Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 1, 2011

Guess what? It's Thursday! Can you see the light at the end of the week? Does it look like it's shining through the bottom of a pint glass? Then let's get through this quick as a bunny. Is that a saying? I don't know. Have some jokes.

Good news, people who love history to repeat! China lowered their bank reserve ratio, allowing banks to lend more money out, thus lowering the bar for lenders thus making it easier for people with poor credit ratings to get... oh, I see what you did there, China.

Speaking of money, Israel just released $100million in tax revenue they had been withholding from the Palestinian authority. Way to fight stereotypes, Israel.

Good news! More American children have health insurance than they did a year ago! Bad news. More kids now rely on free school lunches than ever before. Well, at least they have health insurance to treat all the diabetes they're going to get from school lunches.

Hey, technology! NASA is launching an app store! It's like a regular app store, but everything costs $4billion and when the apps crash they can't be relaunched.

Medicine! Doctors in America are studying possible medicinal uses for hallucinogens for treating mental health issues like post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and an inability to fully appreciate laserlight Pink Floyd shows.

In Christmas news, Rockafeller center welcomed a giant Spruce from Mifflinville, Pennsylvania. So that's how you get out of Mifflinville, Pennsylvania.

In India, a disgruntled snake charmer released dozens of snakes in a local tax office, apparently protesting a tax hike on ridiculous stereotypes. Also, that's some serious dedication to a protest. Pretty sure if the Occupy protesters had a bunch of snakes, the cops would have stayed the hell away.

And finally, AMR, the parent company of American Airlines, filed for bankruptcy protection. The company vowed, however, to make sure the reorganization process in no way prevents them from delaying your flight.

And that ends the jokes. I hope your December gets off to a great start! Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks joy, and I'll see you on Monday.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 30, 2011

Begin coasting now, everyone. It's the middle of the week. Time to not give a damn. Except for jokes. You should always take jokes seriously. Like these, for instance.

Herman Cain said yesterday that due to the latest allegations that he has been having an affair, he will "reassess" his campaign, which likely means he will be looking for a new piece of ass on his campaign staff.

He likes the ladies.

Good news, book fans! Fahrenheit 451, the cautionary tale of technology's power to sap our humanity, is finally out as an eBook. This is great, because I was looking for a way to read great sci-fi literature while still signaling to the world that I in no way understand what I'm reading.

Speaking of not getting it, Miley Cyrus came out in support of the Occupy Wall Street movement. No comment yet from Hannah Montana.

The Gay Softball World Series settled a suit from three players who were banned in 2008 because they were suspected of not being gay. I can't tell if this is a step forward for gay rights or not.

In Connecticut, a pair of wealth fund managers won a $254 million lottery prize this weekend. One of them said, "wow, this would be really exciting if I weren't already so wealthy!"

John Hinckley is petitioning for release from a D.C. mental hospital on the grounds that he's no longer a danger to society as it turns out Reagan is dead and Jodie Foster is a lesbian.

In the UK, a toilet designer is working on urinal video games to "combat boredom" in the bathroom. The first game is "Space Invaders," but it has more to do with people who stand too close to you while you pee. Also, you really should wash your hands after touching the joystick.

And finally, the National Institute of Health in the UK found that patients in admitted to the hospital on the weekend are more likely to die than people admitted during the week. So, plan your heart attacks accordingly.

See, told you it was time to coast. I hope you enjoyed these, and hope you'll check out more tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 29, 2011

Hey, how are you doing? Yes, you specifically. Are you having a great day? Goodness, it's difficult to feign interest. But then again, you're reading this, aren't you? And now for jokes...

Oh happy day! Yesterday US stocks rose on the backs of consumer spending over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend! Yes, we're back on the road to recovery, and all it took was for Americans to go out in droves to purchase things things they don't need and can't possibly afford that were manufactured overseas for a fraction of what they would cost if those same Americans were hired to make them. Yep, that's a totally tenable situation. We'll be just fine.

Speaking of just fine, Newt Gingrich said yesterday that he's not perfect, but he's still better than Mitt Romney. In other news, Newt Gingrich will be marrying your Aunt Helen, because she's tired of waiting for true love and doesn't want to die alone.

In other marriage news, Herman Cain denied having a 13-year extra-marital affair. He was very specific about the 13-year part.

In Kansas, Governor Sam Brownback apologized for his staff's overreaction to tweet sent by a high school student saying that he sucked. He did not apologize for sucking. Nor did he apologize for Whitney, but by God, someone should.

In an interview this week, director Guy Ritchie called his marriage to Madonna a "soap opera," which I'm assuming means it was full of bad acting, just like a Madonna movie.

UCLA's football coach Rick Neuheisel said yesterday that he remains positive after being fired after losing to USC this weekend. An upbeat Neuheisel said, "hey, it could be worse."

"Popular" search site Bing reported that searches for Casey Anthony were more popular than Osama bin Laden this year. So, there you have it. Casey Anthony is more popular that Osama bin Laden. But it was close.

In more Microsoft news, the company announced that the next generation of Kinect controllers will be able to read lips and track finger gestures, which will come in handy when you start shouting profanities at the screen.

And finally, a survey found this week that a record number of young Japanese are single and plan to stay that way, which proves that young Japanese people are the most intolerable people on the planet.

Yep, the science on that checks out. And that's all for today! More tomorrow. Can't stop. Won't stop. Until then, have a great day!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - November 28, 2011

Vacation's over. Back to work. Happy Monday, or whatever. Did anyone else have to buy new pants this weekend? Anyway, here's some jokes to get your stuffing-filled bellies jiggling.

The Arab League voted to level sanctions against Syria yesterday, making them ineligible for this year's Arab Bowl.

In America, cities are spending millions of dollars to fund police department operations to clear out Occupy Wall Street protest camps while cutting funding to homeless shelters. Wait a minute, I think I just figured out the budget crisis.

New Hampshire's leading conservative newspaper, The Union Leader, called Mitt Romney the "perfect President for the 19th century." A confused Romney thanked The Union Leader for their endorsement.

Speaking of endorsements, The Union Leader actually did endorse Newt Gingrich. Which had nothing to do with the full page ad purchased by Tiffany and Co. on page C-2.

A high school student in Kansas was punished recently for tweeting that she thought Gov. Sam Brownback "sucked." The controversial tweet was seen by the girl's 60 followers, or in Kansas terms: an entire Congressional District. In a related story, the Governor's office contacted the school about the tweet because, as it turns out, the Governor is a big crybaby.

In Florida, three employees of a septic tank company are facing jail time for tricking customers into purchasing a special kind of toilet paper. Add that to the list of Worst Reasons to Go to Jail. I bet they feel pretty... badly about that. Thought I was going to say "shitty," right? Well, not this time.

NBC apologized last week for playing "Lyin' Ass Bitch" during Michele Bachmann's visit to Late Night with Jiummy Fallon, but have remained strangely silent on the issue of Whitney. Come on, NBC. America is waiting.

And finally, Rick Santorum went on the record at Tuesday's debate in support of religious profiling of Muslims by law enforcement. It's part of Santorum's efforts to sew up the bigot vote. Go get 'em, Rick!

And that's the end. More tomorrow, I promise. Until then, have a great day!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 23, 2011

Better late than never? We'll see about that. Here's 1.5 blogs for you.

Hulk Hogan's divorce was finalized today, and his ex-wife managed to get sole custody of their Hulkamania.

President Obama pardoned the White House turkey today, which is good news for other turkeys who are similar prisoners of conscience.

In France, hundreds of protesters blocked a train filled with nuclear waste headed for Germany. Although most of them were just hoping to get super powers.

In the UK over the weekend, the television series Dr. Who accidentally received an award meant for another series. But don't worry, they can just hop in the TARDIS and fix it. Right, nerds?

Newt Gingrich, the new GOP presidential frontrunner, is calling for a "humane" stance on immigration, in the clearest indication yet that he doesn't actually want to be president.

Due to the spread of Facebook and Twitter, sociologists now estimate that each person is separated from every other person by 4.72 people, instead of six, which means that 1.28 people are no longer necessary. I think I just figured out unemployment.

In financial news, Netflix is selling $200 million in bonds. But they're not calling them bonds. But then they are. But they're actually twice as expensive. But then they're not. But at least you can get them on your iPhone.

On the 700 Club, holy roller Pat Robinson caused some trouble this week when he asked if "mac and cheese" was a "black thing." In his defense, however, it should be noted that he's a xenophobic old coot who is out of touch with society and reality.

Herman Cain signed a hard-line pro-life pledge today. Maybe that's not so shocking, considering how he already seems to think he's in control of women's bodies.

Michele Bachmann is demanding an apology from musician Questlove for playing the song "Lyin' Ass Bitch" when Bachmann appeared on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I don't know. Makes sense considering her performance in the debate last night.

Legendary stylist Guido Palau said in an interview this week that Kim Kardashian is "our generation's Marilyn Monroe." Kim, you might want to think twice if Guido offers you any pills.

And finally, astronomers and biologists ranked the livability of earth-like planets located in other solar systems. They examined the planets in terms of gravity, distance from their suns, and proximity to Starbucks.

And that's all! See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 22, 2011

You know how sometimes you forget that it's Monday? Well, that's what I did yesterday. It was pretty awesome. I suggest you try it sometime. And now back to jokes.

Scandal in the GOP presidential race! Mitt Romney admitted that he drank beer and tried cigarettes when he was younger. Well, that explains why he's losing. Apparently he never watched the ABC Afterschool Specials.

In related GOP news, the newly resurgent Newt Gingrich, who now leads in primary polls, said he sees himself as Washington's "Braveheart." I'm guessing Newt didn't finish watching that movie.

The congressional "super committee" charged with reducing the deficit by $1.2 trillion over the next ten years worked through the weekend on an elusive budget compromise. Because it just takes one great all-nighter to wipe away decades of entrenched partisan dogma and animosity.

Or not. The super committee announced yesterday that they have failed to reach a deficit-reduction deal. Assuming that the average salary for a member of Congress is $174,000 and that they spend an average of 175 days actually working each year, that means we paid the 12 members of the super committee nearly $24,000 to not come up with a solution to the deficit crisis. That's $24,000 that we will have to borrow from China. To not reach a solution. That means we'd have been better off buying them all dinner and sending them to the premier of Twilight: Breaking Dawn. Not only would that have put money back into local economies, it would have shown Congress that we're serious. Either do your job, or we'll make you watch a shitty movie like Twilight again.

In a related story, Congress is so unpopular with Americans that they're attempting to rehabilitate the public image of Congress by having a puppy-eating contest. That's pretty unpopular, right? If eating puppies will make them more popular. Okay.

China announced they will be sending a pair of Pandas to Edinburgh. It's part of a plan to see how Pandas handle alcoholism, unemployment and methadone withdrawal.

Global financial markets fell again yesterday as investors realized the same people were in charge that were in charge three years ago.

Iran raised eyebrows this week when representatives pulled out of the Nuke-free Mideast talks when they realized the purpose of the talks wasn't to bring nukes to the Middle east.

Popstar and cultural icon Lady Gaga is set to receive the LGBT "Hero" honor, which guarantees that she will be remembered in perpetuity through drag shows in poorly-lit bars.

An international health study found that 40% of the world does not have access to a toilet, which means they've never been to Boston. BOOM! Take that, Boston!

And finally, a judge in the UK ordered members of the press to stay away from Hugh Grant's new baby and her mother, saying that journalists should "treat them like you would a story on AIDS research or financial reforms."

Okay, that's all. Hope you enjoyed this super-sized edition. Maybe I'll do it again tomorrow. Or maybe I'll forget. Who can tell!? Okay, until whenever, have a great day!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Attack of the sloth

Hello friends! So, I haven't been keeping up with this like I should. It's due in part to my lazy, forgetful nature. I hope you can forgive me. Anywho, let's get to the jokes!

Police around the country are cracking down on the Occupy movement. Arresting protesters at an astonishing pace. But remember, corporations are people... poor people are not. has a touching story about the fiance of a fallen Iraq soldier who is now enlisting in the military. Hollywood is already optioning the story.

Porn star Sasha Grey read to a group of 3rd graders in LA recently. People were outraged that a porn star knew how to read.

After reading to the kids Sasha said they gave her some excellent tips on new sexual positions.

Speaking of pornography: A European airline is considering adding pornography to their in-flight entertainment. Now passengers will have a use for the baggies in the seatback pockets. The blankets are still free, but you have to pay $100 dollars to get into the restroom.

A new study shows that smaller packs of cigarette's help smoker's to quit. In other news, I can now be used to help nymphomaniacs quit.

The DEA recently found a sophisticated drug smuggling tunnel between Mexico and the U.S. They then embarrassingly realized they were on the set of Weeds.

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend and come back soon, ya hear.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - November 17, 2011

Hi, everyone! Hope you're having a wonderful time of day. Or night. Oh, the beauty of asynchronous media! Well, whatever. I hope you didn't wait too long to read these jokes, because it's topical humor. Well, judge for yourself.

The young woman who filed a paternity suit against Justin Bieber has called off the suit before trial. So, she finally learned the importance of pulling out early.

In a statement released this week, PETA claimed that Super Mario, the popular video game character, is "pro-fur." However, in Mario's defense, it's important to remember that he isn't real.

Speaking of real, People magazine named Bradley Cooper this year's Sexiest Man Alive. Still waiting for them to name the Sexiest Dead Man, though.

Speaking of dead men, Ricky Gervais will host the Golden Globes award show again next year. Apparently the Golden Globes is run by amnesiacs.

This just in: Glendale, California, is banning fake grass. No word on fake breasts.

Speaking of breasts, television star Sofia Vergara revealed yesterday that her former publicist told her to get breast reduction surgery. It is worth noting that her publicist really liked having a challenge.

In order to keep its stock price afloat, LinkedIn will sell 8 million shares. And I'm sure we will each get a notification email for each share sold.

I get a lot of LinkedIn emails, people.

And finally, Congress' approval rating has sunk to 9%. The BP oil spill has an approval rating of 16%. If this keeps up much longer, Congress may have to run against Mitt Romney. That seems to raise everyone's approval among voters.

I kind of feel badly for Mitt Romney. Then I remember he made his money by selling American jobs overseas. So screw that guy.

And that's how I'll end my time this week. Spencer will bring you joy tomorrow,

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 16, 2011

Hey, friends! What a wonderful day for a blog. I've got a great feeling about this one, let's see if it pans out.

Microsoft announced that the new Windows 8 will require fewer annoying updates and restarts, but will still be compatible with all your favorite Windows 7 viruses.

In Pennsylvania, former coach and alleged human Jerry Sandusky claimed that he did shower with several young boys, but that they were just "horsing around." Great. So now we have to be worried about what he's been doing with horses.

In other Sandusky news, sources revealed yesterday that his lawyer once impregnated a 17 year old girl who was also his client at the time. Well, here's to hoping he still screws his clients.

A medical study released this week indicates that singing actually has health benefits, which explains why Ozzy is still alive.

In China, two young girls were rescued from a fairground ride where they were trapped, upside down, for several hours. But it's okay, the girls were able to keep working the entire time.

In America, sources close to Kris Humphries are saying that he is now ready to sign the divorce papers, ending his marriage to Kim Kardashian. Apparently he refused to sign until yesterday, when he finally learned how to write his name.

Remember Jesse James? World class douchebag that cheated on Sandra Bullock with Kat Von D, then cheated on her? Apparently he still has friends, who are now begging him to seek treatment for sex addiction. In a related story, I'm begging the women of America to STOP HAVING SEX WITH JESSE JAMES!

And finally, the creator of AMC's Mad Men said yesterday that he plans to have the series end in present times, with Don Draper getting old. Well, if the barometer is whether or not Don Draper is getting old, then I'd say the show ended two seasons ago. BOOM! Take that, you critically-lauded and pretty awesome show!

And there you have it. I feel like we've grown together, or at least groaned together. Yep. Going out on a pun. Have a great day!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 15, 2011

What's got eight jokes and 250 posts? This blog. Read below to see how this momentous occasion is utterly indistinguishable from the other 249 posts.

Let's go international, why don't we? Yesterday the King of Jordan, when asked about Syrian president Bashar's recent crackdown on his people, said "I would step down." He then added, "but I'm also not a paranoid psychotic, so take that with a grain of salt."

The NBA players association rejected the league's most recent contract offer and threatened to disband the players' union. Wow. It's a good thing they all got solid college educations so they can find a fallback career. Or at least go to the Occupy Wall Street protests and complain about not having jobs.

Jersey Shore star JWOWW tweeted this weekend that she was singled out unfairly for extra inspection by TSA agents on a recent trip. She was upset by the unnecessary pat down, mainly because she was neither drunk nor at the club when it happened.

Speaking of cultural touchstones, a literary museum is raising money to purchase and publish a "lost" manuscript by Charlotte Bronte. In a related story, high school English students are raising money to purchase and burn the same manuscript.

A survey found that one-third of American adults have ended a relationship through Facebook, text messaging and email, which means we need to be more clear about the meaning of the word "adult."

Speaking of crappy adults, former Penn State albatross Jerry Sandusky said yesterday that he is not a pedophile, but admitted to showering with young boys. In a related story, Jerry Sandusky may not know what the word "pedophile" actually means.

In European news, the new Greek Prime Minister Lucas Papademos says the country can be saved, but needs to implement a new economic program that will improve competitiveness. So, to sum up: Greece *can* be saved, but it *won't* be saved. Good try, L-Pap.

And finally, recent polling revealed that Newt Gingrich is tied with Mitt Romney for the lead in the Republican presidential primary! In a related story, that one vein on Romney's head keeps getting bigger.

Well, that's all. Until tomorrow, that is. And until then, have a great day!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - November 14, 2011

Good morning, good Monday, and good to see you. I've got a great blog for you today, in theory. I'm actually writing this introduction before the jokes, so maybe all this lofty rhetoric will come to naught. Or maybe not. I'm excited to find out. Anyone else?

An email leaked from CBS news saying that due to Bachmann's 4% rating in GOP polls, the network would not be spending any time covering her performance at the debate this weekend. While this is bad news for Bachmann, she can still count on a bump from her feature profile in Crazy Eyes Digest.

Speaking of crazy eyes, comic book creator Frank Miller posted on his blog last week that the Occupy Wall Street protesters were nothing but "louts, thieves, and rapists." Upon hearing this, Mark Millar said "hey, that would make a great comic." Anybody? Okay.

In other adaptation news, 100,000 copies of the new Atlas Shrugged DVD went out with a mistake on the sleeve. The description of the film called it a tale of "courage and self-sacrifice," instead of "courage and self-interest." But the most unbelievable part of this is that someone actually thought they could sell 100,000 copies of this thing.

More errors to talk about now. Bill O'Reilly's new book about the Lincoln assassination has been banned from National Parks bookstores because a reviewer found over four pages of factual errors in the book. The most egregious error was O'Reilly's assertion that the plot was funded by Hillary Clinton.

In St. Augstine, Florida, a couple returned home to find that their dog had eaten en envelope with $1000 cash inside. What's really remarkable is that only $900 came out the other end, which is a better return on investment than your 401(K) had last year.

Actress Zoe Saldana just split up with her long-time fiance, which is great news for nerds who feel guilty about masturbating to women in committed relationships.

In Italy, economist and politician Mario Monti assumed the role of Prime Minister, and set about bringing together a new cabinet and coalition government. First order of business: close down the Department of Hookers.

And finally, Wal-Mart announced that it will begin it's "Black Friday" post-Thanksgiving sales at 10pm on Thanksgiving night, which is great news for families who are sick of talking to each other.

And that's all. Did it live up to the hype? I can't tell any more. Anyway, that's all for now. Bring it on back tomorrow for more. Till then, have a great day!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - November 10, 2011

This is your Thursday. MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or not, actually. I really enjoy hearing you all scream at your computers, but I need to get some sleep. So while I do that, enjoy these jokes. Handcrafted with choice barley and hops:

In philathropy news, Justin Bieber will be giving up his snake to a stranger as part of a charity auction, which sounds like the basis for another paternity suit.

Snooki said this week that the Jersey Shore is better than Italy. And Italy breathed a sigh of relief.

Eddie Murphy quit the Oscars, following the exit of producer Brett Ratner from the ceremony on Tuesday. Murphy said he won't work with anyone else, which explains why he doesn't make good movies any more.

President Obama, in a money-saving measure, ordered government agencies to cut back on branded trinkets, meaning that now you'll no longer be able to get the "I Was Illegally Tortured at a CIA Black Site Prison and All I Got was this Lousy Shirt" shirts. Tough break.

Morgan Freeman earned the Cecile B. DeMille lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes, and he can't wait to celebrate with some extra-marital sex. Go get 'em, Morgan!

International soccer authority Fifa will allow UK teams to adorn their uniforms with poppies this week in honor of the WWI armistice. German teams will be allowed to mark the occasion with crippling reparations and disarmament.

Authorities responded to a three-alarm fire at Skywalker Ranch yesterday. It was actually only a one alarm fire, but Lucas went back afterward and added in two additional alarms, and Boba Fett. Sadly, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were lost in the blaze.

And lastly, at Wednesday's GOP debate, Governor Rick Perry said... wait, what was I going to write? Oh, this is embarrassing.

And that's the end. Come back for Spencer tomorrow, and I'll see you on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 9, 2011

Hey, how is everyone? Keep in mind that if you shout at your computer really, really loudly, I can actually hear you. But only if it's very early in the morning and other people in the house are trying to sleep. So... there's that. And here's some jokes.

Broadway director Julie Taymor said yesterday that she is suing the producers of Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark for depriving her of her share of the show's royalties and violating her creative rights by forcing her out of the production. The producers offered her a chance to share in the production, however, saying they'd be happy to break her legs. Seems fair.

Stereotypical Hollywood douchebag Brett Ratner stepped down from his role as producer of the Oscar ceremony after he used a gay slur while promoting The Tower Heist. Ratner apologized for the remark, as well as for unintentionally linking the gay community to one of his shitty movies.

In other douchebags-stepping-down news, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced he will be resigning this week to devote himself to his first love: hookers.

Human Pez-dispenser Michelle Duggar is expecting her 20th child with husband Jim Bob. Or so she says... But seriously, enough people have passed through her uterus that it now qualifies as a flop house.

In an unrelated story, scream-rockers Linkin Park are partnering with the United Nations, for some reason, in order to provide clean energy to Haitian families impacted by the earthquake. Initially, the families refused to accept the assistance until they were assured that it in no way required them to enjoy the music of Linkin Park.

Yesterday in Blackmon-Leoni Township, Michigan, police caught a six-foot alligator near the Pathway Community Church. So in case Joe Paterno asks, that's what you're supposed to do when you see a six-foot predator on the prowl.

Actor and beard-enthusiast Matthew Fox demanded his trial for punching a bus driver go to a full jury. He'd better hope they didn't watch the LOST finale.

And finally, the White House issued an official statement yesterday denying that the administration has had any contact with aliens. Sure, that's what they say, but until I see a birth certificate, there's no way you're going to convince me James Carville is human.

Whew. That was a lot to get through. If you made it this far, you deserve a treat. So, here you go:

More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day and keep shouting at your computer!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 8, 2011

Good morning, friends and strangers! And good morning to my stranger friends. You know who you are. But who am I to judge? After all, I wrote these ridiculous jokes, which you're about to read. Enjoy!

In a disturbing new trend, some parents have begun sending lollipops laced with chicken pox to other parents, to spread the virus to uninfected children. Rick Perry has vetoed a similar plan in Texas to distribute the HPV vaccine.

Also in Texas, a man went on trial yesterday for allegedly trying to sneak out of the country to join Al Qaida. He faces 25 years in prison for attempting to aid the enemy, and an additional two weeks of grounding for sneaking out after curfew.

A study released this month revealed that approximately half of US students in grades 7 - 12 face sexual harassment while the rest are ugly.

Speaking of harassment, yet another woman has released details of an alleged unwanted sexual advance from Herman Cain. It's amazing that he keeps trying, considering how many times he gets rejected. It's like he's the Ron Paul of sexual harassment.

In Arizona, Prince Harry surprised diners in the small town of Gila, when he stopped in for lunch with friends from his military unit. He was then ejected from the state for being an alien. Looks like it isn't a racist law after all.

At Harvard, students in an economics class staged a protest walk out this week, because they felt their professor favored the rich over the poor. In a related story, teachers in the English department said "see, everyone: that's irony." They then went back to studying how to be unemployable.

International inspectors said this month that Iran is about to go nuclear. They first suspected it when, during a recent inspection, they found scientists reading copies of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret, and I've Got a Bunch of Enriched Uranium.

And finally, the Greek Prime Minister resigned this week, ending his government. The Greek Parliament said they will now form a new government, and they plan to deal with the debt crisis by not answering the old government's phone or email.

And that's it. Enjoy the rest of your day, weirdos. See you tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - November 7, 2011

Good morning! How's your coffee? Or whatever beverage you have. That was presumptuous of me. It might be orange juice. Or maybe you can't make up your mind, and just pour your orange juice right into the coffee pot. I've had worse. Seriously, splash a little soy milk in there... and I've said too much. Starbucks has spies everywhere! And we've got jokes right here. Enjoy them with the beverage(s) of your choice.

Last week, shares of the daily deal company Goupon were heavily traded, largely because of the two-for-one deal they sent out on Friday morning.

In more Internet "news," the CIA revealed it has agents tracking up to 5 million suspicious tweets per day. They don't participate in "Follow Fridays," but they're pretty big on "Rendition Mondays."

Singer and Canadian phenom Justin Bieber denied a recent claim that he fathered a child out of wedlock. It's ridiculous, because everyone knows Bieber only does anal.

Speaking of buttholes, author Salman Rushdie tweeted a limerick last week mocking Kim Kardashian's divorce, leading many to wonder when Salman Rushdie started working for Perez Hilton? Come to think of it, have they ever been photographed together? I'm going to go ahead and say it now: Salman Rushdie and Perez Hilton are the same person.

Fact: the Kardashian-Humphries marriage lasted only ten weeks, disappointing friends, family and fans of the young couple. On the other hand, if NBC's Whitney were to end after only ten weeks, no one would be upset. At all.

Singer-songwriter Sinead O'Connor offered some showbiz advice to her daughter in a recent interview. She said, above all, stay true to yourself, believe in your talent, and try not to tear up pictures of the Pope. Apparently that really pisses people off.

In business news, Russian and Chinese companies were found to be the most likely to pay bribes when doing business in other countries, according to a report issued last week by the Vaguely Racist Institute.

And finally, Herman Cain said this weekend that he was putting the drama of last week behind him, and is now 100% back on message. And that message is "come over here and sit on my lap."

How about that? Good enough for a Monday? Damn well better be. Just wait until you see what Tuesday is gonna be like! Till then, have a great day!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - November 3, 2011

Guess what day it is? IT'S SKETCH DAY! Because I'm tired and I got a late start writing the blog. So here's a thing we did five years ago. FIVE YEARS?! Goodness, that was a long time ago. In the present, though, you can come see me tonight at the Happy Sounds Comedy Show at Creek and Cave in Queens! Show starts at 8pm, and it's free. So, there you go. Spencer will make you laugh tomorrow, and I'll be back Monday. Till then, hope all your days are great!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 2, 2011

Hey, everyone! It's Wednesday, which means you're as far from the last weekend as you are from the next. It's like purgatory, except it makes sense. Speaking of making sense, I'll be performing Thursday at the Happy Sounds Comedy Show, 8pm at the Creek and Cave in Queens. If you're in the area, come on out! It's free, for crying out loud. Also free: these jokes.

Arizona authorities busted up a drug ring worth $33million per month because they found out the cartel was using undocumented laborers.

In Japan, the Prime Minister recently drank water from puddles at the Fukushima nuclear reactor to show it was safe. He did it because journalists dared him to. That's also the reason why he was eating worms at a press conference yesterday.

Pizza-man and presidential hopeful Herman Cain denounced the sexual harassment charges against him, calling them a "witch hunt." Christine O'Donnell immediately went into hiding. Because she's a witch.

Relativity Media is shooting a film in the Chinese province of Shandong, despite the fact that Chinese authorities are holding a blind human rights activist under house arrest there. Said a spokesman for the company, "that's okay, he wasn't going to see our movie anyway."

In England, Apple fired an employee for making a disparaging Facebook post about the company, but really it's because he did it using a Blackberry.

Caving in to pressure from customers, Bank of America is cancelling their proposed $5/month debit card fee. Instead, they'll just go back to selling mortgage-backed securities. Everyone wins!

Actress and trainwreck Megan Fox is set to make her Broadway debut this month. Any chance she could join Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark?

Speaking of S-M:TOtD, the musical is about to lose two of its original performers. Careful, you two. I've seen enough Vietnam movies to know it's always the short-timers that get it.

Okay, that's gotta do it for today. Dig deep everyone, and have a great day! I'll see you tomorrow.

Metaphorically, of course. I can't actually see any of you. So you should feel free to continue reading my blog on the toilet in the morning. Nobody can see you but God. Well, that's enough. Bye!