Bad news for Egypt, as the unemployment rate is skyrocketing. But don't worry, Romney has a secret plan.
Nintendo slashed its profit forecast for the year, as there have been way fewer coin-filled bricks than expected.
Game company Zynga made massive staff cuts recently, and that's why now hundreds of programmers have taken to the streets with signs saying "will annoy the crap out of you online for food."
Bobby Brown was arrested for DUI recently because he was driving. Said Brown, "my one mistake was forgetting that I'm Bobby Brown."
Warren Buffett says the U.S. economy is improving. Jimmy Buffett says that things are dire in Margaritaville, but that, of course, it's his own damn fault.
A medical study found that people are more likely to do CPR in affluent neighborhoods than poor neighborhoods, mainly because poor people taste bad.
And lastly, NFL referees will be officiating with pink penalty flags for breast cancer awareness. Although referees being aware of anything would be an improvement.
Zing!
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 24, 2012
Let's get serious. Right after this.
In Missouri, concern is growing that Rep. Todd Akin will succeed in taking Sen. Claire McCaskill's senate seat. But the thing you need to realize is that in "legitimate elections" the body politic has a means of shutting that whole thing down. Fingers crossed.
Google Wallet is coming to MetroPCS, so now you won't need to sign a contract to have your identity stolen.
In gyms around the country, drumming is becoming the hot new full-body workout. It's especially popular with people who are extremely annoying.
Speaking of annoying, NBC is somehow leading in television ratings this season. But don't worry, Whitney will premier soon enough.
In the UK, a dentist was told to remove old magazines from the waiting room because they posed an infection risk. Also, patients were asked to stop blowing their noses in the magazines.
Photos of Fidel Castro surfaced, purporting to show that the ageless dictator is still alive. It should be noted, though that in the pictures he was wearing super-dark sunglasses and seen hanging out with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.
In all seriousness, Fidel Castro still alive, and has promised the people of Cuba that even if he does pass away, they will still continue to be repressed.
And finally, police in Kuwait were accused of excessive force for firing teargas at protesters. It could have been worse, though. Their first plan was to send out Joe Biden.
Serious it up, yo!
In Missouri, concern is growing that Rep. Todd Akin will succeed in taking Sen. Claire McCaskill's senate seat. But the thing you need to realize is that in "legitimate elections" the body politic has a means of shutting that whole thing down. Fingers crossed.
Google Wallet is coming to MetroPCS, so now you won't need to sign a contract to have your identity stolen.
In gyms around the country, drumming is becoming the hot new full-body workout. It's especially popular with people who are extremely annoying.
Speaking of annoying, NBC is somehow leading in television ratings this season. But don't worry, Whitney will premier soon enough.
In the UK, a dentist was told to remove old magazines from the waiting room because they posed an infection risk. Also, patients were asked to stop blowing their noses in the magazines.
Photos of Fidel Castro surfaced, purporting to show that the ageless dictator is still alive. It should be noted, though that in the pictures he was wearing super-dark sunglasses and seen hanging out with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.
In all seriousness, Fidel Castro still alive, and has promised the people of Cuba that even if he does pass away, they will still continue to be repressed.
And finally, police in Kuwait were accused of excessive force for firing teargas at protesters. It could have been worse, though. Their first plan was to send out Joe Biden.
Serious it up, yo!
Monday, October 22, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 23, 2012
JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKES!
Actress Kelly Preston just turned 50 years old and said said of the milestone "I feel like I'm 25!" She then went on to say that she was a very tired, used-up 25.
Server problems took Reddit.com offline for hours yesterday, forcing thousands of users to express their endless hate in person.
Gynecologists now say that women can wait longer between Pap tests. Also, they're getting tired of looking at so many vaginas.
The Syrian government said yesterday that sanctions are hurting children in Syria. Also hurting children in Syria: the Syrian government.
Biologists reported that a male beluga whale was heard mimicked human speech in pitch and cadence. You know, like Mitt Romney does.
Also, the marine biologists who overheard the whale suspect it may have been mocking them. Because even a beluga whale could tell they sucked.
Kathie Lee Gifford recently dropped a puppy on the air when she realized the puppy was not full of wine.
Google reported that "Paul Ryan Shirtless" is more commonly searched than "Paul Ryan budget plan" because everyone knows that budget plans have terrible muscle definition.
And finally, an Atlanta paper company was charged with scheming to avoid taxes through bribes and falsifying records. Unfortunately for them, they were caught because they left a paper trail.
No more!
Actress Kelly Preston just turned 50 years old and said said of the milestone "I feel like I'm 25!" She then went on to say that she was a very tired, used-up 25.
Server problems took Reddit.com offline for hours yesterday, forcing thousands of users to express their endless hate in person.
Gynecologists now say that women can wait longer between Pap tests. Also, they're getting tired of looking at so many vaginas.
The Syrian government said yesterday that sanctions are hurting children in Syria. Also hurting children in Syria: the Syrian government.
Biologists reported that a male beluga whale was heard mimicked human speech in pitch and cadence. You know, like Mitt Romney does.
Also, the marine biologists who overheard the whale suspect it may have been mocking them. Because even a beluga whale could tell they sucked.
Kathie Lee Gifford recently dropped a puppy on the air when she realized the puppy was not full of wine.
Google reported that "Paul Ryan Shirtless" is more commonly searched than "Paul Ryan budget plan" because everyone knows that budget plans have terrible muscle definition.
And finally, an Atlanta paper company was charged with scheming to avoid taxes through bribes and falsifying records. Unfortunately for them, they were caught because they left a paper trail.
No more!
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - October 22, 2012
Tonight is the third and final Presidential debate. What should you be on the lookout for?
* Flashmob of streakers, led by Vice President Joe Biden.
* Either candidate can win an extra fifty dollars if they manage to say the secret word.
* Bob Schieffer's surprisingly vice-like handshake with each candidate before hand, couple with the admonition that he's "not taking any Lehrer shit."
* Gov. Romney promised to hold off on any lies until after the President falls asleep.
* Neither candidate will be allowed to "Pass" a question, although they will be granted one "phone a friend."
* Neither candidate wants to be the first to suggest that they not talk about gun laws.
* All answers given in the final "Lightning Round" will be legally binding.
And that's it!
See you tomorrow!
* Flashmob of streakers, led by Vice President Joe Biden.
* Either candidate can win an extra fifty dollars if they manage to say the secret word.
* Bob Schieffer's surprisingly vice-like handshake with each candidate before hand, couple with the admonition that he's "not taking any Lehrer shit."
* Gov. Romney promised to hold off on any lies until after the President falls asleep.
* Neither candidate will be allowed to "Pass" a question, although they will be granted one "phone a friend."
* Neither candidate wants to be the first to suggest that they not talk about gun laws.
* All answers given in the final "Lightning Round" will be legally binding.
And that's it!
See you tomorrow!
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 18, 2012
BIG NEWS! Lance Armstrong is stepping down from his cancer charity, due to his alleged doping. It's a real missed opportunity, though, for Armstrong to spread the word about how effective steroids are against cancer.
Lance Armstrong is set to lose around $30 million dollars in sponsors, because of his doping history. However, he will still be sponsored by raisins, because of his doping history.
Because steroids shrank his nut.
In Florida, a man was charged with smuggling dinosaur bones into the country. In hindsight, he probably shouldn't have packed them in cocaine.
The FBI arrested a man for plotting to blow up the Federal Reserve yesterday. Apparently he wasn't satisfied with how slowly the Fed was destroying itself.
New York Yankees short stop Derek Jeter is set to recover from ankle surgery for five months. He won't be able to play, but he will still be able to spread herpes.
In Japan, there's a new trend called "cuddle bars." People pay money to nap with others, but be careful if anyone offers you a "tip."
It's a penis tip.
Vice President Biden was campaigning in Colorado yesterday, urging voters to vote now because, in his words, "you never know what crazy shit I might say before election day."
And finally, Forbes Magazine ranked Ashton Kutcher as the highest paid television actor in their recent "What's Wrong With America" issue.
Lance Armstrong is set to lose around $30 million dollars in sponsors, because of his doping history. However, he will still be sponsored by raisins, because of his doping history.
Because steroids shrank his nut.
In Florida, a man was charged with smuggling dinosaur bones into the country. In hindsight, he probably shouldn't have packed them in cocaine.
The FBI arrested a man for plotting to blow up the Federal Reserve yesterday. Apparently he wasn't satisfied with how slowly the Fed was destroying itself.
New York Yankees short stop Derek Jeter is set to recover from ankle surgery for five months. He won't be able to play, but he will still be able to spread herpes.
In Japan, there's a new trend called "cuddle bars." People pay money to nap with others, but be careful if anyone offers you a "tip."
It's a penis tip.
Vice President Biden was campaigning in Colorado yesterday, urging voters to vote now because, in his words, "you never know what crazy shit I might say before election day."
And finally, Forbes Magazine ranked Ashton Kutcher as the highest paid television actor in their recent "What's Wrong With America" issue.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 17, 2012
Anybody see anything interesting on television last night?
In Cuba, the government is relaxing its travel policy, and will no longer require citizens to obtain an exit visa before leaving. They will be asked, however, to please not defect. No, seriously you guys. No defecting, okay?
Car battery company A123 is entering bankruptcy proceedings. Because they need a little jump start. Oh, that's terrible.
Beyonce will be providing halftime entertainment at this year's Super Bowl, and she said yesterday that she's ready for the big night. So, Beyonce, unlike the Cowboys' defensive line, is ready to play in the Super Bowl.
I made a sports joke!!!!!
Speaking of jokes, Rep. Paul Ryan recently paid a visit to an Ohio soup kitchen after everyone had been fed, left, and the serving hall had been completely cleaned, but still took photos of himself cleaning dishes that were already washed. Shows up late, does unnecessary work, then crows about it? Paul Ryan, are you sure you're not in a union?
In China, Foxconn said they found underage interns working in their factory. The interns have since been fired, and now workers have to get their own coffee.
Just kidding. They don't get any coffee.
In England, letters from Prince Charles to members of government will be kept secret, it was announced.
Probably for the better, as they're likely just more rambling from him about how he'd like to be a tampon.
Hulk Hogan is suing his his friend and a gossip website over the leaking of his sex tape on the Internet. Also suing: anyone who watched the tape.
And finally, Mattel profits soared this quarter on the strength of worthless pieces of plastic. Just like Citibank.
And that's it!
In Cuba, the government is relaxing its travel policy, and will no longer require citizens to obtain an exit visa before leaving. They will be asked, however, to please not defect. No, seriously you guys. No defecting, okay?
Car battery company A123 is entering bankruptcy proceedings. Because they need a little jump start. Oh, that's terrible.
Beyonce will be providing halftime entertainment at this year's Super Bowl, and she said yesterday that she's ready for the big night. So, Beyonce, unlike the Cowboys' defensive line, is ready to play in the Super Bowl.
I made a sports joke!!!!!
Speaking of jokes, Rep. Paul Ryan recently paid a visit to an Ohio soup kitchen after everyone had been fed, left, and the serving hall had been completely cleaned, but still took photos of himself cleaning dishes that were already washed. Shows up late, does unnecessary work, then crows about it? Paul Ryan, are you sure you're not in a union?
In China, Foxconn said they found underage interns working in their factory. The interns have since been fired, and now workers have to get their own coffee.
Just kidding. They don't get any coffee.
In England, letters from Prince Charles to members of government will be kept secret, it was announced.
Probably for the better, as they're likely just more rambling from him about how he'd like to be a tampon.
Hulk Hogan is suing his his friend and a gossip website over the leaking of his sex tape on the Internet. Also suing: anyone who watched the tape.
And finally, Mattel profits soared this quarter on the strength of worthless pieces of plastic. Just like Citibank.
And that's it!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 16, 2012
Enjoy or don't. It's still gonna be here.
The former captain of the Costa Concordia showed up yesterday for his trial in an Italian court. It was a good day for him, though, because on his way to the court he only killed 12 people.
The Rolling Stones are going on tour for their 50th anniversary, because apparently even their IRAs have gone to hell.
ACLU accused Morgan Stanley of engaging in predatory lending practices. In a related story, they've also accused water of getting people wet.
Felix Baumgarter's free fall from outer space broke viewer records on YouTube, but probably because he sneakily titled the feed "Fat Guy Gets Pwned by Kittens."
North Koreans in China say that life has not improved for average people in North Korea, leading to speculation that Mitt Romney may try for a presidential run.
This year's Nobel Prizes have finally been awarded, so now you can finally find out who won your office Nobel Pool.
Doctors found recently that people who enjoy life tend to live longer than people who don't. So, good news to people who hate their lives. It'll be over soon.
And finally, White House party crasher Michaele Salahi just got engaged to be married. She will not be sending out invitations.
And that's all!
The former captain of the Costa Concordia showed up yesterday for his trial in an Italian court. It was a good day for him, though, because on his way to the court he only killed 12 people.
The Rolling Stones are going on tour for their 50th anniversary, because apparently even their IRAs have gone to hell.
ACLU accused Morgan Stanley of engaging in predatory lending practices. In a related story, they've also accused water of getting people wet.
Felix Baumgarter's free fall from outer space broke viewer records on YouTube, but probably because he sneakily titled the feed "Fat Guy Gets Pwned by Kittens."
North Koreans in China say that life has not improved for average people in North Korea, leading to speculation that Mitt Romney may try for a presidential run.
This year's Nobel Prizes have finally been awarded, so now you can finally find out who won your office Nobel Pool.
Doctors found recently that people who enjoy life tend to live longer than people who don't. So, good news to people who hate their lives. It'll be over soon.
And finally, White House party crasher Michaele Salahi just got engaged to be married. She will not be sending out invitations.
And that's all!
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