Thursday, March 29, 2012

Friday Morning Podcast - March 30, 2012

In today's episode, I talk about some stuff. It's 80% less horrible than last week's episode. And still robot-free. Not sure if that's a good thing or not. Enjoy!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 29, 2012

Good to see you! The week is almost over, have you accomplished anything? If you have, keep it to yourself, overachiever. Now let's joke about semi-serious things.

Newt Gingrich just laid off a third of his campaign staff, blaming financial trouble. Thanks, Obama. Mitt Romney recommend outsourcing the campaign to Chinese workers.

Queen Elizabeth II will be getting her own wax statue at Madame Tussauds in London. So finally we'll be able to see a lifelike version of her. Because she doesn't look real.

The FBI licensed the Unreal game engine to assist in their training program. This should prove helpful in recovering all those flags that keep getting stolen.

A new painting by the long-dead painter Rembrandt is going on display, thus cementing his place as the art world's Tupac.

The bassist for Staind donated $150,000 for the purchase of an ambulance in rural Massachusetts, selfishly denying us our God-given right to hate him. What a philanthropic jerk.

NewsCorp Australia is now involved in a new hacking scandal, proving again that Australia always gets into trends two years too late.

Alicia Silverstone is mouth-feeding her toddler, so now mommy bloggers can have their own "Two Girls One Cup." Don't Google that.

And finally, Magic Johnson just bought the LA Dodgers because he's used to beating the odds.

That's all! See you tomorrow, maybe? Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 28, 2012

No time for joviality. We've got jokes to get through.

Hacker group LulzSec is back in action, announcing a recent attack on the armed forces dating website, in a coordinated effort they've dubbed "Operation Cockblock."

Beef Products Inc. is reeling from outrage over their so-called "pink slime" beef additive. In response to the negative press, they'll be rebranding the filler as "Rosy Ooze." Which sounds like a roller derby player.

Octomother Nadya Suleman just posed for topless photos for the British magazine Closer in order to pay rent and feed her children. Does this sound to anyone else like a soft-core porn adaptation of Bleak House?

Khloe Kardashian quit PETA this week, after the organization offered to pay court costs for the woman who threw a flour-bomb at Kim Kardashian. Khloe had previously posed nude for their anti-fur campaign, at which point it somehow didn't occur to her that the organization was insane.

New research indicates that eating chocolate can help you slim down, says the sad woman at your office.

AT&T is rolling out a new loyalty program, offering special incentives for customers to stay with the mobile phone giant. They're offering increased tech support, waived fees, and discounts on some products. Decent service is still unavailable.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested in Paris this week on charges of pimping. In response to the pimping charges, the defiant Strauss-Kahn issued a statement through his lawyers that he would persevere through this newest trial. He went on to say that his eventual triumph would not be easy, but it is necessary. He then added, "bitch better have my money."

And finally, in related Dominique Strauss-Kahn news, the embattled lady-enthusiast was held in jail overnight before being released on bail. Hmm. One night without hookers. This does not bode well for the women of Paris.

Take heed, take cover, and take another little piece of my heart. See you tomorrow, friends.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 27, 2012

Welcome back! Let's see, where were we? Oh, yeah.

This weekend, the Archbishop of Canterbury used his time at the pulpit to publicly attack what he called "welfarism" in the UK, saying that it is unhealthy for people to depend on handouts from the government. Donation plates were then passed around.

In London, a woman was charged with breaking into Simon Cowell's house. Not only is she facing jail time, but also a withering rebuke-filled assessment of her performance in the crime from Mr. Cowell. Time served, I say.

Remember Mike Daisey and The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs? Remember how started a petition online to protect Chinese workers' rights? Well, now that the story has been discredited, organizers are trying to recall the petition. But mainly because they think that most of the 250,000 signatures are names that Mike Daisey made up.

Dolly Parton's workplace musical 9 to 5 is set for its UK debut, although it is now being promoted as a fantasy, due to the fact that all the characters have full-time jobs.

Blogging website Tumblr will start banning all blogs devoted to "harming oneself," which means they'll be taking down all the Jersey Shore recaps. Amirite?! Also, people cutting themselves and engaging in eating disorders. Which are marginally more disgusting than Paulie D.

Mad Men is back, so now we can all get back to pretending it's our favorite show.

Correction from yesterday: Gallagher is not retiring, he's just refocusing on his health. And if he goes after his health with the same focus and dedication he applied to improving his comedy, he'll be dead in a week.

And finally, drivers for a medical marijuana delivery company reported that a group of men "dressed as ninjas" robbed their truck recently. Yeah, of course they did.

Okay, that's all. Come back tomorrow for more free entertainment worth every penny!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - March 26, 2012

Hey, it's International Blog Week! No, it's probably not. But it's a new week, with new jokes. And they are...

James Cameron boarded a submarine yesterday and journeyed to the deepest part of the Earth. It's like he's a metaphor for not his films.

President Obama warned North Korea against restarting their missile program, saying it would accomplish nothing and only serve to further isolate them from the rest of the world. In that sense, a ballistic missile program is just like decades of ignorance and racism in Mississippi.

Dick Cheney got a heart transplant over the weekend, so there's one less runaway on the streets. By the way, great work, Science.

Geraldo Rivera said on FOX News last week that Trayvon Martin's hoodie had a contributing role in his shooting death. Like all those monks that keep getting blown away. Perhaps he'd change his tune if the hoodie lobby were pumping more money into conservative politics...

Gallagher survived a heart attack, but announced his retirement from comedy. This shocking development left comedy fans around the world wondering "how was Gallagher still around?"

Film director Todd Phillips said that the next Hangover film will be the last. Which is oddly similar to what alcoholics say.

In Vienna last week, musicians performed a recently discovered piece written by Mozart as a child. The long lost work was called "Symphony for Anna, the Booger Eater."

In Mexico, Pope Benedict XVI held an open-air mass, where he condemned the country's violent drug trade. Because what kind of monsters would use violence to make sure people used their drugs? That would be positively medieval.

Ugh, my hand got so heavy as I typed that.

And finally, a Finnish study found that people who live alone are 80% more likely to experience depression that those who live with others. The numbers are even worse for people who live in Finland.

...and scene. Come back tomorrow! Until then, thank you for reading, and have a great day!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Friday Morning Podcast - March 23, 2012

First ever podcast on this blog to not feature a robot. Talking about tumeric, comic books, fake meat, current events and Friday Night Lights

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 22, 2012

It's Thursday! Some stuff happened, and continues to happen. Let's make fun of it.

Many film fans were confused this week by the DVD packing for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which is made to look like a burned disc. I'm thinking if you can't figure out the DVD packaging, you're probably going to have a hard time following the movie. Maybe try Twilight?

In Zimbabwe, six activists narrowly avoided jail time for inciting violence by talking about the Arab Spring. They were, unfortunately, convicted on separate charges of talking about Fight Club.

Huh, already have two David Fincher jokes. I wonder if I can make it to Se7en. Nope. Just three.

In Alaska, a broken toilet stranded a United Airlines flight for two days. Or, as United calls it, "a short layover."

Children in the UK will soon be able to play at Angry Birds activity parks popping up all over the country, because even children have data worth mining.

Users of the new iPad complain that the machine can heat up to 116 degrees, making it the most expensive heating pad you are ever likely to buy. Also, it's the year's hottest new blah blah blah stupid joke.

PayPal Here, a new service that allows people and stores to read credit cards with smart phones, has already signed up thousands of users. The main selling point is that you can put real human interaction back into identity theft.

Former actor Kirk Cameron went on "Fox and Friends" to defend his reputation yesterday against charges of homophobia and bullying. And let's be clear, he's not a bully. He's just a guy who doesn't understand the Bible.

And finally, in other religious news, one of Mexico's most brutal drug cartel pledged to hold off on any violence during Pope Benedict XVI's visit. Not sure if that's because they're afraid of him or not. But whatever the reason, can we get the Pope to move to Mexico?

Alright, that's it. More to come, whenever it does. Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 21, 2012

Good (time of day) my (level of familiarity) (relationship)! How are you? After these jokes, maybe it will be marginally better. But hey, what else have you got to do for the next three minutes?

On the occasion of her Diamond Jubilee, Queen Elizabeth rededicated herself to serving the UK. And Satan.

Profits are down for high end jeweler Tiffany and Company. But don't worry, profits will be back up just as soon as Gingrich gets out of the campaign. Because he won't be in a position to ruin the economy anymore.

In a new special feature, Gmail will now tell you why a message was classified as "junk" or "spam." It won't, however, tell you why she'll never write back and/or never love you.

A woman in Elkhart, Indiana, claims to have found a feather in her Chicken McNugget. A spokesman for the company said, "impossible! Those things have never been near a bird."

New trend in business, as job applicants are being asked for their Facebook passwords. MySpace accounts are unaffected.

In the UK, Adele's 21 has overtaken Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon as the number one selling album in UK history. Because kids in the UK no longer smoke pot.

Americans are up in arms over the recent enhanced screening of a wheelchair-bound toddler by the TSA. Unfortunate. They did, however, find two knives and a can of mace.

And finally, Rick Santorum's campaign has sold over $300,000 worth of sweater vests to donors. Good news, everyone! It just got easier to spot assholes!

That's it! Later, friends!

Monday, March 19, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 20, 2012

Good Tuesday to you! Has your bracket exploded yet? What about some other sporty terms? Yeah, you know it! Okay, how about a joke or eight?

In election news, Mitt Romney won the Puerto Rico primary, despite pandering awkwardly to the electorate by saying that he loves reggaeton and not being able to vote in presidential elections.

Business news! UPS just bought rival TNT Express for $6.77 billion. Just to be clear, TNT Express is a European delivery service, whereas TNT Network is a Law and Order delivery service.

Monologist Mike Daisey got a standing ovation at his final performance of The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs. At least, that's what he said.

A British medical study found that spaceflight may cause brain and eye damage. Guess it's a good thing we never went to space, right? Also the world is flat.

Comedian Gallagher suffered a heart attack last week, but is reportedly doing much better. Doctors said he came out of his medically induced coma and began immediately telling jokes. We applaud the doctors for resisting the urge to put him back under.

The judge in the Desperate Housewives trial declared a mistrial yesterday, because nothing associated with Desperate Housewives has a reasonable, satisfying conclusion.

The Somali National Theatre reopened this week after being closed for two decades due to the Somali civil war. They would have reopened sooner, actually, but their first production was directed by Julie Taymor.

And finally, the owners of the New York Mets have reached an agreement to repay over $162 million to investors who were duped in the Bernie Madoff scandal. No word yet on reparations for those who were duped into being Mets fans.

That's all! See you tomorrow!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - March 19, 2012

Top of the morning to you. It's time for "hilarity" once more. Read on, and enjoy to your heart's content.

In Louisiana, rapper Lil' Wayne was ordered by the state to cut the grass at his mansion. A confused Snoop Dogg showed up immediately, offering to help.

Oprah Winfrey's "OWN" network just cancelled Rosie O'Donnell's talk show. They could have handled it more delicately, though. Instead, Oprah called the production staff into her office and just started shouting "YOU'RE GETTING FIRED! AND YOU'RE GETTING FIRED! AND YOU'RE GETTING FIRED!"

And you're getting sick of that particular Oprah punchline. I'll do my best to retire it. Just like Oprah retired Rosie.

Actor-activist George Clooney was arrested in a protest outside the Sudanese embassy last week. Finally, someone who has some credibility when he says "I'm too pretty for prison."

A British study found that children as young as ten years old are familiar with popular alcohol brands, thanks to advertising. So now it's more important than ever for parents to tell their children which brands of booze are actually good. Otherwise kids will just drink Smirnoff Ice and never move past it. And that's just sad.

In Russia, two young punk rock musicians, who happen to be young girls, were thrown in prison for praying to the Virgin Mary to deliver the country from Vladimir Putin. Once you use the power of the state to protect yourself from the prayers of a couple of girls, suddenly you don't seem that macho any more.

An exhibit at the Nixon library in California just went up with several love letters written by the former president to his wife. And just like most everything associated with Richard Nixon, large portions have been redacted, this time for decency.

Film director Kevin Smith said recently that podcasting saved his career, proving that podcasts are stronger than Jersey Girl. Thank goodness.

And finally, in Austin, Texas, entrepreneurs came under criticism for turning local homeless people into mobile wi-fi hotspots during South By South West. But it's not nearly as bad as their original plan, to somehow turn homeless people into some kind of living, breathing, satirical statement about the embarrassing gulf between rich and poor in this country, and how easy it is to ignore said gulf. Thank goodness that didn't happen.

Okay, that's all.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 15, 2012

Hello, friends. Hunker down and dig in on these here jokes.

In Qatar, organizers for the World Cup are questioning the need to sell alcoholic beverages at the games, indicating that they've never actually been to a sporting event.

Bad news for Bear Grylls, star of Man vs. Wild, who was fired from his show by Discovery Channel. Although he's already shopping a new program: Man vs. Unemployment. Also bad news for everyone looking for a job, because now they have to compete with Bear Grylls. Good luck with that.

Encyclopaedia Britannica will no longer be publishing actual, physical books, opting instead for an electronic version. So now, instead of a long row of dusty, unopened books on your shelf, it will just be a small, dusty thumb drive. PROGRESS!

Former 90210 star Jennie Garth is getting divorced. I can't help but blame Shannon Doherty.

Rick Santorum is attacking Mitt Romney for how Romney reportedly treated the family dog during a long road trip. Santorum suggested that Romney should have shown the dog greater love, but then again if he had, Santorum would probably just accuse Romney of being gay. Because Santorum said that homosexuality was the equivalent of bestiality.

He sucks.

Russia said yesterday that it will not intervene military to protect Syrian presidential monster Bashar Assad. Unless, of course, his check clears.

The ruling junta in Burma has agreed to televise a speech by opposition leader Aun San Suu Kyii, but they do reserve the right to swap out the audio for the sound of someone farting.

And finally, election officials in Egypt reported that 500 people are running for the nation's presidency (despite what happened to the last one). Donald Trump has threatened to make it 501.

That's that! More later. Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 14, 2012

It's late and I'm tired. Here are some jokes.

In Los Angeles, a local little league baseball team returned a donation from a neighborhood strip club. It's not that they didn't appreciate the thought, but it turns out players are actually forbidden from wearing uniforms with nipple tassels. It's a safety issue.

Speaking of nipple tassels, representatives from the Malawi government said they are "fed up" with Madonna. Join the club.

Former X-Files star Gillian Anderson told Out magazine that she has had numerous relationships with women over the years, which proves the theory that if enough nerds wish hard enough, dreams can come true. And by "hard enough" I do mean "with erect penises." And by "dreams" I mean "sex dreams."

Speaking of dreams coming true, KISS rocker Gene Simmons is opening a restaurant chain. Be sure and try the tongue sandwich. But watch out for the ketchup. IT'S BLOOD!

Retail megalith Wal-Mart will soon be offering a "disc-to-digital" cloud service for DVDs sold in their stores, so you can watch Larry the Cable Guy anywhere.

In Atlanta, a Delta Airlines jet suffered serious damage when it rolled off the taxiway this weekend. Or is it just the worst bus service available? Either way, it's still better than United.


In Iran, government representatives canceled a planned ceremony to honor Oscar winner Asghar Farhadi, much to the chagrin of Bruce Vilanch and the 45 minutes of shitty jokes he wrote in Farsi.

And finally, former Vice President Richard "Penis" Cheney canceled an upcoming trip to Canada. Seems he just didn't have the heart for it.

There it is. For better or not so better. See you tomorrow.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 13, 2012

Nothing you can do about it now. It's Tuesday. And it's gonna be for a while. Hopefully this will help you pass the time.

Last night the season finale of The Bachelor aired, finally revealing the show's winner: everyone who watched something else.

Mitt Romney said this weekend that he's friends with the owners of the New York Jets and the Miami Dolphins, ignoring advice from his handlers to only associate with winners...

Speaking of winners, Yahoo! is suing Facebook for patent infringement. Apparently they caught wind of Facebook's new Stagnate and Become Irrelevant Division.

In an interview with Elle UK, Jon Hamm called Kim Kardashian stupid. Oh, I see what's going on. Jon likes her, but he's afraid to tell her... Classic.

In a related story: Why the hell is Jon Hamm going all Joaquin Phoenix in the pages of Elle UK? That sort of biting social commentary is really more at home in Norwegian Cosmo Girl.

Federal courts blocked or overturned new GOP-sponsored voter ID laws in Texas and Wisconsin. Lawmakers have proposed a new system, though. In stead of having to present an ID, brown people will simply have to guess a number between 1 and 1000.

And finally, a group of young Amish men were arrested for drunken buggy racing this weekend when one of them crashed his buggy into a police car.

...and this calls for another, PUNCHLINE SWARM! GO!!!!!

...This was actually a scene from the upcoming film, The Fast and the Forgiving.

... I just wonder, what was the horse drinking?

... They were on their way back from a night of carousing and debauchery at the local ankle bar.

... Too bad for them there was a Witness to the crash.

... Clearly, somewhere, someone just lost a bet.

... The man is part of a new road safety campaign. "Buckling up isn't just for hats"

... At least his insurance won't go up. Because the Amish can't buy insurance. Because it's against their religion.

... Still way more interesting than NASCAR.

Okay, that's it for today. Let's try again tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - March 12, 2012

Good time of day to you! How was your 47 hour weekend? I'm pretty sure if I had that extra hour I could have solved the whole economic crisis thing. But I didn't. So thanks a lot, G.V. Hudson. I did have time to write these jokes. So you can read them.

In politics, Newt Gingrich said this weekend that Mitt Romney was the weakest GOP front runner in the last 90 years. He also said that self-awareness is for losers.

An Egyptian court acquitted a doctor charged with performing unwanted virginity tests on female protesters. He's already found a new job, too, working for Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell.

Nicolette Sheridan's wrongful termination suits against Desperate Housewives is almost over, which is one reason the trial is better than the show.

Former presidential candidate Rick Perry said today that if he runs for president again in 2016, he will definitely "remember the third thing." The fact that he's calling it the "third thing" means he's probably forgotten it already.

Internet videos about the atrocities committed by Ugandan shit-bastard Joseph Kony have gone viral, although the auto-tuned versions were probably not needed.

Bruce Springsteen performed at the Apollo Theater this weekend. The show was going well until he started playing his new stuff and the clown pushed him off the stage.

And finally, a NASA scientist claims he was fired from his job for believing in the "intelligent design" theory of evolution. He also believes that self-awareness is for losers.

That's it. See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 8, 2012

One more time, my friends. Here are some jokes of varying levels of hilarity. Enjoy at will!

PayPal is demanding vendors remove "obscene" e-books or lose their PayPal accounts. That means The Fountainhead, right?

In Michigan, a million dollar lottery winner is now on public assistance. What a shock that someone who buys lottery tickets would have trouble managing money.

Ugandan mega-shit Joseph Kony has been targeted by Twitter users who are trying to shed light on his atrocious crimes and inspire others to take action against him. If it works, maybe we can finally do something about Chris Brown and Whitney.

Following Mitt Romney's "Super Tuesday" wins, fellow candidates Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich both rejected calls to quit. One analyst explained "they've based their entire campaigns on making horrible decisions, why would they stop now?"

The classic computer game SimCity is returning with a special "City Manager Version" on sale only in Michigan. It's just like the regular game, except you have absolutely no say in what happens, and your cities end up getting sold off to golf course developers.

Country singer Jerrod Niemann's tour bus burned up in Tennessee yesterday, spawning another hit single for Niemann.

In international news this week, Hamas denied being proxy for Iran, according to an Iranian press release.

And finally, the ReelzChannel has scheduled a pro-Palin documentary to air the same weekend as HBO's new film Game Chang. According to a representative from ReelzChannel (which does not in fact sound real), their decision is not motivated at all by politics. Nope, it's motivated by money, just like Sarah Palin.

BOOM! Okay, that wraps it up for me. Let's do this again soon, what do you say? Until then, have a series of great days. And don't forget to set your clocks ahead one hour! To help remind you, here's "Clocks."

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 7, 2012

Wednesday is here once again. And it's brought you these jokes!

Dunkin' Donuts is reaching into Chinese markets and trying to appeal to local tastes with a new pork donut on the menu. And if all goes well, they'll soon be unveiling their new recipe for bear claws. Made with bear claws.

This next joke isn't a joke so much as a headline that caught my eye. From
Well, can't argue with that.

Speaking of Limbaugh, he got dumped by another radio station. If this keeps up, it will be a good thing. Seriously, though, he's been dumped by almost as many radio stations as he has been by women.

He sucks.

Musician and walking freakout Lady Gaga just broke 20 million followers on Twitter, which is about five times as many Scientologists as there are in the world. That news wouldn't be so disturbing if her next project wasn't a book called Gaganetics.

French President Nicholas Sarkozy says France "has too many foreigners." And he's right. I've been there. It was crawling with all sorts of Europeans. Mainly the French.

Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow will not be on The Bachelor next season. Probably because he's already agreed to be on The Biggest Loser. Yeah, take that, you successful, attractive, happy person. Loser.

Hundreds of comic books were damaged at Pittsburgh's ToonSeum by rain this weekend, which just goes to show that's what happens when you don't take proper care of your things and put them away when you're done! I mean I didn't want for this to happen, but if that's what it takes for you to learn that lesson, better now than later. Now come on, let's throw those moldy things out before you get sick and I'll take you out for a soda.

I don't know where that came from. Sorry.

And finally, Broadway director Julie Taymor claims there was a sinister plot to undermine her during the production of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Producers shot back saying it was ridiculous, that nothing resembling a plot has ever been associated with the show.

And that's what it is! What? That's the end of jokes. Forever. Until tomorrow.


Monday, March 5, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 6, 2012

Okay, here we go. Can you overdose on Vitamin C? I'm gonna find out. While I do that, enjoy these jokes!

The Rolling Stones released a 50th anniversary photo book. If you flip the pages backwards really fast, you can actually see them become relevant.

A Spanish bullfighter who lost sight in one eye and has partial facial paralysis after being gored by a bull returned to the ring this weekend for some reason.

Japanese scientists found that Vitamin E may be bad for bones, and recommend that you don't rub Vitamin E directly into your bones.

Sony music confirmed all of Michael Jackson's music was stolen by hackers. His credit card numbers are intact. Sure there's something in there about another black musician's work being stolen, too. is a new web service where you can gripe about companies that irritate you. And I've been trying for half an hour to post a review, but the stupid interface isn't working! If only there was some place, where I could vent my frustration...

AOL just dropped Rush Limbaugh over his "slut" comments from last week. They were getting complaints from users who were having trouble searching for actual sluts.

Limbaugh yesterday said that his apology to Fluke was "heartfelt," although he did mispronounce the word.

And finally, Vladimir Putin has already declared victory in the GOP's Super Tuesday races. Поздравляю!

That's all for now! До свидания!

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - March 5, 2012

Oh, happy Monday my friends. Did you have an amazing weekend? Then keep it to yourself. I spent all weekend seeing just how many cubic feet of Kleenex I could soil with only the power of my nose. It's a sizable number. But in between, I was able to craft you these jokes. Don't worry, I washed my hands first.

North Korea agreed to halt its uranium enrichment program in exchange for food. So now that it's worked once, you should expect to see homeless people carrying that on cardboard signs from now on.

In Japan, researchers created violin strings out of spider silk. They say the sound is great, but you have to keep stopping the music to clean off all the flies that get stuck to it.

In spring training baseball news, Atlanta Braves' Julio Teheran gave up six home runs against the Detroit Tigers, which makes him the best thing to happen to the Tigers in decades.

Following Rush Limbaugh's latest douchbaggery, seven advertisers have pulled out of his show. If he loses any more, he'll end up on NBC.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin declared victory in the recent presidential "elections." Still not sure why he made the air quote symbol when he did it.

George Clooney took to the stage this weekend in a play based on the anti-gay marriage referendum Proposition 8. Clooney said he wants all people to have the same rights he does. Namely, the right to decide to never, ever get married. Ever.

Actor John Cusack said in an interview this weekend that making a sequel to his 1997 film Con Air 2 "would be fun." He then added, "no, I never actually watched the first one all the way through. Why do you ask?"

And finally, computer hackers reportedly took control of key NASA computers in 2011.

...wait a minute. I think it's time for a PUNCHLINE SWARM! Let's go!

...Authorities were astounded to hear that any hackers were still familiar with TANDY machines.

...The surprising thing is that any key NASA computers were actually turned on in 2011.

...NASA reportedly will have to spend thousands of dollars re-installing special-effects software on the machines.

...It was really easy. They just bought the machines at a garage sale.

...That would explain why turned into

...Thank goodness NASA doesn't actually do anything.

Okay, that's all for now! Please feel free to post your own punchline. Maybe I'll retweet it. I'm probably not going to do that. I shouldn't make that promise. But it could still be fun, and shoutouts could be had! Till tomorrow, keep watching the skies!