Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - November 29, 2012

In Asia, a man walked 5,000 miles using Google Maps as his only guide. In a related story, another man attempted the same trek with Apple Maps and died of exhaustion after walking in a circle for a week straight. His goal was to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.

CNN is looking to rehabilitate their brand, and reached out to Jeffrey Zucker recently to lead the company. So, apparently CNN never pays attention to entertainment news. In a related story, Jay Leno will be taking over Anderson Cooper 360.

In Brussels, angry farmers protested falling milk prices by spraying milk all over police protecting the EU Parliament. In a related story, a group of male porn stars were preemptively denied a permit to protest their working conditions.

Germany is pushing forward anti-bestiality legislation. In a related story, IT'S STILL LEGAL TO HAVE SEX WITH ANIMALS IN GERMANY.

In Egypt, crowds are beginning to protest President Morsi for taking emergency powers recently. It's great news for people who didn't get a chance to protest the last time. Also, no one is surprised.

The U.K. representative to the U.N. said that the country will sit out the upcoming vote on Palestinian statehood, citing the horrible outcome the last time they played that game in the region.

In Rome, a protective barrier has been set up around the Coliseum, to keep people from being hit by falling stones from the ancient structure. Sadly, it looks like this will be the end of a millennia-long tradition of killing people there.

In Israel, many young people are protesting against circumcision. They're being real schmucks about it.

And that's the end.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 28, 2012

U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice met with Senate Republicans today in an attempt to defuse concerns they have about her potential appointment as Secretary of State. The Senators came out of the closed-door meeting more disturbed than before. What could have been discussed? Rumored topics include:
  • Upcoming plotlines for American Horror Story
  • Demographic trends in American swing-states
  • The contents of Twinkie filling
  • Gay dudes
  • Grover Norquist's surprise birthday party
  • Popular modern music
  • My Little Pony fanfic
  • The fact that people may have absorbed their own twin in the uterus, and that fetus may still be stuck inside their body somewhere. Sweet dreams!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 27, 2012

A Scottish study found that having more friends on Facebook led to more stress. "Scotland: Home of the Downer."

U.S. federal mediators have joined the negotiations between NHL owners and players. They're replacing the Canadian Mounties.

It turns out that musician Andrew W.K. will not be serving as a cultural ambassador to Bahrain. Apparently we just wanted to scare them.

Boeing announced that more work is needed before unveiling their new stretch 787 jet. Most notably, they haven't figured out how to put spinners on the wheels.

In British Columbia, an elderly couple fended off an attack from the most humiliated bear in history.

Chrysler is debuting a new "glam" version of their classic Town & Country minivan. Good news, the vehicle also serves as birth control.

Medical tourism is booming in Costa Rica. It's especially popular with people who said they needed another trip to Disney World like they needed a hole in the head.

And finally, shredded but still readable documents from the NYPD wound up in confetti used at the Macy's parade in New York City. "This is the second most embarrassing moment in NYPD history," said the cop arrested for planning to kidnap and eat women.


Sunday, November 25, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - November 26, 2012

TNT announced Dallas will continue, despite the death of Larry Hagman, because not everything can be allowed to die with dignity.

Scientists at NASA are using the Martian rover Curiosity to track a giant storm on the red planet. They're really excited to be studying a storm not caused by climate change.

It's Cyber Monday today, which means a lot of people will typing one-handed.

Samsung announced the new Galaxy Note II has moved over five million units worldwide. Apple filed suit, saying that they patented moving five million units worldwide. Also, I think I may have done this joke before.

China landed its first jet on an aircraft carrier this weekend. It would have happened sooner, but the jet was operated by United Airlines.

Palestinian leaders said that rebuilding the Gaza Strip after Israeli bombing will be swift. In a related story, could we get New Orleans declared part of the Gaza Strip?

Oprah Winfrey is trying to woo a younger audience to her magazine, which would explain why this year's Favorite Things included "irony" and "you know, stuff." Damn kids and their music.

And finally, a camel broke free from a circus in Glendale, California, and ran wild in the streets. But it didn't get too far, thanks to the traffic.

Sorry, camel! No freedom and dignity for you!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 20, 2012

Bad news in Afghanistan. The opium harvest is down by a third. Farmers would be more upset, but they still have two thirds of the opium, so...

They're getting high.

XBOX Live is offering new a la carte karaoke songs this holiday season, just in case you thought you might have a pleasant evening.

The Church of England ruled against accepting female bishops yesterday. It's a tough break for the makers of cassock skirts.

Look it up.

A new report on climate change revealed that if you're 27 or younger, you've never lived through a colder than average month. You've also probably never watched a Steven Spielberg movie without irony.

Firefox adds Facebook integration to its new browser, because screw productivity.

We need to make a correction to earlier piece about Rep. Allan West (R-FL) conceding his House race, being a great big huge douchebag loser, and generally being the type of man who tries to make out with farm animals. We were incorrect. His first name is actually spelled "Allen." Our apologies.

Medical research indicates that there's no increase in heart disease for people who survive e. coli food poisoning, probably because they've puked their hearts out.

And lastly, the NTSB just ditched the BlackBerry smartphone because it has been "failing both at inopportune times and at an unacceptable rate." They've decided to go with the iPhone, because it fails at an acceptable rate. Good to know that the NTSB is using Apple's new Maps application.

Might I suggest you stay home this holiday season?

Monday, November 19, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 20, 2012 just named "bluster" the word of the year for 2012, but only because they're too classy to go with "bullshit."

Teens are increasingly using protein shakes to bulk up, a recent study found. At least they've stopped drinking Zima.

Hack group Anonymous declared cyber war on Israel this week, which is terrible news for Israel's World of Warcraft characters.

Credit rating dickheads Moody's just lowered France's credit rating from Aaa to Aa1. But that credit score can be fixed with "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start."

Scientists have found evidence that great apes go through midlife crisis, like humans, which would explain the thriving market for ape toupes.

At the urging of a Judge presiding over the bankruptcy of Hostess, management and the Bakers Union agreed to enter into mediation. "So close," said a spokesman for the American Medical Association.

NHL management and the players union are talking again for first time in eight days, mainly to remind people that they're still there.

And finally, an appeals court rejected Hobby Lobby's claim to an exemption for providing contraceptive insurance. Apparently, selling a wicker-based do-it-yourself IUD does not count as an adequate alternative.

That's it!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - November 19, 2012

Senate Republicans are demanding that Ambassador Rice testify before Congress over misinformation she may have spread related to events in the middle east. "I'm not an ambassador," said Condoleeza Rice.

President Obama recently visited Myanmar, defending his choice to visit the repressive, undemocratic nation by saying that the trip was not an endorsement of the current regime and was intended to spread democracy. He went on to say that if it works in Myanmar, he might even try visiting Florida.

A judge in California ruled against Nicollette Sheridan's wrongful termination lawsuit against producers of Desperate Housewives. Furthermore, she was forced to pay a hefty fine for making the people continue to think about Desperate Housewives.

San Francisco city council is considering a ban on public nudity, which must mean that the population is finally getting older.

The University of Tennessee just fired its football coach. Probably because they didn't want to pay for his healthcare costs. Thanks a lot, Obama.

Governor Bobby Jindal said this weekend that the key to the GOP regaining power and relevance in American politics is to simply start liking people again. In response, former Vice President Dick Cheney told him to go fuck himself.

Actress Shannon Elizabeth is the new spokesperson for Farm Sanctuary's adopt-a-turkey program. She's hoping to become the Angelina Jolie of turkeys.

And finally, in Scotland archaeologists found evidence of a 10,000 year old dwelling, giving strong evidence to suggest that humanity has been suffering from clinical depression far longer than originally thought.

That's it!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Friday Morning Monologue - November 16, 2012

Texas A&M wide receiver Thomas Johnson was found safely in Dallas yesterday after disappearing earlier in the week. Coaches were relieved to have him back, and will be more specific next time they tell him to go long.

United Airlines had a massive computer outage yesterday, forcing them to work without the technology that has made it so much easier for them to deliver shitty service. Just like the olden times.

eBay is testing a new same-day delivery service, for when you absolutely can't wait to have the things that you absolutely don't have to have.

In South Africa a man was arrested with 220 diamonds hidden in his stomach. Authorities accused him of smuggling, although it's likely he was planning to take the world's most expensive dump.

Seattle Police just published a guide to legal marijuana use. Fortunately it was printed on rolling papers.

New Scrabble boards include RFID chips to broadcast your games over the Internet, so that bullies will know exactly where to go to kick your ass.

A new study found that "exposure" to living in America increases the risk of diabetes for immigrants. More importantly, however, it increases the risk of exposure to Kardashians.

And finally, soccer star Luis Suarez said, following a trade from Manchester United to Liverpool, that he's happy to be in Liverpool, making him the only person who is happy to be in Liverpool.

That's it! See you next week!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - November 15, 2012

CEO of Waffle House, Joe W. Rogers, Jr., said that he's been blackmailed over an affair with his maid, and that he's a victim of his own stupidity. That also describes the typical Waffle House patron.

Lance Armstrong's cancer charity dropped his name yesterday, feeling that they'd get a more positive response with their new name: Nut Sacks.

In China, Xi Jingping was named the new leader of the Communist Party. Donald Trump is demanding to see his birth certificate.

In other political news, Mitt Romney said that President Obama won by giving "gifts" to voters. And by "gifts" he meant "tax returns."

Also, the GOP challenge to the vote count in Florida was callled off after Mitt Romney formally gave up on the state. Florida gave up on him long ago.

In the CIA/Petraeus affair, a CIA spokesman said there's no indication that sensitive information was leaked by Gen. Petraeus to Paula Broadwell during their affair because the agency had revoked Petraeus' penis' security clearance years ago.

Starbucks is buying tea retailer Teavana for $620million. That price may seem high, but you can reuse the stock like two or three times with fresh water.

And finally, Senate Republicans are threatening to filibuster if Susan Rice is nominated to the State Department. Seems like a solid plan, until she comes back in two years to run for Senate...

That's all, yolks.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 14, 2012

How's your mustache? Hope it's free of mustard and musty mildew.

Paul Ryan blamed high voter turnout in "urban" areas for President Obama's victory last week. He then clarified his remarks by saying "oh, and 'urban' means 'black,' in case you didn't get that."

BlackBerry announced that the new BlackBerry 10 will be in stores early next year. And it will stay there. For years. Because no one wants to buy it.

In New Zealand, a man was arrested for plotting to throw horse manure on Prince Charles and his wife Camilla. Royal body guards were visibly relieved, because no one wants to jump in front of that kind of attack.

Online game company Zynga is shuffling around its leadership in an attempt to keep the company afloat. Meanwhile, designers are hard at work on their upcoming releases "Resume-Ville" and "Unemployment Office Defense."

In sports, Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethilsberger was labeled as "questionable" by team doctors due to an arm injury. Fortunately for Ben, it's not his rapin' arm.

Stars of The Jersey Shore are trying to raise funds to rebuild the coastline, apparently unaware that all they have to do put the shore back on track is to leave and never return.

Los Angeles is mulling over instituting "meatless Mondays" within the city limits. No word yet on how that would impact the porn industry.

A young California woman searching for a cell phone signal wandered into a rattlesnake nest, and was bit six times. She survived, which makes us wonder which is weaker out in the desert: cell phone coverage or rattlesnake venom? No punchline there. We need to organize some science.

And finally, a study found that Latin American women make less than Latin American men. Good to see that the U.S. is still inspiring other nations.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 6, 2012

Hi all. Rather than normal jokes, I've culled a series of thoughtful bits of political discourse from my Twitter feed. Now go vote (Obama/Biden, that is).

I'm an undecided voter. Also, I'm not sure if this hole in the ground is my ass or not.

BTW, Romney cares more about his horse than he does about rising sea levels. And he doesn't care about that horse AT ALL.
That awkward moment when Mitt Romney realizes his campaign hats were made in China, but he could have gotten them cheaper from Indonesia.

Did you know the word "Tea" comes from an old Chinese character that roughly translates to "racist a-hole?"

Just think, if the GOP had been a little bit more unhinged, we might have been given the chance to not vote for Donald Trump.

I'll vote for whichever candidate pledges to use taxpayer money to fund the Ayn Rand Institute.

FYI: "The Walking Dead" wouldn't have been so bleak if Rick and company had single-payer healthcare.

I'd like to be a political speechwriter, because I think it would really help to calcify my crippling cynicism.

What if Nate Silver was the guest star on the most cruel episode of "Punk'd" in history?

Florida Gov. Rick Scott taking to the airwaves to "politely ask poor people to stay home tomorrow."

Is it true that bars can't serve alcohol tomorrow? Because that seems unnaturally cruel.
Thanks to Ohio voters, we can be sure that LeBron James will never be President.

This just in: if you think the Electoral College is a great idea, fuck you.

Which is more dangerous: skillful malevolence or incompetent goodness? Trick question. The answer is: Florida.

If you can't convince me to vote for your candidate/issue in 140 characters or less, you will never convince me. Also you must hate freedom.

Voter suppression has a great history in America. Remember the Founding Fathers? Yeah, they'd shit a brick if they knew you could vote.

Does the GOP think poor/minority voters won't appreciate how the GOP wants to help? Or just smart enough to see how they're getting boned?

John Husted just issued a decree that voting locations in Ohio will be enforcing "Opposite Day for Black People" tomorrow.
I want to know what kind of calculator Nate Silver uses. I bet it's a special TI-85, where all the buttons lean to the left.

Ignorance has its place in politics, for sure. Just like bribery.
Telling everyone to vote is like telling everyone they should be parents. Some people just aren't ready yet. Get informed first.

That's all. Cheers!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - November 5, 2012

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Deadly weather events brought about in part by climate change.
Well, clearly. You'd have to be pretty dense to think otherwise.
[ha ha ha ha ha]

So, anybody do anything fun last week? Oh, screw it. Here's some jokes.

Following the destruction from Hurricane Sandy on the east coast, Verizon and AT&T reported that their networks are not back up to "95%." AT&T has promised to have that number back to "50%" by the end of the week.

China may soon be allowing video game consoles to be imported for domestic sale. Consoles were banned in 2001 when the Chinese government decided it wanted its people to be productive.

The Coptic Christian Church in Egypt picked their new Pope this weekend, by allowing a blindfolded six-year old to pick a name out of a bowl of possible Popes. I'd love to make fun of their method, but we still use the Electoral College.

In election news, early voting lines in Florida have kept voters waiting for hours in many locations. In hindsight, they probably should not have put their polling places in Apple Stores.

George Lucas sold his film company, including the Star Wars franchise, to Disney for $4billion. However, like most Star Wars merchandise, the company will be forced to get rid of it in a few years when they get a girlfriend.

No Doubt removed their latest video from circulation after Native American groups complained that it trivialized their culture. No word on when Ska will issue a similar protest.

Leonardo DiCaprio broke up with his Victoria's Secret model girlfriend, just in case you were starting to feel good about yourself.

And finally, NBC's telethon to raise donations for Hurricane Sandy relief on Friday brought in $23million in pledges, making it the most profitable program on NBC in years.

That's all for now.