Monday, February 28, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 1, 2011

Happy Tuesday, everybody. I've got some jokes for you.

In Libya, sources close to the robe-loving madman-in-chief confirm that Col. Gadhaffi has sent his "voluptuous, blond, Ukranian nurse" out of the country. I wonder if there was a Casablanca moment at the airstrip, when Gadhaffi said "if you don't get on that plane, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but definitely within a week, 'cause these guys are going to kill us all. Ten days, tops. Am I right? Yeah, we're gonna get executed. Seriously, you should go."

Afterward, Col. Gadhaffi responded to the violent revolt in his country by going on and demanding a raise. In Tunisia, the interim Prime Minister and members of the cabinet resigned, saying "come on, let's not kid ourselves."

In America, Justin Bieber got a haircut after someone told him he was starting to look like Justin Bieber. Some of his hair is being auctioned off on eBay, in what is clearly the beginning of an episode of To Catch a Predator: ALL GIRLS EDITION!

In "entertainment" news, the Oscars happened. In Berlin, a cross-eyed opossum named Heidi correctly picked every award-winner, except for Best Picture, which Heidi gave to 127 Hours. Really? 127 Hours as best picture? That is one dumbass opossum.

On the other hand, a cross-eyed opossum randomly picking the winners only differed from the Academy's "carefully considered" choices once. Once! Does that mean we can finally do away with all the voting and just let a hideous, filthy beast pick the winners? No, that wasn't a Bruce Vilanch joke.

A recently released FBI memo from 1961 indicates that Ted Kennedy attempted to rent out an entire brothel when he visited Chile, which is ridiculous because everyone knows it's so much cheaper in the long run to buy, not rent, especially for "high volume" customers. Please note: Charlie Sheen did not appear in this joke. But he probably would have been in that brothel.

In other news, 20 tons of mayonnaise spilled on a Missouri highway, halting traffic in what is being described as the tangiest travel delay in recorded history.

Lastly, Bernie Madoff called the government "a Ponzi scheme" in a recent interview and called financial reform "a joke." He immediately won several GOP Presidential straw polls. Suck it, Huckabee.

That's all for now. There will be more tomorrow, assuming today doesn't wind up dull. Share us on Twitter/Facebook/Buzz/Email, and send over a comment while you're at it. Any topics you want to suggest? Go crazy!

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - February 28, 2011

Alright, let's get February over with.

Chestnust Hill College, a private Catholic school in Pennsylvania, fired an openly gay priest this week for making comments about his homosexuality. A spokesman for the school explained, saying "uh, yes, he was fired because he was openly gay. Duh! We can't have that. We really don't care what he, or any other Church employee, does in his own time, when no one is watching them. But the Church has a certain standard of behavior and repression to maintain, thank you very much."

In a related story, a nun was removed from her order because she was spending too much time on Facebook. "Next time," she said, "I'll stick with Myspace. No way will anyone spend too much time there!" Also, it seems that the Catholic Church has finally got its priorities properly sorted out.

In international news, the United Nations Security Council voted 15-0 to invoke sanctions against Libya. If this doesn't convince Gadaffi to give it up, nothing will.

In happier news, Kelsey Grammer and Kayte Walsh tied the knot this weekend in New York. This is the fourth marriage for Grammer, who said of the event "this wedding was just so much fun! I can't wait until my next one!"

Speaking of breakups, cable news host Kathleen Parker is leaving the CNN show Parker-Spitzer. Sources close to the show indicate that Parker really just underestimated how much she hates Elliott Spitzer.

A recent piece in the New York Times reports that blogs are quickly becoming passe; and that Twitter and Tumblr are cool now. Oh, and newspapers. Newspapers are totally cool, too. Unfortunately, no one read the story, because it was in a newspaper.

A burglar was arrested this week after posting photographs of himself with stolen goods on the original owners' Facebook page. After his arrest, he told the press, "my one mistake was sending proof of the crime and my identity to the victim. Oh, but hindsight is always 20/20, right?

Speaking of 20/20, notable cad Charlie Sheen has reneged on his promise to give his story exclusively to 20/20, and has recorded an interview with NBC. The UN Security Council condemned his actions by a vote of 15-0. That'll show him.

That's all for now. Check back tomorrow to see what happened today. Email us to your friends, post us on Twitter and Facebook (although clearly not Myspace) and as always, share your thoughts via the magic of comments. Thanks!

Earnest's Weekend Monologue - February 27, 2011

What a week it's been... for Charlie Sheen. No, a lot of stuff happened this week-- just most of it happended to Charlie Sheen. In fact, Gaddafi has been glued to his TV screen, trying to keep up with all the Sheen news. Let's see...

Charlie Sheen has a new girlfriend. How does that happen? I think you have to use the opposite of whatever Eharmony is. There’s no algorithm to help you find someone compatible with you-- just mug shots that you rate on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being most likely to ruin your life. There’s also news that Charlie Sheen has spent 790 thousand dollars on cars for porn stars in the last month. That’s 790 thousand dollars more than anyone has spent on porn since the internet was invented.

The Nintendo 3DS went on sale in Japan this week. The Nintendo 3DS allows you to play in 3-D without wearing 3-D glasses. The 3-D experience means it’s like you can see things coming at you while you play-- everything except light poles, newspaper boxes, and other people on the sidewalk.

The Discovery took off for its last flight this this week. According to NASA, they’re going to “really open it up this time and see what that baby can do.”

In other space news, a massive solar storm erupted on the Sun this weekend, ruining no one’s travel plans. Well, almost no one. The guys on Discovery aren’t going to be able to put the top down on this flight.

The Oscars are tonight, which means ten hours of red carpet coverage before the show. I think they should give those reporters who’ve been covering the turmoil in the mid-east a break, let them handle the red carpet, and send the entertainment journalist back to Libya and Tunisia. I can see it now. “... And what are you wearing?” “A TOURNIQUET!”

Don't forget to come back all week for Seth and Spencer's monologues!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Now with Vitriol

Virgins of the world, rejoice! China is building a theme park based on the World of Warcraft videogame, the park is called Joyland, and two of its five sections are “Terrain of Warcraft”. No word yet on why it's called "Joyland," seeing as how the demographic of Warcraft users are morose human slugs.

Starting next year, a federal law will effectively forbid the production of 100-watt incandescent light bulbs, which are so energy inefficient that they are better used as heating elements in Easy-Bake Ovens than as light sources. Well, Hasbro, after nearly half a century of injuring children and occasionally baking things, you'll have to find another way to tell little girls they belong in the kitchen.

An improv comedian and composer named Justin Moran will open his own Spider-Man musical on March 14—the day before Julie Taymor’s troubled Spider-Man production is scheduled to open. Moran says his show, The Spidey Project: With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility, will open at the Peoples Improv Theater in Manhattan. Moran said, "My play will be a trainwreck as well, but only because I'm a hack. You know all those crappy parody movies that come out when something is popular? It'll be like that... only less thought out and with a smaller budget."

Another black eye for the SEC: The agency’s top lawyer, David Becker, and his brothers inherited more than $1.5 million from their mother that she had earned in Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. The trustee overseeing the case, Irving Picard, has demanded Becker return the money. “This is about my parents' investments. I had nothing to do with my parents' investments," Becker tells the New York Post. He is leaving the SEC next week for a private-sector job, no doubt for one of the firms he was supposed to be regulating.

Things are looking up for Ted Williams. The "golden-voiced" homeless man who became a YouTube star and national sensation, has closed a deal to star in his own reality-TV show that will begin shooting in two weeks. Producers say, "The show will be called Second Chances at Life, and will document how Williams went from having a promising radio career to being homeless, to becoming a national treasure, as well as his attempt to rebuild his career and personal life following his recent slip-up." There you have it America, to be a "National Treasure" you just have to be: drunk, belligerent, violent, and homeless. In a related story, Snooki said she is going to start living in her car.

Rahm Emanuel won Tuesday’s mayoral election. “I'm glad all my hard work PAID-OFF.” Emanuel said in his victory speech, as an aide continued to handout checks.

Kanye West, Twitter, and abortion? The rapper sent the following tweet Wednesday night: “an abortion can cost a ballin' nigga up to 50gs maybe a 100. Gold diggin' bitches be getting pregnant on purpose. #STRAPUP my niggas!” He then followed with the tweet with another message to clarify. “It ain’t happen to me but I know people.” Which leads me to believe that the people Kanye knows, don't know where to find an affordable abortion.

The Arizona legislature is preparing new immigration laws that would outlaw illegal immigrants from driving, attending school, and receiving public benefits. Many of these laws openly flout federal laws. Under the law, schools and hospitals would require IDs; illegal immigrants would be barred from all state licenses, including marriage; and landlords would be required to evict entire families if just one illegal immigrant is found to be living with them. What's better than illegal immigrants living in Arizona? Homeless, sick, uneducated illegal immigrants living in Arizona!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - February 24, 2011

Yesterday in Central Falls, Rhode Island, the city fired all of its high school teachers in what sounds suspiciously like the beginning of a raucous teen comedy.

Ford Motors recalled thousands of F-150 trucks over a problem with improperly installed airbags. A spokesman for the company explained, saying, "our trucks aren't supposed to have airbags 'cause our customers don't need 'em! Airbags are for little sissies who drive Chevrolets! Right?! Yeah! Let's go get tanked! Ford tough!"

In a bold show of leadership by omission, the Obama administration will no longer be defending federal laws that ban gay marriage. Congratulations, President Obama, for being lazy enough to finally do the right thing on gay marriage!

Alleged television star and "Real Housewives" participant Countess LuAnn de Lesseps is back in the news for her upcoming appearance on Law and Order: SVU. Ms. de Lesseps said she's excited to be back in scripted television.

A recent software update from Microsoft caused some Windows Mobile devices to stop working entirely. When confronted by angry consumers, Steve Ballmer said "come on, you can't really be surprised."

Christine O'Donnell revealed yesterday that she was invited to join Dancing With The Stars, indicating that America may be out of stars. When asked if she could dance, Ms. O'Donnell replied, "no, but I also can't think in coherent thoughts, and I was almost a Senator. Why not give it a shot?"

Musician/rolemodel Sting said yesterday that he was troubled by the violence in Libya, and worried about the future of the country. Well, that's it. If you've lost Sting, you've lost Libya.

Lastly, a man jumped the barricade during a taping of NBC's Today Show, shouting "I'm God's gift to music!" before being subdued by security guards. It's the most bizarre Today Show moment in recent memory that didn't involve Kathie Lee.

That's it for me. Spencer's here tomorrow and Earnest checks in on Sunday. Tell your friends, share us on Facebook/Twitter/Buzz/CompuServe and let us know what you're thinking!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 23, 2011

Hey, it's Wednesday! Can you believe it? Yeah, it's actually pretty believable considering yesterday was Tuesday. Also believable: we've got some jokes! Let's read 'em!

In political news, Senator Harry Reid wants to ban brothels in his home state of Nevada. Pundits in the state are calling the move "unexpected," and "a major-league cock-block."

In Libya, Colonel Muammar Gaddafi said he will not step down from power and vowed to become a "martyr" for Libya. The statement was met with great support from the people of Libya. Well, at least the "martyr" part.

In legal news, musician and pugilist Chris Brown is asking for his restraining order to be relaxed, allowing him to get closer to ex-girlfriend Rihanna. When asked why, he responded, "oh, no reason in particular. I just don't like being told where I can and can't go, you know? It just makes me so angry! Oh, thinking about it makes me wanna choke someone! Wait, what were we talking about?"

In other Brown news, Senator Scott Brown claimed this week that Lindsay Lohan "can do better and be better," saying the troubled actress could still overcome personal adversity like he did. When asked if he thought she could someday become a senator, he said "oh, sure. Just not a very good one. Clearly."

In non-royal wedding news, Ziona Chana, the 66-year-old leader of an obscure Indian religious sect, has married his 39th wife. When asked why, he explained "there's no religious reason for it, I'm just a huge cock-blocker. NOBODY GETS ANY BUT ME! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Speaking of jerks, professional villain Jesse James is writing a memoir, presumably because he has so much to say. The book will include a foreword from a large piece of human excrement, which will likely be the most thoughtful and well-written part of the entire book.

In Afghanistan, local police forces have started hiring criminals, in one of the clearest possible signals that they've just given up on law enforcement. Either that, or someone in HR started watching The Mod Squad.

Lastly, a new Facebook app allows users to track the relationship status of people they are interested in dating, which will make the whole "stalking" process a lot more efficient. A companion app, however, is in the works which would send reminders to you when your stalker's restraining order is about to expire. Chris Brown called it "a total cock-block."

That's it for today, everyone. I hope you've enjoyed the diversion! If so, tell your friends! Tell them in person or tell them electronically (see below). As always, I cherish your feedback, so sound off if you have anything to say. Remember, it's the Internet, so everyone's voice is valid and important.

See you tomorrow!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 22, 2011

Oh, happy Tuesday to all you people reading this. Perhaps you'd like to hear some jokes?

Former Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbechev criticized Vladimir Putin yesterday, accusing him of "incredible conceit." Putin responded by calling Gorbechev a "national hero," saying "his passing is a great tragedy, and he will be missed. Rest in peace." He then whispered "hint, hint" to a man standing nearby in the shadows.

In other international news, a group of men in Zimbabwe were accused of plotting against President Mugabe and arrested for watching the news. Thankfully we live in a place where that wouldn't happen, because we've all chosen to ignore the news. Also, it's been rumored that the men were actually watching The Jersey Shore but would rather go to prison than admit it.

In business news, Blockbuster Video may be coming out of bankruptcy, thanks to a rumored $209 million buyout. A spokesman for Blockbuster said "yeah, we're as surprised as you are. Whatever happens, don't tell these guys about the Internet!"

An Egyptian couple recently named their baby "Facebook." This actually has less to do with the role played by social networking in the Egyptian revolution, and more to do with the fact that this baby is covered with targeted advertising.

Elsewhere in Egypt, former President Mubarak's assets have been frozen, which explains why he's been spotted recently wearing a shirt that says "I oppressed 18 million people for 30 years and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." Gadaffi said he wouldn't be caught dead in one.

In Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker continues to have trouble with the various unions in the state. He is also worried about the sudden influx of Egyptians immigrating to the area.

In Florida, a mother forced her son to wear a sign announcing his 1.22 GPA to the world. Some people are raising concerns that the child is being humiliated or bullied needlessly, but it turns out he actually has no idea what's going on.

Lastly, 164 drug addicts escaped from a Vietnamese treatment facility this week. They're scheduled to be at Charlie Sheen's place by Friday.

That's it for today! If you liked this, please let your friends know! Repost us on Twitter, Facebook, Google Buzz (whatever it is) or just email us to anyone at all. And please leave some feedback, good or bad, below. Thanks, and have a wonderful Tuesday!

Monday, February 21, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - February 21, 2011

Anybody working today? Anybody pretending to be working today? Yeah, that's more like it. Here's some jokes for you.

This weekend Blake Griffin jumped over a Toyota to land a slam dunk, proving once again that while Toyota's have great resale value and get amazing mileage, they're useless under the net.

In business news, Groupon is looking to expand into China to capitalize on the large numbers of consumers in the population. They're going to be pretty upset when they find out China just outlawed large gatherings of people.

In other upsetting news, the new film version of The Great Gatsby is rumored to be shot in 3D. When asked why, the director explained "this story is an American classic, but we just felt there should be more stuff flying out at the audience."

For her most recent film, producers turned Natalie Portman into a "homely" girl, because apparently they couldn't stomach the idea of hiring an actress who was actually average-looking. "It's just too depressing to think about someone not being pretty," said a source close to the production, adding "what is this supposed to be, theater? British theater?!"

Speaking of British theater, invitations for the upcoming royal wedding went out this weekend. If you didn't get one, it's likely because you're a commoner. A filthy, filthy commoner. Also, you're probably not inbred.

In entertainment news, CNN hired Camille Grammer to provide coverage and commentary on the Oscars this year, presumably because Triumph is still under contract with NBC.

Back in England, an opera recently opened based upon the life and death of Anna Nicole Smith. The author and creator previously turned the life of Jerry Springer into an acclaimed opera. After opening night he reportedly said "I've got a good feeling about Charlie Sheen."

Lastly, Facebook expanded their options for relationship status, adding in civil unions and domestic partnerships. Still missing is the "Relationship? Wow, um, I don't know. Maybe it is. Why what have you heard?"

That's all for now. Hope you have a great week!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Earnest's Weekend Monologue - February 20, 2011

It's President's Day Eve. That's the night when the President makes a list of all the boys and girls who have been naughty and nice and cuts Social Security for all the naughty boys and girls in an attempt to lower our deficit. It's not a very popular holiday.

Protests are now spreading across the mideast. Yes, guys, Justin Bieber lost Best New Artist to Esperanza Spalding. Just get over it, already.

Borders declared bankruptcy this week. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Borders... that’s pretty much why they’re declaring bankruptcy. Borders was one of those bookstores where you could hang out drinking coffee while reading their books for free. That's not to say there wasn't a price to pay. Anyone who sat next to some blowhard talking about film theory knows that.

1900 people invited to the Prince William and Kate Middleton’s Royal Wedding. They’re hoping for 1900 gift cards, getting 1900 gravy boats. 1900 people... or as royalty calls it "a small, intimate get-together." 1900 people... the answer to "What is Arcade Fire?"

Apple announced it was going to take 30% off the top of every subscription made through an Iphone app. So, for instance, if you pay 10 bucks for Netflix on the Iphone, Apple is going to take three bucks, which has developers upset. And yet no outrage over Apple’s insistence on taking their first born? Well, who would complain, really? Apple would take them and make them super stylish and popular. It would be just like being adopted by Brad and Angelina.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Genetically Proven to be Your Father

A bill introduced in the Kansas House would require every newborn in the state to be genetically tested to identify the child’s father. State Rep. Melody McCray Miller, a Democrat from Wichita, says the bill is intended to make sure no Kansans end up on Maury Povich.

Borders, the second-largest bookstore chain in the U.S., filed for bankruptcy protection and will close 200 of its stores, according to the company. A spokesman for Borders said, "Well, apparently all that talk from Republican's about 'protecting our Borders' was shit."

Gay columnist Dan Savage announced a contest to use Senator Rick Santorum’s name as a nasty sexual nickname, which has now become the top search result for anyone who googles the name. As Santorum ponders a run at the White House, that could be a problem as voters start to search for info on the contender. Santorum said, "I'm upset, but am not too worried, most voters just use the internet to stroke their Santorum. Are the kids still saying that?"

Justin Bieber said in an interview with Rolling Stone, "I don't really believe in abortion." Which makes him the world's first misogynist lesbian.

Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour is refusing to condemn a state proposal to honor a former KKK leader and Confederate general with a license plate. "I don't go around denouncing people. That's not going to happen. Well, I denounce Obama, but he is a black asshole."

Sen. Scott Brown revealed on 60 Minutes that he was the victim of child abuse, at the hands of both his stepfather and a camp counselor. "It was terrible," he said, "they made me do awful things with my Santorum."

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - February 17, 2011

Good morning, everyone. Let's get Thursday started, shall we?

In sports news, Florida International University short stop Garret Wittels will be playing this season despite the fact that he is facing charges of sexual assault. Apparently he's confused "college short stop" with "Quarterback for the Steelers."

Google announced it will offer a digital subscription service for newspapers, just like Apple, but will do so at a 10% discount in an attempt to undercut Apple. Industry insiders say this is just the beginning of the battle to see who can lose the most money in newspapers.

In music news, the cast of Glee surpassed Elvis Presley for the most Hot 100 singles. This means that in 30 years we'll be debating whether to put "Skinny Artie" or "Fat Artie" on a postage stamp.

Elsewhere, Kailyn Lowry, one of the stars of Teen Mom 2, crashed her car, sustaining minor injuries. Looks like she's just prone to little accidents.

In legal news, California prison officials are trying to keep prisoners from making unauthorized calls with cell phones, so they gave them all AT&T iPhones.

In the world of education, Washington University is now offering a class in flirting. It's part of their new MRS program.

In retail news, Borders Bookstores is entering bankruptcy reorganization and will be closing 200 of its stores, forcing thousands of its loyal customers to go elsewhere to walk around and not buy any books.

Lastly, the Los Angeles Lakers finalized negotiations for their television coverage plan, which cut free TV completely. When asked to explain the decision, which will leave many of the Lakers' less fortunate fans unable to watch the games, a spokesman for the team said "Poor people? F##k poor people."

Well, that's it for me this week. Come back tomorrow for Friday's with Spencer and Sunday for Earnest's Weekend Edition.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 16, 2011

Let's get it on, people.

The World Bank today issued a statement warning that food prices are rising to "dangerous levels." A spokesman for A&P Grocery stores said "Food prices are rising? THEN WHY ARE WE GOING BANKRUPT?!" In a related story, armed robberies have skyrocketed at Piggly Wiggly stores across the country.

Six Nigerians are going on trial in South Africa for impersonating doctors and endangering the lives of sick people. The men are claiming diplomatic immunity, however, as they are all Princes.

In other legal news, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi will stand trial to face charges that he had sex with an underage prostitute. Upon learning that the trial will be presided over by three female judges, the Prime Minister began violently pinching himself and screaming "WAKE UP! WAKE UP, DAMN YOU!"

In the world of entertainment, Charlie Sheen recently advised people to avoid crack cocaine "unless you can manage it socially." He will be taking that message of crack moderation to elementary schools around the country while production of Two and a Half Men remains on hiatus. Your move, CBS.

January Jones, star of Mad Men, said this week that having paparazzi near her home makes her feel safe, as she knows that someone is always watching her house. In a related story, January Jones has never heard of Princess Diana.

Billy Ray Cyrus said yesterday that the Hannah Montana show destroyed his family. That pain should just about clear his bad karma for releasing "Achey Brakey Heart."

In medical news, a study revealed this week that increasing your fiber consumption can lead to a longer life. On the downside, though, you'll be spending that extra time on the toilet.

Lastly, Charles Manson has retained the legal services of Giovanni Di Stefano, who once represented super-bastards Saddam Hussein, Ali "Chemical Ali" Hassan and Gary Glitter. When asked how he manages to defend these people, Mr. Di Stefano said "I simply remind myself that we all have rights, and no matter what these people have done, they are still not as bad as John Edwards. That guy is a total shit."

That's it for now. Enjoy your hump day, we'll see you again tomorrow!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 15, 2011

Okay, so here are some jokes.

On Jeopardy this week, one of the players is a supercomputer built by IBM with the express purpose of dominating human Jeopardy players. If the company wants to humiliate nerds further, the next version will require a pantsing feature.

In celebrity news, police responded to a break-in at the house of Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi. They found a disoriented young woman in the home, but it turned out to not be Lindsay Lohan.

The Grammys aired on CBS on Sunday, bringing in the audience highest for the show in the last 11 years. However, that number is still a fraction of the number of people downloading illegal copies of "Born This Way" on Sunday night.

Before the Grammys, a local CBS reporter covering the red carpet became briefly disoriented and spoke incoherently on the air. She has since been accused of plagiarism by Glenn Beck.

During the show, Christina Aguilera fell onstage, which was just seven days after she botched the National Anthem at the Super Bowl, which means that someone is totally getting their money's worth out of that gypsy curse.

A medical study revealed that energy drinks are bad for small children. A parallel study of Youtube videos found those same children to be hilarious when given Red Bull.

In sports news, Tiger Woods was fined in Dubai for spitting during a tournament this weekend. Thankfully he apologized quickly, or else his public image could have been seriously damaged. Oh, and he was also spitting on a hooker. I mentioned that, right?

Elsewhere in the Arab world, the Egyptian military has declared martial law, much to the dismay of pro-democracy protesters. When pressed for comment, a spokesman said "we're the military. Martial is the only law we have."

At the CPAC rally this weekend, Rep. Ron Paul won a Presidential straw poll, making him the Esperanza Spalding to Mitt Romney's Justin Bieber. What's that? You didn't get that one? Maybe that's because nobody cares about the Grammys.

Lastly, laughing gas is coming back into use for women giving birth, so we'll soon have lots of stories that begin with "remember when I laughed so hard a person shot out of my vagina?" Thank you, science.

That's it! See you tomorrow!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day. There. You happy?

Speaking of holidays, Egypt just celebrated its version of Groundhog Day. Unfortunately, the groundhog saw its shadow, which means six more weeks of protests. Or it would have, if a certain someone hadn't pussed out.

As protesters left Tahrir Square, they all pledged to stay in contact and get together again some time, maybe with less people shooting at them. So, Detroit's out.

Most importantly, however, Egyptian television can quit airing wall-to-wall coverage of the country falling apart and get back to crappy game shows and soap operas. That's what democracy smells like.

The revolution did turn out well for CNN, though, as the network saw a sudden increase in viewers. A network spokesperson said "yeah, if we want to keep seeing growth, we're going to have to start fomenting rebellion around the world; preferably where Al Jazeera doesn't already have a strong market share."

In Italy, women began their own protests, calling for the removal of Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi. Upon learning of the she-rallies, the Prime Minister raised one eyebrow knowingly and smiled.

From the Internet, police arrested a man this month for attempting to hire a hitman on Facebook. Obviously, he should have gone to Groupon.

In entertainment Mila Kunis, star of the hit film Black Swan, said that she is through with dancing for the rest of her life. She did say that she will make out with other women, though, just as often as she can.

Lastly, Congressman Christopher Lee (R NY; no relation to Sauron), resigned on Friday after Gawker revealed that he was trolling for women on Craigslist. Should have gone to Groupon with Elliot Spitzer. But there is, ultimately, no bad publicity, and the former Congressman is already examining a possible presidential run in 2012. Brett Favre said "He's got my vote."

Alright, that's it. Happy Monday, enjoy the candy and we'll see you tomorrow. And if you feel so moved, email us to your friends to let them know you care. Just not enough to actually contact them for real.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Earnest's Weekend Monologue - February 11, 2011

Well, it will probably be another couple thousand years before Egypt is in the news this much again.

The youth of Egypt were successful this week in getting President Mubarak to step down as leader of the country. They’re jubilant now, but they’re already focused on the future. Their next goal will be getting FX to bring back Terriers.

Speaking of triumphant youths, Chris Brown got his restraining order lifted this week. What that means for him is that he’s allowed to get within 500 feet of radio station programmers and beg for them to play his songs. You may remember Chris Brown as the popular R&B singer who got into a lot of trouble for beating up his girlfriend, Rhianna... or you may not remember him. It’s kind of a toss-up at this point.

Of course, the biggest business story of the week was the sale of the Huffington Post to AOL. Arianna Huffington sold her startup for 330 million dollars and roughly the same number of AOL 7.0 discs. A lot of people don’t realize that AOL has actually transformed itself into a publishing powerhouse over the past couple years. News travels slowly over dial-up.

A number of people came down with a respiratory illness at the Playboy Mansion this week. The most common symptom people reported was trouble moaning. Upon hearing that a bunch of their guests had contracted something but that it was just a respiratory illness, a spokesperson for Playboy said “Whew!” I'm kidding. The spokesman actually ran out of the room to make a doctor's appointment after hearing "contracted something" and never got to "respiratory illness."

That's it. Enjoy your week!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: My Chicken Legs are Crispy

A California man was stabbed by a chicken at a cockfight. He was stabbed in the leg by a bird with a blade attached to its beak. The blade apparently severed a major artery in his right calf. Even chickens know the leg is the best piece of meat.

One of the most famous political prisoners in Egypt’s crisis, Google executive Wael Ghonim, was freed Monday, according to his family. In a related story, Bing is sending it's executives to Egypt.

Bristol Palin just announced that she is working on her memoir, which will be published by HarperCollins. Palin, who had a baby out of wedlock at 18, daughter of Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, and Dancing with the Stars loser, will probably write about those three things. There, I just saved you 26 bucks.

Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark seems to be dead. With barely $10 million on hand and weekly operating costs of $1.2 million. And a source close to the show thinks this is the end of the show’s director, Julie Taymor, as well. “She’s finished,” he writes. “[N]o one will hire her to direct another Broadway musical.” But then again, Broadway types are always dramatic about their predictions.

Former New York Rep. Christopher Lee’s resigned this week after he sent a shirtless photo to a woman he met on Craigslist. A special election will be held to pick his replacement. Requirements to run for the seat: You must be at least 22 years old, live in the voting district, and be a hunky fireman.

Ashlee Simpson, the pop singer, sister of Jessica, and former MTV reality star, has filed for divorce from her husband, Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz, according to TMZ. The songstress cited “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for the split. Simpson is asking for joint legal custody and primary physical custody of their 2-year-old son, as well as spousal and child support. To which Wentz replied, "Spousal AND child support?!? I'm a BASSIST in Fall Out Boy for Christ's sake! We haven't done anything in years!"

Take a look around. Do you have less space than you used to? Probably: The average American worker has just 75 square feet of personal space, down from 90 square feet in 1994. Offices have shrunk for most people as well, down to 96 square feet from 115 square feet in 1994. In a related story, stabbings are WAY up.

A Belgian senator is calling for a “sex strike” to thaw partisan differences that have kept the country’s Dutch-speaking north and French-speaking south from forming a government for eight months. Marleen Temmerman, also a gynecologist, said she got the idea from New York Congressman Christopher Lee's wife. CALLBACK!

That's all. Tell your friends.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - February 10, 2011

So, who likes jokes? Well, we've got some!

A lawsuit was filed in Dallas this week by football fans at the Super Bowl who were denied their seats despite having valid tickets. Tom Brady filed a similar suit after he was not allowed to play in the game, despite the fact that he was clearly Tom Brady.

Scientists hinted that in the future, robots may get their own version of the Internet to help them learn about the world. Obviously, this is just an excuse for ROBOT PORN!

Hundreds of thousands of protesters packed Cairo's Tahrir Square in record numbers, although in all honesty, many of them were just waiting to see a screening of Justin Bieber's new movie.

Still with Egypt, Vice President Suleiman called the widespread demands for President Mubarak's resignation "disrespectful," saying "it's one thing to ask for an end to 30 years of horrible repression, deprivation and intimidation from your government, but it's no excuse for hurting a man's feelings. He may be a strongman, but he's also a sensitiveman!"

Also in Egyptian news, the newly appointed Minister of Antiquities announced that the country's ancient artifacts were safe, despite reports of looting. He said the treasures were safe in part because of upgrades in security but mainly because of THE MUMMY'S CURSE!

It Italy, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is under investigation for possible sex crimes, which he called "disgusting." That condemnation might have more moral authority, though, if it weren't in the fifth paragraph of a letter to Penthouse Forum.

Back in America, Jennifer Lawrence, the oscar-nominated actress from "Winter's Bone," acknowledged her redneck past in an interview this week, where she jokingly talked about being attracted to her brother. Hey, it worked for Angelina Jolie.

Lastly, New York City is considering using its raw sewage as a source of energy. Mayor Bloomberg said, "it's simple logic. You've gotta play to your strengths. And this city is 'strong' with untreated poop." The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles may be forced to relocate to Jersey City.

That's it for me.

Come back tomorrow for Fridays with Spencer and check us out on Sunday for Earnest's Weekend Monologue. And if you liked what you read, pass it along! Thanks!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 9, 2011

Did anyone else think that the National Anthem was handled with greater care and respect at the Puppy Bowl than the Super Bowl? Well, how about some jokes?

Still reeling from a slew of negative reviews from theater critics, the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark suffered another setback this week when it was featured in a new Groupon commercial. That's a tough break, which is also what happened to the limbs of several actors in the production.

In China, fireworks set off to celebrate Chinese New Year caused 194 fires in Beijing. No fatalities were reported, however, which is largely due to the repeated fire safety drills and evacuations encouraged by the Chinese government. Yes, that's a Chinese Fire Drill joke.

A recent study found that Facebook is replacing Craigslist as the go-to website for prostitution, which is good news for people who "LIKE" paying for sex with strangers.

In other Facebook news, Mark Zuckerberg is being stalked on Facebook. At Myspace headquarters, Tom said "boy, I sure am glad I don't have that problem. Zucks to be you! That's funny, right," he asked to an empty room.

In Syria, the government lifted a recent ban on Facebook, which is great news for Syrian prostitutes. The previous ban, which also covered YouTube, had been in place for three years, meaning that Syrians have never seen Auto-Tune The News. We really do take our freedoms for granted.

In celebrity news, Pancho Villa's finger is for sale in Texas pawn shop. The owner of the pawn shop hopes that the notoriety from the finger will stir up business, because if there's one thing you want in your store, it's a bunch of people who are interested in buying old human body parts.

In old musician news, Eddie Van Halen donated his guitar to the Smithsonian. It will be on display alongside his original hip and David Lee Roth's dignity.

Lastly, the Mayor of Detroit nixed plans for a lifesize statue of RoboCop, saying that it would reinforce the idea that Detroit is violent and dangerous. Also reinforcing that idea: rampant violence in Detroit.

Alright, that's it. Thank your for your cooperation.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 8, 2011

NewsCorp announced this week that they are ready to be rid of MySpace, which puts them almost four years behind the rest of America. The announcement is terrible news for fans of Dane Cook and great news for people who hate java.

A fire tore through several warehouses in Rio's carnivale district. Fire marshals investigating the blaze blamed it on the bossa nova. They're not very good at their job.

In Asia, Thai and Cambodian forces have been fighting over an ancient temple while also enjoying some of the most amazing irony in modern history. Kudos, you magnificent, myopic bastards.

In Green Bay, Wisconsin, football fans took to the streets in celebration over the Packers' Super Bowl win. In response, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak refused to step down. Elsewhere, Tom Brady polished his MVP trophy in silence.

In the American south, many conservative Democrats are switching their party affiliation to the Republican party, citing their love for small government and how tired they are of pretending not to be racist.

Japanese sports authorities have called off an upcoming sumo tournament amid a match-fixing scandal. A source close to the story said "these sumo have no honor; they've taken a beautiful sport based around morbidly obese men in diapers slamming their bellies together and made it into something dirty."

Former President George W. Bush canceled a visit to Geneva, supposedly due to the possibility that Swiss authorities would arrest him for crimes against humanity. Usually it just takes a hurricane to keep him out of a city.

Lastly, a company in California recalled over 3,000 lbs of ground beef contaminated with E. coli bacteria. The company told consumers to be wary of any beef that tastes "shitty."

That's it for now. Thanks for reading, hope you tell your friends!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - February 7, 2011

Did anyone else spend last night watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix and forget that the Super Bowl was on? Nope? Just me? Okay. Well, let's have some jokes.

In our top story, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak got some words of support from former Vice President Dick Cheney, who called Mubarak "a good friend." Mubarak responded by assuring the Egyptian people "I have no idea who that is."

Tickets went on sale this weekend for the San Diego Comic Con, and the sudden spike in traffic crashed the company's website. A spokesman for the event said "we're trying like hell, but we just can't seem to find anyone on staff who understands computers! We need geeks, but all we've got are nerds!"

Bank of America announced that it has settled a class action lawsuit over abusive overdraft fees. The bank agreed to a $410 million settlement, although the company may get some of that money back if the checks bounce. Wait, that doesn't make sense.

In Iran, state television has banned all cooking shows that feature foreign recipes and cuisine. Now the Iranian people will never know who won this season of Top Chef. Experts say Tehran will be burning within a week.

In other television news, TNT is extending the final season of The Closer. They're also renaming it The Lingerer. In a shocking and related story, people are still watching The Closer.

Staying with television, Lauren Conrad is still angry at MTV for canceling her show. The reality star was livid, saying "THAT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT!" An MTV spokesman explained, "we've got a new version of Teen Wolf coming this year, so we really don't need any more monsters on the network." MTV, to its credit, is attempting to provide better role models for its younger viewers, which is why they're bringing back Beavis & Butthead.

In other MTV news, The Situation may be leaving the cast of The Jersey Shore. Sources close to the show place the blame on the disruptive influence of his new girlfriend, Yoko Ono.

Lastly, Charlie Sheen said he wants to resume work this month. When asked to clarify his statement, Sheen said "oh, 'work' is my word for 'taking lots of drugs and partying with porn stars.' Sorry for any confusion."

That's it. Back to work, everyone.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Earnest's Weekend Monologue - February 6, 2011

It's been quite a week what with all the upheaval in Egypt and, domestically, my new haircut. ​

Egypt's President Hosni Mubarak is receiving pressure from all sides to step down from his post as President of Egypt. It's made him wistful for the past. He just keeps asking "Whatever happened to the good old days when a person could work one place his whole career until he was ready to retire?​" A spokesman for the President insists "Mubarak wants to leave office, but have you seen the traffic in the streets? There are people everywhere! We're probably just going to hang out here and wait for traffic to get better in a couple hours to a couple decades."

Politics in Egypt are crazy right now, but politics in America are insane. Sarah Palin filed to trademark her name and image this week. She's hoping to get approved in time to market her signature line of school supplies ​and educational materials for Back To School. When it comes to education, go with the name you trust: Sarah Palin. I'm kidding. She's really hoping to market a new Sarah Palin board game. An old man rolls the dice, and then Sarah Palin gets to move all the way to the head of the Republican Party.​

This week Google accused Microsoft's Bing of copying its search results after setting up a search-based sting operation. Microsoft responded by accusing Bing of copying its search results after setting up a search-based sting operation.

Scientists have discovered that dogs are better at smelling Colorectal cancer than blood tests are at finding it. Said the scientists, "Apparently, dogs are exceptionally good at sniffing butts. Who knew?" I guess all these years dogs have been giving each other free cancer screenings. So that explains that, but what are they looking for in your crotch?

And finally Lindsay Lohan is in trouble, again. Honestly. She has 1.6 million followers on Twitter, and I bet half of them are law enforcement. Allegedly, she stole a necklace from a jeweler in Venice Beach. Professionals see this as Lilo "acting out." They say it's a desperate cry for jewelry.​ She's had a hard life. It's hard for kids who grow up in front of the camera... taking mug shots.​

Friday, February 4, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Rights at Conception

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, announced that he is cosponsoring the "Life at Conception Act". The law would declare that a person's life begins at conception, which would guarantee equal protection under the law. Of course, if fetuses had all the rights of a person, it might lead to interpretations that would vastly expand government power. For example, if a pregnant woman smokes or drinks alcohol, or simply eats unhealthily, she could face prosecution for reckless endangerment of a child. Paul clarified this hypocritical stance, saying, "I'm all for small, limited government, but it should be big enough know what is going on in a woman's 'lady parts.'"

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - February 3, 2011

What's more fun than a season full of snow and ice? How about some jokes?

It was Groundhog Day yesterday, and Punxsutawney Phil came out of his hole to predict an early Spring before he unfortunately froze to death in the icy rain.

In entertainment news, reports surfaced this week that television star Tracy Morgan received a kidney from his ex-girlfriend, which is way more impressive than the standard booty call.

Musician Elton John said this week that he's worried about his friend and beard-enthusiast Billy Joel, who he says needs serious rehab. Billy Joel responded by saying that Elton John needs another dead Princess to jump start his career.

In politics, California Governor Jerry Brown compared the state of California to Egypt, which really isn't fair, considering that Egypt isn't bankrupt yet.

The Environmental Protection Agency announced yesterday that they would, for the first time, take steps to limit the amount of the rocket fuel Perchlorate in drinking water supplies. This move comes as part of the Obama administration's new effort to keep people from getting cancer and exploding.

In Japan, thirteen sumo wrestlers are under investigation for fixing fights. In America, that's called "Professional Wrestling."

Farrah Fawcett's famous red swimsuit, worn in her famous pinup poster, went to the Smithsonian this week. It will be displayed alongside the Venus of Malta as the centerpiece in the new "Hall of Masturbation."

Lastly, the website WikiLeaks was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize this week.  In a related story, Perez Hilton was nominated for a Humanitas Award. One pundit noted, "hey, if The Tourist can get nominated for Best Comedy or Musical, then all bets are off."

That's it for me this week.

Spencer Hicks is in tomorrow, and Earnest Pettie will be bringing you some laughter on Sunday. So, thanks for stopping by! Come back soon and tell your friends!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 2, 2011

So, you say you want a revolution? Take your pick. But first, some jokes.

A leaked document from America Online outlined the companies new focus on becoming known as a content provider. The key to the new strategy is reminding people that AOL still exists, perhaps by sending a CD-ROM with information about AOL to every man, woman and child in America.

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak announced that he will step down in September, saying "Yes, I will totally step down. Probably. Anyway, can we all just chill out until then and get back to the repression? By the way, does anyone want to be in my new cabinet? Anyone?"

In medical news, a study found a link between kids who undergo tonsillectomy surgery and future obesity. Must be all the ice cream.

In Los Angeles, a jury deadlocked in a mock trial to determine if the fictional character Hamlet was legally sane when he murdered Polonius. U.S. Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy presided over the trial and offered an 18-page ruling written entirely in iambic pentameter.

Justin Timberlake turned 30 on Monday, which is actually 114 in pop-star years. JC Chavez was unavailable for comment due to the fact that no one knows where he is.

In Dallas, strip clubs are preparing for the Superbowl by hiring an additional 10,000 strippers to accommodate the influx of football fans. No word yet on how many security guards will be hired to protect them from Ben Rothlesberger.

Lazy-eyed Congresswoman Michelle Bachman voiced concern this week that nude photos of herself from airport body scanners would end up on the Internet. Looks like someone thinks pretty highly of herself.

Lastly, in education news, film star James Franco will be teaching a college course on himself. Writer and award-winning megalomaniac Aaron Sorkin voiced his support, saying "I wish I'd thought of that."

That's it.

See you tomorrow! Spread the word!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 1, 2011

Hey, it's February! Oh, wait, this month kinda sucks. Maybe it will be better with some jokes?

In Moscow this week, five hundred protesters gathered to protest against the rule of Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. A visibly irritated Putin confided to aides "I hate these protesters! I wish I could just throw those jerks in a prison somewhere... oh, hey, wait. I can do that! I LOVE ABUSING POWER!"

As protests continued to rage in Egypt, the bond rating agency Moody's cut Egypt debt rating, amid fears that the country will default on its debt. In other news, analysts can find no cause for the anti-American anger brewing in the developing world.

In Cairo, the Egyptian security services ordered the offices of Al Jazeera closed and took the network off the air. Even so, it's still beating CNN.

In other non-American news, a Japanese town was covered in soot and ash from a nearby volcano this weekend, causing breathing and visibility difficulties for confused residents who briefly thought they had woken up in China.

In celebrity news, David Arquette was released from rehab yesterday. He's not cured, though, as it turns out that he was discharged early because the clinic staff just couldn't stand him.

Speaking of rehab, Charlie Sheen is back in one. His popular sitcom has been put on production hiatus, which may end up costing CBS $250million. Who would have guessed that making a raging drug addict the lynchpin of your continued financial success could be such a risky move?

In automotive news, Toyota is recalling 1.7 million cars worldwide, a process they're getting really good at. The cars are being recalled to fix leaking fuel lines, which might have come in handy last year when drivers couldn't get their cars to stop.

In entertainment news, Kim Kardashian is reportedly distraught that W magazine showed a picture of her bare breasts, covered in silver paint. When reminded that a sex tape leaked of her performing oral sex, Ms. Kardashian replied "yeah, but at least I wasn't topless! You can totally see my whole nipple!" Hoping to capitalize on the media attention paid to this story, the E! network has offered a reality show to her right nipple.

That's it. I feel a bit dirty now.

If you liked these 8ish jokes, tell your friends! And don't forget to weigh in on this week's ridiculous poll question and let us know how you're doing.