Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 1, 2011

Welcome to Wednesday, or as the Germans would say, "Das Wednesday." I just came from a show at an international youth hostel in New York. Turns out my set is just as funny to people who don't speak English. I'll let you decide if that's a good thing or not.

You know what is good? Gifts. Speaking of gifts, former decent person John Edwards faces charges of improperly using campaign funds to hush up his mistress/babymomma back in 2008. He's arguing that the money was a gift, and not a donation. That's about as believable as "don't worry, I'll pull out."

Speaking of pulling out, Donald Trump welcomed his female self to New York City yesterday. That's right, Sarah Palin paid the combover a visit, and they shared dinner together. It's like Sleepless in Seattle, but with a-holes.

Speaking of things that won't go away, horses in America are beset by an outbreak of Horse Herpes in the western U.S. Veterinarians have tracked the outback to a visit by Horse A-Rod to Horse Studio 54 earlier this year. Horse.

Yeah. That's science. Also science: a study released last month revealed that people with long commutes to work are more likely to get divorced. This is especially true for people who spend their commute banging other commuters on the subway. Ugh. That's about the least sexy sentence that's ever been on this blog.

Speaking of unsexy, the Subway restaurant chain issued a statement recently saying "We'll help avocado go mainstream." So, I guess now hipsters will have to start hating avocado, and talk about how much better they were when they were just some unknown indie fruit trees from Puebla, Mexico. It's basically the same thing that happened with Rilo Kiley.

In other entertainment news, FOX ordered a show that sounds suspiciously like an Antiques Roadshow knockoff. Only the FOX version will feature a British guy in a black tshirt saying your antiques "just don't want it enough."

Speaking of not wanting it enough, megachurcher and crystal meth aficionado Ted Haggard will be making a cameo appearance in an upcoming "Christian sex comedy." Now you might be wondering, "what's a Christian sex comedy?" Well, it's actually about abstinence. Which is an interesting interpretation of "sex." Can't wait to see how they interpret "comedy." I'm guessing there will be as much comedy as there is boning. Oh, but maybe Donald and Sarah could star in it!

And lastly, big legal trouble for a former television star Andy Dick. Mr. Dick is being sued for taking his little mr. dick out and walking through the audience at one of his shows. The most surprising thing? PEOPLE STILL ALLOW ANDY DICK ON STAGE?! Glad to see "sobriety" is working out for him.

Well that's it. Sorry for the downer ending. But what are you gonna do, right? Tomorrow is a brand new day, right? Be sure to tell your friends, and don't forget your sunblock! See you Thursday, everyone!

And have a great day.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 31, 2011

Good (insert time of day here) everybody! Well, looks like summer is here, unofficially of course. Granted, the equinox may not have happened yet, or the solstice, or whatever it is, but it's summer. Can we all agree on that? Yeah, facts and science are dumb. Let's trust our feelings. Did I mention that it's good I'm not a doctor? Any time you think that our educational system isn't working properly, you just remember that it worked well enough to steer me away from medicine. And into comedy. Sort of. Anyway...

Speaking of steering, a woman in Saudi Arabia was recently jailed for driving. I assume she was driving dangerously and erratically. I mean, otherwise, what sense would there be in locking a woman up just for driving? Oh, that would be something, huh? What a crazy world that would be! Hmm. That's not a terribly funny joke. How about if I mentioned how she was using the rear view mirror to put lipstick on her burqa?

Speaking of insanity, Sarah Palin, who is totally not running for president right now you guys, said at a recent press event that she didn't owe the mainstream media anything. When asked if she was familiar with hubris, the former Governor replied, "oh sure, yeah, I've got lots of Jewish friends."

In Sweden, the Swedish King of Sweden, King Gustav XVI of Sweden, denied reports that photographs exist of him cavorting with naked women at a sex club. The King issued a statement in his defense, saying, "come on, I'm not British." In a related story, what's the point of being the King of Sweden if you can't get the ladies to come to you? Offer them the Nobel Prize for Booty Shaking or something, at least!

Alright, speaking of party chicks in Europe, "Snooki" crashed her car into an Italian cop car this weekend. Well done, Snooki. Authorities actually said alcohol was not a contributing factor for the crash, but they could not rule out the big part played by stupidity.

Back in America, Internet "hacktivists" attacked PBS over a story on Wikileaks. They broke into the PBS Twitter account (yes, there is one) and published a false story about Tupac Shakur living secretly in New Zealand. The hackers pulled the same prank on FOX News, but no one could tell the difference.


Producers of the non-cancelled show Cougar Town are considering a title change, as they feel that Cougar Town does not fully reflect the breadth of the show. Top contender for the new name? MILF City.

Back in Europe, Germany announced that due to its dangerous and unpredictable nature, they will be abandoning nuclear power by 2022. They're still undecided on what to do about salad.

Lastly, you've probably heard about the new Google wallet app, which will make it easier to pay for things. I don't know if Google really understands that it isn't the inconvenience that's stopping people from buying things. It's usually poverty. No one walks up to a counter, reaches for their wallet and stops halfway, weakened from the exertion. Maybe I'm being a bit of a Luddite about this. But I do know if Google really wants people to use their wallet app, they'd best get working on a way to keep a condom in it.

THAT'S THE END! Best go back to pretending to work now. We'll be back tomorrow and Thursday, then Spencer and Earnest will see you though the weekend. It's going to be glorious. Alright, we'll do this again soon, alright? Till then, have a great day!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - May 31, 2011

Happy Memorial Day! Hope you're enjoying your day off. Or if you're working today, hope you're enjoying time-and-a-half. Obviously we're not taking today off, so you're not alone. We will, however, be doing a half-assed job. Just like always. It's a good thing I'm not a doctor. Or a high-ranking member of Pakistan's intelligence agency, the ISI. 'Cause they've already got enough people who suck at their jobs! BOOM! Okay, let's make with the jokes and laugh and clap and such.

Who likes socially relevant jokes? Not me, so I won't be enjoying this next one. Here goes. So, South Dakota recently passed new laws regulating abortion access, and Planned Parenthood and other women's rights advocates are already challenging the law, trying to get rid of it before it even goes into effect. Anti-choice activists, however, want to see the law come into effect and, if need be, will help to find it a good home with adoptive parents... Wow, that metaphor was so tortured, you'd think it was in Guantanamo. BOOM! SOCIALLY-RELEVANT-COMBO!!!!!!

I'm really more proud of that than I should be. Let's move on.

Speaking of social relevancy, Sarah Palin rode into Washington, D.C. on a motorcycle this weekend to kick off a public appearance that is totally unrelated to her run for the Presidency, which she's totally not decided about. Totally. Oh, and by the way, thanks for ruining motorcycles. What's the best way to drain any subversive, counter-cultural credibility from something? Sit a Stepford-fascist on it. Wait a minute... can we get her to sit on Noam Chomsky's head for a while? Seriously, that guy has come down with a wicked case of tool-itis.

In other news of tools... Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who is still not a confirmed James Bond villain but come on, is receiving home-delivered breakfasts while under house arrest. No word yet if he's been able to find a cleaning service willing to budge on their non-rape policies. He's gonna like prison.

On a lighter note, it turns out that 3-D movies are not nearly as profitable as Hollywood was hoping. Looks they have overlooked the crucial cyclops demographic...

In Colombia, investigators uncovered a massive criminal conspiracy stretching back 25 years. No, really. It turns out that nearly seven million hectares of land had been stolen over the last quarter century. I can't imagine where that land was being hidden, though. Maybe Nebraska? Nobody ever goes looking for anything there.

In other Columbian news, coffee growers announced that demand for coffee is outstripping the ability to grow and distribute it. This is bad news for people who like a functioning society. Looks like there's nothing for the world to do but turn to methamphetamines and cocaine. Either that or START GETTING TO BED EARLIER! But what do I know? I'm posting this at 1:00am.

Speaking of drug-pushers, Saudi Arabian Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal called for OPEC to lower oil prices in order to keep Europe and America from finding alternatives and/or weaning themselves off of oil. What a pal, that old bin Talal. Next he'll call for men to beat their wives with slightly less vigor so as to keep them from agitating for more human rights. See, it's slightly better than the worst case scenario! Everything's fine, right?

And lastly, the government of Iran recently vowed to "unplug" the Internet. That's a clear sign that they have a full and functional understanding of how the Internet works. But I've got bad news for Iran. You can go ahead and unplug the Internet, you can destroy every computer and every server in the world, but guess what? You'll never be able to get Rebecca Black's "Friday" out of your head. Once it's there, the only way to get it out is with a bullet.

That's all! Hope you had a great weekend and enjoy today! We'll be back tomorrow with more, so tell your friends to check us out!

Also, if you're into that sort of thing, you can check out my new side-project, wherein we follow the fictional summer tour of a robot programmed to tell awful jokes at the worst comedy clubs in America. You know, that old chestnut. Check it out: http://theunstoppablehackbot.blogspot.com/

Have a great day!

Friday, May 27, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: but sex is fun!

Hello friends! If you're one of my Oklahoma readers, I hope that you are alive and that your house wasn't destroyed by swirling wind. If it was, I'm sorry and my thoughts and prayers are with you, now seriously, get back to work. I think I saw part of your house two counties over. Seth will be sending you some new boxer shorts. It's all he can give!

Here is something interesting: A decapitated head, said to be that of St. Vitalis of Assisi, the patron saint of genital diseases, will be sold at an auction. So, the Catholic church has a patron saint of genital diseases? I would assume most young boys are clean, but good to know they have someone to pray to if they run into one of those "slutty" altar boys.

Have you ever seen "Back to the Future"? You know that part where Michael J. Fox uses a car to tow him on his skateboard? Well, a man in Santa Clarita did that and died. He was also a fan of the video-game, Skate or Die.

Here’s a group that makes deathers, truthers, and birthers look nearly rational. A small ground of conspiracy websites has begun floating the theory that the Jan. 8 shootings in Tucson, in which five were killed and Rep. Gabrielle Giffords gravely injured, were a hoax—perhaps perpetrated by the government. Anyone remember the good ole days, when the government faked the moon landing? Life was so much simpler.

Speaking of nut-jobs, Sarah Palin may have a secret weapon to catapult herself to the front of the Republican presidential race: a movie. RealClearPolitics recently screened a rough cut of The Undefeated, a two-hour, million-dollar epic directed—and financed—by conservative filmmaker Stephen K. Bannon. If you go see this movie, you can be just like Palin, and leave in the middle.

Radar Online reports that Maria Shriver has hired a private investigator to trace rumors and tabloid claims that Schwarzenegger may have fathered other illegitimate children. Guess who now hates "anchor babies"? ME! Congrats Tea Party!

According to a report that aired Sunday night on CBS’ 60 Minutes, cyclist Lance Armstrong’s former teammate, Tyler Hamilton, claims that Armstrong and other team leaders encouraged, promoted, and took part in a doping program. Which is why teammates say he never won the Tour de France seven times.

The Westboro Baptist Church plans to picket in Joplin on Sunday, where at least 125 people have died in a tornado. Afterward, they will likely enjoy a nice dinner at Dolly Parton's Dixieland Stampede. It's like Medieval Times, but ignorant!

I've heard of Tiger Mothers, but not this... George L. Chin, 63, of Mattapoisett was arraigned on charges that he repeatedly slapped his adult son for playing poorly during a tennis match. Did I mention this happened at the Special Olympics? Oh, it did. But afterward he took his son to a nice dinner at Dolly Parton's Dixieland Stampede! POTATOES!

That's it for me. I love you all!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 26, 2011

Welcome to your Thursday, you Internet people. I'm a little torn up about the cancellation of The Event, so there won't be much banter from me today. Maybe it'll be back. I don't know. Things like that make you question your faith in NB... oh, right. Never mind.

A New Jersey woman was diagnosed with cataplexy, a disorder that causes her to fall asleep every time she so much as giggles. That's gotta suck. But to make matters worse, NBC just cancelled her favorite show, [Outsourced]. Apparently it's the only program she could make it all the way through.

In New York, Courtney Love is in town promoting, I don't know, her twitter account or something. While she's here, she told reporters that she started taking Valium at the ripe old age of 8. Congratulations, Hoffmann-La Roche, your drug is getting free exposure! No press is bad press, right? Right? Although, this may be a conflict of interest for Ms. Love, as she's already a compensated spokesperson for "Batshit-Crazy." Remember, for all your insane needs, choose Batshit-Crazy!

In environmental news, Iran's largest lake, Lake Oroumieh, is turning salty. Iranian scientists are investigating the phenomenon, and expect to have an explanation of how it was caused by the Jews sometime early next week.

In legal news, former role-model and current cautionary-tale John Edwards may be facing indictment from the Department of Justice. And it couldn't happen to a nicer fella. It's just a shame Elizabeth couldn't see it in person. Oh, and that he's a piece of shit. That's a shame, too.

In "literary" news, the Kardashian sisters announced a new contest to name their novel. Pretty cool for fans, right? Well, next month they'll have another contest, where one lucky fan will get to write the whole book.

A recent survey of professional bankers found that 72% of them admitted to cheating on their spouses. Wow, they just can't stop screwing people. Any chance John Edwards was a banker?

Speaking of horrible revelations, a Sarah Palin biopic opened in Iowa this week. Early reviews call it "hilarious," and "must-not see."

And finally, a report from historians released this week revealed that Nazi scientists tried to teach dogs how to read, write and speak. How did they lose the war again? But this is exciting news for Steven Spielberg, who just found the villain for his next Indiana Jones movie! And regardless of how crappy the dog special effects are, it will still be more believable than Shia LaBoef. He's not going to be in the Thundercats movie, is he?

Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow for more hilarity from Spencer, and I'll be back on Monday. If you're in Hoboken, come see me at Clam Broth House Friday at 9pm this Friday, and no matter where you are, have a great day.

And don't forget the sunblock!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 25, 2011

So... this week has been pretty light on the light-hearted banter. More like extra-light. My apologies. I blame my allergies for this. Why? I don't have a real reason, but I hate them so much. I hate them like Pakistan hates having to admit that members of its security services and armed forces are actively collaborating with international terrorists. Wait, what? I'm not sure what I meant by that, but it sounds bad for Pakistan. Good thing they don't have nuclear... Oh. Right. Eff. Oh well, have some jokes!

Have you all been keeping up with Dancing with the Stars? Have you noticed how much weight Kirstie Alley has lost? She's dropped 38 inches since the season started! Isn't that great? Ms. Alley has been so inspired by her dramatic transformation that she's now working on a diet and exercise plan called "Join the Cast of Dancing with the Stars." Admittedly, it requires more of a commitment than most people will be capable of. For example, the first step: "become a major star, beloved by millions, then fade into semi to total obscurity and wait for Tom Bergeron to call you." It's tough, but you can't argue with the results.

Elsewhere on the magical story box, Mark Burnett, the producer of CBS’s hit reality show Survivor has signed on with the History Channel to produce a 10-hour miniseries based upon the Bible. I’m sure it will be awesome, and completely respectful of the source material. Although it's going to be weird for Burnett to be working with material that's already scripted out with a clear ending in mind.

Hey, remember Candy Land, that fun children’s game from our childhood? It was the one where you, I don’t know, get candy or something? Well, pre-production began recently on the Candy Land movie! As expected, Michael Bay is slated to direct. Now you’ll get to see what it looks like when a sparkly sugar castle gets blown all to hell by robotic alien pirates. That’s probably not true, but man, what if it was?

Back to television, because that's what we love, there's big news for American Idol fans. This week, the show's creator, Simon Fuller, was honored with his own star on the Hollywood walk of fame. In a related story, Justin Gaurini will be sleeping on the sidewalk near that star. Is that how you spell his name? Oh, who gives a crap? Certainly not America.

In sadder news, the National Pinball Museum will be closing after just five months, due to a lack of funding. Although, if they get a match, they’ll get one more play. That’s a pinball joke. It barely makes sense if you’ve played pinball, and makes no sense if you haven’t. There, I admitted it. You happy now?

In other news of unhappy matches, an America woman in Salt Lake City was arrested this week for attempting to sell her daughter’s virginity. In her defense, however, the guy was offering a lot of cows and goats.

Speaking of legal issues, a recent Supreme Court ruling is forcing California to release 37,000 inmates from the state’s prisons. Unfortunately, Mark Burnett is already tied up with the Bible series on the History Channel, or else that would be one sweet reality show.

And finally, in Internet news, LinkedIn is now estimated to be worth approximately $4 billion, which means someone must have figured out how to use it for sex.

Over and out, my friends! Keep up the sunblock and let me know how the SPF is working out for you! Tell your friends the same, and we'll see you tomorrow.

Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.

P.s.: it's either boxer shorts or south asian geopolitical analysis. No middle ground here, dear readers. I welcome your banter choice.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 24, 2011

Happy Tuesday! Let's get to it.

In Philadelphia, an alleged crime boss was arrested yesterday. In hindsight, his only mistake was being a crime boss.

Speaking of crime, a man in Colorado Springs robbed a Wells Fargo bank while on crutches. Witnesses reported feeling terrified and inspired.

In fake crime, a 44-year old Canadian man told his wife that he had been mugged, rather than admit that he was unable to secure tickets to Oprah Winfrey's last show. Too bad Oprah's going off the air, because that sounds like a good show topic.

Speaking of talk show hosts, Rikki Lake said recently that being in love has made her fat. Still no explanation as to what made her a terrible actress.

In end of the world news, Biblical math-enthusiast Harold Camping, the 89-year old who predicted the world would end on Saturday, clarified yesterday that the actual end of the world will occur on October 21st. It's amazing that Camping has stuck to his guns on the whole "I figured out when the world is going to end" business, rather than just admit that he doesn't understand metaphors.

In other news signaling the end of the world, let's talk about the Billboard Music Awards. At the ceremony this weekend, Rihanna's security detail kept little Justin Bieber from talking to the star at the end of the program. Bieber, obviously angered by the snub, kept his cool and didn't bite anyone. Are you taking notes, Chris Brown?

Speaking of taking notes, TMZ is reporting that the Schwarzenegger love child story was initially leaked to the press by Maria Shriver's people. Seems fair, seeing as how the whole thing started with a leak from Arnold.

And lastly, Mark Zuckerberg said this week that he thinks children under 13 should be allowed to use Facebook, due to the great potential for education afforded by the website. NAMBLA issued a statement of support.

That's all for now, I guess. See you tomorrow! Till, then, don't forget your sunblock, and have a great day!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - May 23, 2011

Welcome back to the Internet, friends! What a great weekend, right? It was so great, that I've been left without the ability to banter. Can you believe that? I can barely even make a comment about my new... suncreen. It's spf 100. That's a lot of screening. It's basically an a tube of eclipse. Ain't science grand? Okay, you've been very good to put up with this so far,  so have some jokes.

Speaking of jokes, there was no rapture this weekend, which must really bother Kirk Cameron. No word yet on why the world wasn't destroyed, but I have to assume Dr. Who had something to do with it. You're welcome, nerds. Seriously, though, a lot of people must be super disappointed that the world didn't end. Does Hallmark make a sympathy card for that? But by far, the most troubling thing about this whole apocalypse hooplah is that now Scientology seems much more respectable by comparison. Tom Cruise still gives me the creeps, though. Right?

Speaking of creeps, on 60 Minutes this weekend a former teammate of Lance Armstrong accused the champion cyclist of engaging in doping and encouraging other riders to do the same. In fact, he said that Armstrong led a double life, with one half all about drugs and deceit that nearly ruined his life entirely. Scorsese is interested in the movie rights. His only concern is how to make Robert DeNiro look like a tall, lanky athlete from Texas.

In political news, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels announced he will not be running for President, saying that he has to concentrate on completely ruining Indiana before moving on to the rest of the nation. Maybe 2016...

In other GOP news, former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain announced he is running for President. He's vowed to do for America what he did Godfather's: drive it into obscurity and bankruptcy.

Hey, Internet, guess what? Lady Gaga uses the Google Chrome web browser. Not really a surprise, though, considering her preferred bra material.

So, you heard about that guy from the International Monetary Fund who might have raped that woman? Or women? Well, he quit that job, and they might have found his replacement. Her name is Christine Lagarde, and she's the French Finance Minister. As Finance Minister, her policies have focused on emerging markets, new technologies, and not raping people. It's a bold new direction.

In lighter news, Family Guy "creator" Seth MacFarlane signed on to create a new Flintstones series for FOX. This should be easy for MacFarlane, considering how well he repackaged The Simpsons as Family Guy. BOOM! Take that, winner!

In America, and nowhere else, a retired prison guard successfully ate his 25,000th Big Mac last week. Yes, that's the record. Thank God. The man ate 25,000 Big Macs over 39 years. That works out to just over 641 Big Macs per year, or 1.75 Big Macs per day, every day, for 39 years. Good thing he doesn't get tired of the same crap, over and over. In a related story, he's looking forward to Seth MacFarlane's new Flintstones series. BOOM! Feel the sting, MacFarlane? You just got dissed in front of upwards of two dozen people and Internet search bots.

Okay, that's all for now. I'm going go put on some sunscreen. I suggest you do the same. And if you feel like it, tell your friends, too. While you're doing that, maybe tell them to check out the jokes?

Anyway, that's all for now. More tomorrow. Till then, have a great day!

Friday, May 20, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Crack your knuckles, don't knuckle your crack

Howdy friends! Thank you for spending a few minutes of your Friday with me. It really means a lot to me. Especially after all we've been through. Hey, did you hear about this?

In Boston, a computer virus sent out the social security numbers of a database of people on unemployment. Making it easy for identity thieves to be turned down for credit.

An article in Live Science discusses a possible cure for cancer that isn't being funded by big pharma because it would, "cut into profits." Perhaps someone should tell Pfizer that selling a cheap cure for cancer would be better PR than spending millions advertising their "boner" pills.

In Ohio, a city council member was arrested for fighting in a McDonald's. He apparently didn't agree with a motion by Mayor McCheese.

Evansville, Indiana has been named the "Obesity Capital" of America. Congratulations Evansville, you worked hard and put in the time to be sedentary and bring your collective metabolism to a screeching halt.

A teacher in Checotah Oklahoma has been accused of having sex with a student. Leading all the male students in the school to wish Carrie Underwood had gone into teaching.

United Airlines apologized for reusing the flight numbers of the 9/11 attacks. Two things: 1) Who pays that much attention to their flight number and flight numbers of yore, and 2) Why didn't you pay the royalty fee to Rudy Guliani?

NASA reported that a 7-ton magnet was successfully installed on the international space station. This has been the biggest job ACME has had since Loony Tunes went off the air.

Finally, Al Qaeda has a new number one, Saif al-Adel, apparently Donald Trump couldn't get out of his contract with NBC.

Thank you for stopping by. Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 19, 2011

Uh, it's Thursday. I don't know what to say. Maybe something about boxer shorts and late 90s girl rock... we'll go with Dar Williams this time. I don't know. Kinda running out of words. Okay, let's just get to the jokes.

So, the ever classy Queen of England is visiting Ireland, for some reason, and stopped by the scene of the "Bloody Sunday" uprising to lay a wreath in memory of the people who were killed while trying to free themselves from her family. Class act, Mum. In addition to the Bloody Sunday trip, the Queen is planning to visit Joshua Tree and some place where the streets have no name. She refused, however, to see Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark.

Speaking of dead horses I can't stop beating, former Senator Rick Santorum said this week that Senator John McCain, who was tortured for five years by Viet Cong interrogators, doesn't understand interrogation. That's just ridiculous. That would be like John McCain saying that Santorum doesn't understand shit.

Let's class it back up a bit, and talk about the Royal Wedding again. Because why not? So, there's an auction online to raise money for charity by selling off things the royals touched or wore at the wedding, because they are as gods among us, and we shall pray upon their relics. Bidding has been brisk, and in fact the hat that Princess Beatrice wore, the one that looks like a weirdly comfortable toilet seat, is up to $30,000. So, you can pay thirty grand for the original, or you can buy a cheap knock off this summer... in the bathroom fixtures section of Home Depot.

In other auction news, an auction started this week to sell off all the Unabomber's old stuff to raise money for his victims and their families. And just to piss him off even further, the auction is only online.

Do you like art? Do you love it? Do you love it? Hmm? Well, a new study shows that looking at art gives people the same pleasure as being in love. Incidentally, this study was conducted by the Spinster Institute: "leading the charge on love-replacement technology." So now, you can safely say that if someone doesn't get modern art, they're probably no good in bed. Is that right? I'm not a doctor.

Speaking of doctors, the CDC offered tips this week on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. Good to know they've got that whole heart-disease-diabetes-AIDS-cancer-tuberculosis-other-cancer-herpes thing taken care of, so now they can protect us from make-believe diseases. Hey, maybe next week they'll issue tips on how to survive boogie fever. I think it's going around.

Speaking of going around, Saif al-Adel was the last to say "not it" and is now the interim leader of Al Qaeda. Might want to start your exit strategy now, Saif. The notorious organization of international bastards is having trouble finding a new leader, for some reason, and they're not getting any good hits off their Monster.com job posting. Perhaps they should remove the "70 virgins" bit from the compensation package. It makes them sound desperate...

Lastly, producers of the new The Great Gatsby film found a replacement for Ben Affleck. This is good news, of course, but they did have a backup plan: film the rest of his scenes with a sack of potatoes, and see if anyone notices. Oh, is that not fair? You watch The Town and tell me if half of those scenes wouldn't have been better off with 30 pounds of Idaho Russets instead.

Hmm. Potatoes sound good. Have you had a potato today? You go have one, unless you're allergic or avoiding carbs, and come see us again tomorrow. Spencer and Earnest will be joking it up, and I'll be back on Monday. Just you wait. You'll see!

Until then, have a great day!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 18, 2011

Have you been waiting for Wednesday? Well, this one is a firecracker of a day! I hope you enjoy it, yes I do. Oh, let's forget about it. If you're a Lisa Loeb fan, then the previous three sentences may have been mildly amusing to you. To the rest of you, I'm so sorry. Truthfully. But seriously, check out Firecracker, it's a wonderful album. Do this, I say. You'll love it in a split second. I'm no good at banter, it turns out. But at least I'm not talking about my amazing underpants anymore. Oops. Alright, enjoy these jokes.

You remember Happy Meals, right? They used to sell them and include a little toy for you to play with until you pass out from all the "nutrients" in the meal you just ate, remember? Well, you can't do that anymore in Florida. It's been outlawed! But lobbyists for the restaurant industry are fighting the ban and trying to find loopholes in the law so they can continue to entice children to eat their crappy food in order to get a toy. Not once, apparently, has it occurred to them that it might be easier to JUST SELL THE  DAMN TOYS! They must be really committed to poorly-cooked hamburgers. Maybe it's a union thing.

In China, on the other hand, and side of the world, watermelon farmers are having a rough spring this year, as their crops keep exploding. Yes. Exploding watermelons. It's due to a growth hormone, apparently, and it's awful news for Gallagher. But thank goodness it wasn't happening on dairy farms, or this would be a much darker joke.

Speaking of juicy, explosive stories (you like what I did there?), former Governor Arnold Schwarzenneger confirmed yesterday that he secretly fathered a child with a member of his staff ten years ago. How embarrassed must he have been to keep this a secret for so long? I mean, after all, this is a guy who actively and proudly promoted the film Junior. I kinda thought he had no shame.

Also lacking in shame, the producers of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark have ruined a perfectly good Internet meme by turning their colossal turd of a musical into a "good" show. And all they had to do was fire the entire team behind the musical and bring in new leadership. Is it too much to hope that Al Qaeda could... no, I think one miracle per generation is all we can hope for. So go see Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark today! Well, at least the name is still stupid. We can make fun of them for that.

Elsewhere in America, there was good news for American criminals, as FOX announced it has canceled America's Most Wanted after what seems like 600 years on television. Now if rapists, murderers and other miscreants want to get on television, they'll have to audition for X-Factor, just like everyone else. There's no shortcuts to fame, I guess.

In other legal news, the Recording Industry Association of America reached a settlement in its lawsuit against the music "sharing" service Limewire. Under the agreement, record labels will split a payout of $105 million... and artists will get exactly zero dollars. That's fair, right? Well, looks like the music industry is right back where it's supposed to be!

In New York, the taxi fleet is getting classed up. No, we're not going to see cabbies in tuxedos, although that would be awesome. No, a number of new Lexus Hybrids are entering service, so now you can feel classy and environmentally-conscious when you vomit in the back of a cab at 3:00 am.

And finally, in celebrity news, actor and case study Tracy Morgan is apparently back with his old flame, and kidney donor, Tanisha Hall. Tracy made news previously when he, ahem, dumped her after she gave him one of her kidneys. Well, they've reconciled, it seems, which can only mean one thing: looks like someone's relapsing! Heaven forbid.

And I'm all out of jokes. There will be more tomorrow. You should let your friends know, because people like to be included in things. Especially things that are cool. Thanks for stopping by, hope you had a chuckle or eight.

Have a great day!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 17, 2011

Welcome back. I'm starting to think that you've come here just for the jokes, and not to hear about my underpants. Is that true? Looks like I have some soul-searching to do. At least I'll be wearing a pair of super-comfortable Hanes Boxers while I do it. Okay, here's some jokes.

In Wisconsin, soon-to-be-former Governor Scott Walker said that the proposed domestic partner law before the state legislature is "unconstitutional." And if anyone should be able to spot an unconstitutional law, it's Scott Walker.

Elsewhere in America, the federal government is about to hit the debt ceiling, meaning it will soon default on loans and other financial obligations. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has a plan, though. America is going to change its name, and no one will answer the phone anymore for unknown callers. Seriously, you guys. Don't answer the phone.

In news about bankruptcy of another sort, the Vatican suggested this weekend that Bishops should report instances of abuse in their parishes to the police. Conspicuously absent from the declaration: a reminder not to abuse children. They did, however, cancel plans for production of an anti-abuse training video directed by Roman Polanski. Although, I bet he's pretty good at spotting sexually abusive behavior. He's kind of like the Scott Walker of rape.

That got dark. Sorry. In technology news, BlackBerry-maker RIM is recalling up to 1,000 of their new PlayBook tablet computers, due to defects. The recall is good news, though, as it has raised demand for PlayBooks by 1000%.

This week a German man was sentenced to six months in jail for spider smuggling. In other news, plum smuggling is still legal, and amazingly comfortable in a pair of cotton-poly-blend Hanes Boxer Briefs.

In Chicago, Rahm Emmanuel was sworn into office as Mayor this weekend, although there was some initial doubt as to whether or not his oath of office was valid, considering the number of "f-bombs" he inserted into the text.

This weekend, celebrity photographers spotted former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone at a restaurant together. It was, by far, the most action-packed and least intelligible brunch in America. In other news, it was the first time anyone ate at Planet Hollywood in six months!

Lastly, dermatologists this week published a study on Morgellons syndrome, a condition in which patients feel a constant creepy, crawly sensation underneath their skin for no discernable medical reason. Doctors may be nearing a breakthrough in determining the cause, however, when they discovered that every patient developed symptoms after hanging out with Roman Polanski. Creepy little shit.

Okay, that's all. Tell your friends, why don't ya, and let us know how we're doing. Are you tired of hearing about my boxers yet? I have to assume that you aren't, unless you say something. I do hope this brightened your day a bit, and I look forward to amusing you again tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - May 16, 2011

Hey everybody! How was your weekend? Yeah, I hear that. Well, that's about as much banter as I can muster today. How about you read some jokes, and just imagine that I said something about my new boxers (yes, they're still amazing).

In international news, aka "who cares," one of the managers of the International Monetary Fund was pulled off a flight recently and arrested on charges of sexual assault. The man, Dominique Strauss-Kahn,  who sounds a lot like a James Bond villain, is also running for President of France. Maybe he thought he was running against Silvio Berlusconi.

In American presidential primary news, aka "the real one," Mike Huckabee said he will not be running for the Republican nomination for 2012, citing his need to spend his time and energy focusing on strengthening his personal relationship to his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He then announced a one-time-only special discount on copies of his diet book, his other book and his animated American history DVDs for a limited time only! ACT NOW!

While we're talking about this, we should mention that Donald Trump will likely not be running for the nomination, for pretty much the same reason as Huckabee. Except in stead of Jesus Christ, Trump will be concentrating his time and energy on his first love: the mirror.

Big news in the middle east, this week, too. In Abu Dhabi, the founder of the Blackwater "security" company recently landed a contract with the government to raise and maintain an 800-man private army of foreign fighters, loyal only to the government. So, that's good news for democracy.

In "beautiful on the outside" news, it turns out a contender for this year's Miss USA title had to drop out after authorities charged her with three counts of identity theft. That's too bad, as I was really looking forward to her talent demonstration on how to fix your credit scores.

Speaking of religion, the Vatican made an announcement this weekend, which is always good news for me. Specifically, the Vatican said that the question of whether to conduct Mass in Latin should be made by the parishes, but should not be a source of division among Catholics. Unfortunately, they said it in Latin, so no one understood it. Maybe if they said it in Welsh...

Elsewhere on the Italian peninsula, a public bus driver was arrested for speaking on two cell phones while driving the bus. This is unfortunate, but that's what you get when you cut costs by hiring 14 year-old girls to drive your buses. On the other hand, if it keeps them away from Silvio, then that's a risk worth taking.

Lastly, have you all seen the advertisements around the country claiming the world will end this Saturday? Well, it turns out they're all from one retired subway engineer who spent his entire life savings to pay for the apocalyptic ads. But if the world is ending this weekend, then I don't understand why he didn't just pay for it all with his credit card. I know a way to fix that sort of thing.

Okay, I have no more jokes for you today. How about you come back tomorrow and see what we've got? In the meantime, you can tell your friends and amaze them with your coolness. I'm sure that's exactly what will happen.

Till then, have a great day!

Friday, May 13, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Steven Tyler Perry

Bristol Palin admits her recent change in appearance was due to a procedure — but not plastic surgery. The 20-year-old daughter of Sarah Palin tells Us Weekly that she underwent corrective jaw surgery in December. Her face now appears thinner, with higher cheekbones and an angular jaw. She says she will soon be getting "corrective" breast implants.

Speaking of a vain generation, a newspaper in Atlanta reported the rise of teens using Botox before events like prom and senior pictures. Maybe that's why every date I got in high school was numb, expensive and incapable of showing emotion.

The adult sons of Osama bin Laden have lashed out at the United States, saying it violated the law by killing an unarmed man and saying he should have been tried like Saddam Hussein. If he wanted a trial, didn’t he have 10 years to surrender? Hey guys, it's best if you just let this one go.

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was awarded Australia's Peace Prize. He can now add that to his list of achievements, along with publishing top-secret diplomatic documents and allegations of sex crimes. He truly is a renaissance man.

Before sentencing a former school bus driver to prison for molesting young boys, the judge ridiculed the defendant for claiming to be a heterosexual. Saying, “I think you were born gayer than a sweet smelling jock strap.” Wow, judge, you might not be the only one pretending to be straight.

The floods in Tennessee are starting to recede. The Mississippi River crested at 48 feet, six times it's normal width, but not to worry, it was mostly water weight.

A pre-dawn fire caused heavy damage at a historic public school in Detroit. It took hours for students and faculty to notice the damages.

After a report about California's air quality, the Golden State is enacting stricter tailpipe laws. No word yet on where the Mormon's stand in what gays will have to do with their tailpipes.

After years of struggling with his sexuality, Chaz Bono (born Chastity Bono, the daughter of Cher and Sonny Bono) finally opened up about his transition from female to male on the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah then revealed that all the audience members will get a free sex change operation!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 12, 2011

Goodness, goodness. It's Thursday, which means I'm all out of banter. But I've got eight more jokes before I bid you abiento.

So, Osama Bin Laden is still dead, which means, among other things, Al Qaida is without a leader. Yeah, it's very sad. There's a rumor now going around that they may not name a new leader to take Bin Laden's place. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said "aw, come on. You're no fun. What's the point of having all these guns... oh, nevermind."
Yesterday, former congressman Newt Gingrich announced he will be running for President in 2012. First on his agenda: building a time machine to go back to 1995, when he was still relevant.
Speaking of totally relevant politicians, Senator John Kerry is heading to Pakistan to calm diplomatic tensions with the United States. His plan is to speak for several minutes publicly in Islamabad, at which point it is assumed that the entire country will be too bored to cause any trouble.
This week in sporting news, Qatar was accused of bribing jurors who evaluated their bid for the 2022 World Cup. A representative from the royal family said "oh, is that not a thing we're supposed to do? So sorry! Here, have some bars of gold."
Elsewhere in the Middle East, Iran delayed an espionage trial for three American hikers. Apparently it's harder to manufacture evidence than they thought. Right, NASA?
At the Kansas City airport recently, a TSA screening agent gave a full pat down to a baby. Now, I'm all for safety, but if a baby is able to hijack a plane, then I think the baby gets to keep it.
Google announced this week that their Android operating system is being used to control actual robots. So, just be careful how you use that search function, and make sure you don't accidentally hit "search and destroy." Also, I can't wait for a robot in my house that constantly spews out targeted advertising any time I ask it a question.
And lastly, the great state of Florida outlawed bestiality this year. Kudos, Florida, for taking such a tough stand. However, and you might have heard this, the law is written to ban all sex with animals. Why is this a big deal? Well, humans are animals. That's one thing I remember from Biology class. So now, anyone who wants to get their freak on had best find a Google robot. Seriously, though, anyone fixing this law will first have to come out *against* the anti-bestiality legislation. So, good luck, Florida. Looks like you've screwed yourselves, which is, it turns out, illegal... oh well. I hear Georgia's nice.
A'ight, that's all you get from me this week. Stick around for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll see you next week! Tell your friends all about us, and have a great day!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 11, 2011

It's already Wednesday, and I'm still excited about my new boxer shorts. And just so you know, I'm open to the possibility of a celebrity endorsement deal, despite my lack of celebrity. I guess what I'm saying is, I want to be an underwear model. That's normal, right? Okay, enough of my banter.

There was big news in the Internet yesterday. Microsoft bought Skype for $8.5 billion, making it by far the most expensive cell phone plan in history. Already, Steve Ballmer is planning to work his Zune magic on the popular service, saying in a conference call "this thing doesn't crash nearly often enough! And where are the viruses?!" See, he makes odd choices with new products sometimes. Maybe he'll spend seven years trying to make Skype compatible with the Kin.

Speaking of kin, former royal person Sarah Ferguson said she felt snubbed when she didn't get an invitation to the royal wedding last week. "Seriously," she said, "who do you have to bone to get an invitation to that thing? Oh, right. Anybody else available?" Serious inquiries only, fellas... and ladies.

Speaking of competition, The Voice is bringing former television network NBC some great ratings this season. The main reason for its success? Jeff Zucker hasn't heard about it yet. Boom! He's the Steve Ballmer of television. Okay.

In sadder news, former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are splitting up after 25 years of marriage. My heart goes out to them both, and this is a terribly sad occasion. And although she's too classy to admit it, I bet this is because of that stupid cameo he did in The Expendables. I mean, come on, bad things deserve to happen to a guy who does something like that. Oh, and lending his likeness to Terminator: Salvation! He did that, right? I don't know, I didn't see it. Regardless, the point is, the man is a monster.

Speaking of monsters, party officials in North Korea are ramping up agricultural production... of heroin. That's right. Heroin. It makes a certain kind of sense, considering the entire country is so starving that they all look like heroin addicts. Actually, it's probably part of their secret plan: "Operation Batshit Crazy." Next up, we'll probably hear that Kim Jong Il was crushed underneath a horse wearing Victoria's Secret lingerie. I can't wait to hear the McLaughlin Group discuss that one.

In other international news, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was digitally removed from a photograph of the White House staff when the photo ran in a Hasidic newspaper this week. Hey, good job fighting the "they control the media" stereotype, guys. (ha ha, just kidding, you mensches)

In other bigotry news, former (thankfully) Senator Rick Santorum won a GOP presidential poll in South Carolina this weekend. One local pundit explained the win by saying "he's about the caliber of politician we're used to in South Carolina. Heck, he's awful enough to be our governor."

And lastly, a recent national poll revealed that more than half of Republican voters are unsure that President Obama was born in America, despite the fact that he was clearly born in America. Over fifty percent of Republican voters... Fortunately, they're still American voters, so they probably don't vote. Patrick Henry must feel like a total tool right about now.

Okay, that's it for the blog, but we've got a great day planned for you, and we'll be making fun of it tomorrow. Did you tell your friends? You should, they've got too much time on their hands. Anyway, we'll see you tomorrow. Have a great day until then!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 10, 2011

Welcome to your Tuesday! Thanks for stopping by. This is a big week for fashion. I don't know if you heard about this or not, but I bought some new boxer shorts. Yeah, I don't want to say my old boxers were out-dated, but they still thought Lewinsky jokes were funny. Yep, they're mad we boycotted the 1980 Olympics. We did that, right? Why am I talking about my underwear so much? Let's get into it, okay? If you still want to hear about my drawers later, we can work something out.

Speaking of working things out, Pakistan has taken custody of Osama Bin Laden's many widows, and won't allow any representatives from the United States to speak with them. I think it's less about politics and national security, and more that Pakistan is worried that we'll put them all on next season of the Real Housewives. Pretty sure Bravo would do that if they had the chance.

How about this one, did you guys see this? The space shuttle Endeavor has had its final launch delayed once again. Apparently it's getting harder and harder for NASA to find computer animators with security clearance. 'Cause the spaceflights are faked. That's the point of that one. Okay...

In other fake reality news, Bristol Palin announced yesterday that she's getting her own reality show on the Biography channel. She put out a statement about it, actually, where she said "I feel so blessed to have yet another opportunity to be a star, for no reason whatsoever. And remember, kids, none of this would have been possible if I didn't have awful taste in men and an even worse understanding of contraceptives. So go on, chase your dreams, and don't forget to make terrible decisions! I'm sure it will work out just as well for you!"

Good for her, right? But too bad about Phil Jackson. You all saw this, right? After the Lakers got swept out of the playoffs by the Dallas Mavericks, of all teams, he announced he was retiring. Apparently he was concerned that the team might somehow succeed in being even more embarrassing next year, so he had to get out. My school's football coach did the same thing.

Mel Gibson, on the other hand, has no idea when to quit. His new movie, Beaver, bombed at the box office this weekend. Critics are panning the film, saying it has no likeable characters, poor performances and a three-horned sigil of doom from the Elders of Zion, who have declared the movie a failure. Better luck next time, Mel. Actually, no; I hope you have worse luck.

Back in the United Kingdom, the birthplace of class, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, whom we all love, is testifying in a bribery case, where he stands accused of paying UK lawyer David Mills for false testimony. The incredulous Berlusconi reportedly said "I can't believe this, I'm in a courtroom and no one's talking about my penis! Come on, someone has to mention it, right? It's getting weird, let's just talk about it and get it out of the way. Would it help if I pulled it out? Where's that new Duchess I've heard so muchess about? Ha! You see what I did?" He's a cartoon character. From a slutty cartoon.

Speaking of sluts, a movement recently started in Toronto called "Slutwalks." Calm down. It's an international women's rights movement that started after the Toronto Police Department said that women should avoid "dressing like sluts" to cut down on sex crimes. For some reason, this didn't sit well with the city's women, who have taken to the streets to demand their right to dress like sluts. That's what it's about, right? I tried to read some stories about it today, but I kept getting distracted by the pictures.

And lastly, another easily distracted person, Ms. Paula Abdul, just announced she will be joining Simon Cowell on the new American version of X Factor, proving once and for all that nobody wants to work with Randy. Seriously, that guy must be putting out some serious jerk vibes. Maybe he kept hogging all the painkillers and ridiculously tight black t-shirts.

Alright, that's it for now. You're going to have to get through the rest of your day without any more jokes from me, unless I post some on my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/sooneresth. You might check it and see! Or else wait until tomorrow.

Until then, have a great day!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - May 9, 2012

Happy Monday! Did I say happy? Oh well. Positive attitude, right? Also: jokes.

Anyone who drives in cities knows what a problem parking is, right? Well, in San Francisco, a new smartphone app went online this week that shows drivers where they can find open parking spaces nearby. Not only that, it also automatically calls paramedics when you hit a pedestrian while you're looking down at your phone. That's pretty handy.

Big weekend for movies, too. Thor hit theaters, and at a screening in Glendale, a group of 24 men dressed as vikings invaded the theater, surprising the audience with their hilarious Viking hijinks. The entire audience signed up for Capital One cards. Across the hall, the touring company of Cats was hard at work ruining African Cats and bringing trauma to a theater full of children.

In other animal news, 20-1 longshot horse "Animal Kingdom" won the the Kentucky Derby as well as a one week reprieve from Purina Mills. The unlikely winner, and the massive payout that followed, gave hope to a whole generation of gambling addicts. Kudos!

In Bin Laden news, Osama Bin Laden is still dead, and we've got hours and hours of videos recovered from his compound. In response to that news, America's Funniest Home Movies issued a Freedom of Information Act request to release the tapes just on the off chance that the B-roll includes a Bin Laden nut shot. I'd watch that. Repeatedly. In fact, if such a nut shot doesn't exist, the CIA should fabricate one. Wouldn't be the worst thing they've done.

In Catholic news, a leading Catholic magazine this weekend called on the new Archbishop of Wales to learn to speak, read and write in Welsh. Come on, leave the guy alone. He's already spent years learning one worthless language.

In Oklahoma, a man recently caught his wife on tape via hidden camera... setting fires on their property. Not exactly the hot solo action he was hoping for, I'm sure.

In Staten Island, New York, the governing board for a condominium building is blocking attempts to build a wheelchair lift for a young girl with cerebral palsy who lives there with her parents. They want the wheelchair lift to go in the back of the building, rather than the front. Good news, though, if they can't come to an agreement, her parents could always just sell the condo and move on. I happen to know of a woman in Oklahoma who's probably looking for a new place.

And finally, today, word came out that Sir Paul McCartney will be marrying again. This will be the third time for the former Beatle. When asked why he would rush back into matrimony again, he said "well, I've got all this extra money lying around." Better sign a pre-nup, Sir Paul. Remember, last time you lost an arm and a leg.

Okay, that's all for today. Come back tomorrow, I dare you!

In the meantime, have a great day, everyone!

Earnest's Weekend Monologue -May 8, 2011

What a week, right? If you’re still waiting for the President to release the death photos of Osama Bin Laden, you can stop waiting. They aren’t releasing them. But if you’re THAT interested in them, you can call a number, and for $3.99 a minute, you can listen to a woman breathlessly describe them in great detail. OK, so you can’t really do that… yet. I’m shopping it around.

Sony’s Playstation Network is still down. It’s been offline since late April. Videogamers are irate at how Sony has handled the situation, but there’s a lot that has been learned from this. NBC, for example, has taken its network offline until it figures out how to fix whatever is wrong with it.

According to a new study, Detroit has a shocking 47% illiteracy rate. 53% of the citizens of Detroit were shocked by the results of that study.

Apparently George Bush has felt snubbed by President Obama as Obama completes a “victory lap” media tour following the assassination of Osama bin Laden. It wouldn’t be that bad except Bush had gotten his flight suit dry cleaned, and now he has nowhere to wear it.

Meanwhile, Cheney is trying to decide whether to get a heart transplant. Typically he likes to drain them entirely of their life force before moving on to the next one, so he feels like it’s still a little early. Also, as per his deal with the devil, he has to spend four years in government each time he extends his lifespan, so that’s also giving him pause.

A German mayor rescued a man who had gotten trapped in a women’s prison. Said the man who’d been trapped, “STOP RESCUING ME!” At the prison, apparently, the gate was wide open allowing the man to go right in… or at least that’s what she said. Honestly? The gate was wide open? Do you really want to put criminals on the honor system? “If you’re going to leave the jail, make sure you leave a note and let someone know where you’re going, OK? Like Marie. She let her bunkmate know she was going to rob the Blumberg house, so none of us got worried.”

Happy Mother’s Day! Come back the rest of the week for Spence and Seth!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Suck it Al Qaeda

Another week has come and gone. I hope you were able to keep your blind rage in check this week. If not, I'm going to have to ask for your 7-day chip back.

A group of pacifist Christians are saying that shooting an unarmed Bin Laden was wrong. Hey, Christians, remember not so long ago when you killed a bunch of people for no reason? Judge not lest ye be judged... or something like that.

A new study shows the the world population will reach 10 billion by 2100, with concerns that our planet can't sustain that population. Seal Team 6, your next target is Kate Gosselin.

Osama bin Laden apologized to his children for neglecting them and instructed them not to join al Qaeda. Bin Laden had a four page paper apologizing and instructing his children. His kids responded positively to the note, except for Osteven bin Segal, that kid is a loose cannon.

It was one of the most embarrassing details about the Osama bin Laden raid: the supposedly ascetic Bin Laden was hiding out not in a cave but in a million-dollar mansion. But local real-estate experts say that figure was wildly exaggerated. Instead, the somewhat ramshackle property is worth no more than $250,000, they say. "No swimming pool. This is not a posh area. We call it a middling area,” Abbottabad property dealer Muhammad Anwar said. Well, of course the value plummeted, we all know how hard it is to get blood stains out of carpet.

The Pakistani government said Tuesday that the raid that killed Osama bin Laden was an “unauthorized unilateral action” by the U.S. and warned that “such an event shall not serve as a future precedent for any state, including the United States.” To which Obama replied, "Oh Pakistan, you're cute."

After all he’s done for Israel! Mike Huckabee is being criticized for comparing American debt to the Holocaust. Huckabee's plan to get America out of debt, spray it with Mustard Gas.

The wife of Osama bin Laden who was injured in the raid that killed him, reportedly told Pakistani interrogators that she hadn’t left the compound for five years. She sounds like a great Baptist woman.

Hungary is trying a 97-year-old man who was listed as the world’s most wanted Nazi war crimes suspect. Jeez, I thought 10 years for Bin Laden was a long time.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has agreed to his first post-politics film role: He will star in Cry Macho, a film about a horse trainer hired to kidnap a 9-year-old boy. The film is already in huge debt, but to solve the problem, Schwarzenegger is laying off the rest of California's teachers.

That's it for this week. Sorry the jokes were a little Bin Laden heavy. I love you all. Kisses.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 5, 2011

Hot damn! Is it Friday? No, it's Thursday. Rope it in a bit. But not too much, because it's CINCO DE MAYO! If you can, you should go to Taco Mayo today. And then don't make any plans for tomorrow. Okay, prepare to be amused.

In sporting news, ESPN signed an agreement to boost its coverage of the World Series of Poker, unless the NFL lockout gets called off, of course. Because poker isn't a sport. It's a rule, people: if counting is more helpful than steroids, it's not a sport.

Remember Chef Boyardee? Well, his niece is writing a cookbook this year. Spoiler alert: every recipe begins with "find a can opener" and ends with "be disappointed."

According to a recent poll, 60% of American voters would not vote for Sarah Palin or Donald Trump in a presidential race, under any circumstances. The most common reason given by voters: "I'm not an idiot."

In legal news, the US Department of Justice asked the NCAA for information on how the Bowl Championship Series works. Said an NCAA spokesman, "uh, we actually aren't sure. There's probably some math, and favoritism. STATISTICS! Not favoritism, ha ha ha. Please don't print that." Also, it's a bad week to be annoying President Obama.

In other non-sport news, protesters are trying to get Donald Trump removed from the Indy 500 pace car. I don't know. It seems like a natural fit to me. After all, they both spend their time going around in circles, making lots of noise but never really getting anywhere.

In romantic news, Marie Osmond remarried her first husband this weekend. After the ceremony, she reportedly said "wait, I did what? Oh, for cryin' out loud."

Pre-production is getting underway for the next James Bond film, and producers are seeking product placement agreements. There's a rumor that they may sell Donald Trump the role of the egomaniacal villain. A representative for the producers said "It would save us a lot of money on scriptwriting costs. Turns out he's really good at chewing scenery and ad-libing insane, evil nonsense." But then again, they'll probably just have to give it to Jay Leno.

And lastly, L.A. Clippers power forward Blake Griffin was unanimously voted NBA's Rookie of the Year yesterday. Upon learning the news, the 22-year old phenom said "I'd like to thank my team..." before staring off into the distance for just a moment and wistfully repeating "my team. Yeah. The L.A. Clippers. I'm a lucky guy..."

That's all for me this week! I'll be at Clam Broth House tomorrow night in Hoboken, so you should come see me. You should also come back for Spencer and Earnest this weekend for more laughs. 

Congratulations to Blake Griffin, who is far more gracious than I've made him out to be, and I hope you all have a series of great days until next we meet!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 4, 2011

Welcome to Wednesday, the day that's spelled like it doesn't sound. What a dumb day. Let's pretend it's Whensday. That sounds better, right? Oh, who cares. We've got jokes!

In political news, Rick Santorum formed a Presidential exploratory committee for 2012. Already they've determined his biggest obstacle will be overcoming the fact that he's a total tool.

In other shitty idea news, Jerry Spring announced he's going to take on Donald Trump and run for President. Someone needs to explain to both of these guys the pay cut they're in for. Oh, and also that they're both horribly unqualified for the job.

On Broadway, the new musical from Matt Stone and Trey Parker, The Book of Mormon, leads this season's Tony Awards with 14 nominations for songs which can never be played on network television. Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, despite not officially opening, picked up special nominations for most dangerous play and stupidest name.

Archaeologists and astronomers reported this week that the Mayan calendar, and its "prediction" of an impending apocalypse, may be off by 50 years or more. Also, it may be completely made up.

In California, former comedian Andy Dick got arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct at a Marie Calendar restaurant in a clear sign his career isn't completely over. It couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

In Washington, a statue of President Gerald Ford was unveiled at the Capitol building. It promptly fell over. We miss you, Gerry.

In other political news, Prince Charles in in America on and official visit, for some reason. He's not getting married, so no one really cares.

And lastly, YouTube is preparing to offer premium movie rentals, which will face stiff competition from the pirated versions that have already been uploaded.

That's all. Hope you enjoyed it! Tell your friends, and come see us again tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 3, 2011

Did anyone see the end of The Apprentice on Sunday? No? Okay, that's what usually happens. So, now how about some jokes about a dead a-hole and his stupid friends?

U.S. forces successfully killed Osama Bin Laden on Sunday in Pakistan, along with three other members of Al Qaeda. For those wishing to send their condolences, in lieu of flowers, please register for a terrorist watch list.

Speaking of watch lists, Aymin Al Zawahiri is likely to take Bin Laden's place as the head of Al Qaeda, although there is a very small chance that Jeff Zucker will make them take Jay Leno.

Upon learning of Bin Laden's death, Bobby Brown came out of hiding. Welcome back, Mr. Brown. We've missed you. (Bin Laden apparently had a huge crush on Whitney Houston and reportedly tried to have Bobby killed. That's why that joke is funny. Okay, carry on.)

In the city of Abbottabad, where the military raid took place, a local resident unwittingly live-blogged the events of the raid from his nearby home, putting it on par with the Golden Globes.

In technology news, Internet providers took a hit Sunday night after rumors first started to spread about Bin Laden's death. Internet use spiked around the world, causing the worst strain on service providers seen since the first time Britney Spears "forgot" to wear underpants.

In Rome, a representative from the Vatican issued a statement saying that Bin Laden will have to answer to God for his actions. According to the spokesman, "anyone who uses religion to spread intolerance or incite violence will eventually have to face God's judgment... hey, could you please stop throwing history books at me?"

At a Mets-Phillies game Sunday night, fans interrupted the game with cheers of "USA! USA!" before switching back to the only other point upon which they both agree, "YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK!"

Lastly in movie news, director Kathryn Bigelow may have to rewrite her new film about a fictional killing of Osama Bin Laden, now that it has actually happened. The famed filmmaker also announced the tentative title of her next film "The Economy Rebounds, We all Get Good Jobs and Everyone at Goldman Sachs Goes to Prison." Keep your fingers crossed.

That's it. Let's see what happens tomorrow.

Hope you enjoyed these and passed them on to your friends or anyone else you want to impress with how cool you are.

Have a great day!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - May 2, 2011

Happy Monday! Do you smell something roasting? You probably will in about 30 seconds.

In television news news, sources at The Today Show report that Ann Curry may be taking over Meredith Viera's spot, although there is about an 80% chance that Jeff Zucker will make them give it to Jay Leno.

In romantic news, Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn publicly confirmed that they are in a relationship. They previously announced it on an episode of The Tonight Show, but since no one saw, they felt they needed to announce again.

In videogame news, a surprising number of Sony Playstation Network users are sticking with the company, even after their credit card numbers and email addresses were stolen by hackers last month. One consumer explained "we can forgive them; after all, it's not like they cancelled Conan O'Brien."

In movie news, Fast Five brought in $83Million this weekend, making it number one at the box office. Despite the success of the film, distributor Universal is demanding that the next installment star Jay Leno and his collection of old cars.

In political news, prominent Democrats are denouncing the destructive Obama-bashing going on in the press. Instead, they're calling for the sort of unity the country found last year when we were all bashing Jay Leno.

In sports news, Celtics star Paul Pierce was ejected from game one of the Celtics/Heat playoff series. Jay Leno immediately started campaigning to replace him.

In religious news, 1.5 Million people came from all over the world to watch the beatification of Pope John Paul II this weekend, proving once again that people would rather watch a dead guy than Jay Leno.

And finally, in legal news, Lindsay Lohan said this weekend she wants to put the stolen necklace case behind her. The troubled starlet said she'll do anything, "even go back on The Tonight Show again."

That's all for now. Hope you enjoyed this utterly unprovoked roast. Maybe we'll do it again sometime. Come back tomorrow, and tell your friends! Unless you're friends with Jay Leno.

Have a great day!

Earnest's Weekend Monologue -May 1, 2011

President Obama went to Alabama to survey the destruction caused by the recent outbreak of tornados. At the same time, a group of Alabamans were sent to look at the President's domestic policy. They arrived at pretty much the same conclusion. Totalled.

Sony is trying to lure users of its Playstation Network back to the service after losing all 77 million of its users credit card numbers and email addresses. Their offering a free month of Playstation Plus and a free month of Qriocity, their music service. That's about 20 bucks, which is actually about what my personal information is actually worth, anyway, so you've got a deal, Sony. The hackers' offer is actually much better. Their offering 10 credit card numbers and 1 new identity to new users brave enough to share their credit card information with Sony now.

The Royal Wedding happened this week after months of buildup. It had everything I look for in a wedding: I wasn't invited and didn't have to get a gift. Perfect.

The American Lung Association came out with a report that claims Los Angeles has the "Worst Air Pollution in the United States." Frankly, I think we have the best air pollution in the US.

Pope Ratzinger is beatifying Pope John Paul II's body today. Beatify means to have sex with, right? Is that wrong? I'm not Catholic, so I have to make wild assumptions that are based on unflattering stereotypes. Actually, I looked it up, and I learned beatify means "to bless the body"... before having sex with it. It's the third step toward becoming a saint. The first step is to die, so as a career path, it definitely has its drawbacks.

Osama Bin Laden is dead. Man, Obama keeps giving the Republicans everything they want. I will lose it if people start demanding to see Osama's death certificate.

Don't forget to come back the rest of the week for Seth and Spencer!