December 14, 2018: Guilty by (National Rifle) Association

Let's get to the jokes!

In justice news, a man who sexually assaulted a woman while on a commercial flight has been sentenced to nine years in prison, and another three years waiting in LaGuardia's security line.

Speaking of airlines, a human heart was recently found in the cabin on a Southwest flight. And you thought the guy eating a plate of salmon from "Chili's To-Go" was the most disgusting thing on your flight.

The state of California is exploring a plan to start taxing text messages. At first I was like "LOL srsly?" and then I was like "FML."

Kate Middleton recently shocked tourists who saw her driving herself into Buckingham Palace. Not sure why that's a big deal.

Just another day for the royals. 

Jennifer Aniston just revealed who it is that doesn't want a Friends reunion: people who own televisions.

Steph Curry reportedly doesn't think we landed on the Moon, so now I guess next year we should expect to see Joe Rogan join the Warriors' starting lineup.

Former judge (impeached) and failed Senate candidate Roy Moore, who was interviewed (and mercilessly mocked) on Sacha Baron Cohen's Who Is America? program, has claimed that the producers used fraud to gain his consent. Moore came to this conclusion after recently learning the word "consent."

Presidential "son" Donald Trump Jr. has revealed that his father, the President, is a "re-gifter." According to Junior, the President is always passing off stuff he doesn't want, kind of like the indictments he'll be passing along to his children for Christmas.

And now, let's get into this Russian spy stuff.

Maybe you've heard about "Maria Butina," and you thought "is that Alison Brie's character's stage name in GLOW?

Now shooting Season Three! Now shooting literally everything!

If only. Turns out she's a damn spy for the Russians.

Remember in Red Dawn when the Soviets invaded and the Brat Pack had to fight them off with their legally obtained and owned home arsenals of rifles and pistols? Well, thank God for the National Rifle Association, because without them and their protection of personal gun ownership rights, that movie wouldn't have made any sense. It would've just been an incoherent mess with no sense of history, international relations, or military reality.

Yeah, like that.

Yeah, like that.

But as they say, you either die a hero (Charlie Sheen in Red Dawn) or live long enough to become a villain (Charlie Sheen in everything since Red Dawn), because now we see that the great savior of American freedom, the NRA, was invaded and compromised by Butina, who just plead guilty to a bunch of espionage charges (Wolverines?) and now it looks like she used the NRA to funnel millions of dollars of Russian money into the 2016 election, in violation of US law. And no amount of shiny replacement phalluses will ever erase that stain on the NRA.

We've somehow dishonored the legacy of C. Thomas Howell and his pseudo-phallus.

Later!

April 26, 2017: What the fuck is happening?

Well. A little bit has transpired since last I wrote in this blog. It's like we're living in a weird alternate universe, like the place a sci-fi protagonist has to escape from to get back to the "real" reality. It's incredibly surreal, but we now live in a world where the Cubs won the World Series.

Some other shit happened, too, but past is merely prologue and the present is just a prolapse.

Here's some jokes.

In the opening shot of a new North American trade war, Taco Bell announced they will soon be selling beer in Canada. Unfortunately, to get the beer you will have to purchase Taco Bell. Canada was still reeling from the WTO ruling that the sale of Tim Horton's coffee was considered "dumping."

Scientists have created an artificial womb to help premature babies develop after birth. The device was based on research discovered at a defunct lab dedicated to finding new weird-ass places for Michael Jackson to sleep.

Failed CEO Marissa Mayer's stake in failed internet giant Yahoo is now valued at $186 million. But that's nothing compared to the stock options Pres. Trump will cash in when he sells us off.

Fast-casual restaurant chain Chipotle announced sales growth this year, and is exploring a new dessert option: Death By Chocolate. It's a departure from their previous after-dinner treat: Wish You Were Dead By Diarrhea.

Pres. Trump is re-evaluating how U.S. national monuments are created and how we can go about adding shitty golf courses to them.

China recently launched it's first domestically built aircraft carrier. The ship is a major coup for the Chinese manufacturing industry, which managed to build the entire thing out of old iPhone 6 parts.

Former Pres. Obama is in hot water with progressives after accepting $400,000 for a private speech to a Wall Street bank. They'd be even more pissed off if they knew that the speech was delivered via an unmanned drone strike.

The U.S. military is installing a "missile defense" system in South Korea in preparation for the upcoming Korean War II. Alan Alda is already at work on the M*A*S*H reboot.

The Trump administration has a record number of vacant positions, which is extremely frustrating for Russian spies.

Ivanka Trump was jeered in Germany for defending her father at a recent public meeting. And this is a nation that is still on board with David Hasselhoff's chest hair and leather shorts.

Pres. Trump is proposing changes to the tax law that would increase the number of deductions people can take. Some people accused Trump of self-dealing, but he will actually be unable to take advantage of the changes as they only apply to people who pay taxes.

Michael Flynn is hoping that Turkish Lira are going to be deductible. Or at least that they'll be accepted in the prison commissary.

/end

October 21, 2015: Sounds like a Blown Speaker

Hey, want to be Speaker of the House? No, you don't. Nobody does, but someone has to do it. It's like being a colorectal surgeon, except you get get to deal with 434 pains in the ass, and it's your own ass instead of someone else. Plus, you still have to pretend to hate ObamaCare even though you don't have a better idea and you're secretly so relieved that it's there.

What was I saying? Oh, right. It's a crap job, but someone has to do it. If only there was someone in Congress already used to taking on losing propositions and getting beaten up in the national media... maybe someone who made a name for himself as the sidekick to a failed presidential hopeful a few years ago.

Yep, Rep. Paul Ryan is quietly making it known that he may be willing to take on the worst job in Washington D.C. that doesn't involve the words, "crack," "whore," or "Assistant to Mr. Chuck Todd." But, before he gives up his plum position as Chair of the House Ways and Means Committee, Paul Ryan has a few conditions that must be met:

• GOP congressional caucus members shall refrain from making eye contact with Speaker Ryan on leg day, or during any exercise involving his glutes
• If asked, caucus members shall agree that Ryan could totally still be President someday
• Voting ties will be settled by arm-wrestling
• Roll-call will be replaced with arm-wrestling. You lose, you don't get to vote today
• Former Gov. Mitt Romney will not be allowed in the Capitol
• The "Freedom Caucus" will be renamed the "French Caucus"
• Rep. Boehner must remain in a holding cell under the Capitol building "for emergencies"
• Will only be Speaker until the party can unite behind one candidate they all truly love
• Will be allowed to be as drunk as he needs to be while performing any and all Speaker-related duties
• No more Eddie Munster jokes

God bless America and our flawlessly executed political system. See you "tomorrow!"

October 13, 2015: No Nudes is Good Nudes

Hey, where'd you guys go? Alright, back to some jokes.

Medical researchers are close to perfecting a new gene therapy that would allow for pig-to-human transplants. Great news for plastic surgery, obviously. Now you can have tusks grafted on, a curly tail added, or up to eight breast implants at once.

Citizens in Vanuatu are upset over a recent political scandal that ended with 13 government officials pardoning themselves of corruption charges. No word yet on their ongoing medical treatment for testicular elephantitis.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, which is terrible news for young women looking for sexual empowerment.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, and next year they'll just stop publishing altogether.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, but they will start offering scratch-n-sniff stickers.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, but they plan to increase the number of Georgia O'Keefe paintings they include in each issue.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, which is great news for pubic hair.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, except for tasteful shots of a naked Hugh Hefner getting out of his therapeutic bathtub.

In other good idea news, the U.S. will soon be airdropping ammunition into Syria. In all fairness, they had a lot leftover from when we dropped ammunition for the mujahideen in the 1980s.

A woman in Florida did something totally classy and reasonable recently. KIDDING! A Florida woman was arrested recently after driving drunk and broadcasting herself live on Periscope. After she was booked, the young woman was reportedly thrilled that she had at least one viewer.

In Prairie View, Texas, police are defending their decision to use a Taser on a city councilman who was attempting to intervene in police questioning his friend. In their defense, the cops say, the man in question was particularly black at the time of the incident.

And lastly, a young man was able to exploit a computer error this week and purchased the domain name "Google.com" for $12. But don't worry, they've totally got your credit card number on lockdown.

September 24, 2015: Let's See the Birther Certificate

Remember that guy who jacked up the price on a 62-year-old toxoplasmosis drug from $13.50 to $750 per pill? Yeah, Donald Trump just called him "disgusting" and "a disgrace," which may be a condemnation or an indication that Trump plans to hire him.

Speaking of Trump speaking, he also said that the birther movement started with Hillary Clinton. He went on to say it was her idea for him to start put his name on all his buildings in giant letters, say creepy things about how hot his daughter is, and to way over-use the word 'huge' in conversation.

The U.S. Department of Defense revealed that fingerprint files for 5.6 million people were stolen in a recent data breach. A spokesman for the Chinese government said "No, it wasn't nearly that many people," adding "I mean, 'no we didn't.'"

Here's something weird. The Dalai Lama said that he thinks it's possible for there to be a female Dalai Lama, although she would have to be "very, very attractive." It's possible he was confusing "Dalai Lama" with "meteorologist on a Spanish language morning show."

Or he's just fucking with us. When you've been reincarnated that many times, you probably develop all sorts of hyper-specific inside jokes that only your previous incarnations get. Kinda like reading this blog from the beginning.

Former University of Oklahoma football player Marcus Dupree revealed recently that when he was recruited by colleges in the early 1980s, one of them offered him an oil well as a signing bonus. Because everyone knows how much college kids love their oil wells. They'd much rather have some mineral rights than a shiny Corvette filled with hookers made out of cocaine. Duh.

Former penal colony Australia is set to deny entry to former singer Chris Brown over his history of violence. Australia, the country whose national bird is a punch in the teeth, has said "no" to Chris Brown. The continent where kangaroos and koalas get into bar fights, where the national anthem includes the sound of people spitting out their own broken teeth, where the Queen started her own chapter of Fight Club, has deemed Chris Brown an unacceptable risk. Well done, Australia.

Pope Francis is in the U.S., having not been deemed an unnecessarily violent threat to the peace. After addressing Congress, the Pope blew off an offer to lunch with Congressional leadership to instead eat with the homeless in DC, probably because the homeless aren't a bunch of assholes.

While in the States, Pope Francis is speaking out on climate change, poverty and the dangers of capitalism. And, he'll also show you some sweet kick moves for the next time you're playing Hacky Sack.

September 23, 2015: There's Nutella-ing What Some People Will Do

Sean Penn just sued Lee Daniels for implying that he is a spousal abuser, and Penn is reportedly furious. It's lucky for Daniels that he isn't a photographer.

That joke was for the old people.

Instagram now has over 400 million users and 40 billion photographs, and the company claims that only 35 billion of those photos are from brunch last week.

Speaking of pointless Internet photos, there is no truth to the rumor that more people die taking selfies than from shark attacks each year. Unless you count the people who die on the inside each time the camera steals part of their souls.

Los Angeles is pledging a $100 million increase in programs to help the city's homeless. It's a big departure from their previous plan: do nothing and wait for the homeless to leave once the city becomes completely uninhabitable, like Phoenix.

Also in LA, a 78-year-old man at Costco was punched in the face and hospitalized after confronting another shopper about taking all the Nutella waffle samples. Luckily this didn't occur over by the hunting knife samples.

There's no such thing as that, don't worry.

Leonardo DiCaprio announced that he will be selling off all his fossil fuel stocks investments, then encouraged others to follow his example. How about we follow your example and have some stocks and investments in the first place?

Congress is threatening to shut down the government again over funding for Planned Parenthood, though most observers suspect that Congress will terminate the effort before the end of the term.

And finally, Pope Francis has arrived in the U.S. for an official visit. Pollsters already have him in a dead heat with Hillary Clinton.

Good morning!

September 22, 2015: These Boots Were Made for Walker

Tennis star James Blake met with NYC Mayor Bill DeBlasio yesterday to discuss the NYPD officer who assaulted and tackled Blake recently outside his hotel. Blake said it was a productive meeting, and as a result he's been offered a position with the New York Giants, training Eli Manning in the proper way to go down when tackled.

Presidential hopeful Scott Walker dropped out of the race yesterday. Already the other candidates are fighting over his donor network, while Donald Trump laid claim to Walker's haircut.

Walker's departure comes just after Dr. Ben Carson announced he would never support a Muslim candidate for President unless he renounced sharia law. Coincidence? Or is Scott Walker secretly Muslim?!

Former hedge fund asshole Martin Shkreli just bought up the patent for a 62-year-old medicine used to treat AIDS complications, and jacked up the price from $13.50 to $750 per pill. The drug, Daraprim, is used by patients with compromised immune systems, like children, the elderly and AIDS patients, to fight off toxoplasmosis, an opportunistic parasite spread through feces, which also seems to be an accurate way to describe Mr. Shkreli.

Hillary Clinton is proposing a price cap on prescription drugs of $250 per month...
... because Bill's Viagra was breaking the bank.
... because she's in the pocket of the Big People Who Want To Continue Living lobby.
... so expect Walgreen's and CVS to start charging $400 for plastic pill bottles.
... but don't worry, heroin is not covered.

In other news, scientists have created a computer capable of passing high school geometry, but they still can't make one that is any good at talking to girls.

September 21, 2015: Litter-ally the Worst

Congrats to all the Emmy winners, specifically to HBO's Veep and Game of Thrones. One is a pessimistic examination of how human nature can be corrupted and compromised by the quest for power, and the other one has dragons and stuff.

In Colorado, a homeless man was sentenced to six months in prison for massive littering. In fact, he dumped over four tons of garbage in a national forest...
... Volunteers said the forest was more disgusting than Donald Trump hitting on his own daughter.
... It was the most heinous dump taken in Colorado since Alferd Packer got out of prison.
... and now Smokey the Bear has hepatitis.
... and at least half of it was the starting lineup for the Denver Nuggets.
... next, on the season premier of Outdoor Hoarders.
... So now Sesame Street will be going on hiatus until Oscar finishes serving the sentence.
... otherwise known as the Mile High Music Festival.
... so if your Coors Light tastes a little funny, that's probably why.

In other disgusting news, Ben Carson said that he could not support a Muslim for President, because the Qur'an is incompatible with the U.S. Constitution, adding "yeah, I know that sounds crazy, but it's at most the second craziest thing you're going to hear a presidential candidate say today."

Speaking of Trump saying crazy things, the latest (as of this joke being written), is that Mr. Trump doesn't accept that Pres. Obama was born in the U.S. and is not a Muslim. He can't accept those facts, but has no trouble believing:
... that thing on his head looks like human hair.
... putting your name on enough buildings will make your dick seem bigger.
... there's nothing hypocritical about decrying the use of cheap Mexican labor by American companies while simultaneously having his clothing line assembled in Mexico.
... people like him for who he is.

And one more: Hillary Clinton said that Donald Trump's hair looks like Dairy Queen soft serve ice cream, and now she's being sued by Dairy Queen.

Speaking of Hillary Clinton, she made some news recently for dancing with supporters on a rope line in New Hampshire. The dancing turned a little competitive, with Sec. Clinton eventually yelling in a supporter's face: YOU GOT SERVERED! It was almost as awkward as the last two years of her husband's presidency.

Later, gators!

September 18, 2015: Yeah, It Cuts Like 3,500 Knives

The CNN GOP Presidential debate this week spurred the network's highest ratings ever, which is amazing considering that the whole program was just a super-long episode of A&E's Intervention.

European countries are locking down their borders to slow the flow of immigrants and asylum-seekers, saying that their countries just can't handle all the extra people, and that taking in so many expats would do irreparable harm to the European Union. After all, look what happened to so many African nations that took in a bunch of Europeans back in the 1800s. Those places are fucked now.

Speaking of refugees, a refugee in Hungary was just offered a job coaching football (European version) in Spain. He was seen in a viral video last week being tripped by a reporter and falling over as he ran. Presumably he won the role after his fall earned a red card for the reporter.

Japanese lawmakers debated new legislation to reinterpret the nation's post-World War II pacifist constitution and allow Japanese forces to fight overseas once more. The debate about Japan's pacifism devolved into a physical brawl among the legislators, so looks like everything is going to be fine.

Incidentally, they passed new tax credits for irony with no opposition.

The U.S. Navy has agreed to new conditions on sonar usage in the Pacific Ocean, specifically to limit the harm done by sonar to blue whale populations. Apparently whale populations have taken a hit in recent years because Navy sonar systems use the same frequencies as the whale version of Tinder.

Police in Florida arrested a 47-year-old woman for parole violations, and found her in possession of over 3,500 various swords, hatchets, knives, axes and other edged weapons in her trailer home. She was charged with one count of assaulting an officer and 3,500 counts of "being exactly what the other 49 states think of Florida."

Following news that actor/comedian Steve Rannazzisi lied about being a 9/11 survivor, Buffalo Wild Wings dropped Rannazzisi as their company spokesman. Fortunately he's found work representing diarrhea, so it's a lateral move.

And finally, Internet star Andy George spent a year and $1,500 to make one sandwich from scratch, which is actually not a bad deal when you consider how much the average man spends on finding and keeping a girlfriend.

Have a great weekend!

September 17, 2015: It's All Whataburger Under the Bridge

In Texas yesterday a 14-year-old kid was arrested for bringing a science project to school. Before you jump to any conclusions and start praising our nation's nerd-shaming capabilities, you should know that the school cops thought the project was a bomb, possibly because the kid's name is Ahmed Mohamed. Sure, this sounds bad, and it makes our country look bad, but at least they didn't shoot the kid. Silver lining, America.

In other Texas news, a north Texas Whataburger employee was fired after refusing to serve burgers to two officers. What's really sad about this story is that the employee was actually trying to protect the officers. Well, trying to protect their colons, anyway.

Speaking of total colons, Tom Brady just announced his support for Donald Trump in the presidential elections. We get it, Tom: you're a villain now. There hasn't been a face/heel turn so blatant since the great wrestler King Karl reinvented himself as Heinrich the Orphan-Kicker.

Oh, also: Tom Brady likes Donald Trump something something something because he's full of hot air or whatever.

In the run-up to the GOP debate last night, President Obama said there was nothing patriotic about "talking down America" to score points with voters. He got pretty intense about it, but you should hear how angry he gets when people starting talkin' smack about Kenya.

In other international news, Hungary started using tear gas and water cannons to fight back expats trying to get through a razor-wire fence and minefields in order to seek asylum in Serbia. Pretty sure that if the razor-wire, landmines, and Serbia don't deter you, a little water and tear gas won't make much difference.

In news of how American intervention in the middle east is always a good thing: a top US commander just confirmed that only four or five of the Pentagon-trained fighters are in Syria right now. That's not even enough fighters for an Expendables sequel. Although in this case, it's clear that they are far more expendable to the US than anyone in those films.

Researchers from Dartmouth uncovered evidence that rising temperatures in the arctic are disproportionately benefiting mosquitoes, which leads to the inevitable conclusion that the GOP is in the pocket of the big mosquito lobby. Bunch of bloodsuckers.

And finally, the Olive Garden is back in the news with their Pasta Pass, a $100 card that allows guests to eat as much pasta as they can for seven weeks. An employee at a north Texas location was just fired for refusing to sell passes to two cops.

Also, the Pasta Pass comes with complimentary Rohypnol, so you can dose yourself at the start of the meal and blackout all the shameful things you are about to do.

That's it! Now go forth and do shameful things.

September 16, 2015: Ask Not For Whom the Taco Bell Tolls, it Tolls for Last Call

Tonight brings the second Republican Presidential Debate, and expectations are high for front-runner Donald Trump. He recently expanded his "Everything You Like and None of the Stuff You Hate" platform, which has been winning over GOP voters tired of being pandered to by politicians. They are really excited about being pandered to by a real estate developer for a while.

Former Gov. Jeb Bush unveiled his new Spanish-language political ad. It's quite an accomplishment for the candidate, proving that he has what it takes to be incredibly boring in two languages at once.

In Way Back Wednesday news, Carly Fiorina's old company, Hewlett Packard, honored the former CEO this week with one of her favorite activities: firing 30,000 employees.

In other Presidential Hopeless news, Gov. Bobby Jindal said yesterday that "Trump is a madman who must be stopped." Although it's not clear if that was an official statement, or an excerpt from Jindal's 24 fan-fic.

Admit it: you'd read that if it really existed.

Snapchat may soon allow users to replay deleted messages, for a cost. Representatives from the Clinton campaign have inquired about the price to make sure messages stay deleted.

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos announced plans to build and launch rockets from Florida, because he takes Prime Shipping seriously.

Also, he's probably a James Bond-style supervillain, blah blah blah.

Archaeologists have discovered evidence that ancient paleolithic humans ate oatmeal. They also discovered that even ancient paleolithic humans were sick and tired of hearing about the Paleo Diet.

Speaking of regrettable food choices, Taco Bell is opening a new cantina-style restaurant, with an upscale menu, alcohol, and more elegant dining rooms. It's all part of a new push by the company to offer visitors the chance to have a classier diarrhea experience.

Also, you can now get a frozen drink that mixes Mountain Dew drink with rum, tequila or vodka. It used to be you could only find that kind of beverage in the freshman dorms at Florida State.

Order up!

September 15, 2015: Good, Clean Fun (Unless You're a Refugee)

Over the weekend, Germany instituted stricter border controls to manage the influx of refugees from Austria. They had to bring out the riot police they normally keep in reserve for crowd control at David Hasslehoff concerts.

Yes, I made a Germans-love-David-Hasslehoff joke in 2015. No refunds.

Officials in Munich were concerned about the vast number of refugees relocated to their city. Violence, overflowing sewers, irritatingly loud ethnic music... the refugees had better leave quickly, or they'll be forced to endure all that and more during Oktoberfest.

Speaking of parties, Playboy just released its list of top US party schools, a vital tool for high school students looking to apply to the nation's best programs for pharmaceutical reps.

Nintendo picked a new president yesterday, Tatsumi Kimishima, who was praised by the board for his vision, energy, and ability to punch bricks so hard with his bare hands that coins fly out. Also, he's got the Triforce, so he can do pretty much whatever he wants now.

Kids are getting drunk off of alcohol-based hand sanitizers, according to poison control centers across the country. Still, they're probably better off than the kids in the 90s who had to drink Zima.

China announced plans to visit the dark side of the Moon, sparking a huge upsurge in applications to the country's space program after it was made known that the Moon currently has no smog. Or they're looking forward being the first humans to ever be in a traffic jam on the Moon. You pick.

The IRS says it will no longer accept checks of $100 million or more. But good news! If you have a tax bill of 100 million dollars or more, you're probably going to just spend that money on lobbyists to create loopholes so you don't have to pay anything at all cough cough Apple cough cough.

And finally, Jaguar announced their first ever official off-road vehicle. I say "official," because as any rock-star or Kelsey Grammer knows, any car can be an off-road vehicle if you drink enough.

And on with the show.

September 14, 2015: It'll be a Coldplay in Hell before Kim Davis does her job

After a brief hiatus, here we are again.

Popular UK band Coldplay made a surprise visit to India to shoot a new music video. This is a vast improvement over previous "surprise visits" to India from the UK that involved shooting.

Speaking of India, Prime Minister Narendra Modi will be joining Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg for a Q&A session about "how communities can work together to address social and economic challenges." Also, Modi will be asking how he can uninstall Facebook Messenger.

In other tech news, Google just hired the former Hyundai CEO John Krafcik to run their self-driving car division. It should be a perfect fit for Krafcik, who has plenty of experience with cars no one wants to drive.

Archaeologists have uncovered 10,000-year-old stone tools in Seattle. Scientists speculate that the tools were used to make primitive lattes. Or flannel. Whichever punchline you prefer.

Also in Seattle, schools will be closed again today for the fourth day of an ongoing teacher strike. Parents are scrambling to find daycare solutions, and may be forced to take their kids to the office. By which I mean Starbucks. If this strike goes on much longer, it could be a huge blow to the Poorly-Written Novels and Screenplays industry.

A recent Washington Post-ABC poll found that Hillary Clinton is losing support among white women. Thankfully, white women's support for Shonda Rhimes is at an all-time high.

Embattled county clerk Kim Davis will be back at work today following her imprisonment for being held in contempt of court. Rumor has it she will continue to defy the federal court order and return to prison, hoping for her own prison reality show: Orange is the New Bigot.

Have a great day! See you tomorrow?

Tuesday Morning Monologue: November 26, 2013

Astronomers said that if the comet designated ISON can survive a trip around the sun, it will put on a brilliant show for us here on Earth, unlike anything seen for a generation. NBC has already pledged to find a way to cancel it.

News out of Geneva today, the deal to limit a Iran's nuclear program fell apart after the Iranian delegation demanded the U.S. build a website to monitor the agreement.

Derek Rose is out for the season after a recent knee injury. He's looking forward to using his new found free time to try and sign up for Obamacare.

Kobe Bryant just signed a deal for $328 million. It was great news for the people who represent him in court.

Fans of Family Guy were outraged this weekend over the death of a beloved character on the show. But they're totally fine with setting the same three jokes over and over for 13 years.

At the Vatican, Vladimir Putin kissed an ancient icon of the Madonna. Unconfirmed reports indicate he may have gone for a standing double. And his shirt was off.

Completely insane weather hit the country just in time for people to have something to awkwardly talk about with their families at Thanksgiving.

A new report indicates that U.S. methane output is 50% higher than previously thought. "That's a bunch of bull shit," said skeptics and supporters.

Cheers!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2013

Big Hollywood news this week: The Entourage movie is officially happening! In a related story, God appears to have died.

In England, a woman attempting to purchase a ticket for a flight to Granada ended up flying instead to Grenada. In a related story, Grenada and Granada are not the same place. Who knew?

Electronics giant Samsung vowed to make more mobile telephones that work with their new Gear system. Meanwhile, BlackBerry vowed to make more mobile telephones that work.

Germany has demanded that the NSA stop spying on them, which is unfortunate, because the NSA has just now developed a tolerance for seeing all the weird shit Germany gets up to when they think no one is watching.

In Egypt, a top kung fu athlete had his gold medal stripped after expressing support for ousted Egyptian leader Morsi. Great, so now who's going to be on the Egyptian Wheaties box?

Rapper Chris Brown was arrested in D.C. on felony assault charges because he's run out of new ideas.

Brittany Spears songs are being used to repel pirates at sea, which is also why you never saw pirates in gay bars in the mid-2000s.

And finally, rapper Jay-Z was horrified to learn that the staff at Barney's in New York recently harassed a young African American male, because there is a stereotype that African Americans don't like to spend that much money on ridiculous high-fashion crap. Jay-Z, for his part, is attempting to fight that stereotype by buying up all the crazy shit he can find at overpriced crap-holes like Barney's.

Sponshorships are still available!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 8, 2013

Did I miss anything?

Good news for Greece! Economic analysts predict that Greece is about to end their six-year recession and see some actual economic growth. Thankfully, they've offered to send us some economic ad visors.

Bad stock market news. Futures took a big hit this week when investors started to contemplate the future of the economy.

Beverly Hills 90210 stars Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling are reuniting for an ABC Family pilot. It's new ground for both of them, as they'll be playing women in their early twenties.

The Treasury Department just released new $100 bills into circulation. Maybe someday someone will get to see one.

The Turkey Hill ice cream company just issued a recall for three of their flavors because they may contain metal shavings. And they're rethinking the roll-out of their new Strawberries and Broken Glass flavor.

A nine year-old boy was caught stowing away on a flight from Minneapolis to Las Vegas. So, looks like someone won't be eloping after all.

In his last address to stockholders, outgoing Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer said the company's best days are ahead of it, making Steve Ballmer the latest person to publicly say that Steve Ballmer sucks.

And finally, three doctors won the Nobel Prize for Medicine this week for their work on explaining how molecules move around within cells. Another Nobel Prize will be be awarded this week for someone who can explain that last sentence.

And that's it.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 24, 2013

Mumford & Sons announced they'll be taking a break from music to get back to their first passions: subsistence farming and drinking moonshine under the stars.

In Thailand, two men are facing prison after taking a picture of pop star Rihanna with an endangered primate. So in the E! True Hollywood Story of Rihanna's life, just so we're all clear, *this* is the moment when someone in her life might have to do hard time.

In Sydney, a Qantas flight was delayed after a single Mandarin Rat Snake was discovered on the plane. Apparently his visa was not in order.

The Volkswagen van is finally being "retired," unlike the people who drive VW vans. They're not retired, they're just hippies.

Sewer operators across the country are spreading the word that flushing hand wipes and paper towels down the toilet will lead to clogs and problems with the sewer systems. So, just as a reminder, the only things that can go down the toilet are waste, toilet paper, and the economy when John Boehner is around.

In Egypt, a high court has suspended all activities of The Muslim Brotherhood, including the new magazine "The Muslim Brotherhood's Highlights for Kids." That thing is full of activities.

The San Francisco 49ers just lost star linebacker Aldon Smith to injuries, perhaps for the rest of the season. A representative from the team said they will just have to find a way to not get to the playoffs without him.

And finally, parents are trying to find ways to break their children's addiction to smartphones, but no one seems to have the answer. It seems pretty obvious, though. Make them get a job and then set up the phone to get work emails. They'll throw that thing in a river ASAP.

That's all. Whatever.

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 19, 2013

Rumors are swirling that Research In Motion will be laying off several hundred workers in the coming months. Bad news for the workers, but at least now they won't have to use BlackBerrys.

A woman in China was rescued yesterday after 15 days trapped in an abandoned well. She said it was great to finally have some time to herself.

Financial observers in the UK are concerned that as national central banks age, they could weaken, leading to uncontrolled fluctuations in interest rates. Also, they suspect the banks will develop a bunch of crazy ear hair.

Toyota is moving a plant to Russia to begin making RAV4 SUVs for the Russian market because of the truck's incredible popularity. It could have something to do with the fact that the seats are covered in Yankee blue jeans.

Researchers have found evidence that botox injections into the bladder may help with incontinence. Also, it makes your bladder way sexier.

LinkedIn is mounting a legal challenge to government requests for data, although they've pledged that this will in no way prevent them from sending you a bunch of emails about people you barely know.

Walgreen's will be moving away from providing health insurance for their employees, instead sending them to the new insurance exchanges. At the heart of the issue, according to the company, was their inability to keep up with the insane cost of prescription medications.

And finally, Starbucks is banning weapons from their coffee houses across the country. It's part of their new "don't shoot us" strategy. So now you can feel comfortable ordering an extra shot.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 10, 2013

In London, Secretary of State Kerry accidentally blurted out that Syria could avoid a military strike from the U.S. if they would surrender their stockpiles of chemical weapons to the U.N. within one week. A representative from the Assad government was quick to praise the idea, adding "we're almost done with them anyway!"

In a related story, the State Department walked back Kerry's comments, saying the Secretary was not authorized to speak rationally.

In Florida, George Zimmerman was not arrested yesterday after his wife called 911 to report him for threatening her and her father with a gun. Zimmerman was questioned and released without any charges filed. As a result, his wife is now afraid to eat Skittles.

In Boulder, Colorado, a man was arrested for taking a drunken horse ride through town. The horse was under the legal limit, though, so he was released by police at the scene.

PayPal now offers a hands-free way to pay for things in person, using an app on your phone. In other news: DON'T EVER LOSE YOUR PHONE.

Google announced it would add embedded posts and author attribution to its Google+ social network. They will not, however, be adding a reason to use it.

The Neiman Marcus department store chain just sold to a private venture capital firm. I hope they're happy with the purchase, because that store's return policy is a nightmare.

And finally, the Sheriff's Department in Detroit announced the capture of a convict who escaped custody after stabbing a prison guard with a comb. They were never really worried, because if there's one thing the last 20 years have taught us, it's that nobody escapes Detroit.

And that's all!

Monday Morning Monologue - September 9, 2013

A man in Texas thought his friends were pranking him he reached into a beer cooler and pulled out a snake. Turns out it was just hot enough in Texas that a cold-blooded reptile needed to get out of the heat. For his part, the man was a good sport. He said the snake had a full-bodied flavor, but was a bit too hoppy for his taste.

Time Warner announced they would be moving their retired personnel off of the company health plan and instead provide the retirees with vouchers to go purchase health insurance on the open market. First they take CBS off the air and now this. Is there anything Time Warner won't do to dick over old people?

In Moscow, early reports indicate that Sergei Sobyanin, a close ally of Vladimir Putin, is likely to win the mayoral race. Probably because it's too cold to tweet pictures of your dick in Russia. However, a challenger, and vocal critic of Putin, claims he will be able to force a runoff. When Putin was asked for comment he said "'Force?' 'Runoff?' He forgot the words "my car to" and "cliff" in that sentence."

A new Prime Minister is set to take office in Australia. The conservative challenger won in a landslide, meaning that he survived a landslide in order to win the job. They do things differently in Australia.

South Korea is banning Japanese fish from their markets over the continued presence of radiation from the Fukushima power plant. Many South Koreans were upset, as they'd become accustomed to the convenience of self-cooking fish.

A new report came out this weekend that the NSA is able to access almost all smartphone data, which is how they've cornered the market in dick-pics.

Two dick-pic jokes in one day? I regret nothing.

In England, Prince Andrew was recently stopped and challenged by police outside Buckingham Palace (not where Lindsay Buckingham lives) because they didn't recognize him. Police eventually apologized, and to his credit Prince Andrew said he was grateful for the apology. He was also grateful to not be a young black or latino man in New York.

And finally, meteorologists are tracking a new tropical depressing in the Atlantic Ocean. It's over by the UK now, so expect it to get downright suicidal before heading towards America and where it will be calmed by all the Prozac from sewers on the East Coast. Circle of life.

And that's all.