Joke Number One! The hacker group LulzSec is disbanding after a series of high profile attacks on government and industrial websites. Early reports indicate that one of them started dating Yoko Ono. Did you like how the joke about hackers was itself "hack?" Did anyone...? Oh, this is gonna be a long day.
Speaking of hackers, a 19 year old suspected of hacking into a British police agency "has Asperger's syndrome," according to authorities. So, wait. Is this an inspirational story? I'm confused.
For the third joke, we bring it back to America, where a couple who participated on the television show The Marriage Ref are filing for divorce. The couple blames the show's creator, Jerry Seinfeld, which is ridiculous, because he only breaks up a marriage when he wants to bang one of them.
Also in America, a rare photograph of Billy the Kid sold for $2.3 million. Why so high? Someone started a rumor you could see his junk. DAMN! America loves a junk shot!
Speaking of junk, Florence Henderson revealed recently that she got crabs in the 1970s after a one-night-stand with the Mayor of New York. That sound you just heard was your childhood throwing up.
Speaking of junk, there was some bad news for former stars of MTV's totally unscripted reality series The Hills. Yeah, this week Lauren Conrad and Kyle Howard split up after three years of tolerating each other. Apparently it took them this long to figure out they weren't on television anymore. No word as to Jerry Seinfeld's possible involvement.
In other football news, players from Libya have started defecting to escape the violence of the civil war. After all, if they wanted that kind of chaos and danger, they could just go play with Zlatan Ibrahimović! HA! Take that, Zlatan! Wait, did you not get that one? Oh, just Google him.
Anyway, that's the end of today's funny business. Come back again sometime, huh? Maybe in a day? If you like, you can always tell your friends about all this hilarity. And don't forget to stay hydrated this summer. You'll feel a lot better!
Have a great day!
Most of America just asked, "What's the third reason?"
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