." Unfortunately, the police and resident hate God and arrested him and pressed charges.
Speaking of God and his retributive justice, a new study shows that men have a biological clock as well. Both dwarfism, Marfan syndrome, Apert syndrome is a mutation caused exclusively by advanced paternal age. In a related story, Larry King is about to debut his own circus.
Charlie Sheen is single after his last "Goddess" left him. Sheen has lost his job, his girls and his kids. If only that asteroid were a bit closer to Earths gravitational pull...
Mother nature doesn't like men, go figure. Between 1995 and 2008, lightning killed 648 people, and of those, 82 percent were male, according to AccuWeather.com. So there ya go. Women get to vote, keep the house AND survive the wrath of mother nature. The only thing that makes me feel better is that we can make you carry genetically deficient children.
Do I still have to pay back my student loans? "College prices have been going up faster than any others costs in the American economy, faster even than healthcare and certainly faster than inflation and family income," said Patrick Callan, Founder of the National Center for Public Policy and Higher Education. So, you're going to be poor regardless. Have fun out there kids.
The Arizona Capitol has been dealing with an influx of rats. No word yet on if the infestation was caused by nearby storm sewer construction or the last election.
That's it for me. Have a happy and safe 4th. AMERICA!
An asteroid the size of a tour bus flew past Earth on June 27. It was so close, it was beneath some of the planet's satellites. We have a black President, an asteroid hurtling toward Earth; Hollywood, now is the time to make a movie using this scenario!
A man in Connecticut broke into a home because, "God told him to do it." Unfortunately, the police and resident hate God and arrested him and pressed charges.
Speaking of God and his retributive justice, a new study shows that men have a biological clock as well. Both dwarfism, Marfan syndrome, Apert syndrome is a mutation caused exclusively by advanced paternal age. In a related story, Larry King is about to debut his own circus.
Charlie Sheen is single after his last "Goddess" left him. Sheen has lost his job, his girls and his kids. If only that asteroid were a bit closer to Earths gravitational pull...
Mother nature doesn't like men, go figure. Between 1995 and 2008, lightning killed 648 people, and of those, 82 percent were male, according to AccuWeather.com. So there ya go. Women get to vote, keep the house AND survive the wrath of mother nature. The only thing that makes me feel better is that we can make you carry genetically deficient children.
Do I still have to pay back my student loans? "College prices have been going up faster than any others costs in the American economy, faster even than healthcare and certainly faster than inflation and family income," said Patrick Callan, Founder of the National Center for Public Policy and Higher Education. So, you're going to be poor regardless. Have fun out there kids.
The Arizona Capitol has been dealing with an influx of rats. No word yet on if the infestation was caused by nearby storm sewer construction or the last election.
That's it for me. Have a happy and safe 4th. AMERICA!
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