Friday, September 30, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: It's Friday... with me.

Oh, you guys only thought you were done learning. You ain't! I'm going to follow Seth's lead and tell you eight things you didn't know about the death of al-Qaeda operative Anwar al-Awlaki.

1. He spoke fluent and eloquent English after watching hours of the show, Veggie Tales.

2. He was a resident of America for many years before setting up shop in Yemen. He heard it was a nice place after watching an episode of Friends.

3. He wrote and received emails from U.S. Army Maj. Nidal Hasan, who is being tried for the murder of 13 people at Fort Hood in Texas. The emails were mostly cat videos and an occasional forward with pictures of tits.

4. He was very active on Facebook, but hated the new timeline.

5. He once farted in a crowded elevator and blamed it on an old lady.

6. His bucket list items without check marks: Own a puppy, get coffee enema with Janet Jackson, watch Bucket List, and try some of the new dipping sauces for the McNuggets.

7. He only had one iTunes playlist and it was filled with Enya and Veggie Tales songs. The playlist was titled, "Death to America".

8. He once tried and failed to eat a 72-ounce steak in an hour and had to pay for it. He cites this as the reason he hated capitalism.

Seth returns Monday! Love you guys.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 29, 2011

And so ends the week of learning. Wait, that's supposed to be at the end. Okay, well, just keep that in mind while I wrap this up. What are we doing? Oh, right. Here's the eight things you should know about the GOP primaries!

1. Florida will be holding its primary first so that Florida voters "can just tune out for the rest of the year."

2. Wisconsin's primary will be decided this year by a drinking contest.

3. All voters in the primaries this year will receive mandatory HPV vaccinations.

4. Mitt Romney is leading in the polls nationally. In last place: Mitt Romney from a year ago.

5. Rick Perry dropped in the poll numbers recently, a loss he attributes to "not executing anyone for a while."

6. National GOP leadership is trying to convince Michele Bachmann that the election will be held in 2013.

7. Newt Gingrich is running only because he lost a bet.

8. Rudy Giuliani will do as well this year as he did in 2008.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 28, 2011

Pull up a chair and commence to learnin' y'all. I don't know why I wrote that. Okay, continuing on in this week's in-depth coverage of stuff what matters, here's your Monday tip sheet on a Wednesday. It's the eight things you should know about the Occupy Wall Street protest!

1. The protest has now lasted longer than The Paul Reiser Show. Look out, Whitney!

2. Protestors occupying Wall Street were not initially greeted as liberators, but they still have a better exit strategy than Bush did.

3. Turns out lots of the police really love Goldmann Sachs.

4. Fox is planning to turn the protest into a reality competition show for mid-season: So You Think You Can Protest.

5. Filmmaker Michael Moore cheered protestors on Monday by visiting, and then leaving just before he became tiresome.

6. Keith Olbermann has had some great coverage of the protest on his new show on Current TV. Have you seen it? No? Yeah, me neither.

7. The protest won't be considered a success unless Rage Against the Machine reunites for a North American tour next summer.

8. Pretty sure I saw Warren Buffett leading the thing.

That's it for now. Learn more about the protest here and for a surprisingly thorough background in financial and economic inequalities in America, watch the closing credits to The Other Guys.

See you tomorrow!

Monday, September 26, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 27, 2011

Happy Tuesday! I had some Benadryl tonight, so I need to finish this befoer e;oahe; ks.

Okay, so here's 8 things you should know about the Congressional budget deal!

1. The plan includes sever funding cuts for FEMA; fortunately they have a rainy day fund.

2. The deal won't be passed this week, as the House is closed for Rosh Hashanah. Apparently the House of Representatives is part of Hollywood.

3. The proposed bill will keep the government running for the next six weeks, at which time surely all this partisan bickering will be over with.

4. The Senate initially rejected the deal due to their own internal split on the best way to destroy the country.

5. The cuts to FEMA will be balanced off with private funds, meaning that we will now have corporate branding for all future disasters. Get ready for Hurricane iPhone!

6. The plan includes a provision put in by Senate Republicans to garnish 100% of Harry Reid's lunch money, forever.

7. The congressional record of debate on this package now includes four hours of Mary Landrieu (D-LA) reciting "yo mamma" jokes directed toward Eric Cantor (R-VA).

8. The final deal includes $450 million to repair roads, but none that "poor people use."

That's all! Get yourself back here tomorrow, there will probably be more stuff like this waiting for you. That's all for now! Until then, have a great day!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - September 26, 2011

Happy Monday! Let's get the week started right: with a list of humorous observations about one topic. This week's topic is, of course, a very timely and important issue for our democracy. The new Facebook layout. Eight things you should know:

1. The new Facebook design will not make your status updates any more interesting. Please try to do something cooler with your life or start making things up.

2. Hidden deep within the new privacy policy are the phrases "Opposite Day" and "just kidding."

3. Blue triangles indicate your likely interest in stories as well as the level of contempt Facebook holds for your intellectual curiosity.

4. The new photostream layout does, in fact, make your ass look fat.

5. Realtime status updates show you how all your friends are wasting time on Facebook and not talking to you. Maybe the problem is you, after all.

6. The "People You May Know" box is being replaced with "People You Would Have Already Friended If You Liked Them, So Should Probably Block Before They Send You A Friend Request and it Gets Awkward" box.

7. Your page name is now a combination of your social security number and the name of your first pet. Oops.

8. In six months you'll think the new design is great.

Alright, I guess that's it. Look at that, an entire day on social networks and not a single Google+ joke. Must be slipping. Maybe there will be one tomorrow. Come back and see! Until then, make it a great day!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Oden's Witness Protection

Hey friends, what did you think of the sketch Bradchad Porter and I did with Seth? It was one of the first things we've done and is still one of my favorites. I really miss those days.

Did you hear that R.E.M. broke up this week? It's rumored that Michael Stipe has been seeing Yoko Ono.

A satellite with a decaying orbit is predicted to fall to Earth either today or sometime this weekend. If you're lucky enough to get struck by it you'll be able to watch C-SPAN every time you close your eyes!

Facebook revamped it's page, which was met with criticism from its users. And guess what? Facebook is still the best place on the internet to vent your criticism about Facebook.

Presidential contender Rick Santorum, has asked Google to take down the top search result of his name (which is now a slang term for a sexual by-product). Sorry Rick, but if they are going to leave Google+ up, you have no shot.

To help solve the budget crisis, the GOP is wanting to cut FEMA's budget. That seems like a poor solution. We at least need to figure out how to make the homosexuals stop causing earthquakes first.

The season premier of the FOX show GLEE was down 32% from last year. Looks like it took the rest of America a little longer to get sick of Jane Lynch that it did me.

Well, I have to go to a wedding tomorrow. Ladies, don't ever have your wedding during football season. You will only cause fights in the homes of your guests. So have a great weekend. Tell me what happens during the big game.



Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 22

Here's a sketch I did with some great people a few years back. It is not safe for work. I hope you enjoy it. It always makes me smile.

Click here if it doesn't work:

That's all for me! Spencer is in tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Thanks for watching!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 21, 2011

Hey, thanks Spencer for filling in yesterday. I heard a rumor about the perfect under... never mind. Best not to dwell on what might have been. But now I'm back, and this time, it's personal. Well, actually, it's pretty impersonal when you think about it. I mean, I'm not really telling you anything about myself. It's all pretty generic. Anybody could be telling these jokes. They would just have to pay me for them, and for others that I would surely write day after day. Hint. HINT. I assume that the 26 people reading this blog are all in the late night comedy writing business. Right? Anyway...

Rumors are circulating about a "major" redesign of Facebook in the near future because, according to a spokesman, "we haven't pissed users off in the last few weeks."

"Popular" web mail service apologized yesterday for sending an unknown number of emails about an upcoming Wall Street protest straight into users' SPAM folders. In Yahoo's defense, it was called the "Canad1an Pharmacy HUGE BOOBS buy g0ld protest."

U.S. attorneys alleged yesterday that Full Tilt Poker, a gambling website, was misusing money wagered by players. This startling news was revealed by the special Obvious Crimes Unit.

A London man stabbed for defending a pregnant woman and an elderly person from a youth gang said he had "no regrets" and would "do it again," before adding "well, everything but the 'getting stabbed' part. I'd probably dodge or something if I did it again."

Netflix announced late Sunday that they would be splitting their online streaming service and DVD rental service into two companies as part of their "earn less money" strategy. Did they just get bought by NBC?

Google opened the new Google+ service to all users this week, so now everyone can sign up for an account and then do absolutely nothing with it.

Did you watch the Charlie Sheen roast on Comedy Central Monday night? I decided to watch homeless guys fight over some stale bread because it made me feel slightly less horrible. Seriously, roasting Charlie Sheen right now is like standing by a cancer patient's bed and crackin' jokes while they refuse chemo. I heard Tyson was good, though.

And lastly, a study found that films depicting people smoking make young people more likely to smoke. Hollywood, are you listening? You know what you have to do: start making movies about people who pull their pants all the way up, listen to decent music and don't watch Jersey Shore. Use your power wisely!

That's all for now. Hope your Wednesday is glorious. See you tomorrow!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 20, 2011

Hey friends, Seth is taking the day off. Something about spending the day looking for "just the right boxer shorts." So I will be your guide for this monologue. Let's get started, shall we?

In a recent article, it suggests that producers steal scripts all the time. Really, Hollywood? If you're going to steal scripts, will you at least find something good?

In a recent interview, music legend Sting said, "I don't feel 60." But that is because Tantric sex has caused most of his extremities to go numb.

In a CNN poll 94% of Americans feel that members of Congress should get a pay cut as part of the effort to solve the debt crisis. The 6% were congressional pages ordered to keep voting in the poll.

Federal health authorities are confirming that four people have died in an outbreak of listeria traced to Colorado cantaloupes. Kids, when you can't elope, you die. (that was a terrible joke, I apologize for even writing that stupid pun)

Here is a headline I read on U.N. likely to confront poorer nations on obesity, diabetes. Or in other words, the U.N. wants to have a talk with America.

Here is another headline from Internet fee irritates hotel guests. These hotels just have to find someway to make these guest pay for porn.

Well kids, Seth will be back tomorrow. I hope you have a great Tuesday.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - September 19, 2011

There's only one Emmy joke in here. If that's what you came for, then you'll be disappointed. Just like the people who watched the Emmys, probably. Okay, let's get to it.

At the Emmys last night, Charlie Sheen made a surprise appearance, offering his support and well-wishes to his former show, Two and a Half Men. This can only mean one thing: LA's cocaine supply has been spiked with Prozac.

Singer and Twitter-survivor John Mayer canceled a series of concerts due to illness. Mayer said he was suffering from "something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma." Our medical experts inform us it's often caused by being a douchebag.

Did you hear about UBS and the rogue trader? The Swiss bank lost over $2.3billion this year, which is probably the most Nazi gold ever lost in a single year. Other than 1945, that is.

Egypt scheduled their first free elections for November 21st. Sarah Palin has denied that she's running.

Award-winning writer Aaron Sorkin broke his nose recently while working on a script. Apparently cocaine is a lot heavier than he remembered.

An exhibit of John Wayne film artifacts opened in NYC this month. You can see the eye patch he wore for True Grit and the thimble he wore for stunt work.

That's a dick joke. Two cocaine jokes and a Hollywood penis joke in one post? What is this, Perez Hilton?


In London, Paul McCartney married his third wife at the same venue where he married his first wife. Do they have a repeat customer discount?

And finally Tareq Salahi filed for divorce on Friday, saying that his wife is having an affair with the guitarist for Journey. Sucks when someone crashes your party, huh?

That's it. This hasn't been the smartest comedy I've ever written. Hope you still respect me, and come back for more high-minded satire tomorrow.

Till then, have a great day!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 15, 2011

Okay, enough of this sketch business. Today you get more written funny business. Mainly because I don't want to run out of sketches. But also because I had time to write these jokes. So, enjoy!

A study found the slowest download speeds in America are in Idaho. Serves them right, the stupid potato heads. Oh, don't worry. They'll never be able to read this site.

In New York, the Republican party took control of Former Congressman Anthony Weiner's seat. But his crotch remains, as always, totally out of control.

Elizabeth Warren, who had her appointment to the Consumer Protection Agency filibustered in Congress and who spent countless hours testifying before House and Senate committees, has decided to run for the Senate. It makes sense, though. After all, if she were a senator, she'd probably have to spend less time at the Senate than she does now.

A Dutch woman is facing stalking charges for calling a man 65,000 times in one year. But don't worry: it was the Verizon guy.

On the Internet, Perez Hilton is starting a website for celebrity families and the children of stars, because you're never too young to find out that strangers hate you.

The Broadway musical The Phantom of the Opera will soon turn 25 years old. In celebration, movie theaters across the country will host a broadcast of a live performance. Meanwhile, DVDs from the 2004 film adaptation are being shredded and turned into insulation.

In England, a former Toys R Us manager was found to have paid a hooker over $30,000 a week for her services. A judge is trying to help the store recoup some of those losses, but the hooker in question has a strict no return, no refund policy. Although she will offer store credit for unopened packages. What am I even talking about?!

And finally, the return of the NFL brought some much needed ratings to NBC, which has struggled in recent decades. Trying to capitalize on the resurgent popularity of the sport on television, look for NBC to work football into all their programs. First up: Ben Roethlisberger guest stars on a very special To Catch a Predator.

Okay, I'm done for the week. Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks-related fun. And I'll see you on Monday!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 14, 2011

Did you know that Wednesday has absolutely nothing to do with the name Wendy. That's true. The rest of this not.

The Algerian government decided to end state control of television in the country. They might change their mind after the first season of Bachelor Pad: Algiers.

In Baltimore, some of Archimedes' hidden writings are going on display. The recently recovered writings include the earliest known status update.

In Europe, a non-profit group is putting up 1million Euros to fund an open source version of the Windows operating system.  No word yet about how much money will be spent funding open source viruses.

Leila Lopes of Angola was crowned Miss Universe this month. Her first order of business: get the hell out of Angola.

In the literary world, a campaign is underway to save the hut that Roald Dahl wrote his most beloved works. Unless that hut had free wifi and a Starbucks, I'm not sure how he wrote anything there.

Have you heard of Comodohacker? No? Of course not, because he's a computer hacker. Anyway, this jerk Comodohacker bragged recently that he's broken into Windows servers, and can now issue fake Windows updates. Great. So now I've gotta waste even more time downloading updates? If I'd actually paid for my Microsoft products, I'd be pissed off right now.

In entertainment news, famed sensitive man Mel Gibson is set to direct and possibly act in an upcoming film about the Jewish historical icon Judah Maccabee. Hey, great job controlling the media, guys.

And finally, famed tele-jerk Jon Gosselin has some advice for his ex-wife, Kate, following her appearance in People magazine. He said... oh, let's just boil it down and translate it for her: don't marry douchebags. Got it?

Got it. Okay, that's all for now. You've been super great, everybody. I'll see you tomorrow, right?

Till then, have a great day!

Monday, September 12, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 13, 2011

Hey, it's Tuesday, which means last night was the first ever CNN/Tea Party Express GOP Presidential Debate in Florida. Why Florida? Why do you think, wise guy? A few crazy things happened, as you might expect. Here's a rundown.

Wolf Blitzer shared his moderating duties 50/50 with his beard.

Mitt Romney accused Governor Perry of flip-flopping on the issue of Social Security reform, citing passages from Perry's own book as evidence. Representative Bachmann then accused Romney of reading.

Yes, Governor Perry thinks Social Security is unconstitutional. But don't worry, he won't take it away. You see, Rick Perry actually likes lots of unconstitutional ideas.

Michele Bachmann criticized Perry for mandating the HPV vaccine, which is used to prevent the spread of the human paillomavirus in women. According to Bachmann, the virus is a living thing, and thus she will defend to her death it's right to live inside American vaginas as God intended.

At one point, Governor Huntsman accused the other candidates of scaring the American public, saying the GOP needs to find solutions if they are to stand any chance in 2012. His microphone was immediately turned off.

Leading up to the debate, Governor Perry wrote an editorial for USA Today in which he said "I am going to be honest with the American people," in a startling departure from his previous strategy.

Just before the debate, former candidate and Governor Tim Pawlenty formally endorsed Mitt Romney, saying oh who the hell cares? No, that's not his quote, that's me. Who gives a damn about Pawlenty?

And finally, lots of promises were made at the debate. Most notably, Governor Perry pledged to make government as inconsequential as possible. Frankly, electing Perry to any office is a great start in reducing the importance and effectiveness of that office. Maybe he'd like to take a turn judging for American Idol?

Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow for more, I friggin' dare you! Till then, have a great day!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - September 12, 2011

It's Monday, so get ready to learn something. Today we have some little-known facts about the United States Congress. You are constitutionally required to read this. But you don't have to like it.

The legislative supply list for U.S. Senators includes three spiral-bound notebooks, safety scissors and $400K in a PAC funded by Goldmann Sachs.

Representative Dingle opens each session of Congress with his trademarked "LET'S GET READY TO LEGISLAAAAAAAAAAATE!"

Senator Scott Brown, when recently pressed for details about his summer activities, broke into a full rendition of "Summer Lovin."

The Senate Judiciary Committee's first act was to toilet paper the Supreme Court.

Drafting is now closed for this season's fantasy legislation league.

Also, members of Congress are not allowed to bet on themselves in the annual scandal pool.

Three Representatives have been temporarily suspended for testing positive for anabolic steroids.

And finally, Congress has been busy this week building a decoy Capitol building to distract members of the tea party movement.

That's all the learning for now. Come back tomorrow for more jokes and stuff.

Till then, have a great day!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: WTF Building 7?

Hey guys, sorry I missed last weeks post. I was trying to figure out who brought down WTC building 7. Turns out, it was termites. So stop asking questions! Seriously, let it go. How are you enjoying the sketches that were written by Seth and then filmed by Oklahomans? They're pretty good huh... I was in one of them. Let's tell some jokes!

XXXChurch, a Christian anti-pornography group is setting up an "Alcoholics Anonymous" type group, based on the steps of AA to battle pornography addiction. So the Bible says Sarah was 90 when she gave birth to Isaac, but if I watch a geriatric conception film, I'm the one with the problem?

In other geriatric news, singer Neil Diamond announced that he is going to marry his manager. They plan to remain forever in blue jean one-sies.

Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani thinks he could beat President Barack Obama in an election. Really Giuliani? You sound like Uncle Rico.

Angry Bird, the hugely popular iPhone game, is now a theme park in China! Engineers say it won't be possible in America due to the lack of technology needed to sling our overweight citizenry.

New York woman kills boyfriend's dog using hair bands. Listen, dogs are very sensitive to Poison... and White Snake and Warrant. So be careful out there.

We are coming up on the anniversary of 9/11 and some groups are asking why radical Muslim's would visit Las Vegas 5 times before hijacking the planes. It's a simple answer, because they didn't have time to visit 6 times.

Have a great weekend friends.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 8, 2011

Another Thursday, another sketch. I'm pretty proud of this one, even if it does border on racism. Enjoy! Spencer provides hilarity tomorrow, and I'll be back next week. Until then, have a great day!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 7, 2011

Hey, everyone! You came back! Or came for the first time. Whatever. You're reading, and that's all that matters. And you've made it to the middle of the week. Can you taste the weekend? If you can, you should probably see a neurologist, because you're likely having some sort of gustatory hallucination. Look it up. You've got the Internet. And you've also got these jokes!

Filmmaker Sofia Coppola got married last month in southern Italy. Congratulations to her! Early buzz says that the wedding video is a real tour de force of understated emotional poignancy. I'm sure it's totally not unwatchable.

In other European celebrity news, Tom Jones cancelled a show in London citing "dehydration." Is there any chance that "dehydration" doesn't mean "drunk off his ass?"

In other musical news, pop provocateurs The Flaming Lips announced that the band is working on a six-hour song. The nations pot-dealers say they'll do their best to keep up.

Speaking of Phish, I mean pot, I mean Phish, the legendary jam band will soon be returning to Vermont for a concert to raise money for flood victims. And yes, a Phish concert in a flood zone is the closest most of the fans will come to bathing in the next six months.

Speaking of needing to wash it off, ABC named Ben Flajnik as the next "Bachelor" on the matchmaking show The Bachelor. Flajnik (pronounced "doosh-bag") said he's looking forward to meeting a bunch of women and falling in love with whoever the producers tell him to. Just like our grandparents did...

Regis Philbin announced that he will be leaving Live on November 18th. This corrected an earlier statement that he would be leaving Life on November 18th. That actually isn't scheduled until the end of January. Jay Leno has already started lobbying to replace him. Have I made that joke before? Oh, screw it.

Congress is back in session, finally, so get ready to watch our members of congress work together across party lines to find mutually beneficial answers to all of the nation's problems in Bizarro World. We're screwed.

And finally, Rudy Giuliani said that he will run for President "if things get desperate." Well, Rudy, I think you running for President defines "desperate," so... kinda trailed off there, petered out and didn't finish strong... oh, forget it.

Alright, that's all! Good times for all, right? Hope you enjoyed it. See you again tomorrow, right?!

Till then, have a great day!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 6, 2011

Hey, everybody! I hope your Tuesday is awesome. You know what's awesome? Locally-grown, pesticide-free produce. Just a thought. Eight more thoughts follow, but none as tasty as a farm fresh tomato. Enjoy.

The Postal Service announced a projected $5.5 billion budget deficit. Looks like the "Forever" stamps may be turning into the "While you still can" stamps. In a related story, there is no word yet on the solvency of Death Cab For Cutie.

In France, the trial for former President Chirac got underway without him being in attendance. Silvio Berlusconi asked if he could have the same deal, as his duties as Italian Prime Minister still require his undivided attention. And by "duties" he of course means "banging high-class call girls."

In Hollywood, Eddie Murphy is on the short list to host the next Oscars telecast. He's promised to uphold the storied tradition of the telecast: failing spectacularly and then blaming Bruce Vilanch.

Green Day frontman and Broadway participant Billie Joe Armstrong got kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight recently because his pants were too baggy. Apparently his pants were so low that the flight attendant could see his Dookie. What a Nimrod! Seriously, what kind of American Idiot can't pull up his pants? Kerplunk.

Meteorologists report that Hurricane Katia is intensifying in the Atlantic Ocean. This is terrible news for millions on the east coast who are just now recovering from last week's Hurricane Irene coverage.

Oprah Winfrey will be holding a live chat on Facebook this fall, as part of her plan to finally interview 500 million people at once.

Speaking of Facebook, a woman recently went out with a man she met on Facebook who then proceeded to rob an off-track betting house and forced her to serve as his getaway driver. Is this the world we've come to, where men no longer drive on first dates? For shame.

And finally, two Mexican school teachers are facing 30 years in prison for tweets they sent about a school kidnapping that turned out to be a hoax. Did anyone else think that sentence was going to end with "and a picture of their penises?"

And so it ends. Enjoy it or not, it still happened. Come back tomorrow, when more stuff will happen!

Till then, have a great day!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - September 5, 2011

Happy Labor Day! Are you heading to or coming back from the beach today, trying to wring all the final, golden moments out of the dying summer while you still can? If you are, please take heed of these helpful beachgoing tips, compiled by our summer fun experts.

1. When going to the beach, be sure to apply sunblock to your genitalia, just in case.

2. To get the most out of your time at the beach, poop in the ocean.

3. If you want to get a tan, it's best to make sure you're not Irish.

4. When listening to your radio at the beach, turn it up as loud as you can. There's some people out in the ocean who don't know you're a jerk.

5. Sure, getting hammered at the beach and passing out sounds like a good idea, so it probably is.

6. Picnicking at the beach is fun and easy. You just have to find people who aren't watching their stuff too closely.

7. Word to the wise: lifeguards probably won't save your life if you pick a knife fight on the beach. So do it in the ocean.

8. Salty ocean water is great for your skin. Evidence: no pirate ever had acne. Ergo, you should always use ocean water to shave.

9. Relax! More people are killed every year by vending machines than by sharks. But look out for sharks with vending machines on their backs.

10. FYI: Ladies at the beach love it when you stare at them.

11. Having trouble getting sand out of your shoes, clothes, car and house? Just remember, that sand will burn away if you get it hot enough.

12. After dark, the beach can be a dangerous place. Don't go there unless you absolutely have to dispose of the body immediately.

That's all. If you like these, then you should follow me on Twitter and Facebook. The real news resumes tomorrow. Until then, enjoy your day off (if you got one) and have a great day!