Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 1, 2011

It's the 200th post. That's special, right? Well, in honor of the specialness, you get a video today. It's a sketch I wrote that a bunch of my friends produced for a television pilot. It didn't get picked up. Most of them don't. Not much else to say, I guess. Okay, well, enjoy!

That's all from me this week. Thanks for indulging my weirdness for four straight days. Come back tomorrow for Spencer Hicks, and as always, have a great day.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 31, 2011

Hey! It's another edition of Way Back Wednesday! I wonder... what was happening in August of 1981...

Listen up, dweebs! A new cable network just started up called Music Television. What's cable? I don't know! Only 25% of American households have it, and only 800,000 of those people can see this new "MTV," but that doesn't matter, because it's cool! How do we know? Well, it's broadcasting out of a studio in Fort Lee, New Jersey. That's pretty cool, right?

Speaking of cool, Washington Post reporter Lou Cannon just coined a new nickname for President Reagan: "The Great Communicator." It replaces his old nickname: "Good Talker Guy."

What else is new? Well, in California, lingerie designer Frederick's of Hollywood introduced a brand new style of ladies' underpants to Americans, called a "thong." It's designed to finally answer the question, "what's it like to get a paper cut on your anus?" Oh, fashion.

Earlier this month, President Reagan fired over 11,000 professional air traffic controllers who went on strike, demanding, among other things, increased rest periods between shifts. Well, glad that got cleared up. Buncha sissies, asking for sleep.

IBM unveiled a new "personal computer" this month. It's packed with 16 kilobytes of random access memory, a price tag of $1,565 and comes pre-loaded with three different viruses. Oh, and it's also got porn.

In France, the national government finally relaxed it's monopoly on radio stations. Congratulations, France: now you, too, can enjoy all the crappy radio morning shows that define a democracy.

Back in America, the Major League Baseball strike ended without the President firing them all. The season will play out normally from this point, with all teams at a record of 0-0, which is the best position Cubs have had this late in the season for decades.

And lastly, the deep space probe Voyager 2 passed within 41,000 kilometers of Saturn this month, which was sadly not quite close enough to drop off the two tons of Chinese take-out menus it carried from Cape Canaveral. Next time, boys.

Okay, that's all! Let's all go watch The Empire Strikes Back!

Till then, have a great day.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 30, 2011

Today's blog will be guest-written by my good friend HACK_BOT, the robot who tells crappy jokes. You can follow him on Twitter, for some reason. Take it away, HACK_BOT!

















Sunday, August 28, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2011

Today's monologue is brought to you by Hurricane Irene, because what else use there to talk about? Also, instead of the usual jokes, I'll be bringing you helpful tips for making it through a hurricane with poise and dignity. Although it's debatable how much dignity is available when you're crapping in a plastic bag in the dark. Enjoy! (and if these seem familiar, it's probably because you follow me on Twitter or Facebook. If they don't sound familiar, then you should follow me on Facebook or Twitter!).

Tip #1: In any hurricane or natural disaster, always respect the "dibs" rule when looting.

Tip #2: The strength and speed of hurricanes are dissipated by wetlands. Always surround yourself with wetlands no matter where you go.

Tip #3: When evacuating, remember to get drunk enough to not feel fear, but also not so drunk that you feel invincible. Best to stop while you can still feel your face.

Tip #4: During any flood conditions, always stay near the fat guy, cause those suckers float! Also, they might have some candy.

Tip #5: When planning your evacuation route, make sure you go through the nicest neighborhood in town, in case you need to do some last minute looting.

Tip #6: Watch out for Zombies. You know, just in case.

Tip #7: Remember, standing in the hurricane-force wind and rain while screaming at the top of your lungs in defiance of the gods themselves is totally metal. But pace yourself, and drink some warm tea afterward. Black tea. It's the most metal of all teas.

Tip #8: After a hurricane, or any natural disaster, when you call FEMA for assistance, be sure to mention how white you are.

That's all for me for today. Stay safe, and if you have some extra dough, why not donate to the Red Cross? They do good work helping people, and some day they might be helping you.

Until then, have a great day!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Seth's Deodorant is Still Going Strong!

Hey friends, it's Friday. So that's good.

Warren Buffett invested $5 Billion in Bank of America. I'm not sure if BoA got the note that $8,000 of that was to pay off my balance.

Speaking of bad investments, married couples in the Bible Belt are more likely to get divorce than anyone else in the country. Take that ya God-less liberals in the Northeast!

The founders of Twitter or in the works on a new project called, Lift. They say it's going to unlock human potential... sounds like Scientology just got some new members!

Speaking of Scientology, it was rumored that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are splitting up. I'm guessing the church will get custody of the children.

The British Parliament met recently to discuss the banning of social media during crises, such as the riots. They also kicked around the idea of changing their name to, "Suck Town."

Meteorologist's paint an area around the expected track of a hurricane to reflect the average error of the forecast. This area is called, "The Cone of Uncertainty". Apparently my therapist is also a weatherman. Which I guess explains why we had our sessions in front of a Green Screen.

U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson of South Carolina has been hospitalized with an "extended fever," his spokesman said Thursday. No word yet on if it's jungle fever.

Thank you for being a friend. Kisses.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 25, 2001

One word: jokes.

Authorities in Arizona have charged two campers with sparking massive wildfires that ravaged the state this summer. The state has also preemptively declared them "Mexican."

Bad news today for crappy movies as a proposed "Ouija" movie was cancelled in a clear indication that sometimes God does listen to prayers.

In Kentucky, a jury threw out a lawsuit against a doctor who performed an emergency penis amputation on a patient who went in for a circumcision. When asked for reaction, the plaintiff said, "wow, this is a real kick in the stump."

Speaking of Dicks, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that his upcoming book will have "heads exploding" in Washington, DC. I really hope that's a metaphor.

Beer maker Heineken saw a steep sales slump this quarter. The leadership is so freaked out by the horrible sales, they even briefly considered making a beer that tasted good.

Paris Hilton's new reality show was cancelled, in yet another clear sign that God is listening to my prayers.

Following the east coast earthquake on Tuesday, many Californians took to social media networks to mock the reaction of east coast residents. Meanwhile, Los Angeles shut down after someone thought they felt rain falling on their arms.

And finally, this week a penguin visiting the set of Fox and Friends peed on Brian Kilmeade's shoe in another clear indication that COME ON, THIS IS GETTING FREAKY!

Okay, that's the end. Spencer is here tomorrow, and my new deodorant held up just fine, thank you very much. See you soon!

Till then, have a great week!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 24, 2011

It's about time this week had a Wednesday. I'm trying out a new deodorant, and I'm very emotionally invested, so keep your fingers crossed! In the meantime, laugh it up.

Tropical Storm Irene was downgraded on Monday from a Category 2 to a Category 1 storm. Turns out that Irene also supported President Obama's financial regulatory reforms. S&P has gone mad with power. MAAAAAD!!!!

In other disaster news, the east coast was struck by a 5.8 magnitude earthquake, centered in Mineral, Virginia. It was is the result of shifting between tectonic plates, but New York district attorneys are already blaming Nafissatou Diallo for the disturbance.

The quake is similar to earthquakes on the west coast, except it has a better theater scene, wears more black, and never learned how to drive. Oh, New York City is different from Los Angeles! Cutting edge comedy from 1987!

Okay, so there was an earthquake, and a tropical storm is threatening to land on the east coast. What else could go wrong? What's that? Oh, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are moving back? Great. It's like Cloverfield all over again.

In Libya, rebel forces captured Colonel Gadhafi's compound while the Colonel went into hiding. It's like the most dramatic episode of Trading Spaces ever.

An Alaskan mother was arrested for abusing her son in order to get onto the Dr. Phil show, which is strange considering that watching Dr. Phil is considered child abuse.

In other news, former President Bill Clinton became a vegan recently, proving it's never too late to become insufferable. HA! Kidding. Veganism is awesome.

And finally, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett denied rumors they were splitting up. "That's just crazy," Smith said, "unlike Scientology, which is totally cool. Have you read Dianetics? There's some awesome stuff about spaceships in there."

And... scene. More tomorrow? Yes, and then some other stuff, too!

Till then, have a great day!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 23, 2011

You should know that on this day in 1775, King George of England declared that the American colonies were in a state or open and avowed rebellion. So, that's cool, right? History man, what a trip. But what's happening today? Or actually yesterday?

It's nothing but bad news for a-holes in the Arab world, with governments in Syria and Libya both coming unraveled after decades of corrupt, incompetent mismanagement. Wait a minute, is NBC some sort of Arabian despotism?

Speaking of despots, North Korean "leader" Kim Jong-il recently visited Russia in his own personal armored train. Strangely enough, the South Korean President has an armored train, too, although his is called the Seoul Train.

In Florida, a woman was arrested for trying to sell her five year-old son. Apparently she didn't have the right business license. AYN RAND WAS RIGHT!

Former Hugh Hefner-boner Crystal Harris has reportedly landed a deal for her own reality show. Although she'll probably drop out of filming the day before it's supposed to start, then go talk to Howard Stern for some reason.

A recent study found that eight out of ten people have toxic friendships. In a related study, two out of ten people are such jerks that even toxic bastards don't want to be friends with them.

The Homeless World Cup kicked off in Paris this weekend. It's like the regular world cup, but with less alcohol.

Kate Winslet had to flee a fire this week that destroyed Richard Branson's private island. And yes, James Bond was probably behind it.

Oh, and lastly, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got married this weekend. Take that, England.

Okay, that's all I've got for you. Let's do this again, say in twenty four hours?

Till then, have a great day!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - August 21, 2011

What is this, Monday? Ugh. Okay. I went shopping recently, but I'm not going to talk about the stuff I bought, because I think I've grown as person, and I understand the world doesn't need to know about my underwear. But if you want to know, just ask me. Otherwise, enjoy the jokes.

In South Dakota, some school districts are trying to save money by cutting school on Fridays. I had no idea I was such a thrifty high schooler.

Speaking of thrifty, plans are still in flux for this year's MDA Telethon. Rumors are circulating that Jerry Lewis will be stepping back into the hosting duties after saying he would step down. Lewis denied the rumors, saying "who do I look like, Jay Leno?"

In Spain, the Pope was forced to end a youth rally after a lightning storm broke out. When the Pope is running from lightning, what chance do the rest of us have?

Senator Charles Schumer introduced a plan recently to deactivate stolen cell phones with some kind of kill switch transmitted by the owner. Similar plans have been proposed for children.

In California, fifteen people were arrested as they tried to smuggle pills into Tijuana, Mexico. Along with the pills, authorities found a broken GPS system.

The animal rights group PETA announced they will be launching a porn site devoted to animal lovers. I really hope I misinterpreted that sentence.

In legal news, the ubiquitous Facebook "Like" button was declared illegal in Germany because of course it was.

And lastly, President Obama issued a statement demanding that Libyan tyrant Gadhafi step down. Jay Leno has offered to take over.

And that's it for Monday. Tomorrow, there will be more. Maybe a Kardashian joke or something.

Have a great day!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Don't Worry, Kizz Read It!

Wanna know what? I was super worried no one was reading my jokes, so I made a post two weeks ago dedicated to regular reader, "Kizz". And then for two weeks, no on commented on it. I was heartbroken. But she read it! I feel like my life isn't a waste after all. To the joke-mobile!

Christine O'Donnell, the former Delaware GOP Senate candidate, was considered for a job on morning talk show, The View. But the producers realized they'd already had an O'Donnell. They have a right-wing nut. And they also have a former witch.

President Michele Bachmann has a promise: $2 gas: "Under President Bachmann you will see gasoline come down below $2 a gallon again," Bachmann told a crowd Tuesday in South Carolina. She also promised a longer lunch break and that Root Beer will be sold in the cafeteria.

Texas Governor Rick Perry has been demanding that the Federal Reserve "open their books up." When told the Federal Reserve publishes its balance sheet every Thursday, he demanded that America secede from the union.

The University of Miami says it's cooperating with an investigation into claims by an imprisoned former booster that he spent millions on improper gifts, entertainment and travel for Hurricanes athletes. The university said, "It's sad that these athletes that put their bodies on the line every week are getting anything besides a free education, an education completed by the tutors we assign to them."

According to former child star Corey Feldman, child molestation is rampant in the entertainment industry, as he told Nightline in an interview."The No. 1 problem in Hollywood was and is and always will be pedophilia," he said Wednesday. According to Feldman, the “casting couch” exists for children, too. Wow, that's disgusting Feldman. I thought heroin was the biggest problem, I mean, how do those kids stay so thin?

Have a great weekend and thanks for reading.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 18, 2011

Welcome to Thursday, everyone! This is going to be the best day we have all day, so I hope you enjoy it. That sentence meant absolutely nothing. I might run for President. Is that a joke? Who knows! These next things are, though.

Today is a great day for me. The Qdoba in my neighborhood is reopening after having some work done. It's kinda like Courtney Cox returning to television.

Police in London arrested the 1000th person in connection to the riots. Lucky number 1000 got his picture in the paper, a gift certificate to Harrods, and a savage beating from the cops. Congratulations!

Vice President Biden is in China discussing U.S.-Chinese debt. It doesn't look good for the talks. Rumor has it that Chinese negotiators had a pay toilet installed in Biden's hotel room.

Former Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi quashed rumors of a Black Sabbath reunion this week. Ozzy actually said the same thing last week, but no one could understand him. And he was taking to a dog at the time.

Anticipation is building for the new Microsoft operating system, Windows 8, which insiders say will totally revolutionize personal computing. Apparently it features a completely redesigned Blue Screen Of Death.

A new biography alleges that French fashion designer Coco Chanel was a Nazi agent during World War II. The first clue was her extensive portfolio of haute couture arm bands and jackboots.

Russian pilots carried out test flights on a new stealth plane this month. It's a big departure from the old Soviet designs. You see, in Soviet Russia, stealth plane flies you.

And finally, in more Russian news, former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbechev came out with harsh criticism of Russia's progress toward democracy and Vladimir Putin in particular. A confused Putin said "wait a minute, didn't I already kill him? Come on, Vlad! Get it together!" He then strangled a walrus with his bare hands.

Okay, that's the end. Of the blog. For today. Spencer is here tomorrow, and I'll be back Monday.

Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 17, 2011

Just when you thought it was going to be Tuesday again, it's Wednesday! Isn't that great? Yes, it is. Okay, and comedy is now!

In Delaware, the ACLU is defending the right of a convicted sex offender to live near a day care center. Said one lawyer, "yeah, I live across town."

In Maryland, a flash mob is being blamed for a 60-second robbery of a 7-11 store. Was it a flash mob, or just really efficient looting? We'll need to review the security footage to check for douchebag hipsters.

Speaking of douchebags, Governor Rick Perry said today that if the Chairman of the Federal Reserve prints more money before the next presidential election, it is tantamount to treason. Also treasonous: anything that helps to stabilize the economy and/or make it easier for President Obama to be reelected. That's the law. TEXAS-STYLE!

Remember that Rembrandt that was stolen from a California hotel recently? If you don't, go read yesterday's post. Go on, I'll wait. Okay, well police found it yesterday in a nearby church. At least the thieves didn't sell out.

In Forney, Texas, an 11 year-old girl was made Mayor for a day recently. First order of business, she renamed a street for Justin Bieber. Second order of business: get rid of all the Mexicans. That's the law. TEXAS-STYLE!

In other musical news, the rock group KISS got booted off an upcoming Michael Jackson tribute, presumably because they weren't considered solemn enough for the event. Either that or they had creative differences with the organizer: a chimpanzee. Because Michael loved... oh, never mind.

Speaking of other unspeakables, Casey Anthony's parents will be interviewed next week on the Dr. Phil Show because they haven't suffered enough.

And lastly, there's a rumor going around that Abercrombie & Fitch started bribing the Jersey Shore cast members to stop wearing their clothes. So, does that mean the Jersey Shore jerks are too douchey or not douchey enough?

Alright, those are some jokes. I'd say they're probably average. There will be more tomorrow.

Till then, have a great day!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 16, 2011

Happy Kayobi to you, everyone. That's the Japanese word for "Tuesday," which literally translates to "fire day." Sounds more exciting than "Mexican pizza in the cafeteria day," doesn't it? Alright, that's enough learning. Let's get on with making fun of stuff and things.

Yesterday super-rich old guy Warren Buffett (no relation to Jimmy, right?) wrote an editorial saying it was time for the U.S. to raise taxes on the super-rich and stop "coddling" them. He went on to say "yeah, and then spank us! SPANK US HARD!"

In other news, former Egyptian tyrant Hosni Mubarak continues to be on trial. However, the presiding judge recently cancelled television coverage of the proceedings. Apparently Matthew Weiner was demanding more money for his trial, and they had to cut back other programming.

In other television news, TLC cancelled Kate Plus 8, having finally answered the question: "how much of this shit can America stand?" Oh, and also, Matthew Weiner was blah blah blah Frank Darabont.

In legal news, thieves made off with a Rembrandt from a California hotel. The carefully orchestrated theft is regarded by some as an important advancement in art theft, although it won't be fully appreciated for decades. Because of the art. Okay.

In China, authorities found another 22 fake Apple stores. This time the police discovered the counterfeiters when they found out the people working inside were helpful.

Speaking of China, film production house Relativity Studio is partnering with Chinese filmmakers to speed up the process of film piracy.

Republican person Newt Gingrich went on a media offensive this weekend, raising awareness for his still-existing presidential campaign. Newt's new message is "we're not going anywhere." That's kinda the problem, Newt.

And lastly, Bernie Madoff's wife left him. Very sad, right? Apparently she's trying to kick start the whole "till death do us part thing."

And that's the last joke. There will be more tomorrow, I suspect. Until then, have a great day!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - August 15, 2011

Welcome back, everyone! I hope you all had a great weekend. I was rained on *and* managed to get some sunburn. That's effective time management, right? Speaking of effective time management, I've managed to write these timely jokes for you. Effective... now!

Big news if you're Nepalese this weekend as Jhalnath Khana, Nepal's Prime Minister, resigned his post. The Nepalese leader said he just needs some time to find himself, and plans to spend a year backpacking through Ohio. SWITCH-UP!

Okay, back to America and what really matters: children. A study came out recently that linked diminished learning ability to a lack of daily recess time. No, the study was not conducted by Mrs. Lopez's third grade class. Yeah, apparently kids can't learn as well without recess. Or books, or after school tutoring, or adequate lunches, or school supplies, or you get the idea.

Remember British Petroleum? They said recently that the company "cannot find skilled workers" which is great news for people who love oil spills. Wait, BP can't find skilled workers? Oh, that's probably due to people not wanting to be blown up on oil rigs. Right, that's a tough sell.

In television news, a group of witches is protesting the portrayal of witches on the popular HBO program True Blood. It seems that real witches aren't nearly as slutty as the characters on True Blood. But then again, who is?

In a related story, absolutely no bitches have been protesting the unflattering portrayal of their kind in The Hills.

In political news, Representative Michele Bachmann won the GOP's Iowa straw poll this weekend, placing her in the lead among the GOP presidential contenders. In response, President Obama said "and I thought I got all my birthday gifts last week. Thanks, Iowa!"

In a related story, former Minnesotta Governor Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race, saying that it's clear he's just not nearly batshit crazy enough this year to connect with GOP voters. An obviously disappointed Pawlenty said "who knows, maybe I'll be back next time, with a malignant brain tumor that drives me absolutely nuts. That'd be sweet."

An lastly, amid this week's insane-o stock market ups and downs, sales of gold continue to rise on eBay. Other items gaining in popularity: cans of gasoline, crossbows and leather chaps with full bondage riding outfits. Gimps sold separately.

And that's all he wrote. He being me. But he will write more for tomorrow. So enjoy today. In fact, have a great day!

Friday, August 12, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: I'm Watching The Diary of Anne Frank

Hey friends, I'm tired of trying to come up with clever things to write after the title. I don't think anyone reads my posts anyway. This is the first time I've seen the diary of Anne Frank, and ya wanna know what, this isn't doing a lot to make me sympathize with the Jews. But then again, you stick a small group of people in a confined space and I would hate them regardless of their religion.
Anycrap, here are some jokes:

British Prime Minister David Cameron thinks he's found some culprits to blame in the recent riots that have rocked London and other cities -- Facebook and Twitter. Yeah, take away other rights Cameron, that should calm people down. I think a better idea would be to pull, "V for Vendetta" from the shelves first.

Speaking of blowing things up in Europe, November 5, the date of the Gunpowder Plot, is the date hacker "ANONYMOUS" has said it will target Facebook. There ya go Prime Minister Cameron, if you can just hold out a little longer, the Facebook problem will be solved.

The FCC is in the final stages of completing a new 911 emergency line, where the police will be able to except texts and photos. America's Most Wanted will now have a spin-off just for the crotch pics.

The U.S. Postal Service is asking Congress to remove collective bargaining restrictions so it can lay off 120,000 workers and replace existing government health care and retirement plans. The post office is going to change it's motto to the ever so simple, "Nor".

Corporate insiders are rushing to buy shares in their companies, suggesting that they think the recent sell-off in their stocks is overdone. I don't have a joke for this, I just know that this is somehow going to screw people like me that can't afford to buy stocks.

Alright guys, I know this is short, but I don't hear anyone complaining. I love you guys.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 11, 2011

Welcome back to the 21st Century! Did you all have fun with your hilarious history trip yesterday? I sure hope so! Since I can write those things in advance, it means I can take a night off, so you'll be visiting another hilarious year next week, too. Twenty-three-skidoo! Okay, here's some "current" jokes for you.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's oldest daughter (that we know of) said in an interview this week that she is "way closer" to Maria. I'm sure Arnold was bummed out, until he realized that he can just have another daughter. In fact, he probably already has.

On Tuesday, an ebook about Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was released, unlike Assange who is in jail! Wait, what? He got out. You'd think someone would have mentioned it. Oh, and blah blah blah hackers brought down with book orders!

As part of an effort to stop prisoners from issuing online threats while in prison, Facebook is now deleting prisoner profiles. But they can keep their Myspace page.

Bad news from science. It seems that a strain of European mice has developed a resistance to most poisons. The so-called super mice are vulnerable to only two things: mouse Kryptonite, and shoes.

In The Day The Music Died news, Wal-Mart is closing its MP3 store. This is terrible news for all the old guys who worked as greeters for the web store. Maybe Napster will hire them. Because it's old, too.

The hacker group "Anonymous" issued a threat to Facebook, saying they'll bring the site down on November 5th, or as I call it "the day I'll have to actually do my job."

You guys remember China? Chinese artist, dissident and critic Ai Weiwei, recently released from Chinese prison for being ornery, has resumed his vocal criticism of the Chinese government, because he apparently left his lucky toothbrush back in the prison.

And lastly, LeAnn Rimes had her wedding vows turned into a temporary tattoo last week. It's a fitting tribute to the institution of marriage, and how temporary it becomes once LeAnn Rimes gets involved.

That's it! Love it or leave it, people. Feel free to nominate your favorite year for the next Way Back Wednesday. Spencer is in tomorrow, and I'll be back Monday. So rejoice!

And have a great day!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 10, 2011

Welcome to the brand new Late Night Morning Way Back Wednesday. The kids have all been asking, "hey, what would snarky topical humor have been like in August of 1911?" Here it is, kids. You're welcome.

Big news from the Vatican today, as Pope Pius X lowered the age of first communion to seven years old. That's just like the Catholic Church, always treating kids like adults.

Speaking of big news, the first American newsreel premiered in theaters yesterday, and President Taft has already accused it of promoting a biased liberal agenda. He also accused the camera of adding ten pounds. Because he's fat.

Happy birthday to our newest states, Arizona and New Mexico! You're all Americans now! Well, most of you.

Speaking of deserts, the mercury hit a record high of 98 degrees in England today! It got so hot, that people started emigrating to India just to cool off! And to exploit the natural resources of the subcontinent while denying hundreds of millions of people the right to self-determination. Is that hot or what?!

Big news in aviation this week. Harriet Quimby, a woman, became a licensed pilot! She's only the second woman ever to become a pilot, unless you count all those backseat pilots! Am I right fellas?! But seriously, Harriet, congratulations. Maybe some day you'll get to vote.

In French military news, the government is trying to get rid of old officers. They're forcing retirement on any officer "who can no longer ride a horse." Bad news for French soldiers with hemorrhoids!

In Peru, explorer and bon vivant Hiram Bingham rediscovered the ancient, lost city of Machu Picchu! By the time Bingham left, Charles Russell was already there handing out copies of The Watchtower.

In booze news, Texas voters recently rejected a prohibition of alcohol sales in the state. Glad we're done with that, am I right? The state then celebrated with a restrained, dignified orgy of liquor and firearms.

And lastly, the Brooklyn Rapid Transit company was just awarded a $235,000,000 contract to build 87 miles of new subway lines in New York City. They'll throw in the urine smell for free.

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more broken news! See you tomorrow, or yesterday!

Until then, have a great day.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 9, 2011

Happy Tuesday, unless you're in London, in which case, LOOK OUT! Here's some jokes.

A study revealed this week that increasingly, recruiters for major corporations are turning to Facebook for their employee search, because they're looking for people who spend all their time on Facebook, apparently. Productivity is overrated.

Sad news today, as the United States House of Representatives announced it is ending the nearly 200-year old Capitol Page Program. No word yet on how this will impact the Rape a Capitol Page Program.

For some reason, Hollywood is making a Dirty Dancing remake. So now a whole new generation can get sick of it. Oh well, at least it will introduce 14 year-olds to the magic of Joe Cocker's soothing voice. He'll still be doing the theme song, right? Oh, screw it.

Shocking media news this week, as many conservatives are angry about the angry-looking, crazy-eyed picture of Michele Bachmann on the cover of Newsweek. They feel that it sets an unhealthy standard of wild-eyed batshit-crazy rage that young girls cannot live up to. And they're right. They've clearly airbrushed the last bit of sanity right out of her smile. It's just not fair.

Following up with the news of rapper Big Boi's arrest this weekend, police revealed that drug dogs actually smelled the drugs on Big Boi, alerting the police. The dogs then had to go lay down, eat some Captain Crunch and listen to Pink Floyd for about an hour.

In response to the government crackdown in Syria this month, the government of Saudi Arabia recalled its Syrian ambassador out of protest. If that isn't the repressive pot calling the kettle tyrannical...

Kanye West said today that he's tired of people looking at him like Hitler. Does that mean he's tired of people looking at him in a manner that he feels Hitler would have looked at him, or that he thinks people think he's Hitler? If it's the latter, he should probably knock it off with all those big late-night rallies with all those torches and costumes and singing and whatnot. If it's the former, well, then it sounds like he's just being paranoid... Just. Like. HITLER!

And lastly, Kate Gosselin, formerly of Jon and Kate Plus 8, announced that she is ready to date again. I'm not sure if that's a warning, or not. Regardless, her uterus also issued a statement: "HELP!"

That's all for me. Keep shining, you all. And we'll see you tomorrow!

Till then, have a great day!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - August 8, 2011

Welcome back. How are you doing? Are we all excited for the week? That'll wear off... now. I'm kidding. This is going to be a great week, and today's going to be a great day! We've got some great jokes for you, and if this were an actual talk show we'd have some great guests and skits and stuff, too. You'll just have to use your imagination. And sunblock. You should use plenty of sunblock. Always. Okay, let's get started.

I heard that a competitive swimmer from the United States is planning to swim from Florida to Cuba. Probably just going down there for cancer treatment.

Speaking of Florida, rapper Big Boi was arrested in Miami for illegal possession of Ecstasy and Viagra pills. Looks like someone had a special first date planned.

In worse news, the bond-rating agency Standard & Poor's downgraded the U.S. bond rating, even though the math in their analysis was off by two trillion dollars. Remind me again why we had a worldwide economic collapse?

In worse news, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced that he will be remaining Treasury Secretary for the foreseeable future. Probably because no one else wants the job.

In Las Vegas, computer hackers from around the world came to the Defcon hacking convention. For many attendees it was the first time they met each other in person, and the first time they saw the sun. Oh, and also, "blah blah blah, News of the World blah blah blah hackers."

Also, 45,000 Verizon employees went on strike this weekend, prompting many customers to say, "no, I can't hear you now. Because I'm a Verizon customer. And they're on strike." Okay. Whatever.

The creators of the high school musical program Glee will be making a new horror show for FX, because apparently high school isn't horrific enough.

And lastly, sad news for absolutely no one: Desperate Housewives ends this season. The producers said they wanted to go out at a critical and creative high point, but since that's not going to happen, they might as well end it now.

Okay, that's all for today! We'll be back tomorrow, with more jokes and pretend guests and other hijinks. Maybe we'll play Crazy 8s.

Till then, have a great day!

Friday, August 5, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: This One's for Kizz!

Good morning Kizz. Since you are the only person that comments, I figure I would personalize this weeks jokes for you! I've read various blog entries from G Capitol, and took inspiration from those topics. Enjoy.

Building a new home is expensive. And with the economy the way it is, the best investments are real estate and Beanie Babies.

When building a new home or addition you have to worry about things like the weather, but it seems you never have to worry about a windfall.

When your grandparents come to visit and say, "I'm from a simpler time." Believe them, because they can't figure shit out now.

I'm in the process of starting a band, the name of the band is going to be, "Stump Grind."

Despite not having a period, my butt usually sweats on a hot day after a good BM. Which always makes me feel like I need to re-wipe.

I recently found my misplaced guilt... on my therapists couch. That was a waste of money.

Sanitized hotel plungers! What are jobs white people won't do? I'll take Potpourri for $500, Alex.

Now... for real jokes:

Homosexuals are boycotting Chick-Fil-A because the owners are "homophobic bigots". Really? You're just now figuring out the place that is closed on the Lord's day might be ran by people that don't approve of your lifestyle?

Yesterday was President Obama's 50th birthday. As part of the debt ceiling deal, he will be forced to cut his own cake.

There is a ranch in Maryland that offers "Bull riding for Jesus". A group of Christian bull riders. Don't worry, they are still opposed to animal husbandry.

That's it for me. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 4, 2011

Great. Let's do this.

Big drug news in the U.K. this week, as authorities intercepted a yacht with over a ton of cocaine on board. A visibly distraught Charlie Sheen said "Wait, was it white with blue pinstripes?! Oh, shit. This weekend is gonna suck now."

Meanwhile, political reforms continue in Cuba, as a new law passed allowing Cubans to purchase homes. Now, if only there was a law that allowed them to have some money.

A recent story about the deficient IQs of web-surfers who use Microsoft Internet Explorer story was a hoax meant to ridicule people for using the outdated browser. Fortunately, most IE users are too dumb to know it.

Congress adjourned for the summer, leaving the Federal Aviation Administration unfunded and unable to effectively manage American air travel. Apparently everyone in Congress will be driving home this summer.

Back to the Internet, Missouri recently passed a law banning teachers from communicating with their students over Facebook, much to the disappointment of that one math teacher you had. You know who I'm talking about.

In international police news, a worldwide child pornography ring was shut down this week, and over 70 people were arrested, much to the disappointment of that one... yeah, you know.

In crazy dictator news, Venezuela's Hugo Chavez shaved his head this week, calling it his "new look." He then went on to add, "and the curtains match the carpet, ladies."

And lastly, in other crazy dictator news, Iranian "leader" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said in an interview this week, "When we say we don't want to build an atomic bomb it means we really do not want to build an atomic bomb," adding "WINK!"

That's it for me this week! I'll see you Monday, and Spencer will be here tomorrow!

Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 3, 2011

What's got eight jokes and no banter? This blog!

Allegations surfaced yesterday that the Newt Gingrich campaign purchased fake Twitter followers to make the candidate appear more popular than he really is. I prefer to think he's just doing really well among people with private photo galleries and iPad giveaways. Also, they might try purchasing some fake campaign staff while they're at it.

This week the U.S. Coast Guard found a disabled submarine in the Caribbean with 7.5 tons of cocaine aboard. A visibly distraught Charlie Sheen asked "wait a minute, was it blue with white pinstripes?! No? Oh, okay."

Also this week, Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords returned to Congress to cast her vote for the bill to raise the debt limit and cut federal spending by two trillion dollars over the next ten years. She voted for the bill, despite her earlier comment that "this economy needs more spending cuts like I need another... well, you know."

I apologize for the construction of that joke, but not the content.

In China, the popular video game Angry Birds has taken off with Chinese gamers. It's just like the American version, except if the birds get too angry, they get arrested.

Speaking of criminals, Venezuela is releasing 40% of all its prisoners as part of a cost-saving initiative. The government assured the people that there's no threat to public safety, as most of the prisoners weren't guilty of anything, anyway.

In entertainment news, Joe Pesci is suing the producers of a film about John Gotti. Pesci says he gained 30 pounds after the producers promised him the role of Gotti, then changed their minds, leaving him, in effect fat and unemployed. In a related story, Rob Reiner wishes he'd thought of that excuse.

Talk show icon Oprah Winfrey is returning to television this fall. There's no word yet if she'll be taking Conan's time slot or not.

And lastly, an unidentified man jumped over the White House fence and was taken into custody by Secret Service agents. President Obama said he's willing to listen to the man's demands and negotiate a deal.


Come back tomorrow, and have a great day!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 2, 2011

Today is a momentous day, everyone. Five years ago, I performed standup comedy for the first time. So, according to Malcolm Gladwell, I'm halfway to being good. Oh, oh. We're halfway there. Here's some jokes.

Speaking of five year anniversaries, Mel Gibson recently celebrated his fifth year of sobriety. Congratulations, Mel! Thanks to sobriety, he's found clarity and inner peace that has really allowed him to focus in and do great things with his anti-Semitism.

In less happy news, Ford is recalling 1.2 million pick-up trucks because there's a chance the gas tanks will fall out and explode. In a related story, Ford will be providing sponsorship and transportation for this year's Burning Man festival.

In television news, NBC executives are calling on Will Ferrell, Sean Hayes and other past stars of the network to help revitalize the network, which is currently in fourth place. Paul Reiser was not invited.

In legal news, the woman accused of burglarizing the hotel room of Jeopardy host, Alex Trebek, recently pled "not guilty" to charges that she broke in and robbed Trebek while he slept. And no, she did not phrase her plea in the form of a question. Because that's not how the criminal justice system works. I learned that from The Wire.

In entertainment news, actress Sissy Spacek finally received her own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. The unveiling proceeded smoothly until someone dumped a bucket of pigs' blood on her head and she killed everyone with her telekinesis. Yes, that's what happened.

In China, retailers are stealing the IKEA business model and selling their own furniture directly to Chinese consumers after factory owners realized "hey, we can make shitty furniture, too!"

In sports news, the Atlanta Braves lost their 10,000th game in franchise history this week. But they're still doing better than NBC.

And finally, a study released last week indicated that people who use Microsoft's Internet Explorer to surf the web have, on average, an IQ 20 points below the national average. I'm guessing that's still substantially higher than the people who made Internet Explorer. The study was conducted by the Asshole Nerd Institute, proving once again that even nerds can be smarmy, condescending dicks.

Well, that's all. Did the economy collapse yet? If not, we'll try it again tomorrow.

Till then, have a great day!