Thursday, May 31, 2012

Friday Morning Podcast - June 1, 2012

Episode 08: Wherein we wrestle with the limitations and disappointments of this mortal plane.

And I may have, in fact, watched the entire video for Matchbox 20's "The Real World" twice upon the completion of this podcast. Don't judge me. Watching the video was punishment enough.

Twice.



Enjoy.


Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 31, 2012

Hey, you guys ever wonder what it would be like to watch a crappy, hacky standup comic after the zombie apocalypse? Well, I bet it'd go something like this...

Wow, look at this room! Guess the walking dead only eat pretty people!

Speaking of pretty people, you hear what happened to Kate Moss? Yeah, she got turned into a zombie. Still won't eat, though. She's so skinny!

Anybody here raised by zombie parents? Yeah, zombie parents don't give you a "time out" when you're a kid, right? They give you a BITE out! AMIRITE!? Oh, child abuse.

My girlfriend turned into a zombie. I realized it when she stopped nagging, and started gnawing! This guy knows what I'm talking about!

You know what they say, you can't live with 'em, and you can't kill 'em, because they're already dead.

Those bozos in Congress have been useless, right? Looks like someone already ate their brains! AH HUH, AH HUH, AH HUH! Those zombies must have starved to death! 'Cause those guys are so dumb! AH HUH, AH HUH, AH HUH!

I envy the dead!

And you guys in this town, you are some crazy drivers! Tell you what, those walking dead better start running! Or else you'll run 'em over with your cars.

Can we get a hand for your waitstaff? Be sure to tip 'em well, you guys. Or not, they'll probably be dead tomorrow anyway.

Hey, you ever notice how black zombies groan like "ggggggggggggrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaRRRRRRRRRoooooowwwwwwww" and white zombies are all like "buuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggoooooaaaaaaaaaarrrrrooooooooo?" I mean, come on! LOOSEN UP, ALREADY!

Oh, sorry, didn't mean to offend you guys. No, it's fine. You're not the first people to step out into a parking lot filled with bloodthirsty zombies rather than hear the rest of my show.

Well, looks like that's my time. I'll be in the lobby selling t-shirts and fire axes until the deathless horde breaks down the door--thank goodness it's not my ex-wife, RIGHT FELLAS!

Thank you, and goodnight!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 30, 2012

Hey! Did you break out your white pants yesterday? It's officially allowed now, whereas before Memorial Day the Fashion Police would have shot you on site. Tough but fair. These jokes are also tough but fair. Wait, they're neither of those things. Still, you might as well read them since you already read all this nonsense.

The jury in John Edwards' trial will be deliberating for a seventh day before deciding his fate, which is seven days longer than it took Edwards to come to his decision.

Hackers from the U.S. State Department broke into Yemeni al-Qaeda websites and changed the content recently, trying to shame the terror group for attacking civilians.They also embedded a youtube clip of Rebecca Black's "Friday."

In Olympic News, Tokyo is in the running for the 2020 Summer games. "It is a great pleasure and true honor that Tokyo has been accepted as a candidate city," Tokyo governor Shintaro Ishihara said before setting fire to a mountain of cash.

Comedian Eddie Izzard had to postpone his planned tribute to Nelson Mandela last week. His original goal of running 27 marathons in 27 consecutive days was disrupted by what he called "unforeseen medical complications," or as one doctor put it: "the most foreseeable medical complications in the history of medicine."

Los Angeles bans plastic shopping bags, still okay with plastic funbags.

John Mayer said he once sang a page from 50 Shades of Grey to try and woo a woman. It might have worked, too, had he not been John Mayer at the time.

Next season, the NFL is making knee and thigh-pads mandatory for players. It may impede the players ability to see, however, since I'm assuming they'll be wrapping them around their skulls to prevent Traumatic Brain Injury.

And finally, two homosexual characters from the popular comic X-Men will be getting married. It's a great day for the rights of fictional characters everywhere. Oh, and the comic will not be on sale in North Carolina.

With that, I bid you good night. Or whatever. See you tomorrow! Through your computer's webcam! Which I've been secretly controlling!

Monday, May 28, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 29, 2012

Welcome back, everyone! Anyone have a weekend? Yeah, that's good stuff. Anyone have any jokes?

In Denver, a middle-aged man found out during a recent CT-scan for kidney stones, that he was actually born with both male and female sex organs. The man is taking it in stride, saying the biggest change he's noticed is his public restroom options just doubled.

Also, free drinks on Thursday! Or, at least half-off.

Rumors are circulating that Facebook is working to create their own smartphone. They're planning on including a shrinking data plan and each phone's contact list will come pre-loaded with a bunch of people you don't really know.

The middle east is currently under attack by a new malware threat called "Flame." It's already leaked another ten pages from President Assad's diary.

Speaking of Syria, a representative for the Model United Nations offered to take over on the Syria issue since the regular United Nations isn't interested.

In the U.K., Tony Blair faced questioning over the media's relationship to politicians during his time in office. He said, while he was Prime Minister, he chose not to fight the media, which just goes to show that the media doesn't have oil.

Speaking of the U.K., a majority of its citizens said they think the country is worse off under Queen Elizabeth II than it was before her reign. In a related story, a majority of U.K. citizens don't know how their country's government works.

Back in America, hair-failure Donald Trump and baseball-fetishist George Will got in a heated war of words over the weekend. The real loser: words.

And finally, actor/director/hero Robert DeNiro gained an honorary doctorate from Bates College, as well as his mother's approval. At last.

That's all for now! G'day!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 24, 2012

What's up, friends? How about we find out... together. Aww...

In Egypt, the national presidential election began yesterday. Security forces were on hand to respond to violence from Ron Paul supporters.

In Pakistan, the doctor who helped the CIA find Osama bin Laden was sentenced to 33 years in prison for treason. Should have been spying on Tyler Clementi instead.

A vial purported to contain a sample of Ronald Reagan's blood is up for auction. How about we infect the Gipper's sample with HIV? Maybe then the GOP would fund some AIDS research.

Speaking of the GOP, Newt Gingrich's private venture projects are going bankrupt, so he may have to get back into the presidential race. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE FREE MARKET!

Zoologists have found evidence of Chimps exhibiting human behavior recently. Specifically, they've noticed an increase in Chimps polluting the environment, buying lottery tickets and ignoring the news.

In Beijing, health officials are imposing an allowable limit of two flies per any public toilet. Any additional flies will be aborted. In a related story, Senator Larry Craig said "two flies per toilet? Sounds like a good start."

Secret Service agents dismissed in the prostitution scandal are contesting their firings, as well as their credit card bills.

And finally, Jack Kerouac's classic work On the Road is now a major motion picture, showing a whole new generation that writing doesn't need to be good to have an impact.

I'M LIVING PROOF! And that's it! Let's do it again tomorrow!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 23, 2012

It's late and I'm tired. Feast upon these jokes, you pioneers of comedy.

The Benihana restaurant chain is to be taken private in a $296 million deal. Although it will probably be somewhat higher after gratuity.

In more business news, the Motel 6 chain is also being sold to a private equity group for $1.9 billion dollars. But it would have been less if they'd booked it in the off season. Rookie mistake.

Catholic Cardinal Dolan lashed out at the Obama administration yesterday, saying that rules governing insurance coverage of contraceptives are "strangling" the Catholic church. Quick tip: if the contraceptives are strangling you, you're probably not using them properly. Also, you're probably celibate, so maybe you should shut up about it.

The Hip Hop Hall of Fame now has a permanent home in New York City. Take that, West Coast! You ain't reppin' shit now!

In Michigan, a mother is being sought by police for coercing her daughter into shoplifting a bunch of crap from Old Navy. Apparently she neglected the important lessons about not getting caught, and exactly what snitches get. (Hint: it's stitches)

"Actor" Bruce Willis said yesterday that Mitt Romney is an "embarrassment" and a "dissapointment," and this is coming from a guy who made Hudson Hawk and helped create Planet Hollywood.

In Seattle, an irate moviegoer punched a 10 year-old in the face when he wouldn't stop talking during a screening of Titanic 3D. Well, there's the next "silence is golden" PSA for the next generation. Also, the punch probably is the most dramatic use of 3D technology in cinema history.

And finally, a school psychiatrist in New Orleans posted racially inflammatory comments online about African American students. I believe the website was www.PleaseFireMe.com. Specifically, "Dr." Traina said that "young black thugs" need to be "put down like the dogs they are." Strangely, he also posted that dogs should be given adequately funded schools, community involvement and teachers who are invested in their success.

HOW IRONIC. Okay, that's all. Thanks for reading!

Monday, May 21, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 22, 2012

Bring on the Tuesday! Right, here we go.

On Sunday, tens of thousands of Ultra-Orthodox Jewish men gathered at Citi Field to protest the Internet. There would have been more, but no one could open the e-vite.

Mark Zuckerberg got married over the weekend. And on Monday morning, the value of his marriage dropped by 25%.

UK Prime Minister David Cameron said at this week' NATO summit that the UK will not desert the Afghan people after this war. And this time, they mean it.

Four tons of pot were found floating off the southern California coast this weekend. Great, so now we've got sharks with the munchies.

In his upcoming book, actor/director Billy Bob Thornton says our culture is crumbling. Prime evidence: he had sex with Angelina Jolie, and he's published a book.

A Boston University student was sentenced to pay $675,000 for illegally downloading 30 songs. To put that in Dharun Ravi terms, he would have to kill over 55 Tyler Clementis to get that same fine.

In Birmingham, UK, heavy metal superstars Black Sabbath are set to play a reunion gig as soon as they resolve a contract dispute with their original drummer. But rest assured, it's the most metal contract dispute in history. Pretty sure the contract is written in blood with lots of pentagrams.

And finally, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said recently that President Obama must "act like an adult" on the debt ceiling issue. Probably because Congress is already planning on acting like a bunch of babies.

And that's all! Until tomorrow, at least.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - May 21, 2012

Did anyone see the eclipse yesterday? Better than Breaking Dawn, am I right? Oh, that was bad. Okay, the rest of this will probably be better. Fingers crossed!

Blind Chinese activist Chen Guangcheng made it to America this weekend, spending Sunday in New York. However, sources close to the dissident said he was rethinking his new home after a chance encounter with Donald Trump.

Pakistan censored Twitter on Saturday over posts about the "Everybody Draw Muhammad Day" contest, saying it was blasphemous and disruptive to society. But you can still watch "Call Me Maybe" on youtube.

This weekend, the NAACP came out in favor of marriage equality after realizing "oh, yeah, civil rights! Forgot about that. Sorry!"

In a speech at the NATO conference in Chicago this weekend, Francoise Hollande calmed international concerns over NATO's proposed missile defense shield when he reminded the world that there's no way the thing will ever work.

The National Weather Service tracked the impressive buildup and precipitous weakening of Tropical Storm Alberto this weekend off the coast of South Carolina. Looks like it should have been called "Tropical Storm Newt Gingrich!" BOOM! Only four months late!

Speaking of elections, third-party Americans Elect won a spot on the 2012 Oregon presidential ballot, but they have no candidate, which puts them ahead of the GOP. BOOM! Romney's a stuffed shirt!

Google's Executive Chairman Eric Schmidt told graduates at Boston College to turn off their screens for one hour and look into the eyes of the person they love. Bad news for the unloved losers! Also, a good way to scare someone away is to stare into their eyes for an hour each day, especially if your loved one is a chimpanzee, as they interpret that as a sign of aggression and will rip your arms off.

And finally, Maria Sharapova won the Italian Open this weekend, or some other tennis thing, making it totally justifiable and not at all creepy to look at pictures of her on the Internet. Stare at that for an hour, Boston College.

...and, SCENE! Till tomorrow, friends.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 17, 2012

What a great day for making fun of stuff!

Happy Thursday, ladies. You ready for some jokes?

Hundreds of thousands of red baby crabs are invading the Cayman Islands this month as part of their seasonal migration. But they're not trying to evade taxes. They're animals, not assholes.

In asshole news, John Edwards' defense team rested its case yesterday without calling John Edwards to the stand to defend himself, probably because he still hasn't figured out how.

The trial also ended without calling his ex-mistress Rielle Hunter to the stand, although that's probably because the defense wasn't allowed any "booty calls."

Google announced its new search tool will work more like a human brain, which I'm guessing means search results will be misspelled, forgotten, and mostly porn.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn is countersuing the New York hotel maid who accused him of rape. He's suing her for $1,000,000, because he just can't stop screwing her.

In New York, a paralyzed woman was given a robotic arm that she can control with her thoughts. Previous prototypes were controlled by withholding sex and making passive-aggressive insults.

Speaking of passive-aggressive insults, Major League Baseball will be holding its 2013 All-Star game at the New York Mets' Citi Field.

And finally, the Department of Justice announced it is opening an investigation into the massive losses at JP Morgan Chase. In a related story, a fat guy just opened a new gym membership 10 miles from his house. Neither one is likely to get results.

Sorry for the downer! Let's do this again soon, okay?

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 16, 2012

Find your inner happy place, and go there now. Wait, no, stick around and read these jokes. Then tell your friends!

Former Newscorp executive Rebekah Brooks was indicted this week on charges related to her role in the News of the World phone hacking scandal. She stands accused of "perverting the course of justice," which means prosecutors have been reading her old paper.

In America, President Obama went on The View yesterday, and said that his wife Michelle was "relentless." Good, so maybe she can get us single payer healthcare.

In military news, Gen. John Allen, the top officer in Afghanistan, is leaving his post and returning home. At least someone gets to.

Sir Paul McCartney saved a drowning man, although witnesses to the feat said he was much better at saving people with John Lennon.

One half of all Americans think Facebook is a fad, according to a study from the last guy on Friendster.

JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon survived a shareholder attempt to strip him of his position, less than one week after he was found to have lost $2 billion of the company's money. Said Dimon, "I'M INVINCIBLE! BRING ON THE MORTGAGE-BACKED SECURITIES! I CAN'T LOSE!" And everything was fine.

Accused steroid-pusher Brian McNamee said that he saved steroid waste from injections he gave to Roger Clemens because his wife told him to. So now he's gonna have to hear about that for the rest of his life.

And finally, a man shopping in the garden section of an American Wal-Mart was bit by a rattlesnake. The surprised man survived, saying "I had no idea they even made rattlesnakes in China."

Okay, that's that. See you tomorrow!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 15, 2012

Let's get down to it.

The Dalai Lama won the $1.7 million Templeton Prize for spiritual progress, then announced that he's donating it all to charity. He's also won the Templeton Prize for passive aggressively telling us all that he's better than us.

In other Dalai Lama new, he alleged this week that China was behind a plot to teach women to poison him. China denied it furiously, saying "hey, who're you gonna believe? Oh, crap, that's right. Yeah, never mind. We did it."

In the U.K., popular puppet team Punch and Judy marked their 350th anniversary this year, placing them just behind The Simpsons in total episodes. Also, NBC has given the duo an honorary cancellation.

The founder of America Online sent a warning to Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg, telling him not to get distracted by the company's IPO, which is clearly where AOL fell off the rails.

In Oklahoma, Rep. James Lankford said he opposes legislation to protect the rights of gay people because he believes that being gay is a choice. But you have to be born stupid.

Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger said that TSA security screeners gave him "the full monty" during a recent trip in what must surely be the worst day of their lives.

Britney Spears signed a multi-million dollar deal to join X-Factor next season. She said she's very excited about the opportunity to be on the supply side of judging for a change.

And finally, Greek voters refused to accept austerity measures and rejected the Euro zone bailout plan, saying "hey, we created Western civilization, only fair that we get to destroy it, too."

And that's all. Thunder up!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - May 14, 2012

Happy belated Mothers' Day! And also, happy belated Mother's Day! Whichever spelling you prefer. Now, enjoy these jokes!

Yahoo! CEO Scott Thompson is stepping down after only four months on the job, making his transition the fasted that Yahoo! has ever been able to update anything.

"Hey, it's national Bike To Work Week!" says the sweaty guy in your office.

This weekend, Mitt Romney gave the commencement speech at Pat Robertson's Liberty University in his latest effort win the votes of bigots. Go get 'em, Mitt!

Romney also came under fire last week for alleged bullying he did of a gay student in high school. Romney countered that it's not reasonable to judge him for what he did as a child, unless of course he had been a young black male.

The Oklahoma Republican Party convention descended into violence this week as Ron Paul supporters clashed with Romney's. It got so bad that eventually both sides had to call the police to break it up, which was awkward considering that both sides wanted to cut public employees' salaries.

A janitor at Columbia University just graduated from the university with a bachelor's degree in classics. He's decided to keep his job, though, which makes him the most successful classics graduate in recent memory.

In technology news, Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin renounced his American citizenship so as to avoid U.S. taxes on the impending Facebook IPO because he's a piece of shit.

And finally, Japan powered down all of its nuclear power plants this month after the Fukushima disaster. Consequently, the government is expecting an increase in power shortages but a sharp decrease in Kaiju-related monster rampages. It's all about trade-offs.

That's all! Come by tomorrow for more biased jokes about stuff that's happening now. Bye!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 10, 2012

Happy Thursday! Do you have any drink specials? Oh, then you're probably not a bar in my neighborhood. Have joke, on me.

A United Airlines jet had to make an emergency landing in Denver yesterday because passengers were in danger of reaching their destination on time.

President Obama said yesterday in an interview that same-sex marriage "should be legal!" Yay, equality! Wait, hold on a second. Why did he say "should" and not "will be?" Oh, Barack, you've tricked us again!

Speaking of the President, he faced a challenge in Tuesday's West Virginia primary from a felon incarcerated in Texas. Look, I'm not saying we should vote a felon into the White House, but if he can get a real stimulus package through Congress, maybe we should consider it. Because I don't think anybody wants filibuster a bill endorsed by "President Knifey-Stab."

Reports leaked from Saudi and U.S. intelligence services indicate that the foiled Yemeni airplane bomb plot may actually be viral marketing for the forthcoming 24 movie.

Michele Bachmann just became a Swiss citizen, now holding dual citizenship in America and Switzerland, meaning she'll now have the opportunity to indignantly accuse people she disagrees with of being "un-Swiss."

The Japanese government is taking over TEPCO after the disaster at the Fukushima power plant. No word yet who will be taking over Congress after the last two years.

Punk rocker Tom Gabel came out as transgendered, shocking many who didn't realize that punk rock was still around.

And finally, the Indian Supreme Court suspended a plan to reintroduce cheetahs into the wild after special interest groups spent years cultivating relationships with members of the court who then refused to recuse themselves from cases involving their friends and business partners. Wait, no, sorry, I was thinking about the U.S. Supreme Court.

Doin' a heckuva a job, Roberts!

And that's all! If I can keep my inner Morrissey in check, there will be a podcast tomorrow. Till then, TOODLES!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 9, 2012

Welcome back, my friends! Did you miss me? Oh, go on. No, go on. Go on, read the rest of this. Then you might not miss me so much...

Burmese democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi was issued her first passport in 24 years this week, and was unfortunately squinting in her photo. Oh well, better luck next time!

A Nebraska man changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex this week because he thought of it before you did.

George Lucas said recently that education is the single most important job in America, which is why he has vowed to replace every American teacher with a computer-generated alien by 2020.

Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney on Monday after the presumptive candidate agreed to fight for tax breaks for sweater vests and idiots.

America's envoy to Pakistan is leaving the country after almost two years, which means Pakistan should probably get ready for some more drone strikes.

In entertainment news, NBC just picked up two new sitcoms for next season: 1600 Penn and Animal Practice. A spokesman said the network is thrilled to have the new shows, and can't wait to cancel them.

North Carolina voters passed a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage in the state, because fuck tolerance. Incidentally, "Fuck Tolerance" was going to be the new state motto, but the voters didn't know what the word "tolerance" meant, assumed it was French and that saying it would somehow make them all gay.

Seriously, 58% of North Carolina voters can fuck right off.

And finally, airport security screeners in Warwick, Rhode Island, found gun parts stashed in a child's stuffed animals. The child's father was shocked by the find, mostly because that meant he'd accidentally left all his heroin at home.

Okay, that's it! See you tomorrow! Unless you voted for North Carolina's Amendment One, in which case you can fuck right off!

Monday, May 7, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 8, 2012

I have no banter today. Absolutely none. I'm too busy thinking about The Avengers. You've seen it, right? You've gotta see it. Right after you read these jokes.

This week, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his third term as Russia's President, just in time for the next James Bond movie.

Yemeni and American intelligence agents foiled another airline underwear bomb plot yesterday with the help of special consultants Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.

Beef Products Inc., makers of the "pink slime" beef filler, are closing three plants and will punch anyone in the mouth who says "there's no such thing as bad publicity."

Medical researchers believe that a compound in curry may fight bowel cancer. By blasting the cancer right out your ass.

In South Korea, customs agents are cracking down on smugglers bringing in capsules of powdered human flesh from China. They're just trying to protect the domestic market.

Bad news for Disney, the French theme park, Euro Disney, is reporting high losses due to higher wage costs, renovations, and the overall suckiness of Euro Disney.

The CEO of Yahoo! has been accused of fabricating part of his resume, because he apparently wanted a job at Yahoo!

And finally, Governor Paul LePage of Maine said yesterday that unemployed people need to "get up off the couch" and get a job. Also, they need to get up because that couch is being repossessed by the bank.

And that is all. See you tomorrow!

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - May 7, 2012

Did you see the supermoon this weekend? Unfortunately I missed it, as I for some reason assumed it was in reference to J.Lo’s ass. That’s what you get when you assume. Anyway, that’s all the banter I have in my heart. Oh, except to say that I called off this past week’s podcast, as it got really dark and creepy. And I prefer to keep things light and creepy. We’ll try it again this week. In the meantime, get your USDA recommended dose of topical humor.

In Sandford, Florida, lawyers for George Zimmerman called for calm before the trial, saying “let’s not prejudge anyone.” Right, because that’s how this mess got started in the first place.

In France, an obviously confused electorate voted into office Francois Hollande, a suspected socialist. He’s suspected of being a socialist as he was running on the Socialist ticket. Very sneaky... No word yet on his Kenyanisity.

In confused American politics, Senator John McCain told Mitt Romney that his Vice Presidential pick should be “someone you trust.” John McCain from 2008 then replied “sorry, what was that?”

Rapper/Father Jay-Z said this weekend that his daughter Blue Ivy may be the “worst, spoiled little kid ever.” And that’s coming from a guy who knows Kanye West.

In sadder musical news, Adam Yauch, AKA MCA of the Beastie Boys, passed away on Friday. This weekend, Madonna said that MCA was one of a kind and important to her musical history. She said this because she was not close enough to literally spit on his grave.

At London’s Heathrow Airport, U.K. Border Force failed to meet processing time targets for arrivals last month. That’s probably because of United.

Korean pop star Kim Hyun-joong plans to kick off his next tour by high-fiving all 3,000 fans expected at his first show in Singapore, making his hand “Patient Zero” for the next flu epidemic.

The 1927 film Wings, the first movie to win the Oscar for Best Picture, is back in theaters! And now, of course, it’s in 3-D.

And finally, the United Nations has imposed sanctions on three North Korean state-owned companies after the failed rocket test last month. Hopefully, they blacklisted the companies that built the rocket. Those guys suck.


That’s all! See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 3, 2012

How about some Thursday? Drink it in...

The president of the popular microblog Tumblr resigned this week. Unfortunately, his resignation was reblogged so many times, the unemployment rate went up another 2%.

Blind Chinese dissident Chen Guangcheng accidentally left the U.S. Embassy yesterday while trying to find a bathroom.

North Korean GPS jamming signals interfered with South Korean flights this week, despite the fact that the captain had turned on the "NO GPS Jamming" sign.

This month, France is celebrating the 600th birthday of Joan of Arc with bonfires across the country.

In the U.K., the Ministry Of Defense is preparing for the upcoming Olympics by installing surface-to-air missiles on apartment building around London to protect the events and to facilitate "the most badass triathalon in history."

Edvard Munsch's "Scream" sold at auction yesterday for $120 million, making it the most expensive piece of Home Alone tribute art in the world.

In North Carolina, Cate Edwards left John Edwards' trial in tears when it was revealed that her father is, in fact, John Edwards.

And finally, a new medical study reveals that Taser shots to chest can cause heart attacks, according to world-renowned cardiologist Dr. Obvious.

If you made it through that, I commend you. Come back tomorrow for the multimedia extravaganza.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 2, 2012

Happy hump day. Read that how you will. Got a lot to get through today, hope you're ready for it. Alright, let's get serious.

Sanford, Florida, just hired a new interim police chief. Their main criteria for hiring: looking for someone who hasn't seen the news in the last three months.

Five anarchists were arrested in a plot to blow up a Cleveland bridge yesterday or in 1908. Fortunately, no one was injured in the plot, and LeBron James' title as Biggest Asshole In Cleveland History is unchallenged.

Members of British Parliament said yesterday that Rupert Murdoch is "not a fit boss" for NewsCorp. In the U.K., "fit" is also slang for attractive. Both interpretations work here.

Also in the U.K., the National Health Service is working with Facebook to promote organ donation. Tie it in to Farmville, and you'll be neck-deep in kidneys.

French National Front leader Marine Le Pen said she would be abstaining from the upcoming presidential election. Dominique Strauss-Kahn responded to the news by saying "what is that word, 'abstaining?'"

Duran Duran will be headlining an outdoor concert to mark the beginning of the Olympics this year. Also joining them in this retro event: The Soviet Union.

Studio spokespersons for MGM said that the next James Bond film will explore a more "depressed" James Bond, which I suppose explains why they have him drinking Heineken.

And finally, Nadya Suleman, now broke and fending for 14 children, said that she's open to acting in a pornographic film, although she won't touch another "human's flesh." Thanks, Octomom, for continuing to make things creepy. Although I think down the line she might come to regret making the distinction of not touching "human" flesh.

Yep, leaving it at that. See you tomorrow!