Things remained generally bad all over this week, but I think we all can agree that Pia's getting voted off American Idol was probably the worst thing that happened. In Libya, they stopped shooting for a moment just to remind each other that if they wanted their favorites to stay, they needed to be sure to call in and text their votes.
Japan has banned planting rice in contaminated soil. The group most likely to be affected by this are the asian restaurants, which had started asking customers if they wanted brown rice or really brown rice... It’s kind of funny to me that the government had to ban planting in irradiated soil. That means there were some farmers out there who were just saying “Let’s see what happens!” All those weird Japanese monster movies and anime should start with a scene of farmers planting rice in contaminated soil with a subtitle “He ate a bad sushi roll.” It would automatically explain everything that happened in the movie. “It’s a pink tentacle that rapes because its insecure at not having been able to grow up as a regular green tentacle thanks to that contaminated rice, man. Keep up. This shizz is happening every day.”
Scientists have recently diagnosed some Egyptian mummies with having clogged arteries. Those mummies are going to need to make some lifestyle and diet changes or.... YOU’RE WASTING OUR TIME, SCIENTISTS! Scientists have also found what they think is a gay caveman. Somewhere there’s a scientific argument raging that sounds like “He’s not gay; he’s just really neat!”
The new Mars Rover is finished and ready to go up in space. You know who’s most likely to appreciate this new Mars Rover model? Martians.
Scientists have recently diagnosed some Egyptian mummies with having clogged arteries. Those mummies are going to need to make some lifestyle and diet changes or.... YOU’RE WASTING OUR TIME, SCIENTISTS! Scientists have also found what they think is a gay caveman. Somewhere there’s a scientific argument raging that sounds like “He’s not gay; he’s just really neat!”
The new Mars Rover is finished and ready to go up in space. You know who’s most likely to appreciate this new Mars Rover model? Martians.
I’m not making this up: Blue Man Group have started their own preschool for their kids. They didn’t feel the other schools in New York were creative enough for their kids. Man. One of the only things worse than being home schooled would be being home schooled by Blue Man Group. The only thing worse than being homeschooled by Blue Man Group is being homeschooled by Blue Man Group at the Blue Man Group school.... Admission is 28,000 dollars, but before you balk at the price, remember that's going to pay for all the blue body paint you and your kids are going to use that year. It’s also the best way to make sure your child gets into the more competitve Blue Man Academies.
We avoided a potential shutdown of the government this weekend with lawmakers agreeing to a spending bill that should keep the lights on for the next couple weeks. If I could give our lawmakers any advice, it would be this: when the creditors start calling, just don’t answer the phone. The Caller ID will say Unknown Caller. There. That should buy you more time.
We avoided a potential shutdown of the government this weekend with lawmakers agreeing to a spending bill that should keep the lights on for the next couple weeks. If I could give our lawmakers any advice, it would be this: when the creditors start calling, just don’t answer the phone. The Caller ID will say Unknown Caller. There. That should buy you more time.
That's it for now. Don't forget to come back all week for more jokes from Seth and Spencer!
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