Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 1, 2012

Three... Two... One... JOKE!

Comic book artists Neil Gaiman and Todd McFarlane finally settled a longstanding dispute over royalties from the comic book series Spawn. In a related story, no one is claiming responsibility for anything Rob Leifeld has ever done.

The U.K. Navy sent one of its destroyers to the Falkland Islands this week, which is the most outrageous viral marketing you're likely to see for Iron Lady.

Celebrity chefs from Pakistan and India are set to compete in a reality TV cooking show this season. The secret ingredient: enriched Uranium 235.

In America, Democratic senators are planning to push forward the "Buffett Rule" to raise the tax rate on capital gains and subsidize the sale of cheeseburgers in paradise.

France is honoring Shakira for her contributions to art and culture at Cannes. Seems appropriate considering how those contributions came mainly from her can. Yes. You get a pun today. Don't take it personally.

Bollywood filmmaker Shirish Kunder said he was roughed up at a recent party by actor Shah Rukh Khan. Or, more accurately, he stared into the distance and shouted "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

This clearly isn't my best day.

Twenty five abducted Chinese workers were freed from their captors in the Sudan this week. Said one freed worker, "that was the first vacation I've ever had."

And finally, Mitt Romney won the Florida primary election yesterday. In his victory speech, he thanked his greatest contributor: lowered expectations.

That's the end. Tomorrow brings more stuff. Come see!

Monday, January 30, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 31, 2012

Hey hey! Sorry for the delay. Let's jump right into the funny.

Remember the Spice Girls? They're reuniting to perform for Queen Elizabeth's upcoming jubilee and to remind the nation that the Queen no longer has the power to jail or execute her subjects at will.

In Chicago, a man was arrested for sleeping in a parked SUV surrounded by empty beer cans. After his arrest, he peed on the floor at the police station and then entertained the officers with a rousing bit of air piano. You can see him next season on America's Got Talent.

Glee star Chris Colfer said that the upcoming Michael Jackson tribute episode was traumatic for him, probably because he's the one who got to star in their Pepsi commercial/Atavin mashup.

In North Korea, state media is reporting that new dear leader Kim Jong-Un is receiving "rock star treatment" from the military, which probably means he's been kidnapped from South Korea.

Also in Asia, the Japanese population is projected to drop by one million each year until at least 2060. Although the human/body pillow hybrid population is expected to skyrocket.

In Ohio, Willie Nelson is campaigning for Dennis Kucinich, which is exactly what both of them need to be taken more seriously.

In India, film censors have banned The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo for violent and sexual content, as well as an unacceptably low number of show-stopping song and dance numbers.

And finally, Julian Assange will be on The Simpsons' 500th episode! The story was released by blah blah blah wikileaks.

And that's it! Enjoy your morning, and I'll see you tomorrow!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - January 30, 2012

Happy Monday to you, and a happy birthday to Richard Cheney! He turns 71 years young today, in bold defiance of science and nature. Congratulations! Now why don't you go fuck yourself? Okay, now for some jokes.

In politics, Newt Gingrich is quickly losing ground among Florida voters, probably because they saw him in a Speedo.

Police in Oakland arrested around 300 protesters from Occupy Wall Street, and now Oakland is finally safe.

Speaking of Occupy Wall Street, one of the protesters in Washington, D.C. was tased this weekend near the White House. And to add insult to injury, the taser was made by non-union factory workers overseas.

At the funeral for Etta James, pop star Christina Aguilera sang "At Last," but was drowned out by the sound of Ms. James spinning 'round in her grave.

In more political news, Newt Gingrich received an endorsement from Herman Cain and thus sewed up the crucial mistress vote.

Only six more days until the Super Bowl, and thus six more days for grown men to feel free to talk to each other. Enjoy it while it lasts, guys.

Democratic dissident and activist Aung San Suu Kyi has begun campaigning in her native Burma (or Myanmar) ahead of national elections. Newt Gingrich's Super PAC is already airing attack ads against her.

And finally, NBC is pulling a scheduled episode of Fear Factor that featured donkey semen. The show will be replaced with that episode of Whitney that featured horse shit. Yeah, that could be any of them.

And that's all for today! Later, friends! Have a great day!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - January 26, 2012

Can you believe it's Thursday already? It might not be Thursday when you read this, so that's pretty believable, I guess. Anyway, enjoy these mind-bending bits of... oh, Hell, they're just jokes. Read away!

President Barack Obama delivered his yearly State of the Union address Tuesday night. The program was the highest-rated program on NBC all week.

After Tuesday's State of the Union address, the Republican response, delivered by Governor Mitch Daniels, accused President Obama of making "efforts to divide us," saying that he was co-opting GOP plans to divide the nation.

Michele Bachmann is seeking a fourth term in Congress. And for some reason she's still campaigning in Iowa.

Newt Gingrich is refusing to debate if the audience can't applaud. Seems like Newt just can't escape the clap.

Rick Santorum wants the audience to make noise, too, but that's because he's hoping someone will shout out the answers.

Newt Gingrich announced that he would establish a colony on the moon if he were President. And by "establish a colony on the moon" he means "blast all the poor people into space."

In Arizona, President Obama had a tense conversation with Governor Jan Brewer, presumably over the fact that she's a terrible governor.

And finally, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said yesterday that President Obama wouldn't keep him on if he is reelected this fall. Well, finally Geithner starts making reasonable predictions.

Okay, that's all you get! There will be more Monday! And more tomorrow with Spencer! HOORAY!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 25, 2012

Better late than never? So sorry, but I fell asleep during the State of the Union last night. Had my own American dream. It's normal that I'm now concerned about all of our talking dog jobs being shipped overseas, right? And that those seas are full of sparkling fish-robots, right? That's normal? As per normal, here's some jokes.

Next year, Oscar voting will all be done online. Look for Ron Paul to be a big winner in several categories in 2013.

In Glenview, Illinois, a Lutheran pastor resigned yesterday over his use of "inappropriate language." I'm guessing it was Latin.

At auction, one of Liz Taylor's Dutch master sold for $2million! That must have been one unbelievable cigar.

In Oklahoma, singer Garth Brooks won back $1million he donated to a local hospital that failed to name its new building after his mother. In a related story, Chris Gaines can't afford health insurance.

In London, star of TV's Scrubs, Zach Braff, is making his big theatre debut in the west end. In a related story, the U.K. still considers Braff to be a celebrity. Suckers...

American public school lunches are set to get more vegetables and whole grains, much to the delight of kids who like throwing quality food at the foreign students.

In Los Angeles, the mayor finally signed into law a bill requiring porn actors to use condoms. It's expected that the industry will pull out of Los Angeles.

And finally, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are neck and neck in Florida. The race intensified this week, when Romney announced he was switching to "attack mode," although we need to keep in mind that he's still governed by Asimov's Laws. So, he's not that dangerous.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'll be back real soon. Promise!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 24, 2012

Hey everybody! Anybody self-deported yet? I'm still not sure what that means. Anyway, here's some jokes.

The Disney theme parks are now allowing their park workers to have beards. I was under the impression that people working at the Disney parks had pretty well given up on the idea of having beards at all.

The Chicago Sun-Times announced it will no longer endorse political candidates. In response, readers will no longer pretend to care.

Representative Gabrielle Giffords resigned from Congress yesterday to focus on her rehabilitation. This could be a rough move for her, now that she won't have the Congressional health plan anymore.

British news agency ITV has come under fire for a program they produced on the IRA that actually contains footage recorded from a videogame. This comes on the heels of a similar embarrassing situation regarding a documentary on invaders from space.

In India, a government minister swore off shoes with laces after an embarrassing photo surfaced of his assistant tying his shoelaces for him in public. In a related story, he's also switching to bidets from now on.

Leaders of the Sikh community condemned Jay Leno this weekend. Good.

In Chicago, a group of teens boarded a bus and robbed the driver after first disabling the bus. Apparently they didn't want to wait another ten minutes for the bus to break down on its own.

And finally, filmmaker David Lynch said in an interview last week that he is now "obsessed" with coffee. So that's how you make it through Inland Empire.

Okay, that's the end! I've gotta go self deport now. Till tomorrow!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - January 23, 2012

Anything happen this weekend?

Two Canadian Naval officers have been accused of spilling state secrets recently, leading to suspicions that Canada actually has state secrets. Other than the Weapon X program, of course.

At a speaking event this weekend, Mitt Romney yelled back at hecklers in the audience, telling them to "take a hike." He then asked Geordi LaForge if this is "the human emotion 'anger' I've heard so much about." Because he's a robot. Like Data. From Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Ahead of the South Carolina primary, Mitt Romney described his competition with Newt Gingrich as "neck-and-neck." After his loss, a visibly upset Romney revised it to "neck-and-jowl."

Speaking of the race, Mitt Romney said this weekend that he will release his tax returns after all. Gingrich wasted no time in accusing Romney of "flip-flopping" on the issue.

Famed songwriter Burt Bacharach is writing his memoir, although it will probably do much better when someone else reads it for him.

In Chicago, a priest under investigation for sexual abuse was chastised this weekend for holding Mass while he is prohibited from public ministry. The priest apparently thought he was banned from pubic ministry. Simple mistake.

Star of MTV's The Hills, Kristin Cavallari, is expecting her first child. NBC has already offered the child a development deal. Seriously. They're in some trouble.

And finally, BlackBerry is replacing its CEOs, due to their incompetence. As part of their severance package, they've been given two weeks pay and as many of those stupid BlackBerry Playbooks as they can carry.

And that's the end for now. See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - January 19, 2012

It's Thursday! Let's enjoy some jokes!

Punk rock icon Johnny Ramone's autobiography is coming out this year and will inspire years of shitty knock-off autobiographies.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, facing a recall election this summer, said that the election is "all about union money." He then got back to work, giving a full body massage to the Koch brothers.

Goldman Sachs announced that their profits are down 58% from a year ago. In a related story, PEOPLE ARE STILL GIVING MONEY TO GOLDMAN SACHS!

A study of teenagers online found that more and more young people are sharing their online passwords as a sign of affection. Please, kids, be safe. Save your security questions for marriage. You can never get those back.

Speaking of staying safe, many in Los Angeles' porn industry may leave the city when new regulations go into effect requiring actors to wear condoms. And to Los Angeles, I say let them go. If the industry won't use condoms, it never loved you in the first place. In a related story, 18 year-old runaways hoping to make it in movies will now need to learn how to type.

Singer Sinead O'Connor is in treatment for depression, and we wish her the best of luck. One bit of advice to her doctors: don't let her listen to her albums. Any of them.

Newt Gingrich attacked President Obama as the "food stamp" President, saying "when I'm President, no one will be on food stamps!"

And finally, China will now require Internet users to verify their names before commenting on websites. The move is expected to cut down on government criticism as well as "general dickishness."

And that's all for me! Enjoy Spencer tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday! Till then, have a great weekend!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 18, 2012

It's Wednesday, the day named for weddings. Which now never occur on Wednesdays, making it the most ironic day of the week. Take that, Brooklynsday. You don't believe me? Check it on Wikipedia. Oh, you can't? What a shame. You'll just have to believe me. And read these jokes.

Mitt Romney said yesterday that he pays about a 15% tax rate, or as he calls it, "A Ron Paul." Because Ron Paul is polling at 15% right now. And Mitt Romney's taxes are a joke. Just not a good one.

Speaking of not a good one, Paris Hilton has a second album coming out this year. That's two albums.

Former Playboy Playmate Kendra Wilkinson just endorsed a new nut-based diet. She says it is way better than old-man-penis diet.

Yahoo! co-founder Jerry Yang is resigning, looking forward to getting a Gmail account.

In New Jersey, a woman gave birth to child on the PATH train. Congratulations, kid. Everything in your life will be a step up from here.

Kim Jong Un's older half-brother, Kim Jong Nam, said this week that the new North Korean regime won't last long. "Four, five decades, tops."

In Nepal, a police department is under investigation for running a butcher shop out of their precinct. Do I smell a wacky sitcom? No, that's just cat.

And finally, Tim Tebow will be starting next season for the Denver Broncos. Too bad he's not praying for a cure for cancer.

Fin. Until tomorrow! And until then, have a great f#&@ing day!

Monday, January 16, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 17, 2012

Hey, friends! Let's see what's happening now. Or yesterday, actually.

A new CNN poll reveals that 11% of Americans still approve of the job Congress is doing, which must mean that 11% of Americans are now members of Congress.

Internet shoe seller Zappos.com revealed that their customer database was hacked. So now everyone knows how big your clown-shoes are.

Speaking of the Internet, Wikipedia will go dark for a day to protest proposed anti-piracy laws. Elsewhere on the Internet, protest groups show their displeasure by downloading the latest Twilight movie and as many Adele albums as they possibly can.

A suspect in Georgia successfully smuggled a 10" revolver into prison inside his own rectum. The suspect has been described as a "crack shot."

In Detroit, Kid Rock apologized for smoking a cigar in a non-smoking diner. Patrons at the restaurant accepted his apology on the condition that he stop trying to give them his autograph.

A medical patient in New York was shocked this week by a bill for $45million for various medical treatments. Of course, the bill was sent in error. Yeah, it was actually only $32million.

After a lackluster performance at this year's Golden Globes ceremony, host Ricky Gervais is already working on some horrible things to say about himself at next year's show.

And finally, doctors in India revealed the existence of a drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis, which could pose a worldwide health threat. Not only that, it could lead to more shitty literature like Wuthering Heights.

Okay, that's the end. Have a great day!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - January 16

And another week begins. Here's some jokes to get you by.

The Russian Phobos-Grunt space probe crashed back to Earth shortly after launch this week, indicating that the probe had probably been badmouthing Putin.

Newt Gingrich said this weekend that he will be releasing his tax returns, but not his match.com profile.

Elsewhere in the primary, John Huntsman is hinting that he will drop out of the race. This is a difficult announcement for the campaign to make, but mainly because everyone thinks he dropped out weeks ago.

In Chicago, a driver wearing only his underwear and socks was arrested for DUI after he struck a police car. The crash was featured on both Cops and What Not to Wear.

Egyptian poet laureate Mohamed El Baradei is dropping out of the Egyptian presidential race after finding out he was trailing John Huntsman.

Hulu.com announced a new slate of original programming set to premiere on the site this year. The programs will be available for streaming with commercials, or you can just pirate them.

The New York Giants beat the Green Bay Packers last night, wreaking utter havoc with the New York Giants' office pool.

And finally, HBO is catching some grief over their new Sarah Palin film. The company denies that there is any political agenda behind the film, that's they're just trying to make some money, to which Palin responded "Copycats!"

Okay, that's all! It's too cold to banter! See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - January 12, 2012

No time to waste! JOKES x 8 = BONUS ROUND!

Outgoing Mississippi governor Haley Barbour tried to pardon and release 21 convicted murderers yesterday in the clearest indication yet that Governor Barbour is, in fact, an idiot. Or starting a secret criminal organization...

Speaking of secret criminals, actress Lindsay Lohan reportedly owes $94,000 in federal taxes from 2009. That kind of nasty tax-shock may explain why Lohan recently said she was going to "go party with those tea-baggers."

Actress Kim Novak said this week that she felt "violated" when she learned music from her film Vertigo appeared in The Artist. The screen legend said she hasn't felt this violated since she worked with Alfred Hitchcock.

He was kind of a jerk toward his actresses.

Brand new dad Jay-Z released a brand new song about the birth of daughter, Blue Ivy, starting what may be the most unfair rap-battle of all time

Has anyone checked on Kanye? Betcha he's feeling threatened by the new baby and her ability to out-tantrum him.

The Vatican confirmed that it has lifted biographies for several Cardinals and church officials from Wikipedia pages, which would explain why so many of their top leaders support Ron Paul.

Charlie Sheen recently said in an interview "I'm not crazy any more." He added "I'm also not crazy any less. Just the same amount of crazy. Finally found the level that works for me. Just like a Number Bed."

Egyptian billionaire Naguib Sawiris is facing blasphemy charge for tweeting a picture of Mickey and Minnie Mouse in traditional, conservative Muslim clothing. More importantly, he's facing the wrath of Disney for using Mickey without permission.

And finally, American Idol host Randy Jackson called X-Factor a rip-off of American Idol, saying "we're the original, we kind of invented this whole game that everybody now copied," before adding "British version of what?"

That's all! Spencer's here tomorrow, and I'm back on Monday! I'M POSITIVELY GIDDY WITH ANTICIPATION! Till then, have a great day!

Oh, and if you're going to be in Oklahoma City on February 18th (a SATURDAY!), you really should come see me, BradChad Porter and the amazing Marc Maron! Tickets available at okccomedy.com

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 11, 2012

What's happening in Chicago? Let's see.

It's been unseasonably warm in Chicago this winter, with temperatures routinely in the 50s. Of course, this has caused a rush on extra-strength deodorant and all manner of topical heat rash creams.

Speaking of sweaty messes, Walgreens is opening a new upscale location in downtown Chicago. It will feature 27,000 square feet of retail shopping space, a state-of-the-art clinic, groceries, fresh deli foods, and no more than one pharmacist on duty at any time.

In Springfield, Governor Quinn is taking on pension reform to boost Illinois' credit rating and make sure the state can support the level of graft and embezzlement the taxpayers have come to depend on.

In media news, WMAQ anchor Zoraida Sambolin is leaving for New York. And although she's selling her home, the departing anchor said that "Chicago will always be home," adding under her breath "for tax purposes." Rahm Emanuel has endorsed her move.

In Waukegan, a police officer fell into the lap of a suspect during a routine traffic stop when the suspect attempted to drive away. The officer finally stopped the car and arrested the man for improperly using the carpool lane. The officer was subsequently reprimanded for not wearing his seatbelt.

In other news, Metra sent an apology letter to commuters for delays at Union Station on Monday. As the letters were carried by cars, and not trains, they arrived on time.

In financial news, ShoreBank Corporation just filed for bankruptcy and changed their name to UnShoreBank. Come on, everyone loves a pun.

And finally, Mayor Emanuel accused the Municipal Employees Union of using Chicago libraries as "a bargaining chip" in ongoing contract negotiations, saying that the libraries should instead be used for downloading porn and providing showers to homeless people.

And that's it for now! More jokes tomorrow, everyone! Until then, have a great day, and GO BLACKHAWKS!

Monday, January 9, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 10, 2012

Good Tuesday! Thought I might spice things up today with some consumer criticism, if you don't mind. Mainly because I'm sick of the GOP presidential primaries, and I already wrote most of this earlier today waiting for CVS to get my prescriptions ready. So, if you follow my Twitter or Facebook posts, then this might seem familiar to you. Anyway, let's do this!

First up, The Awesome Book of Bible Answers for Kids! 
No, "evolution" is not one of the answers. But "because you'll go to Hell" is a pretty safe bet.

Next, Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People
Apparently emoticons are an important part. ;-P Also important: Not letting your friends and family see you reading this book.

Facebook for Dummies
Like it's normally a haven for geniuses. Probably if you're having trouble using Facebook, the whole "written language" thing may be beyond you. Also, pretty sure that Facebook for dummies is still Myspace.

"Fifty-two Things Ever New Jerseyan Must Do!"
"Talk way too loudly" shows up 14 times. Also: "never admit that 'New Jerseyan' is not a real word."

Awesome Good Clean Jokes for Kids 
Finally! A gift for that special niece or nephew who is a total loser!

7 Things He'll Never Tell You
 Thing 01: This book is a waste of time and money. Thing 2: I can't believe I'm with the kind of person who reads 7 Things He'll Never Tell You.

 Yes! I was wondering how to combine my love of reference books with text messaging! And it turns out the book has only two tips: "You = U" and "take out all the vowels." There, saved you $4.99 +tax.

And finally, You Can Do It Even If Others Say You Can't
Unless that thing is "dancing." Then you should probably listen to others. Also, don't get this book for President Obama, it'll just make him feel bad about the whole not-fixing-the-economy-or-providing-universal-healthcare-or-ending-the-Afghanistan-war thing.

Okay, hope you enjoyed that. Probably won't do it again, unless you have some ridiculous stuff to send my way. More jokes tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - January 9, 2012

How about that football, huh? Am I right?

In sports, Tim Tebow led the Denver Broncos to playoff victory against the Pittsburgh Steelers, proving once again that God loves Tim Tebow more than rape.

Filmmaker Tom Hanks announced that his new Web series will be available for streaming on Yahoo.com. It's part of a plan to make sure as few people see it as possible (NBC was not available, apparently).

The New York City Opera is now on a lockout, just like the NBA experienced recently except for who gives a shit about the opera?

Think you hate America? Think again. MTV announced they would be airing the reality program Caged, about cage fighting. It's like Fight Club, except the acting is far worse.

Speaking of movies, the people behind the Oscars are now proposing that documentaries must be reviewed by New York Times or Los Angeles Times in order to be eligible for an Academy Award. Said one organizer, "we're just so sick of watching documentaries."

Keifer Sutherland was out promoting his new program, Touch, and said that it was not an effort to bury Jack Bauer, which is good news because we'd all hate to see Keifer Sutherland get murdered by Jack Bauer.

In celebrity wedding news, Sinead O'Connor said this weekend that she is actually still married, and who gives a shit?

And finally, Papa John's Pizza apologizes for an anti-asian racial slur printed on one of its receipts. A spokesman for the pizza chain said that Papa John's means no disrespect to asian cultures. Just Italian.

Okay, that's all! More tomorrow, I bet. Till then, have a great day?

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - January 5, 2011

Good morning, friends! Doing anything inappropriate today? Sure hope so. You can start by laughing inappropriately loudly at these jokes and sending them to an inappropriate number of your friends. Commence enjoyment!

In Florida, a boy was hit by bullets shot into the air in celebration on New Year's Eve. He survived, and is recuperating in a local hospital, and doctors said yesterday that his condition is improving. Now, this is good news, Florida, but please resist the urge to celebrate it by firing wildly into the air.

Chinese television stations were ordered by the government to cut their entertainment programming by two thirds. They plan to fill the empty time with episodes of Whitney.

Marine biologists discovered a new species of sea crab, which has been dubbed "The Hoff" because of its hairy chest and its inexplicable popularity among Germans.

In Utah, a woman arrested for shoplifting claimed to be one of the "Cosby kids" from The Cosby Show. Authorities doubted her story, however, when they realized she was white.

Starbucks is raising its prices by 1% in certain parts of the country. I can't help feeling that this is somehow tied in with Occupy Wall Street. If it is, screw those hippies for making my soy chai latte marginally more expensive!

In political news, Rick Santorum lost the Iowa caucus by 8 votes, or .42 Duggars.

And Michele Bachmann, who finished in sixth place, is dropping out of the race. She explained, "If I can't win over assholes like Iowa Republicans, then I've got no business running."

And finally, Google is in trouble for reportedly paying bloggers to create pro-Chrome blog posts to raise the web browser's profile, which is ridiculous. Google Chrome is so intuitive, user-friendly, stable and feature-packed that it doesn't need any help getting publicity. It's just that good! Seriously.

Sorry, but I really need the money for chai.

And that's all for me this week! Spencer takes over tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 4, 2012

Well, with 89% of precincts reporting, I still don't care about the Iowa Caucus. So don't expect any jokes about it today. Maybe I'll give a damn tomorrow. But I do give a damn about these jokes. Read them and enjoy, or not.

Due to awful sales and mounting losses, RIM just reduced the price of all their Playbook tablets to $299. It's like if NBC decided to start selling all their advertising spots at Whitney prices.

A new "tropical" breed of hybrid sharks was spotted off the Australian coast. Biologists believe the breed is tougher than normal sharks, and presents a great new opportunity for shitty SyFy channel movies.

In Maryland, a lost hiker was saved in part by an iPhone flashlight app, which is convenient since it was the iPhone GPS that got him lost in the first place.

Speaking of lost, pop musician Fergie said this week that she might be having a baby this year. The only downside is that at some point, she's going to sing to that baby, and there's nothing comforting about an auto-tuned lullaby.

Speaking of babies, Lady Gaga said recently that "my next baby will be my new record." So, get ready for a scream-filled album that isn't nearly as cute as Lady Gaga thinks it is. And also, I guess that means a follow-up EP would be like the afterbirth?

China's President Hu Jintao said this week that the West is trying to dominate China by spreading its culture and ideology to China. It may sound xenophobic, but I understand his motivation. No one wants to wake up in the sort of country that created Whitney.

In Spain, Salma Hayek received knighthood this weekend. I can't imagine how they're going to find a suit of armor that fits her, though.

And finally, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark surpassed Wicked as the biggest financial success on Broadway. But in fairness, most of that came from Aflac injury claims.

Okay, that's the end of today. Tomorrow will be a new day, perhaps with Romney and Santorum and the awful choices Iowa's Republicans make. Till then, have a great day!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 3, 2012

Not a lot of news so far this year. Maybe Iowa will be interesting. Until then, enjoy these scraps!

In San Diego, a prisoner stole a firetruck as part of an escape plan on Sunday. Fortunately he didn't get away, because the city couldn't afford to keep any gas in the truck.

In television news, the Duggar family, stars of 19 and Counting, announced their support for Rick Santorum for president, doubling his supporters.

Speaking of families, a 100 year-old woman was reunited this weekend with her daughter after 77 years. She'd been trying to contact her daughter for years, but she unfortunately is on the AT&T network.

South Korean President Lee Myung-bak said he is ready for new era in relations between North and South Korea. He's also ready for dinosaurs to come back and humans to learn how to fly.

Russel Brand is divorcing Katy Perry. Apparently he finally got around to listening to her music.

Speaking of music, "Can't Get You Out of My Head" was named the "most-played" song of the aughts. Or at least it felt like it.

Rupert Murdoch started using Twitter this week, although no one has the heart to tell him he doesn't own it yet.

And finally, South Carolina governor Nikki Haley has come under attack from conservatives for endorsing Mitt Romney. Said one Tea Party operative, "when we supported her election campaign, it was under the assumption that she would not be using her own mind in any capacity. Like Rick Perry."

And that's all. More tomorrow, promise!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - January 2, 2012

Happy 2012! Did you make any New Year's resolutions? Probably not, because you're awesome, right? No need to change. But not everyone is so lucky. So, I've made a few resolutions on behalf of public figures who could use a new direction. Oh, and they're mostly funny.

For Chris Hanson, I resolve to invite someone over for drinks without posing as a 12 year old.

For John Boehner, I resolve to be less godawful at my job.

For Michele Bachman, I resolve to do something different with my eye makeup, or wear glasses or do something to look less creepy and intense all the time.

For Harry Reid, I resolve to not be held hostage by a Republican minority unless, you know, it involves legislation based on Democratic principles or would help the American people.

For Michael Bay, I resolve to blow some stuff up.

For Mitt Romney, I resolve to take a position on something. Doesn't matter what.

For Rupert Murdoch, I resolve to check my voicemail more often.

And finally, for Donald Trump, I resolve to quit being such a douchebag.

That's all for now! Tomorrow will be back to normal. Sure hope we get some news before then. Until that time, have a great day!