Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 30, 2011

Can I interest you in some Thursday? How about a series of jokes? COMMENCE FRIVOLITY!

So, a judge in California just garnished Charlie Sheen's wages for child support. How much? Only $55,000 per month. Guess therapy can get pretty expensive, huh?

Last week, a man pretended to be a soldier returning from overseas so that he could get a free upgrade to first class on an American Airlines flight. After discovering the ruse, the airline offered him another free first class fight to Kabul. One way, of course.

The Pope started tweeting this week, and frankly I'm amazed at how much the Vatican apparently wants me to have an iPadd for fereee no cost clik here!!!! Also, he's retweeting a lot from @TheRealJC (Verified).

This week Newsweek ran a front page story on what Lady Diana would be like if she were still alive at age 50. I don't know what she'd be up to, but I think I might have figured out why people aren't reading Newsweek anymore. Way to go, Tina Brown.

In financial news, Bank of America is close to issuing a settlement to its investors for $8.5 billion. That would be a hell of a Community Chest card. Maybe it will be in the new "Colossal F*ck-Up" edition of Monolopy™ coming out this year. Just in time for the second recession!

Liz Taylor's jewelry has gone out on tour in preparation for sale at auction. Well, it looks like Michael Jackson really is dead, or else this would have smoked him out.

A recent poll found that Republican voters are unhappy with their choices in the Presidential primary. How shocking that Republican voters are unhappy. They're usually such a mellow, Zen-like group of folks.

And finally, Google is in beta testing for a new social network meant to "out-Facebook" Facebook. A spokesman for the company explained the new venture, saying, "we're way better at selling your personal data. Always have been, always will be. Now, who wants video chat?!"

That's it for me for the week! I've done better, certainly, but it's free, so... anyway, come back tomorrow for Spencer Hicks! And have a great day!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 29, 2011

Alright, team. Stay focused. We're doing great. By the way, have you voted yet for your favorite contestant on The Voice? I really hope that Cee-Lo's mohawk wins it all. Anyway, let's have some intentional jokes now...

Speaking of creepy musicians, Michael Jackson's Thriller jacket sold for $1.8 million. So, a rich weirdo bought a dead guy's clothes? I think Michael would be happy with that. Oh, and also, the jacket will be sent on tour to raise money for children's charities. There's probably a joke about still touching children's lives from beyond the grave, but I'm not about to make it.

On the Internet, MasterCard's website went down today, but representatives from the company were quick to point out that it wasn't due to hacking. Nope, this was just good old fashioned incompetence. Feel better?

A study published last month found that crows could recognize human faces and held grudges against humans for years, even going so far as to warn other crows about dangerous people. Pretty smart, huh? Too bad they couldn't divert some of that brain power to controlling when and where they shit.

Speaking of angry birds, Barnes and Noble just partnered with Rovio, makers of the "Angry Birds" game, to make special content available to gamers who visit Barnes and Noble stores. Because there's nothing that gamers love more than going places.

In international news, this week Iran showed off a new top-secret line of ballistic missiles and secret missile silos. Apparently the Farsi word for "secrecy" means something different than the English version.

Back to the Internet now, and news that Twitter co-founder Biz Stone is stepping away from day-to-day operations of the micro-blogging website. But he's not retired yet. No, he's already busy sending out hundreds of 140-character resumes. #ProbablyDoingJustFine

Back to the Internet for drugs now, with word coming from New York that the man behind the new narcotics called "bath salts" was finally arrested. Now that he's off the streets, there's gonna be a sad bunch of fiends hanging out at Bed Bath and Beyond. Maybe they could just start drinking booze, like real Americans.

And lastly, in political news, rock star Tom Petty sent a cease-and-desist order to Congresswoman Michele Bachmann's campaign demanding that she stop using his song "American Girl" in her videos and public events. He said she's welcome to some of his other songs:
  • "Fooled Again"
  • "No Second Thoughts"
  • "You Can Still Change Your Mind"
  • "A Wasted Life"
  • "The Damage You've Done"
  • "All The Wrong Reasons"
  • "Makin' Some Noise"
  • "Zero from Outer Space"
  • "Asshole"
  • "Won't Last Long"
  • "No More"
  • "Money Become King"
  • "When a Kid Goes Bad"
  • "Yer So Bad"
  • and of course, "Don't Come Around Here No More"

That's all for today! Come back tomorrow, unless you're too busy running down a dream.

Have a great day!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 28, 2011

Is it just me, or does something smell like Tuesday in here?

Coinciding with last night's episode of ABC's The Bachelorette, fans unveiled a new drinking game. Every time the Bachelorette says "Bentley" or "closure," you do a shot. Did I mention the point of the game is to get acute alcohol poisoning? Didn't get that joke? That's okay, it just means you're a single guy.

Speaking of bad television, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was found guilty on 17 out of 20 charges against him this week, meaning he will likely do some serious jail time. Look for him to feature on NBC's new Convict Apprentice.

Speaking of bad television, an amateur videographer captured shot of a shark leaping over a surfer recently. So, apparently sharks are capable of irony. In a related story: a surfer just shit his pants on video.

Speaking of bad television, FOX News host Chris Wallace came under fire this week for asking Congresswoman Michele Bachmann if she was a "flake." He apologized and said he meant to ask her if she was "a fake, because no one can be that sincerely stupid. Come on, this a put on, right? Like professional wrestling? Please, dear God, someone tell me she's not for real."

Speaking of bad television, the aforementioned Congresswoman Michele Bachmann kicked off her Presidential campaign in Waterloo, Iowa, by identifying herself with the spirit of former Waterloo resident and serial killer John Wayne Gacey. Look it up. I can't possibly explain it here. When asked if she meant to reference John Wayne, the celebrated film star who lived elsewhere in Iowa, Rep. Bachman said "as always, I stand by my words, no matter how insane and ill-informed they may be. I'm not going to flip-flop on that now."

Speaking of bad television, the Los Angeles Dodgers entered into bankruptcy protection yesterday. However, manager Don Mattingly said that the financial troubles won't affect the team at all, going on to pledge "to continue to suck for the rest of the season just as hard, if not harder, than we have so far."

In international news, the International Criminal Court issued an arrest warrant for Colonel Gaddhafi of Libya. So now he's got that headache to deal with, AND he just lost all his best footballers! Sometimes it seems almost like it's not worth it being a dictator at all. At least he's not a Dodger's fan.

And lastly, speaking of bad television, CBS announced that Survivor host Jeff Probst will be hosting his own daytime talkshow starting in 2012. After years of watching people eat cockroaches and betray each other, seems like Probst is uniquely suited for this job.

That's it! Let's keep that energy up till tomorrow! Oh, and Anita Bryant can suck it!

Have a great day!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - June 27, 2011

Happy ___day, happy ___day! Just don't use the first three letters, and it'll be a lot happier. Also, these jokes might help.

Joke Number One! The hacker group LulzSec is disbanding after a series of high profile attacks on government and industrial websites. Early reports indicate that one of them started dating Yoko Ono. Did you like how the joke about hackers was itself "hack?" Did anyone...? Oh, this is gonna be a long day.

Speaking of hackers, a 19 year old suspected of hacking into a British police agency "has Asperger's syndrome," according to authorities. So, wait. Is this an inspirational story? I'm confused.

For the third joke, we bring it back to America, where a couple who participated on the television show The Marriage Ref are filing for divorce. The couple blames the show's creator, Jerry Seinfeld, which is ridiculous, because he only breaks up a marriage when he wants to bang one of them.

Also in America, a rare photograph of Billy the Kid sold for $2.3 million. Why so high? Someone started a rumor you could see his junk. DAMN! America loves a junk shot!

Speaking of junk, Florence Henderson revealed recently that she got crabs in the 1970s after a one-night-stand with the Mayor of New York. That sound you just heard was your childhood throwing up.

Speaking of junk, there was some bad news for former stars of MTV's totally unscripted reality series The Hills. Yeah, this week Lauren Conrad and Kyle Howard split up after three years of tolerating each other. Apparently it took them this long to figure out they weren't on television anymore. No word as to Jerry Seinfeld's possible involvement.

In sporting news, the Women's World Cup of Football (soccer) got underway in Europe this weekend, giving American sports fans three separate reasons to not give a shit about it. Keep it up, America! This totally isn't getting old!

In other football news, players from Libya have started defecting to escape the violence of the civil war. After all, if they wanted that kind of chaos and danger, they could just go play with Zlatan Ibrahimović! HA! Take that, Zlatan! Wait, did you not get that one? Oh, just Google him.

Anyway, that's the end of today's funny business. Come back again sometime, huh? Maybe in a day? If you like, you can always tell your friends about all this hilarity. And don't forget to stay hydrated this summer. You'll feel a lot better!

Have a great day!

Friday, June 24, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: I'm broke...

Hey gang, so... I have ten dollars in my checking account until my next payday. Don't worry though, I've read "The Secret" and I'm sure the Universe is going to be giving me a lot of unexpected money soon. If only everyone read "The Secret"... there would be no poor people.
Anycrap, let's get to the jokes. You don't care about my financial situation.

Speaking of people that don't have to worry about money: Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss, the former business partners and Harvard University classmates of Mark Zuckerberg, have dropped their court appeal of a settlement with the Facebook founder. They are however, still proceeding with the case of who has the worse last name.

According to the BBC, automaker Saab is having trouble paying it's employees and is on the brink of going under. This is baad news for this caarmaaker.

Sgt. Maj. Micheal Barrett, recently selected to be the senior enlisted adviser to the Marine Corps thinks gays should be allowed in the military, saying, “Get over it,” “We’re magnificent, we’re going to continue to be. … Let’s just move on, treat everybody with firmness, fairness, dignity, compassion and respect. Let’s be Marines.” To which the straight soldiers snickered and said, "He said 'firm'".

In health news, both men and women have better odds of surviving colon cancer if they are married, U.S. researchers say. Scientist are still not clear as to which is the bigger pain in the ass.

Monique Lawless, a Texas woman, had nothing personal at stake when she saw three men leaving a Walmart store in Alvin with three cases of beer they didn't pay for. She was a customer, not an employee, of the store. And she chased the men down and jumped on the hood of their car. Great job Monique, why to stick up for the biggest retailer on the planet! Hey Monique, you know that if you worked for Wal-Mart you would never be promoted to management, don't you?

An unnamed former Apple exec said that Apple is getting into the TV business. They are going to "blow Netflix and the other guys away." Their plan is to strip the TV of all it's useful features and raise the price. Should be a huge success.

That's it for me kids. If you happen to see me, give me a dollar.


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 23, 2011

Restrain yourselves, people. It's only Thursday. Let's have some jokes.

Bad science news this week, as a NASA scientist is in trouble for using his position and knowledge to earn $1.2 million from a third party. He probably just gave some tips to Michael Bay on how to film the Moon so that it looks real.

Bad fashion news this week, as fancy fashionist John Galliano went on trial in France for making anti-Semitic remarks. It's likely that he will blame drugs and alcohol for the outburst. First it was Mel Gibson's drunken, anti-Semitic rant and now this? It's become clear to me: drugs and alcohol hate Jewish people!

In California, Lindsay Lohan said she is enjoying her house arrest, probably because it gives her a chance to catch up on her drugs in peace.

In Utah, a gunman took several people hostage hostages for 16 hours, and still kept updating his status on Facebook. That's some serious multi-tasking. Also, it looks like hostage situations should be more exciting.

Former celebrity Nick Lachey and his new wife will star in a new version of his old show Newlyweds. Jeez, Nick, hope you didn't give her Jessica's old clothes, too.

The acting head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tabacco and Firearms is expected to resign after allowing guns to be sold to Mexican gangs... unless he can pull off a wacky scheme to get the guns back, arrest the gangs and totally impress his girlfriend's stodgy old parents! Wait, is Pauly Shore the acting head of the ATF? No? Oh, then he's screwed.

Yesterday, Sarah Palin abruptly ended her bus tour. She abandoned that bus like it was a Governor's Mansion. BOOM! She's a quitter! Still, though, you have to admire her amazingly consistent inconsistency. She likes to quit stuff. I heard she started shooting heroin just to give it up. Seriously, I'm starting to wonder if she could even finish a sneeze.

Lastly, in Colorado, police alleged that a peeping tom hid in porta-potty tank to watch people use the restroom, and when discovered, he made his escape while still covered in poop. I think he was probably just washing off his Jack in the Box burger. BOOM! TRIPLE CALLBACK! That's it! It's the turd-trifecta! I've completed my shitty trilogy, and I thank you for coming along with me. 

Ending my week with a poop joke? Shit yeah.

Eat your fruit, have a great day, come back again soon! Spencer's here tomorrow, so you should be, too.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 22, 2011

Happy Wednesday! Every day gets shorter from here on out! Yay, summer! Okay, that's really tiring. Whatever. It's hot. Here's some jokes.

Rapper and actor 50 Cent is writing an anti-bullying book for teens. It's called Quit Picking on that Kid, or I'll Beat You Up.

Prolific musical satirist Weird Al Yankovic released a parody of Lady Gaga this week, which is strange considering that Lady Gaga is now a parody of Lady Gaga.

In aviation news, Virgin Atlantic pilots announced they will go on strike. Air traffic controllers hailed the move, saying "does that mean we get another 15 minutes of sleep?" Ha ha ha, no, it doesn't.

Popular musician Britney Spears kicked off her summer tour this week, and one lucky man from the audience was treated to a lap dance on stage during one of the songs. On the downside though, the dance cost him $20 plus a $10 Ticketmaster surcharge.

Former Oasis bandleader Noel Gallagher is not inviting his brother Liam to his upcoming wedding. It makes sense, though, considering how much trouble it is just having one of those assholes at your wedding. No reason to punish yourself with both.

A young Emperor penguin turned up in New Zealand recently after swimming way, way off course. Veterinarians made sure the animal was in good health, and Peter Jackson immediately added him to the cast of The Hobbit.

Ryan Murphy, the creator of Glee, revealed this week that the characters on his show will age normally and graduate from high school on schedule. So, in that sense, the show is unlike real high schools.

Lastly, in Oregon, a small town dumped 8 million gallons of drinking water from a reservoir after a young man was caught peeing in it. At least he wasn't throwing in a burger from Jack in the Box. BOOM! CALLBACK!

That's all for now! See you again tomorrow!

Eat some fruit and have a great day!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 21, 2011

Well, well, well, if it isn't Tuesday. How boring. Here are some jokes to spice it up.

Sunday night, the Miss USA Pageant crowned Miss California as the new Miss USA, assuming she's never taken nude photos or anything. It's worth noting that she was one of only two contestants who said they believe in evolution. In that sense, the Miss USA Pageant is just like a Republican primary debate. That, and the fact that nothing of any importance was decided. MISS AMERICA RULES, MISS USA DROOLS!

Speaking of ladies, human rights activists are petitioning US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to come to the aid of women attempting to drive in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they got a flat tire.

In more ladynews, the Supreme Court of the United States dismissed a gender-discrimination class action suit against Wal-Mart, partly because there were too many plaintiffs for the court to handle.  In Serbia, Ratko Mladic is kicking himself for not taking the same route.

In Italy, actress and role model Angelina Jolie visited refugees from Tunisia and Libya. To acknowledge their bravery, she then apologized for The Tourist. At least in my heart she did.

It turns out that drug smugglers are using submarines to move cocaine from South America into the United States. You know, taking drugs may be for losers, but selling drugs is clearly for self-motivated, Type-A problem solvers.

In other winner news, Marilyn Monroe's dress from The Seven Year Itch just sold for $4.6 million at auction this week. Looks like someone's putting together the Halloween costume early this year!

Speaking of hot little numbers, Senator John McCain of Arizona said that there is strong evidence that illegal immigrants are responsible for wildfires tearing across the state. Well, if there's strong evidence that foreigners are coming here and harming us, maybe we should inva-- oh, hey, wait a minute! You almost got me again, you sneaky old fuck!

And lastly, a Japanese scientist made fake meat out of sewage containing feces, because of course he did. In an unrelated story, Jack In The Box is expanding in Tokyo.

Ending on a poop joke? OF COURSE! Well, this may be the wrong time to mention it, but it's a good season for fresh fruit. Just make sure you, um, you know, wash it first...

Have a great day! See you tomorrow!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - June 20, 2011

Are you ready for some observations about current events taken out of context with some stuff made up? No? Well, you've got about ten more words before you have to be. How about now?

In Mexico, authorities revealed recently that gangs are now stealing fuel, because apparently it's more lucrative than cocaine. That might also explain the sudden number of drive-by shooting linked to Chevron.

In entertainment news, Russel Brand has been invited to join the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, which means he gets to vote on oscars. And you thought democracy worked...

In Belgrade, boozy chenteuse and death-defier Amy Winehouse was booed offstage after drunkenly slurring through several songs and just generally sucking. The audience was denied a refund, however, as the tickets clearly indicated Amy Winehouse would be performing.

In Russia, Human rights activist Yelena Bonner died at the age of 88 after a long illness. A heartbroken Vladimir Putin issued a statement expressing his regret that he never got around to killing her while she was alive.

In political sporting news, President Obama and Speaker Boehner teamed up for a charity benefit golf tournament. Unfortunately they didn't get to play, as Senator McConnell filibustered the entire tournament.

In molestation news, the Vatican set up a help center to assist children and adults abused by members of the clergy. That's a great step, but how about a "don't sexually assault people" center, too?

In her new memoir, Bristol Palin describes losing her virginity on camping trip after having too many wine coolers in what may be the least surprising story of sex ever written. If she hasn't had any sex since then, then Ms. Palin has a real case to lay claim to the title of "Most Hackneyed Vagina." Good luck, Bristol!

Lastly, in a related story, a recent medical study found that only 24% of high school students drink soda regularly, down from 29% two years ago. Apparently kids are finding better mixers for cheap whiskey than we did. Time marches on. Or at least stumbles drunkenly.

That's all! Go forth and have a great day! See you tomorrow, kiddos!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: I Don't Get it

So, I've been listening to The Ting Tings, "Great DJ", on repeat for the past few days. Don't be surprised if most of these jokes are about cute British girls that make weird noises with their mouths. Was that awkward?

Here is some needless news in the category of overplayed crap: Rep. Weiner resigned Thursday and held a press conference. He should have written, "I Quit" on his don't and posted it on Twitter.

Vivek Kundra, the first federal Chief Information Officer appointed by the White House to lead the nation’s technology initiatives, will step down at the end of the summer to pursue a fellowship at Harvard University. Wait... we had a federal CIO?

Headline (with pictures): A naked female scientist tries to tame belugas in the freezing Arctic. When I clicked the article is showed a naked woman swimming with whales. At least, I think it was a woman. Remember that water is COLD!

A plastic surgeon in LA has cornered the "cankle" removal market. Listen ladies, if your tits are big enough, no one is going to notice your ankles.

Big Splash in Tulsa, Oklahoma was rented by Life Church, a large Tulsa congregation. Life Church charged $7 for admission and then used the wave pool to baptize people. They went in the pool, burdened with sin, but came up born again... and with traces of urine.

In other Oklahoma news, an El Reno man with multiple personality disorder - and fake breasts, went missing this week. His name is Raymond Ligas, but also answers to "Becky".

More high school seniors report recreational use of tranquilizers or prescription narcotics, like OxyContin and Vicodin, than heroin and cocaine combined, the NYTimes discovered in Rush Limbaugh's home.

That's it for me. Keep coming back! Follow me on Twitter: Spencerlenox.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 15, 2011

T-H-U-R-S-D-A-Why? Because time is ceaseless, kiddos. It keeps on moving. As we all do. But we can still stop and enjoy a blog, right?

Okay. Here's something. A U.S. Airways mechanic stowed away on a recent flight in a part of the plane called the "Hell Hole," because it is not pressurized or heated during flight, and there's no oxygen. Apparently that's still preferable to sitting in the cabin....

In politics, Rep. Peter King, has been taking fire from groups upset about his congressional investigation into the danger of Muslims in America. He's surprised at the anger the investigation has caused, adding "it's getting really tough to be a racist in America."

The hacker group LulzSec opened a hack-request telephone line this week, so users can suggest targets for the group. That's right. A telephone line. Apparently their fax line is broken.

In St. Louis, the local Catholic church cancelled a fundraising event co-sponsored by Hooters, because the Catholic church would never recover from the scandal of being linked to adult women in skimpy outfits selling mediocre chicken wings. That's clearly the worst thing that could happen to them.

In Pakistan, the military arrested and interrogated five informants who sold out bin Laden to American intelligence agents. So, we're clearly on the same team here.

In Hollywood this year, the producers of the Oscars said they plan to nominate five to ten films for best picture. This is expected to put a huge strain on the motion picture industry, as they were only planning to make three good movies this year. Four, tops.

In Utah, a family was forced to move out of their new home after they discovered it was infested with thousands of snakes. Samuel L. Jackson has been contacted.

And lastly, this week a Seattle man suspended himself from a hot air balloon 2,800 feet in the air with ropes attached to piercings in his back. He said "it's better than U.S. Airways."

Okay, that's all for the week from me! Do come back again tomorrow and see what's up! And if you have a chance, try some fresh fruit!

Have a great day!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 15, 2011

What's got two thumbs and eight jokes? I don't know. READ THE BLOG!

I saw a headline today that said more adults are being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. That's about as far as I got in the story. Yeah, that's a crappy joke. So what?

In Japan, the government is giving school children devices to measure radiation. The devices are, by far, the creepiest thing that Hello Kitty! has ever made.

A report recently revealed that the majority of the guns used by Mexican drug cartels come from the United States. Finally, we're exporting something again!

Speaking of international relations, Defense Secretary Robert Gates urged patience in dealing with Pakistan. And by "patience" he meant "lots and lots of Hellfire missile strikes."

After "A Gay Girl In Damascus" turned out to be a 40 year old guy, yet another lesbian blogger called "Lez Get Real" turned out to be another man, confirming once again that every lesbian on the Internet is actually a middle-aged white dude.

Pandora, the popular Internet radio service, had their Initial Public Offering this week, and stock prices shot up to $16/share, proving there is money to be made off of people too lazy to steal their own music.

In California a man was sentenced to 30 years for stockpiling explosives in his home. In a related story, A&E just started filming the most exciting episode of Hoarders to date.

And last, sad news for Hugh Hefner, as his young fiancee Crystal Harris broke off their engagement just days before the wedding. I guess that means he's officially out of roofies.

Okay, that's that and I mean it. Let's make the rest of the day great, what do you say? Tell your friends, and come back tomorrow!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 14, 2011

Jokes commencing in three... two... one... zero... ten... nine... wait, what am I doing? Never mind.

In an attempt to apologize for his homophobic rant this past weekend, actor/nutjob Tracy Morgan said today that even if his son were gay, he'd still love him almost as much as he loves his career in Hollywood.

Casinos in Atlantic City are turning to SEX to attract business. They've got new strip clubs, new burlesque shows, and even an upcoming "naked circus." But they still won't allow you to play the slots without any pants on. Prudes. By the way, "naked circus" means the bear no longer wears his fez. It's pretty scandalous.

Hey, remember Andrew McCarthy, the star of such recent hits as Pretty in Pink and Weekend at Bernie's? Well, he is writing a new memoir. It's called For God's Sake: INVEST YOUR MONEY WISELY!

Speaking of movies, Harry Potter star Emma Watson recently said "I have had no control over my life" which means, obviously, that an evil wizard has bewitched her. Maybe Andrew McCarthy can help!

In sadder news, Harold Camping, the wacko who predicted the world would end last month, then corrected his prediction to put the apocalypse in October, had a stroke this weekend. Strangely enough, he predicted this stroke, but he thought it would be in January... spooky!

Yesterday, the Pentagon Papers were finally released in their entirety, nearly 40 years after they were initially leaked. Is it just me, or is the Pentagon really bad at stopping leaks?

In more sad news, Education Secretary Arne Duncan may issue waivers to educators to exempt certain children from the "No Child Left Behind" law, although sources confirm that it will only be "the really dumb and really ugly kids."

And lastly, the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City announced they will not be airing the new Playboy show on their station. The move surprised other stations, who were quick to ask "you mean we don't have to air these crappy shows they send us?! Oh, man! What a relief!"

Okay, that's all for today! Unless I post more on my Twitter feed later on in the day. What's the link? Well, that would be You should probably follow my tweets, just to be safe. <---Most ridiculous sentence I've written today that didn't involve Harry Potter.

You know, it's summer. You might want to have some fresh fruit today. Could be delicious. But whatever you decide, I hope you have a great day!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Welcome back to your week, you happy people! Wait, it's Monday. You can switch out "happy" in that sentence for whatever suits your fancy today. There, at least something is going your way.

Okay, here's something, I think. Musicians and nerds in Japan have created a completely synthetic pop-star named Hatsune Miku. She's completely fake, which has me wondering if she isn't a Simpson sister.

Speaking of fake, did you hear about "A Gay Girl in Damascus?" The popular blog told the story of a gay woman in Syria who was supposedly abducted by the authorities. After a massive Internet campaign demanding her release, the author of the blog, Tom MacMaster, came forward and admitted the hoax. It's a good thing Oprah already retired. MacMaster did apologize, though, for tricking people into caring about the middle-east.

In a related story, the U.S. State Department is preparing secret technological aid packages for dissidents to use to get information out when their governments start cracking down on protests and reform movements. Or, we could just quit selling tanks and guns to their dictators. You know, whichever is easiest, I guess.

Speaking of unlikely, Alaska released 24,000 pages of Sarah Palin's emails last week. Early reports indicate she was "surprised" to be chosen as the VP candidate in 2008. Of course, she strikes me as the kind of person to be surprised by toast popping up, so maybe that's not a great indicator. Also surprising: the number of emails discussing American Idol.

In Arizona, residents are being allowed back into their homes in the wake of the recent wildfires, or as Arizonans are calling them "that cold snap."

In New York, voters are staging anti-Weiner rallies. I'm sure there's a cheap Indigo Girls joke in there, but I won't make it. Instead, I'll just mention the rallies were headlined by Wanda Sykes and Teagan & Sara. BOOM! UPDATED!

In fashion news, country singer LeAnn Rimes got a new haircut this weekend, chopping off several inches from her hair. The singer explained "it was making me feel fat. Okay, I've gotta go do some crunches. Problem? No, I don't have body-issues! Why would you say that? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Seriously, someone's got to make her eat some donuts.

And lastly, friends and family of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords posted new photos of the smiling Congresswoman on Facebook. And not a single photo showed her genitals. Are you taking notes, Congress?

Okay, that's all for now. I can't believe there were two Weiner jokes. I'm as ashamed as you are. Okay, I've gotta go. Have a great day, and don't forget your sunblock!

Friday, June 10, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Rogaine is finally unscented!

Hey guys! Did you hear? Rogaine Foam is finally unscented. The letter writing campaign worked. Now, we can't rest on our laurels. We have to keep the momentum until every product out is unscented. Then the world will be safe from all the smell-blind people of the world.

Did you hear that Exxon Mobil discovered a 700 million barrel reserve of oil in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm guessing most of it is from the BP spill. Finders keepers!

96-year old woman confessed to murder she committed in 1946, authorities say she could go to jail for the rest of her life. Prison will probably be nicer than her nursing home.

A manure-like smell is permeating many parts of Grand Rapids, though officials at the city's water systems facility said a cause is elusive. I'm guessing this will have to be settled by the courts. The case will no doubt go down in history as Smelt It V. Dealt It.

The periodic table has grown by two boxes, as scientists have added a pair of manmade elements to the chart. The elements are known as Elements 114 and 116; their permanent names and symbols will be chosen later. Well, shit. Now I'll never memorize the periodic table.

Bill Kristol, a conservative journalist and Republican insider, says he hears that Rudy Guliani is poised to jump into the race for the 2012 Republican presidential. You know what they say; If at first you fail spectacularly, try, try again.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 9, 2011

It's Thursday. Isn't that funny? Wait, what I meant was "that isn't funny." How about these jokes?

In Arizona, wildfires are spreading across the state like, well, wildfires. Despite the large wildfire presence, though, public schools will still be prevented from teaching any wildfire history.

In music news, rapper Fat Joe, so known for his legendary fatness and the fact that he goes by the name "Joe," recently lost around 100 pounds! Congratulations, Not Quite As Fat As Before Joe!

The Iranian women's Olympic soccer team was disqualified this week for insisting on wearing headscarves during their games. Also because of the Jews. They were also disqualified by the Jews, right  Mahmoud? Yeah, this guy knows what I'm talking about.

In California, prison officials have done little to alleviate overcrowding as directed by the Supreme Court this year, and they risk violating the court's order. But come on... what if they don't do it? It's not like they're gonna get thrown in prison.

In Texas, a psychic detective took police on a wild goose chase to a supposed mass grave empty that turned out to be empty. Maybe there were a bunch of Jesuses in there, and they were just too late. Or maybe the PSYCHIC DETECTIVE IS A FRIGGIN' FRAUD! Either way, people were put in the awkward position of having to apologize for not finding a stash of human remains. Awk-ward...

In Basketball news, LeBron James was visibly upset by his team's performance in the NBA Final's Game Four this week. As a result, he'll be going on ESPN today to announce which team he will be playing for in Game Five. Oh, LeBron, you're kind of a douchebag.

Big privacy concern news with Facebook, again, as the completely voluntary website announced a new program that will be able to recognize faces in photographs uploaded by users, and tag people in possibly compromising situations. Pretty scary stuff, huh? Don't worry, though: they haven't perfected ass-recognition software, so moon away, America!

Lastly, a medical study this week showed that consuming five cups of coffee can make you hear voices. That's great news for lonely people, I suppose. Although, the voices mainly say things like "quit tapping your feet, already!"

Right, that's all for me. Come back for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll be here again on Monday! HOORAY! SUNBLOCK FOR EVERYONE!

Have a great day!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 8, 2011

Seriously, I'm done with banter. I won't even mention the new socks I got today. I won't talk about how they're both black and gray, nor will I mention the padding, stitching or elasticity. I also won't tweet any images of myself wearing the socks. Because that's been done to death. Okay, well, now is the time for jokes. Oh yeah, happy Wednesday.

Okay, nerds. Here's one for you. Sony is releasing 3D glasses for the Playstation 3. So now you can watch your identity get stolen in three dimensions!

So, the famous wrapper---excuse me, rapper---Eminem just released a new song where he slams Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga. The song is called "Hey, Remember Me? Eminem? Hey Guys!"

In other irrelevant news, President Obama's economic advisor Austan Goolsby is leaving the White House to take a teaching poisiton at the University of Chicago. He's looking forward to meeting the leaders of tomorrow, and giving them terrible economic advice. Fish gotta swim, right?

Speaking of fishy stories, television person Ann Curry will be taking over Meredith Viera on the Today show, proving once again that you don't have to be any good to succeed in life if you can just stick around long enough for everyone else to leave. Are you paying attention, kids?

In Zimbabwe, a homicide detective has been jailed for using Mugabe's toilet and faces a prison term of up to ten years for using the President's toilet. Well done, Zimbabwe! You're making great use of democracy.

Speaking of misusing your freedom, a university in Kyoto now offers students a Ph.D. in Manga, the popular Japanese comic book style. Even I think that's dorky, and I was once in a Renaissance Fair.

Pretend you don't know that.

Anyway, Kelly Bensimon, best known for her participation in Bravo's Real Housewives of New York City, recently posed for Playboy. The hardest part of the whole photo shoot was when the editors had to airbrush in some dignity. BOOM! Take THAT, person I've never met who is on a show I've never watched.

And lastly, a young woman in Florida was arrested yesterday for driving topless and drunk with a bag of marijuana sticking out of her purse. She was charged with one count of being nine months early for Spring Break.

Okay, that's the end of that. Come back tomorrow, okay? And tell your friends! Oh, and remember to use sunblock and have a great day!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2011

No banter today. Because I feel that it slows down the pace of the blog, and doesn't really add anything to the piece. It's just sort of there, like something you have to get through to get to the stuff you really wanted to see. The jokes, right? There's some of them here. And we'll get to them, but first I just wanted to reiterate how I felt about the banter, and how it is sometimes useless. I feel that banter is unnecessary in this day and age. Okay, let's have humor.

Plaxico Burress got out of prison yesterday. His right thigh has already applied for a restraining order.

Former Senator Rick Santorum announced he will be running for the GOP presidential nomination, which is awesome news for people who hate bigots and love the Google search engine. Santorum said he was "in it to win it," but I'd say his chances are pretty crappy. Seriously, Google this freak.

In political news, one of President Obama's nominees for the Federal Reserve, Nobel Laureate Peter Diamond, bowed out after facing stiff opposition from the GOP. Apparently there's a policy against hiring anyone who actually understands what the place is supposed to do. My gym is the same way.

Hey, have you heard about Lady Gaga? Her new album Born This Way was just banned from going on sale in Lebanon. Don't worry, you can still steal it on Limewire.

In France, television personalities will now cease mentioning Twitter or Facebook by name on the air, as it is considered to be an unfair advantage to those companies over smaller, startup social networking sites. Yep, that should even it up.

Speaking of staying even, Sarah Palin claims that she didn't mess up the history of Paul Revere in a recent interview. Of course, she's also claiming that she didn't mess up John McCain's 2008 campaign. So, there's that.

An auction this week brought in $200 for an old pair of Bernie Maddoff's underwear. The buyer was interested to see what kind of underpants you wear when you screw millions of people. Also, what he used to keep in that underwear just sold in prison for significantly less than $200.

And lastly, elder stateswoman of Hollywood Reese Witherspoon, went off on the new generation of starlets in Hollywood who use sex tapes and reality shows to get famous. She made this speech at the MTV Movie Awards, so good luck with that. In a follow up statement, she also demanded that all those kids get off her lawn. SHE'S OLD NOW!

Okay, that's it. See you on Wednesday! Remember your sunblock, friends, and have a great day!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - June 6, 2011

Good Monday to you all! This is going to be a great week. Possibly the greatest week. I've got nothing at all to back that up, other that my own misplaced optimism. That, and a fancy new pair of contact lenses. That's all you need, right? Oh, and jokes. Obviously you need jokes. Good thing I have some!

In medical freak-out news, a woman in Oregon woke up from dental surgery with a brand new European accent. The woman was clearly shocked, as she had neither been to Europe, nor had she been married to Guy Ritchie.

Keeping up with musical news, country music superstar Trace Adkins lost his home this weekend, as it burned to the ground before his eyes. On the plus side, though, there goes his writers' block.

In Malaysia, so-called "obedient wives" clubs are forming around the country to offer support and guidance to the country's wives. The clubs are emphasizing the importance of good sex in the marriage, going so far as to say that good sex is a wife's duty. And nothing in this world is as sexy as someone's duty. Oh, yeah. That is one sexy obligation...

Big news for robots this week, as a German robot was revealed to the press playing pool and hustling human players. This is a great breakthrough for scientists, who have previously been unable to create a robot that could develop a gambling addiction. Next, they're working on a machine that can shoot up methadone.

In other technological news, the miracle plane that landed safely in the Hudson river is on the move again, this time heading to a museum. No word if the geese will be going along, too.

The state of Alabama announced it will begin a severe crackdown on illegal immigrants in the state, which seems like an odd choice to me. Illegal immigrants are the only people who you can point to and say, "these people *WANT* to be Alabama! See, it can't be all bad!"

In other American news, wildfires in Arizona are threatening communities around the state. They haven't been blamed on illegal immigrants yet, but just wait. Jan Brewer will find a way to send these fires back to Mexico, where they belong!

And lastly, Nintendo announced their online player network had been hacked, just like PS3 network last month, but for half the price of the PS3 attack and with more intuitive user interface.

Don't know if I should have ended on such a nerdy note. Oh well, we'll have all week to get cool again. Keep coming back, keep telling your friends, and keep having a great day!

Friday, June 3, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Life's a garden, dig it?

Well well well. You're back again. Those are very lovely shoes you're wearing. What's that, why yes I did get a haircut. Very kind of you to notice.

The global war on drugs has "failed" according to a new report by a group of politicians and former world leaders. But really, what did you expect? It's never a good idea to be on drugs during war.

According to a "study" released by North Korea, N. Korean citizens are the happiest in the world. The study also places America in dead last. I guess capitalism IS evil.

Two F-16's were scrambled to escort a United Airlines flight after a fight broke out on board. What caused the fight? Two men arguing about the reclining seats. That, and they were arguing about Hanes new lie-flat undershirts.

A cold snap in Greenland in the 12th century may help explain why Viking settlers vanished from the island, scientists said on Monday. Confused, Brett Favre pledged $1 million to help.

Police in Arizona are accused of beating a man in a wheelchair for "trying to run away". Apparently these cops don't know the difference between a club and The Club.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 2, 2011

Holla! Welcome to your Thursday, everyone. It's almost over! Can you taste it? I don't know what it is, but it's exciting, right? Hey, speaking of exciting, yesterday was National Running Day. Newt Gingrich celebrated by tripping himself. Does that even make sense? Oh, who cares.


Google announced yesterday that someone had hacked into Gmail, stealing the personal data of thousands of users. Obviously Google is upset about this. After all, they worked hard to steal that personal data in the first place! Doesn't seem fair.

Big news from the world of celebrities you can't remember why you know: Kim Kardashian will be changing her name after she marries her fiance, Kris Humphries. She actually picked out her own new name: SVETLANA KARDASHIAN. She may have been unclear as to how this thing works. But she'll get it figured out, because she's so traditional.

In entertainment on purpose news, Patrick Dempsey announced that he will be leaving Grey's Anatomy at the end of this season. Apparently he's worried about being typecast as the guy who stars in crappy shows.

You know what else? In a recent interview looking back over his life, British rocker Ozzy Osbourne said"I'm very blessed." At least that's what we think he said.

In politics, Sarah Palin spent a night in nearby Jersey City during her NYC visit, apparently trying to convince herself not to run for any office that would put her in charge of fixing places like Jersey City.

In other political news, Rep. Anthony Weiner has come under fire for allegedly emailing a picture of his own crotch to a woman over Twitter. That's unfortunate for a guy with his name. To head off the flood of cheap jokes, he has temporarily changed his name to Penis Weiner. Don't worry, he'll figure it out.

In health news, a study by the World Health Organization found evidence that cell phones are carcinogenic. Does that mean we can finally get them barred from clubs and restaurants? Is there such a thing as second hand brain cancer?

Speaking of brain cancer, protestors from the famed and insaned Westboro Baptist Church were kept out of Arlington National Cemetery this weekend by... the KKK. Who are we supposed to root for in that conflict? That's like the Mavericks and the Heat in the NBA finals! No matter who comes out on top, a jerk has won.

And lastly, Google is launching a new service called "+1," that is an "homage" to Facebook's "Like" button. It's bound to be ridiculously popular, so long as Google promotes it with Google Buzz. It's the voice of the new generation.

Okay, that's it! Spencer's here tomorrow, Earnest is here Sunday, and you're here EVERY DAY! So make it a great day.

And don't forget your sunblock!