Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 27, 2011

Welcome to Wednesday, the middle finger of days. How to get through it? Well, compartmentalization helps. And so do jokes. Here's your daily gang of eight.

The new voice of Aflac Insurance was revealed today: Dan McKeague, a 36-year-old father of three from suburban Minneapolis. Congratulations, Dan. You've got some really annoying shoes to fill.

In Houston, a BP oil refinery experienced a power failure and belched out a thick cloud of smog that forced local residents indoors. It's good to see that BP is diversifying their pollution to mess up the land and air now, too.

In Washington, DC, public broadcasters gathered to plan for the future of public broadcasting in America. Unfortunately, they didn't get anything done, as they kept interrupting themselves every five minutes to try and give away tote bags and coffee mugs.

Levi Johnston is writing a tell all book about the Palin family. In it, he reveals how Palin women have incredibly awful taste in men.

A student at the University of Dundee has created a coin-operated robot designed to panhandle for change. The designer said the hardest part was building a machine that could develop an addiction to meth.

Anti-marriage groups in California are fuming that the judge who overturned California's gay marriage ban was gay. They claim that he was unduly influenced by his decades spent being subjected to bigotry and hate speech at the hands of hateful bigots. Said one gay marriage opponent, "as hateful bigots, we never stood a chance."

For some reason, Lollapalooza is still around, and just announced its 20th season lineup. On the bill: people who weren't born when Lollapalooza was still relevant.

And lastly, women in Saudi Arabia are demanding a vote in national elections. King Fahd responded by saying, "sure, why not? Those things are meaningless anyway." Just kidding! They're not going to let the women vote! Don't be silly! Ah, give it up for our partners in the middle east.

And give it up for yourself for making it through the middle of the week. If you're in NYC tonight, come see me at Legion Bar in Brooklyn tonight at 8pm! See you again tomorrow, and have a great day.

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