Friday, December 30, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: What the What?

Happy New Years Eve Eve! Is that right? What day is it? I want to try something new this week. Instead of searching through various news websites, I'm going to post my favorite tweets of the past two weeks. If you are on Twitter and enjoy humor, sometimes crude, follow me @SpencerLenox.

Ever see a group a Christians make the last person to put their thumb on the table say the prayer? I'm sure Jesus appreciates that.

The calming pastel pics of nature on my desk calendar are the only reason I don't stick a letter opener in my nose and slam my face into my desk.

Hey Anne Geddes, what if you put the plants IN the babies!?! You're welcome in advance.

Wonder how many things Anne Geddes shoved into produce before she stumbled upon children.

Christmas is a time when people can celebrate the season by buying the Apple product of their choice.

Since I was raised Southern Baptist, I know when something is obscene by my erection.

I'm using my vacation to see the Deftones. I call it my Def-a-cation trip! ...wait. I need to fine a better name....

Historian have little information about the number of Indians that laughed while watching the civil war take place.

In my study of girl fights, long hair seems to be a disadvantage.

Street tacos are just unemployed Indian tacos.

Well, that was quick and painless! I hope you enjoyed my Twitter recap. I'm sorry I'm lazy this week. I'll try harder next week. Until then, I love you all. And come back often to see the writings of the hilarious Seth Joseph!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 29, 2011

Happy Thursday, y'all! This will be my last post of 2011, and I want to thank all 15 of you for reading this thing all year. I thought about just re-posting my favorite jokes, but that would mean re-reading all those posts, and who has time for that? So, here's my last eight jokes for the year.

The ghost of Christopher Hitchens briefly appeared last week to paranormal investigators before successfully arguing against its own existence and disappearing.

In North Korea, mourners crowded into the streets, wailing in grief as Kim Jong-il's body crossed the country. Apparently the mourners were so grief-stricken because they'd been told he was being buried with the last of their food.

According to an Associated Press survey of economists, most find President Obama's economic policies to be "fair to poor," not to be confused with being "fair to the poor."

This winter, gale force winds are battering Scotland, which is terrible news for the kilt industry. But great news for the chapped-ass moisturizer industry.

Los Angeles voters will be voting on an ordinance to force porn actors to wear condoms on set. Turnout is expected to be low, however, as no one really feels much on the issue.

According to Forbes, Plano, Texas, is the safest city in America largely because Plano is too boring for criminals.

Microsoft announced that its Windows Mobile operating system now has over 50,000 applications, although the number is actually much higher if you count viruses.

And finally, in a new ad, Newt Gingrich said that he has a plan to "create millions of jobs, right now." Yes, he's willing to buy that much new jewelry.

And that's the end of me for the year. Come back tomorrow for Spencer. Until next time, have a great 2011!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 28, 2011

Greetings, fair travelers. Prithee, halt thine surfing of yonder webbe and partake in the repast of joviality collected herein to amuse and delight the humours of the minde! Oh, man, that's awful. Can you just pretend you read a nice introductory paragraph? I'll do better tomorrow. By Zeus' gleaming taile, I fhalle!

Sinead O'Connor just got divorced for the fourth time, after only 18 days of marriage. Let's see... pop star, bald-headed, lots of divorces. It's official. Britney Spears is America's Sinead O'Connor.

In other entertainment news, this year's Oscar ballots went out in the mail yesterday! And who says the Academy is out of touch?

Speaking of out of touch, Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson announced he will not seek reelection next year. In the last three years he's been able to torpedo unemployment aid, foreclosure and finance reforms as well as the public healthcare option. Said the Senator, "there's really nothing else for me to do for America, unless we can start bringing poor people into the Senate Chambers so I can physically kick them in the stomachs. No? That's not happening? Oh, that's too bad." He then sat down on a sick puppy and killed it.

A burglar in Pittsburgh was arrested recently after he posted pictures of his loot on Facebook. Police found the photos in his album, "I'm a Dumbass."

President Obama's job approval rating is higher than it's been since July, which is a strong indication that America has collectively decided to just get drunk this holiday season.

New Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees set the single-season passing record last night. Tim Tebow still holds the single-season prayer record.

Egypt's courts outlawed the practice of conducting mandatory virginity tests on female detainees on the grounds that IT IS INSANE!

And finally, a Colorado man returned $10,000 he found at a Las Vegas airport to its rightful owner because he wanted to teach his kids about right and wrong. When asked for comment, his daughter said, "yep, that's great. Way better than Disney World."

And that's it. We wille be back anon. Till then, have a great day!

Monday, December 26, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 27, 2011

Are you back at work, yet? Sucks for you, buddy. Here's some jokes to lighten the load.


Recently unearthed court documents from Newt Gingrich's 1980 divorce contradict his version of the divorce. According to the papers, it was Newt, not his wife, who petitioned for the divorce, and she did not, as he maintains, cite "his freakishly huge penis" as a reason for the split. I mean divorce.

In music news, David Lee Roth is rejoining Van Halen for a new tour and breakup.

Lindsay Lohan's father Michael said this weekend that he approves of his daughter's appearance in Playboy, and called it a smart move. When asked for comment, Lindsay replied "I gotta make some changes."

An heir to the Walmart family just opened the brand new Crystal Bridges art museum in Arkansas. They are still hiring old people to greet visitors. And then not paying them.

South Korea's former first lady, Lee Hee-ho, met with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un this weekend. At first it was awkward between them, but then they discovered they actually have a lot in common. For instance, neither one of them is in control of North Korea's army.

Yoko Ono is making a new art installation for Indian women meant to address the problems facing modern Indian women. Like how even today, most Indian women are still forced to go through life without ever breaking up a pop supergroup.

In China, scientists tested a new 300-mph train. The test was successful, but they're still trying to figure out how to make it belch out more coal smoke.

And finally, Netflix's board of directors voted to cut CEO Reed Hastings' stock options in half. Hastings seemed unfazed, however, remarking, "yeah, that's okay. That shit is worthless anyway."

END! And banter, banter, banter. Come back tomorrow, have a great day!

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - December 26, 2011

Happy Monday! It's the last one of the year. That doesn't really mean anything, I guess. Oh well. Hopefully you're not working today, or if you are you're getting paid extra. And if you are working, I hope you're not working very hard or very well. Unless you're a cop or a doctor or working in Chinese restaurant, in which case you should know how much your country depends upon you. Okay. SEGUE TO JOKES!

Newt Gingrich is losing ground in Iowa ahead of the all-important Iowa caucus next month, with many voters saying that Gingrich is too arrogant for their taste. When asked by reporters for comment, Gingrich responded that this was an expected setback, due to the inherent stupidity of Iowa voters. He then tried to sell them all a copy of his book.

In other election news, the state of Texas has been paying for Gov. Perry's security detail during his presidential campaign. Texas voters are upset at the cost, but any sacrifice is worth it if gets him the hell out of Texas.

A recently published medical study argues that Ludwig Beethoven's hearing loss changed how he wrote music later in his life. The study was released in last month's edition of No Shit magazine.

Congratulations to Jordan Romero, who is now the youngest person in history to climb the highest mountains on all seven continents. Too bad everything is downhill from here. Literally and metaphorically.

In an attempt to close budget shortfalls, the Italian government is trying to increase the social stigma tied to tax evasion. Good luck, Italy. Your last Prime Minister is on trial for allegedly banging an underage hooker while in office, and he's almost beaten it. But I'm sure the tax dodger is really going to be the social pariah this year.

Speaking of pariah's, Donald Trump left the GOP this weekend. But don't worry, he's already found a younger, prettier political party to have sex with.

In China, a wealthy couple came under fire this month for having eight children, which is way more than one, which is the number Chinese couples are supposed to stop at. In their defense, though, many of the couple's children are girls, which don't count.

And finally, in a pre-Christmas miracle this weekend, a 21-year old college student in Arizona came out of a coma moments before doctors were scheduled to begin removing his organs for donation to other patients. Look for the video on an upcoming episode of Punk'd.

That's all for today. More later. Till then, have a great day!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 22, 2011

It's Thursday! Crack open the bubbly and celebrate! Start with some jokes, why don't you?

You've seen the video of the FedEx driver throwing a computer monitor over a fence, right? Pretty bad stuff. But still not nearly as bad as the videos from his previous job as a neonatal nurse.

Celebrated bastard Pat Robertson said earlier this week that gay people should simply "un-acquire" their sexuality. You know, like how he un-acquired his sense of human empathy and understanding?

In New Mexico, a woman trapped in her car during a snowstorm gave birth to a healthy baby! She then immediately pulled over to the carpool lane.

Kim Kardashian said in an interview that "mistakes shape our lives," adding "and I've made a lot of mistakes related to my ass."

Remember how Britney Spears got married for 55 hours one time? (that we know of) Well, her "husband" is back in the news, claiming that her current engagement is "fake." He said it's a financial arrangement, and "as fake as every orgasm she had with me." That's pretty fake.

Chinese hackers broke into the U.S. Chamber of Commerce yesterday, apparently forgetting that they could just as easily buy their way in.

The leader of the Scottish group said that the new Pixar film about Scotland "could boost" the country's image and spirits. He then added, "does anyone have any heroin?"

And finally, North Korea's new leader Kim Jong-Un will be sharing power with the country's military leadership in a plan designed to keep himself from being assassinated. So good news, North Korea! Don't think of it as losing one tyrannical autocrat so much as you're gaining dozens of tyrannical autocrats. Watch how love expands and grows.

But that's as much expanding and growing as we're going to do today. Come back tomorrow. Maybe Spencer has a growth you can check out. Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 21, 2011

Welcome, welcome! I hope you're all having a great day. It's been cold in New York, so I decided to buy some long johns from Uniqlo. I bought black ones, from their Heattech line, and it didn't occur to me until I got home that I've basically bought a pair of black tights. And I really don't have the ass for that.

Scientists found that 92% of public diaper changing tables in the UK have cocaine on them. In a related story, 92% of British babies FEEL TOTALLY INCREDIBLE RIGHT NOW! WHOOOO! COME ON, LET'S DO THAT BARNEY DANCE!

The Kepler space telescope discovered two earth-sized planets in another solar system yesterday. So now the Earth will finally have someone to borrow clothes from.

In television news, Whoopi Goldberg denied farting during an interview with Claire Danes on The View. She did not fart. No, she full-on shit herself. Ruined a new pair of tights, too. HEY-OH!

American Idol runner-up David Archuleta will spend the next two years as a Mormon proselytizer. Congratulations, David. You've found a way to be more annoying.

French lawmakers plan to criminalize the denial of the 1915-1916 Turkish genocide of Armenians. John Galliano is already setting up his legal defense fund.

Scientists suspect they will uncover a "new metal" at the Earth's core, forged by the intense heat and pressure at the center of the planet. I just hope this "new metal" isn't Papa Roach. Those guys suck.

A man in New York will spend a year in federal prison for leaking a copy of X-Men Origins: Wolverine on the Internet a month before the film came out. It's a good start, but there are still many, many people out there who were responsible for making and distributing the film, and we shouldn't rest until they are all behind bars.

And finally, the Denver Broncos have declined to make a video for the "It Gets Better" campaign. Initially, the Indianapolis Colts offered to join the campaign, but organizers decided no one would believe the Colts could ever get better.

Cease joking... NOW! Serious time now, everyone. Unless someone farts.

See you tomorrow!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 20, 2011

Is it Tuesday? Not right now, actually, because it's Monday when I'm writing this. Yes, I write these the night before. Which is why Monday's blog made no mention of Kim Jong-il's passing. That will be rectified today. Oh yes. Let's do it.

Kim Jong-il passed away late Sunday night, taking his strongest stance yet against nuclear disarmament negotiations.

North Koreans mourned the death of Kim Jong-il across the country on Monday, or they got shot.

With all that grieving, North Korean mourners could be expected to put on some extra weight this winter, or they would if there was any food in the country.

This is especially bad news for the North Korean film industry. Without Jong-il's leadership, it's unlikely anyone is going to step up, find the next generation of gifted filmmakers, and kidnap them.

Leadership of the little dictatorship passed to Kim Jong-il's son, Kim Jong-un. Is there any chance that "un" in Korean means "not nearly as crazy as?" Or does it just mean that he's caffeine-free and flavored with lemon and lime?

Feel better now? Okay.

Back in America, Sarah Palin reminded America that it's not too late for someone to get into the presidential race. Did she just threaten us?

Due to mounting legal pressure, AT&T dropped it's bid to buy T-Mobile. Then, just for good measure, AT&T went ahead and dropped thousands of calls.

And finally, MTV said they would be bringing back their long-cancelled practical joke show Punk'd. That's a joke, right?

And that's the end. Until it starts again. In the meantime, be good to yourselves, and each other.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - December 19, 2011

Happy Monday! Is anyone else having a wonderful winter? I'm thinking about getting some thermal longjohns. I think I should mention that I'm already engaged, so contain your fulminating desire that image conjures. Instead, think about these jokes. And how awesome a word "fulminating" is. Stick that in your "Words with Friends."

Unlikely serious presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said yesterday that as President he would arrest "activist judges" who he felt were out of line with mainstream America. This should serve as a warning not only to the judiciary, but also to any women who've dumped him in the past.

Following up on attacks from Romney, Bachmann and others, Gingrich said that his rivals' criticism of his record is "not based on facts," but instead based upon things Newt has said in the past. Not to be confused with facts.

NBC will be airing a special televised tribute to Betty White for her 90th birthday. Congratulations on lasting this long, NBC! Now cancel Whitney.

A New Jersey cable repairman was surprised to discover a brown bear living in an elderly woman's basement last week. And that's what happens when you find a roommate through Craigslist.

Over 15,000 Czech citizens listed "Knights of the Jedi" as their religion on a recent census. Unsurprisingly, they all listed their sex as "no, not yet."

A popular Chinese actor was arrested last week after authorities discovered he was in fact a fugitive from justice who was wanted in an assault on a police officer. After his arrest, Ji Siguang told journalists his crime was perfect, except for the part where he pursued a career in television acting.

Facing criticism for secretly gathering data on its users, Sprint said this weekend that the Carrier IQ snooping software has been disabled on its smartphone devices. AT&T went a step further, and disabled all smartphone functionality for its users.

And lastly, Kobe Bryant's wife filed for divorce, and this time the NBA commissioner did not block the trade. It's worth noting that Bryant and his wife never signed a prenuptial agreement, so there's no salary cap for this free agent! I don't understand sports.

That's all for now! See you tomorrow, friends.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Money is a root

Happy Friday friends! I'm going to be honest, I've been in a funk lately. It's not so much depression as it is a shallow kiddie pool of shit. So, if these jokes aren't good, well, whatever. Not like you paid anything for it. Just realize that when I'm dead and gone, no one is going to give a shit about a some jokes I wrote Dec. 16th 2011. Have a great weekend!

Recently a report surfaced that alleges Victoria Secret is linked to child labor. In other news, Toddlers and Tiara's is in for some competition.

In Hollywood news, Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway have been cast for the motion picture Les Miserables. They should change the name to More Miserables!

Also, Tom Cruise is going to be starring in a new sci-fi film called, "All You Need is Kill." A Scientologist in a sci-fi movie? Crazy.

Time Magazine recently named, The Protestor as their Person of the Year. Don't like their decision? Write them a letter, congrats you are now Times Person of the Year.

San Fransisco is gearing up for its annual "SantaCon." A convention for people that love Santa without the stigma of NAMBLA.

President Obama ended the war in Iraq. Does Bush still have that "Mission Accomplished" banner?

The National Transportation Safety Board called for a ban on all cell phone use by drivers. Unless you are also high on cocaine, because you can do anything when you're on cocaine!

More than one in three women have experienced sexual assault, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime, according to a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention survey. In other news, perhaps the feminist movement was a mistake.

Staff Sergeant Steven Guidry's widow finally receives World War II service medals he earned more than 60 years ago. That's a nice surprise. Not as nice as the nice form letter she received when he died, but nice nonetheless.

Alright kids, thank you for hanging out. I love you.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 15, 2011

Good morning, everyone! I've discovered through a hands-on test that my new Lenovo laptop is tougher than a bowl of Nissin Oriental Ramen Soup. Haven't tested other recipes, but so far the $300 computer has beaten the $0.39 soup packet. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it stays that way. Crossed fingers make it hard to type jokes, by the way, so I hope you laugh extra-hard at these.

Gary Busey rescinded his endorsement of presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, saying that Newt was going to have "work a lot harder" to keep Busey from endorsing him again. Meanwhile, Christine O'Donnell endorsed Mitt Romney, so this has been a good week for Ron Paul.

A recent study found that one in five women in the U.S.A. have been the victims of sexual assault. That number is horrifying, and we can't blame them all on Herman Cain.

Speaking of blame, The Jersey Shore was the most watched cable series in 2011. I don't have a joke here, just hoping to shame anyone who has been watching it. Shaaaaame.

Matthew McConaughey shaved his head this week. I guess he's taking his breakup with Kevin Federline tougher than we thought.

Speaking of single, on Ellen this week, Charlize Theron said she is "really enjoying" being single. No, really. Seriously. Why won't you believe that?!

Time Magazine named The Protester as it's Person of the Year. They would have singled out an individual protester, but the editors at Time think all poor people look alike.

The number of married couples in the U.S. is at an all time low, probably because more and more Americans are horrible people that no one can stand to be around. That would explain the high numbers for The Jersey Shore.

And finally, Barbara Walters revealed that the Kardashians and Donald Trump made her Most Fascinating List for 2011. Other top contenders for the list: A train wreck and a burning house.

And that's all for me this week. Thanks for reading! See you on Monday. Until then, enjoy Spencer's work tomorrow, and have a great weekend!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 14, 2011

No time for banter today. Just jokes.

Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen is working on a new spaceflight company. Paul, if ever there was a time to prevent crashes, this is it.

Speaking of software giants, the papers from Apple's founding sold at auction for $1.6 million. Steve Wozniak got nothing.

In Vancouver, a bear was seen riding on a garbage truck yesterday. Cops removed him once they realized he wasn't a member of the government employee union. Rules are rules, bear.

The U.S. Mint is phasing out gold coins, much to the disappointment of pirates.

Derek Jeter reportedly had been giving autographed balls to women he has over night stands with. That may seem cold and impersonal, but it's a lot better than the souvenir A-Rod has been giving out.

That would be herpes.

In other health news, rapper 50 Cent is releasing a new health guidebook. It's called Get Fit or Die Trying.

CBS is expanding Face the Nation to one hour, probably because Americans have larger faces today.

And finally, the Oscar award Orson Welles won for Citizen Kane is going up for auction, reminding us all that no matter how great you are in this life, eventually strangers will end up paying through your possessions in search of trinkets. If only there was some sort of film that could drive that message home... Oh well. Maybe someday.

And that's all. Thanks for a great year! See you tomorrow!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 13, 2011

Hey, how about Buffalo? Did you know they have their own bread? It's called "weck." Yep. That's a true story. Everyone else calls it a Kaiser roll. Isn't it amazing what you can learn when you get stuck at the Buffalo airport? Oh, and also, you can write jokes. Jokes like these:

Schools in southern California are reporting a surge in tuba thefts. Police are looking for suspicious people with tuba-shaped bulges under their shirts.

Biologists have finally discovered how large birds, like the ostrich and emu, are able to sustain erections without blood flowing to the member. One of the proud discoverers said of the announcement, “Yep, we figured it out. Now can we please stop studying bird erections?”

Speaking of bird boners, Fear Factor is back on NBC, forcing contestants to confront their fears and endure disgusting trials for big cash prizes. On next week’s premier, contestants will be forced to watch an entire episode of Whitney.

Election observers in the Ivory Coast reported a low turnout in their recent parliamentary elections. But come on, turnout is always low for elections in non-coup years.

Last week, a judge ordered a French man who is obsessed with Kirsten Dunst to stay away from the actress. And to make sure this obsession ends, the stalker will be forced to watch Spider-Man 3 and Elizabethtown. That should take care of it.

Speaking of particle physics, the Higgs boson particle was finally seen at the Large Hadron Colider. It was spotted with Ryan Reynolds, but then again, who hasn’t been?

Remember Lindsay Lohan? She said recently that she realizes now she should have listened more to people offering her advice, and that she could have avoided most of her problems if she’d just made better decisions. The full interview will be published in next month’s issue of No Shit magazine.

And finally, North Korea warned South Korea not to put up Christmas lights on a South Korean observation tower at the Demilitarized Zone, saying that such a display would cause “unexpected consequences.” In case you were wondering, that is what a War on Christmas actually looks like. Happy Holidays, people.

Yep. That ends Tuesday's blog. More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - December 12, 2011

Did everyone have a great weekend? I'm pretty sure I explicitly told everyone who reads this blog to have a great weekend. So, I really hope you did it. Because I'm a megalomaniac. And now, jokes.

On Meet the Press yesterday, actual Senator Lindsey Graham explained his opposition to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, saying that the regulatory body was "something out of the Stalinist era." His new economic adviser Yakov Smirnoff then added, "in Soviet Russia, Financial Protection Bureau consumes you!"

In Virginia, a woman was arrested for falsely claiming to be a cancer survivor in order to solicit donations. The woman has publicly apologized, and offered to join a tanning salon.

Astronomers confirmed the possible presence of planets made entirely of diamonds recently. Newt Gingrich has already purchased one on credit.

Speaking of Gingrich, the Arab League recently condemned comments he made about Palestinians as ignorant and racist. Newt thanked them for their endorsement.

Rick Perry screwed up again this week, when he misidentified the number of US Supreme Court Justices during an interview. Fortunately, that kid who stumped Michele Bachmann was there to set him straight.

In other Rick Perry news, he and Mitt Romney got into a heated debate about healthcare, and Romney offered to bet Perry $10,000 that he was right. That's $10,000, or as uninsured Americans call it "the amount of money we need to keep getting chemotherapy for another week."

Former Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega was extradited back to Panama this week after spending 22 years in prison overseas. He's expected to serve out the rest of his life in Panamanian prison where, if he's truly lucky, he will die without ever having seen an episode of NBC's Whitney.

And finally, in the Ukraine, a group of young women protested the recent Russian parliamentary elections by stripping in front of a Moscow church. Let that be a lesson to you, Vladimir Putin. You screw around with the elections, and young women will come to your city and take off their clothes. Hmm. Wait a minute...

Friday, December 9, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Pink eye edition

How are you this Friday? I hope you have weekend plans that include something you enjoy. It's your time, ya know. You should do what you want. I have pink eye, so don't touch me. Anycrap, let's get to the jokes!

Due to the bad economy, the Queen of England’s salary will be frozen for the next four years. Wanna know who else won't be getting paid by the government for four years? Herman Cain.

Speaking of Herman Cain, the formal presidential candidate visited Oklahoma. He promised that he would still be active in touching as many people as he could.

Free-agent slugger Albert Pujols will join the Los Angeles Angels on a 10-year contract worth at least $250 million, according to reports Thursday morning. In other news, Kim Kardashian is planning a Spring wedding.

"America's Next Top Model" crowned a winner Wednesday night in its all-stars cycle, but not before a shocking and largely unexplained disqualification of one of the final three contestants. Turns out 1-out-of-3 models is terrible in bed.

Mitt Romney picks fellow Michigan native Kid Rock's tune "Born Free" as his campaign theme song. Kid Rock, like Mitt, was "born free" of hepatitis, but got that later when they slept with Mormons.

Rick Perry has an ad saying he thinks kids should be able to "openly celebrate Christmas" at school. Good point, Governor Perry. Finally a solution to our country's debt!

In a recent poll, Mitt Romney is trailing Newt Gingrich w/ upper income & low income Republicans, but slightly ahead with women Newt's dumped on their deathbeds.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 8, 2011

I'm so glad it's Thursday. More than that, I'm so glad you're here to share it with me. Whoever you are. Yeah. Okay.

Yesterday, Syrian President Assad said that only “crazy” leaders kill their own people. He then cut prices so low, he’d have to be insane! And then he killed a bunch of people.

Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to fourteen years in prison yesterday. Fourteen years! By the time he gets out, he’ll have no idea how much a senate seat is supposed to sell for. Also, he plead for leniency from the judge, which might have been more effective if he hadn’t dropped so many f-bombs.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech yesterday showing U.S. support for LGBT people being persecuted overseas. Too bad American LGBT people aren't overseas.

Netflix’s president said this week that HBO Go is the online rival he fears the most. And also spiders.

Terrence Howard’s wife got a restraining order against him earlier this month, but by the time the paperwork was finished it ended up being for Don Cheadle instead.

A study of American schools found that middle-class children ask for more help on assignments than working-class students, while the rich kids just pay someone else to do it for them.

In France, activists invaded an atomic power site to show how vulnerable it is. It's kinda like beating a kid up to show him he needs to be tougher, except if you punch too hard, millions of cubic liters of radioactive steam come out of him and kill thousands of people. That old chestnut.

And finally, Sarah Palin said yesterday that the idea of a Trump-moderated debate was "appealing." I assume she meant to say "appalling." Either way, she's dumb.

Whew! I'm tired. It's been a long week, and I thank you for sticking around. Come back tomorrow for Spencer's laugh attack, and I'll be back Monday. Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 7, 2011

Happy Wednesday. It’s December 7th, which is, coincidentally, the day that the U.S. joined both World War I and World War II. So let’s be extra-vigilant today and try like hell not to get involved in any horrible wars today. What say? And while we’re at it, how about some nice, peace-loving jokes?

You like books? Alternate-history novelist Harry Turtledove’s new book, Supervolcano: Eruption, explores what it would be like if America was destroyed by a massive volcanic eruption at Yellowstone, and not George W. Bush’s presidency.

In south Florida, biologists are studying crocodiles living near a nuclear power plant. They’re tracking breeding and movement patterns, as well as any evidence of monsterism.

Military leaders at the Pentagon are concerned that a drone that crashed in Iran may end up giving away U.S. secrets. And that’s why it’s a bad idea to program drones with the personality of a chatty 14-year old girl.

Remember that burglar that robbed Alex Trebek? Good news for her, as she won’t be facing mandatory sentences from the “three strikes” law. It’s a good thing she wasn’t robbing Steve Harvey. ‘Cause he hosts Family Feud. And that show uses the “three strikes” motif. Oh, boy.

Chewbacca will be guest-starring in Glee’s Christmas episode this year! George Lucas has already agreed to ban the program after it airs and buy up as many copies as he possibly can.

In more serious news, BP accused Haliburton of willfully destroying evidence related to the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico last year. Haliburton refutes the claim, saying that the evidence was destroyed through simple incompetence, just like everything else they touch.

The anti-piracy group Creative America released a new 12-minute anti-piracy video this week. But I already saw it last month on bittorrent.

And finally, following election losses in the Russian Federal Assembly, Vladimir Putin promised to make real changes next year. And by that, he means he will do a better job of fixing future elections.

And that’s the end. Hope you enjoyed it. Tell your friends! And we’ll be back with more tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 6, 2011

Are you ready for some happy times, Internet? Doesn't "internet" kind of sound like a vaguely dismissive way to refer to a female intern? That just now occurred to me. These jokes also just occurred to me. READ THEM AND BEHOLD THE ABSURDITY OF OUR WORLD!

A survey found that over one third of American shoppers are done with their holiday gift purchases for the year. This is due in equal parts to Americans not having any money, and the fact that most American children were little shits this year.

In a move to avoid total bankruptcy, the US Postal Service is cutting 28,000 jobs. Hope they don’t get disgruntled.

The postal service's restructuring is part of a plan to save the USPS by slowing down the delivery of mail. That’s like saving a relationship by getting worse at sex. But then people just start banging FedEx and UPS on the side.

In international news, Lithuania is cracking down on beggars, going so far as to criminalize panhandling. That's a bold move for Lithuania, considering the cops who will be arresting them were probably hired using the $3 billion in aid Lithuania received from the EU this year.

At Newark Liberty airport, a passenger was detained after TSA agents found four grenades in his carry on luggage. The grenades were confiscated, which is bad news for the passenger, as he's gotta come back to Newark at some point. And now he won't have his grenades. Which you need for Newark. Because Newark  is a tough city. Moving on.

Astronomers spotted a planet in another solar system of similar size and climate to Earth. It's so similar that they’re calling it an “earth twin.” However, images of the planet with a ridiculous goatee suggest it might be the evil twin.

Former Miss USA Rima Fakih was charged with drunk driving this weekend. Officers got suspicious during the sobriety test when Ms. Fakih had to walk a straight line and wouldn’t stop waving.

And finally, Madonna will be performing at halftime during this year’s Super Bowl, which means we’ll have to find a new name for it. Also, the football won’t be the only tough, leathery thing on camera.

And that’s a wrap. Have a great Tuesday, and I’ll see you tomorrow!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - December 5, 2011

Hey, happy Monday, and happy End of Prohibition Day! On this day in 1933, Prohibition ended, legalizing the sale and possession of alcoholic beverages in the United States. It would be the last time America wasted its time, money and energy on an unwinnable war against human desires. Glad that's over. Okay, back to today. What happened this weekend? Who knows!

Speaking of prohibition, a man in Deltona, Florida, was arrested after trying to order drugs at a Burger King. So much for having it your way. In a related story, there are no Taco Bell locations in Deltona, Florida.

In Spartanburg, South Carolina, a woman was arrested after a routine traffic stop when she revealed she had two crack pipes hidden between her butt cheeks. Look like someone took the name "crack" too literally.

In Saudi Arabia, a conservative religious group predicted that if women are allowed to drive, there will be no virgins in the country within ten years. It should be noted that this assertion was made after watching Grease and is, of course, based upon the premise that Saudi Arabian women are insatiable whores.

A government study in England found that "anger at police" was a major cause of the country's riots earlier this year. The study also found that water is wet.

Two Chinese Pandas arrived in Edinburgh, Scotland, this weekend. Their move to Edinburgh serves as a stern warning to other Pandas that they'd better behave, or they might end up in Scotland.

A new company is offering toy rentals this holiday season, just like Netflix's DVD-by-mail service. Parents can queue up toys for their kids and send back toys their done with so other kids can play with them. A similar program was scrapped by Adam & Eve.

On Facebook, a condom company is creating profiles for fake, yet-to-be-conceived children to try and sell condoms. If they really want their marketing to go viral, they should be sending out invites from Syphilis' account.

And finally, Charlie Sheen's ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, was arrested in Aspen for assault and cocaine possession with intent to distribute. Looks like someone wants to reconcile!

Buzzer. We're out of time, kiddos. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day! (and maybe a cocktail)

Friday, December 2, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Glue Sticks

Hey friends! Did you have a great Thanksgiving? I did. My fat pants became skinny jeans. That's how much food I ate.

In Oklahoma a lot of people are gearing up for Bedlam. One of OU's players that torched OSU last year was arrested yesterday in Georgia for stealing a woman's purse. Former receiver Cameron Kenny had to be taken to the hospital for stitches when he "fell" trying to elude the police. Which proves that with his lack of coordination, OSU's defense is really bad. It's a good thing he practiced "receiving" during his tenure at OU.

Senator John McCain took a dig at Long Island, New York on the Senate floor, saying, "Last I checked, Long Island was part – albeit sometimes regrettably – part of the United States of America." He immediately received flack for his comment. He would have been fine had he shat upon New Jersey... that place is a dump.

Country music singer Mindy McCready, was ordered to return her 5-year-old son Wednesday. Which is fine for now, but when he gets older he's going to want to live with his rich, drug abusing mother.

Dr. Conrad Murray was sentence to serve 4-years for his role in Michael Jackson's death. He is also required to report to Herman Cain about what it's like to have a 4 year term.

In Greenwich, Connecticut, three wealthy investors who were already worth millions won the $254 million power ball jackpot. They said, "This is by far the second easiest way to take money from stupid people."

President Obama will attend three fundraisers in New York City to raise money for his re-election campaign. How about holding a fundraiser to raise money for the United States? You too Republicans!

Have a great weekend friends! Hugs and kisses.