Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 31, 2013

Firefighters in London report a surge of handcuff-related injuries from people inspired to reenact scenes from Fifty Shades of Grey. Who would have guessed people who loved that book would be too dumb to work a pair of handcuffs?

Scientists found that a diabetes pill has an anti-aging effect in lab mice. "Great news!" said the diabetic lab mice. "We were hoping to drag out this existence as long as possible!"

A man arrested by the DEA and left abandoned in a windowless cell for four days was just awarded a $4.1 million settlement, and a co-creator credit for the reality series based on his experiences. The show is called Drink Your Own Urine.

Dock workers in Los Angeles found a cat stowed away in a freighter that arrived from the Philippines. So now cats are sneaking into the country to take all our pooping-in-boxes-and-sleeping-all-day jobs.

New York City's large soda ban was just ruled unconstitutional, under the "Full Faith and Fatass" clause.

Anthony Weiner released a video yesterday saying that he won't quit. He won't quit the race mayoral race, and he won't quit describing his dick to strange women on the Internet.

Time Warner Cable has decided not to pull CBS from its cable service, despite ongoing contract renegotiations. So don't worry, you'll still be greeted by the latest episode of NCIS when you visit your grandparents.

And finally, mass killing suspect and militant racist Anders Breivik just applied to attend university. He's going to be so pissed off when he learns about affirmative action.

That's it!

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 30, 2013

Following his recent sexting scandal, Anthony Weiner has fallen to fourth place in the New York mayoral race, just ahead of Bill Clinton's penis.

On the subject of gay clergy, Pope Francis said "who am I to judge?" So, he didn't read the job description.

A new study links monogamy to increased IQ scores for men, according to the latest issue of the New England Journal of Nagging. Am I right?

Fast food industry workers are going on strike for a living wage. Best of luck to them, and we hope the nation can adjust to a day without diarrhea.

Scientists have succeeded in growing new, replacement teeth from human urine. So, you'll want to brush those teeth before you use them.

Archaeologists discovered that ancient Inca priests would use drugs to make children more docile when sacrificing them in religious rights. This just in: Roman Polanski is an Inca.

Tropical Depression Flossie is weakening after reaching Hawaii, leading to speculation that it had some poi.

And finally, the American Academy of Pediatrics found that candy is the number one cause of choking in children. And "a chance at the post-season" is still the number one cause of choking for the Chicago Cubs.

Ta-ta for now!

Monday, July 29, 2013

Monday Morning Monologue - July 29, 2013

A new smartphone app is in development to tell users whether or not they're drunk. The name of the app is "Wanna Call Cheryl?"

Zoologists think that dolphins may use distinct noises to refer to each other, in effect meaning that they have their own names. And apparently dolphins think it's racist when we can't tell them apart.

In China, a woman got trapped between two walls of a home, and when she cried out for help the owners thought she was a ghost. Crazy, right? Everyone knows that ghosts rent.

Recently government agents seized $35 million worth of cocaine in Florida. So now's Florida's big chance to get back on the nation's good side.

A professional group representing academic historians is pushing for universities to withhold Ph.D. dissertations from distribution on the Internet for six years after publication. It's part of a new "no spoiler" policy for world history.

Pope Francis ended his tour of Brazil with the world's longest no-touching conga line in history. Also, he's the first Pontiff since 1540 to get a full back-wax during peace time.

In Washington D.C. thousands of people lined up to experience the "corpse flower." It's the most foul thing in the city that wasn't elected or appointed.

And finally, key players in the New York Democratic Party are telling Anthony Weiner to pull out of the mayoral race after his latest sexting scandal. However, judging from the content of his messages, it could get messy if Weiner pulls out at the wrong time.

Stay classy!

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Rage-o-Meter: The Rock-Tsarnayev Edition

I simply cannot resist the urge to comment on this, if for no other reason than it gives me the opportunity to use the phrase "TrollingStone magazine." Which I will do now.

Music and culture journalism bastion TrollingStone magazine actually managed to something a little bit punk rock this week, possibly on purpose. Their new cover features a dreamy image of accused Boston bombing suspect Dzokhar Tsarnayev, using a photo that could just as easily have been snapped at an after-hours dubstep show in Williamsburg. Not that I'd know. The offending image:

Let's leave aside the fact that "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" was a tired phrase 6 years ago, that Magna Carta will someday be viewed as a work of genius (whether we like it or not), and that THE ARCTIC ICE MELT GETS THE SAME AMOUNT OF SPACE AS GUY CLARK JR. Put that all out of your mind for the moment, so we can get back to literally judging this book by its cover.

Just look at him. All smug and self-assured. He really does look like a douchebag from an unadvertised underground bar you'll never be cool enough to get into. How dare RollingStone elevate him like that. Wait, hold on a second. Okay, they do go on to call him "The Bomber," which could be a cool DJ name, but then they say "How a Popular, Promising Student Was Failed by His Family, Fell Into Radical Islam and Became a Monster." Well, that's not very flattering. But still, putting an accused murderer on the cover of one of our most cherished (for some reason) national magazines is not something we would ever tolerate.

Hey, is that Hitler?
Hmm. That's odd, right? Genocidal mass murderer, despotic tyrant, two-time coverboy? Maybe Time just has a weird Hitler hangup. Like how Huffington Post can't stop putting up stories about Ann Coulter. They just have a kind of Hitler fetish. Oh, wait a tic. Here comes Stalin.

That's a lot of Stalins.

Oh, and how appropriate that LIFE put Stalin on the cover, since life is something for which he had no regard. So it's not just Hitler. And it's not just Time. Could there be more examples?

And of course:

It's almost as if these magazines were somehow trying to grab the attention of their readers with provocative images and text in order to get them to purchase and read stories about current events. But does it work? Somehow Time and Newsweek largely (mostly) survived the massive boycotts that surely came as a result of these covers shown here (wait, there were none), and RollingStone will survive its latest attempts to trick people into reading the news. It's unfortunate and unavoidable when journalists offend their readers. Well, mainly its unavoidable.

If I were an editor at RollingStone (side note: I'm available!) I wouldn't lose much sleep over CVS or Walgreens or Wal-Mart or anyone else refusing to carry this issue. I'd thank my lucky stars for the free press and count the Internet traffic that comes rolling in, so to speak. Maybe that's the point. Or maybe it's just punk.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Wednesday Morning Monologue -July 17, 2013

Actor and comedian Danny McBride took a major spill on rollerskates yesterday. His injuries were not serious, but they were described as hilariously painful.

Google Street View now includes a trip to the top of the Eiffel Tower. To make it a truly realistic experience, they're working on a way of digitally transmitting the smell of a thousand unwashed tourists.

Stevie Wonder will now boycott states with "stand your ground" laws, because he'd rather not get murdered.

Vladimir Putin just piloted a minisub to the bottom of the ocean to examine an old shipwreck and continue checking off items on his "James Bond Villain Checklist."

Dave Matthews got stranded before a show recently, and caught a ride to his show from some of his own fans. Pretty brave, considering his fans were clearly stoned.

Gas prices are down one penny over the last three weeks, so the RECESSION IS OVER!

Greek workers are striking over layoffs. In other news, Greek scabs are having a fantastic week.

And finally, a racehorse owner is using his horse to fight cancer by naming the animal "Prostate Awareness." Coincidentally, that was actually Ron Artest's birth name.


Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 16, 2013

Twinkies are coming back, but the bad news is they're coming back smaller. But don't worry, the size of your ass will remain unchanged.

Warren Buffett is sponsoring a class in Internet philanthropy. Students will be giving away $100,000 of his money online. Truly a great day for Nigerian princes.

Scientists are predicting that soon the majority of our farming will be done by robots. So long as they have an open expansion slot for their green card.

Radiohead pulled its albums off of Spotify in protest of their payment structure. Fortunately, the albums are still available wherever fine music is stolen.

Geologists confirmed that volcanoes emit a high pitched noise, or scream, before eruption. Just one more way I'm like a volcano.

Anti-vaccine activist and general moron Jenny McCarthy just got hired for The View, or as it will be called next season, The Uninformed and Dangerously Stupid Opinion.

Experts testified yesterday that Michael Jackson stood to earn one billion dollars on his comeback tour. In MJ terms that's over 1000 chimpanzees and 300 giraffes. After taxes.

And finally, Texas state senator Wendy Davis reaped over one million dollars in campaign contributions following her recent filibuster, making her the best paid loiterer in history.

See ya tomorrow!

Monday, July 15, 2013

Monday Morning Monologue - July 15, 2013

Google is set to spent $500 million promoting the new Motorola "Moto X" phone, which it turns out is slightly less than it would have cost to just make a good phone in the first place.

Police arrested a man for sitting outside John Kerry's Boston home with an open container of alcohol. In a related story, STOP THE PRESSES! Some yahoo is out drunk in Boston!

In Michigan City, Indiana, a young boy is doing well after being rescued from a sinkhole where he was trapped for three hours. The child thanked his good fortune for not being stuck in a sinkhole in Florida. Because someone would have shot him.

In Italy, racism is alive and well, as an Italian Senator just made statements likening the country's first black cabinet minister to an orangutan. Fortunately, George Zimmerman was nowhere near the cabinet minister.

China's economy slowed for the second straight quarter, proving once again that they get all their ideas from America.

Speaking of China, former Laker Metta World Peace is considering taking his talents to China as a free agent. He's excited at the prospect of playing for over a billion fans, and choking them.

In Belfast, the Northern Ireland Chief of Police denounced recent riots, saying they were "shameful and disgraceful," claiming that Northern Ireland can do way better next time.

And finally, the world's oldest calendar was discovered in Scotland recently. Scientists were able to determine its exact age by checking to see if it listed Larry King's birthday.


And that's it for today.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Friday Morning Monologue - July 12, 2013

George Clooney is single again, proving once more that women just can't be pleased.

Shares of stock are at an all-time high of $300, although you can probably get them cheaper online.

Speaking of Amazon, they're getting into the comic book publishing game, which is bed news for writers and artists who will now have to actually deliver content the next dame.

In Brazil, football fans are up in arms over a proposed new rule that would ban fans from getting shirtless at the Maracana stadium. So there goes the NASCAR partnership.

A federal judge has put a stop to invasive, unnecessary "groin searches" performed on inmates at Guantanamo Bay. The groin searches will still be available at all U.S. airports.

Metta World Peace is no longer on the Los Angeles Lakers after the team let him go yesterday. It's part of a new plan for the Lakers to make sure that Kobe Bryant is the only player on the team. And he kinda was last year.

Paula Deen dumped her legal team yesterday because she "needed to get some Jews" to represent her.

And finally, the Chicago Cubs have finally reached an agreement with the city to pay for a new Jumbotron at Wrigley Field. Said one city negotiator, "it's the best the Cubs will ever look."

Monday, July 8, 2013

Monday Morning Monologue - July 8, 2013

In Miami, thieves made off with $1.1 million of vodka waiting to pass through customs. Police are searching the area for bad decisions and sloppy hookups.

Dwight Howard just left the L.A. Lakers for the Houston Rockets, proving once and for all that living in Houston is slightly less unpleasant than working with Kobe Bryant.

Artisans from Hungary are busy building an authentic Hungarian village in D.C. on the National Mall. The village will showcase traditional Hungarian folk art, architecture, and the last place in D.C. that isn't owned by an older Polish woman.

The NSA is having trouble explaining why Edward Snowden was able to access the top secret information about PRISM that he shared with the press. Good thing the government wasn't using a highly invasive spying program for their background checks.

A solar powered flight completed a cross-country tour this week, the first in history. And since it's a United Airlines flight, it was already delayed.

That's all.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 3, 2013

The Vatican announced that Pope John Paul II is moving through the process of sainthood, and could be declared a saint this year. His kids must be so proud.

In Canada, two people are being held in conjunction with a plot to detonate a bomb at Parliament in conjunction with Canada Day celebrations. In a related story, at least two people remembered Canada Day.

Christian Bale denied rumors this week that he would be playing Batman in upcoming Justice League films. We get it. You're just playing Bruce Wayne. *wink!*

New York City will soon have its own ".nyc" Internet domain name. It will be open to the public just as soon as they figure out how to digitize rats and garbage smells.

Edward Snowden is having terrible luck finding a nation to grant him asylum. Which may explain all the Craigslist ads posted under the category "M seeks Political Asylum."

In Chicago, Teamsters have gone on strike specifically in the funeral home industry. Additional workers have been brought in to try and break the strike. In the meantime, Chicagoans have been asked to please postpone their deaths until the dispute is resolved.

Computer maker Razer is debuting a new laptop built specifically for gaming and for gamers. Among its features are the Haswell-based Core i7-4702HQ processor, Nvidia GTX 765M graphics card, and a suped-up exhaust fan to blow Cheetos crumbs away from the hard drive.

And finally, American Olympic bobsledder Lolo Jones drew the ire of the Internet when she made fun of one of the witness in the George Zimmerman murder trial. The stunned athlete was overjoyed to find out that anyone knew who the hell she was.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 2, 2013

Over the weekend in New York, a helicopter successfully landed in the middle of the Hudson River. Because that's how hard it is to find a helicopter parking space in the city.

In the Middle East, news coverage is completely dominated by protests in Egypt, which means this is the perfect time for a Middle-Eastern nip-slip to go unnoticed.

Apple Computers is rumored to be trying to lock down a trademark on the term "iWatch." Too bad the NSA beat them to it.

The underage sex-abuse lawsuit against Kevin Clash, the actor who played Elmo was dismissed yesterday because the judge ruled the plaintiffs waited too long to bring their action. The judge did also rule that Clash did not wait long enough before bringing his action.

It looks like Edward Snowden is stuck in Moscow, unable to get on a flight out of the country. Probably shouldn't have booked with Orbitz.

Scientists estimate that there are 60 billion habitable planets in the Milky Way galaxy, but that number goes way down when you factor in how far away they are from Trader Joe's.

A man at a bank in Orange County, California, was nearly arrested for wearing a surgical mask. Police were relieved to find out he was not a bank robber, but merely wearing the mask because he has cancer. Not relieved, but, you know.

And finally, after the thrilling efforts of Wendy Davis in Texas to block anti-abortion legislation, NBC has announced a new summer reality competition: "So You Think You Can Filibuster!" Harry Reid has already set his DVR.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Monday Morning Monologue - July 1, 2013

Happy Monday!

Jessica Simpson just gave birth to her second child, a beautiful baby boy. She says she's looking forward to no longer being the least-educated person in the room.

This weekend, Jennifer Lopez serenaded the President of Turkemenistan, one of the world's foremost bastard dictators. When asked if she regretted the performance, she said "not as much as Gigli."

In baseball, the Pittsburgh Pirates have won their ninth straight game, leading to speculation that we are in Bizarro World.

Millions of Egyptians have taken to the streets to protest against President Morsi, although some are probably just doing it out of habit at this point.

Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts said this weekend that he thinks the court "asks too many questions." Justice Thomas almost said something in response.

Secretary of State Kerry plans a return trip to the Middle East after his last visit failed to result in an Israeli-Palestinian agreement. If anything will motivate the two sides, it's the looming spectre of continued visits from John Kerry.

Reports are coming in that the NSA taps approximately 500 million calls and Internet links in Germany per month. It's rumored to be the largest collection of milkmaid-themed pornography in the free world.

And finally, in Oregon a couple allowed the customers at a Starbucks to pick the name for their newborn baby. The staff announced the winner, and of course they spelled it wrong.

That's all!