Thursday, August 29, 2013

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2013

Papers last week revealed that the NSA had bugged offices at the United Nations in New York, as well as European Union offices in the city. And it's all because President Obama really wants to know what Angela Merkel is getting him for Christmas.

Also, he wants to know if she's a terrorist.

In the UK, Verizon and Vodafone recently restarted talks about a possible buyout of Vodafone. Well, Vodafone has been talking this whole time and just didn't know that Verizon dropped the call.

In Florida, George Zimmerman's wife, Shellie, was sentenced for perjury related to Mr. Zimmerman's bond hearing. While pleading for mercy, Mrs. Zimmerman was heard to argue "hey, it's not like I killed anyone!"

In Russia, police stormed a gallery and confiscated a painting of Vladimir Putin dressed in women's underpants. Presumably it's been added to Mr. Putin's personal collection. Or else it was destroyed as it did not feature him riding a flying elephant, nor was he depicted with a super-humanly giant package.

Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas are splitting up, at least long enough for the two to "evaluate" their relationship. Perhaps Mr. Douglas will re-evaluate the wisdom of telling the world his wife's vagina is carcinogenic.

He should have at least added "habit-forming."

Researches at Columbia University believe they have found a "key to reversing the aging process" in humans. It involves sports cars and banging someone just old enough to drink alcohol.

A study at Johns Hopkins found that in America at least 1/3 of all emergency room visits involve beer, which means 2/3 of all emergency room visits are less fun than they could be.

And finally, representatives from American Airlines and U.S. Airways complained yesterday about government interference in their merger. They told the Justice Department that delaying their trial until March could jeopardize the merger and would be a severe hardship for the companies. Yeah, UNEXPECTED DELAYS SUCK. Thanks for noticing.

And thanks for reading!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 28, 2013

With the threat of war in Syria looming, the Pentagon is struggling to prepare ground troops for the horrors they would encounter in a hellish, bombed out urban landscape that has been utterly betrayed and devastated by its government. So they're sending the troops to Detroit for a week.

Speaking of Syria, the New York Times website was brought down again yesterday. The publisher blamed malicious attacks from supporters of the Assad regime, but it's more likely that people really just hate Maureen Dowd.

George Zimmerman wants the State of Florida to pay him $200,000 for his recent legal defense. And they should pay it if that's what it takes to keep him from murdering anyone else.

In Minnesota, a young man woke up on a camping trip to find a wolf biting his head and trying to eat him. After coming face to face with the predator, the man said he felt so threatened it must be what a woman feels like when Robin Thicke is around.

Scientists have found evidence for a new element with an atomic weight of 115. As is tradition, the element will be named after its discoverer. So all hail "Nerdium."

Wal-Mart will start offering same-sex couples the same health plan as heterosexual couples, which is to say, they will continue to offer them nothing.

The U.S. Treasury announced a printing error in making $100 bills may end up costing taxpayers $4 million. Too bad they can't find any money to deal with it.

And finally, scientists believe broccoli may slow the progression of arthritis, leading to speculation that arthritis hates the smell of farts.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Rage-o-Meter: The Faith in our Government Edition

You may have missed it, but a couple of North Carolina state legislators just blew their noses on the First Amendment, wadded it up and threw the nasty ball of mucous-covered parchment right in the Supreme Court's face. The aforementioned snot-bombing took the form of HOUSE JOINT RESOLUTION DRHJR10194-MM-54 (03/19), a neat little bill that lays the ground work for states and municipalities to start establishing official religions. There's quite a lot here to shake your faith in humanity.

First off, according to the authors of this bill, the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights say that Congress can't establish an official religion, but nowhere does it say that states can't do it. It's "separation of church and state," not "separation of church and states." Suck it, Jefferson. Think about that little oversight while you burn in Deist Hell.
The Devil is in the details.
That leaves the floodgates wide open for states, cities, towns, municipalities, and city-employed dog catchers to establish official religions in their particular domains.
We salute you, our half-inflated dog lord!
And if ever there's a group of people you want establishing an official religion, it's state and local elected officials. They can't get the pothole on your street filled in, but they'll get the mysteries of the universe sorted out for you. Whether you like it or not. And you better hope that you like it, because it's not like you can go crying to the Supreme Court about it, because as you can see from Section 2 of the bill:
"The North Carolina General Assembly does not recognize federal court rulings which prohibit and otherwise regulate the State of North Carolina, its public schools, or any political subdivisions of the State from making laws respecting an establishment of religion."
Nanny, nanny, boo-boo, SCOTUS. We don't like the way you rule, so your rulings don't count. Sure, you have the word "Supreme" in your name, and the Constitution expressly says that you make rulings as to how the Constitution is interpreted, which is all fine and good, but we don't like your rulings. We don't agree with how you've applied the Establishment Clause, so we're going to ignore it like it's climate change science or Detroit.

In essence, the authors of the bill are saying they approve of the parts of the Constitution that say states can do whatever they want, but reject the part that says the Supreme Court has the final word on how the Constitution gets interpreted and what is considered legal in the country. It's like saying you enjoyed the original three Star Wars movies but you reject all the prequels. You can't just pretend that Jar-Jar Binks never existed, people. He's as real as Han Solo or Yoda, which is actually to say that he's not real at all. But the point still stands.
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. But I'll still be unconstitutional.
A bigger issue, however, is that once you've made it possible for a religion to be made your official religion, you've made it possible for any religion to be made your official religion. It's a literal Pandora's Box, in that a city council could decide to turn their city back to the Hellenic mysticism and mythology of ancient Greece. Or perhaps you'd like to get a little Odin in your life?

And then what happens when people in one county decide that the people in the next county over are a bunch of bloodthirsty heathens and they don't truck with that kind of nonsense? How about a little holy war? Maybe some religious persecution for the people in your community who don't get on board with the one-true-whatever-you-decide? And if they don't like it, they can go off and form their own little namby-pamby country without any state-sponsored religion. And maybe whoever writes up their Constitution won't do a half-assed job like Jefferson. Of course, North Carolina is not going to erupt into some sort of Afghanistan-like civil war over religion. Probably. No, this is all meant to be taken metaphorically. And you know how well religious fundamentalists deal with metaphors.

Good luck, North Carolina. We'll be praying for you. Just as soon as you decide who those prayers should be directed to.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 27, 2013

Former Congressman and NYC Mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner was involved in fender-bender Saturday morning. Three women have already come forward to say he was on his phone at the time, sending them pictures of the "gear shift," if you know what I mean.

Justin Timberlake won big at the Video Music Awards this weekend. He also made Joan Rivers' "Best Dressed List" thanks to how he cleverly accessorized his outfit with an old, kitschy boy band.

Also at the VMAs, rapper Eminem took the opportunity to announce his upcoming album, Hey, Remember Eminem? Come On, He's Still Cool!

In Scotland, tickets to the annual Fringe comedy festival were up by 5% over year, raising attendance to a record-high 21 people.

JC Penney's largest investor has bailed out, saying that things for the company were getting ugly. And for JC Penney's biggest investor, you know things have to get pretty ugly for him to have a problem.

The New York Attorney General is suing Donald Trump for running a bogus university that served as a pyramid scheme for the famous douchebag. Fortunately, the Donald Trump School of Hair Design will not be affected.

Starbucks announced it will soon be opening a location in Colombia, where eager customers are already lining up to have their names mispronounced.

And finally, health clubs are offering trampolines as part of group fitness classes. It's great for muscle tone, but you have to pay extra for the "We'll Set Your Broken Bones" package. Stupid upcharges.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 22, 2013

Former Egyptian "President" Hosni Mubarak is out of prison and under house arrest. He's looking forward to ruthlessly crushing the weeds in his backyard garden.

New Watergate tapes came out yesterday, giving more insight into President Nixon's state of mind leading up to the scandal. Also, this posthumous release has finally cemented his position as the Tupac of American presidents.

A 6.2-magnitude earthquake shook Acapulco, Mexico, yesterday, momentarily causing hundreds of American tourists to stand up straight.

Former Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts denied rumors this week that he would run for governor, saying that he will instead get back to failing at things with his family instead.

In Texas, and American Airlines flight attendant trainee was arrested for calling in bomb threats to United Airlines. And that's why you don't haze flight attendant trainees, people.

The number of circumcisions performed in the United States is shrinking, but that's probably just because it was cold.

A new study found that kids who take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to develop Type 2 Diabetes later in life, while kids who don't take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to think they're Jesus.

And finally, new data indicates that the NSA has access to over 75% of all Internet traffic, so they probably know the one weird trick to reduce belly fat. And if they don't, then what the hell are we doing?

That's it!

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 21, 2013

German economists suspect that Greece will have to have another bailout to fully recover. That's the downside of having your bailouts provided by Lay's Potato Chips: no one can have just one!

In New York, a federal bankruptcy judge just gave the go ahead for Kodak to begin leaving bankruptcy. Observers are cautious, but they'll wait and see what develops.

If you didn't enjoy that joke, you're a horrible person.

In Brazil, a pet monkey was returned to its home of the past 40 years after environmental police confiscated it. They just needed to make sure that no one in the home was abusing the animal, and had to check out rumors that the monkey was being spanked.

Again, good people will enjoy that joke.

Also in Brazil, World Cup tickets just went on sale. They're expected to sell out, even with the outrageous "No-stabbing" surcharge.

In Japan, Tepco revealed that 300 million tons of radioactive waste have escaped containment at the Fukushima nuclear plant. To put that in perspective, it's almost the same amount of toxic waste generated each week by five separate Jack in the Box locations.

Doctors have found that patients' blood pressure drops when they are not charged a copay for their visits. From the journal Duh. Also lowering blood pressure: not paying for just about anything.

In London, the NHS is testing baking as a means of relieving depression. Next up, they're going to try being baked.

And finally, Texas Senator Ted Cruz found out that he may be half Canadian, due to the fact that he was born in Canada to an American mother. The Senator is taking this opportunity to run for Senate in Canada where he plans to increase border security and defund national healthcare.

God Save The Queen.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 20, 2013

Tensions are running high in Gibraltar after recent disputes about artificial reefs and queuing time at the border with Spain. A team from the European Union has been dispatched with instructions to be on the lookout for anyone who actually gives a shit.

Switzerland stopped a sale of ski lifts to North Korea yesterday. So there goes Pyongyang's plan to build the world's most repressive ski resort.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie just signed a law banning doctors from using therapies designed to convert gay people to straight. But he really just banned it because it would have been paid for by Obamacare.

In Ohio, a man purchased a gun safe on the Internet, and when it was delivered he found 285 pounds of marijuana stashed inside. And we only know about this story because that man is the least cool person on the planet.

The CIA recently released documents indicating the agency was responsible for the 1953 Iranian coup, which proves that one point in time the CIA was, in fact, responsible for something.

In England and Wales, the age limit for jurors was just raised to 75. So, look for a lot more convictions for whippersnappering and general lawn-harassment.

Actor Dick Van Dyke was uninjured after his car caught fire in Los Angeles. Angela Lansbury is already investigating.

And finally, there is a push underway in Seattle to get the minimum wage raised to $15, or as it is known in Seattle "One Latte."

That's it.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Monday Morning Monologue - August 19, 2013

In Venezuela, a barber is keeping Hugo Chavez's revolution alive by giving free haircuts in the street. Unfortunately, it is Chavez's haircut, so she's not very popular with the ladies.

A recent evaluation of India's electrical grid found that over half of the population has no access to power. A spokesman for the government addressed the issue saying "that's nothing compared to the metaphorically powerless."

Microsoft just fixed a massive outage that brought down the Outlook program for offices around the country for three whole days. Or, as Outlook users called it: "the best three days ever." stock nearly topped $1000 per share recently, but then people started naming their own price for shares, and it all went to hell from there.

In Bangkok, Thailand, police just seized $6 million worth of methamphetamines and Breaking Bad spoilers.

Saudi Arabia's government is warning western powers not to interfere in what's going on in Egypt because "those guys are making us look really good."

U.S. investigators are probing allegations that J.P. Morgan Chase hired the children of Chinese officials as a bribe for access to the country. So, on top of bribery, now it appears that Chase is engaging in child labor. Just awful, making children work in a bank...

And finally, New Zealand just held its first same-sex marriage ceremonies this weekend. Catering was provided by hobbits.

Is that it? Yes, for now.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Monday Morning Monologue - August 12, 2013

Taylor Swift performed for a packed crowd at Soldier Field this weekend. The singer said she loves Chicago, so we should expect an angry song about how the city wronged her sometime next year.

Scientists at the University of Pennsylvania have trained a dog to locate and identify the scent of ovarian cancer in women. The dog is 100% accurate in early tests. This is a big breakthrough for the science of smelling women's crotches.

Speaking of smelling things, workers at JFK airport were sickened by the fumes coming from a mysterious package yesterday. Authorities suspect it was either VX nerve gas, or Ron Artest's gym shorts.

In Switzerland, Oprah Winfrey was shocked when a high-end accessory store refused to show her a $35,000 handbag, saying "you can't afford it." Oprah said it was due to racism, and the store owner claimed it was just a misunderstanding, saying "we didn't understand that black people have money now."

Singer and self-help guru Chris Brown suffered a seizure this weekend. Doctors blame emotional stress and a lack of sleep. Sounds like Chris needs to quit beating himself up about things.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are refusing offers to sell photos of their baby, North. It's not clear if this is to protect North's privacy, or because they just don't want the added competition for the cameras.

A family from Arizona recently attempted to flee the religious persecution they saw in America for Mauritania. They set out on a small boat from San Diego, but were stranded at sea by a series of storms. They were rescued by fisherman and eventually flown home to the U.S., whereupon they realized "oh, right... airplanes."

And finally, The Mars One Project has received 100,000 applications from people hoping to take a one-way trip to colonize Mars. It's also spawned a new reality competition show: "WHO WANTS TO FREEZE TO DEATH ON MARS?" Great television.


Thursday, August 8, 2013

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 8, 2013

Chris Brown announced he may retire from music after his next album. He will not be retiring from being a giant rage monster.

NASA's Curiosity rover sang "Happy Birthday" to itself yesterday by vibrating pipes it normally uses for soil collection. Warner Brothers immediately sent a cease and desist order.

And you thought your birthday was sad.

Groupon just announced a new CEO. They're getting him for 80% off, but tax and gratuity are not included.

Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" has topped the charts. Now if only the models in his video could get tops, too.

A diplomatic rift is growing between Vladimir Putin and President Obama over a snub by the President yesterday in response to Edward Snowden being granted asylum in Russia. Thank goodness President Obama didn't accidentally date Putin's ex-girlfriend, or there could be some real drama.

An American tourist in Europe broke the finger off of a 600-year-old statue of the Virgin Mary when he tried to compare his hand size to hers. "I'm sorry," the man said, "but I just had to see if I had a bigger dick than the Virgin Mary."

Real estate valuing service saw it's stock price tumble this week. Early estimates have the company losing 10% of its value, but that's just the county assessor's report. If you really want to know how much value they lost, you'll need to buy a detailed report.

And finally, San Diego mayor Bob Filner just got his sexual harassment lawsuit deposition delayed. Filner was so happy that he couldn't stop rubbing his dick on people.

And that's all!

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 7, 2013

Zoologists have found that dolphins possess the longest memories in the animal kingdom, which is probably why they quit loaning me money.

In Detroit, auto industry representatives put forward a brave face yesterday, claiming that young people will start buying cars again, even in this economy. They just need to move back in with their parents, first.

Former President George W. Bush underwent heart surgery yesterday to put in a stent. The surgery was a success, and the former First Dude reminded America of the importance of regular checkups. Oh, and of having health insurance so you can get them.

And yesterday Detroit held elections for "Mayor." Election officials are still tallying up the large number of write-in ballots. Leading among them is a strong contender named "Dear God Why Won't Someone Help Us?"

In College Hill, Ohio, a man crashed his car into a gas station and then escaped by hailing a nearby cab. So, authorities are looking for a white suspect.

On an appearance on The Tonight Show this week, President Obama told Jay Leno "there is no domestic spying program." To which Leno replied "I haven't even asked you a question yet..."

Also in Obama news, the President is upset with Russia for granting NSA leaker Edward Snowden temporary asylum in Russia. To make things more unpleasant for Mr. Snowden, the White House has been releasing reports that Snowden is gay. Because Russia really doesn't like gay people.

And finally, Chinese doctors report that the bird flu is now passing between humans for the first time. So, if you've been holding off on making out with a bird, now there's nothing stopping you.


Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 6, 2013

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe says that his victory is a clear mandate from the people to take over international banks in the country. Basically, he says it's a mandate to take control of any place known for keeping an accurate count of things.

Doctors at the University of Virginia at Charolottesville concluded that kids who drink sugary beverages are more likely to be obese. But still no clear link to cooties.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is purchasing The Washington Post, just when you thought no one was buying the newspaper anymore.

American security services said that embassies and consulates in the middle east will remain closed following communications they intercepted from al Qaeda, which must mean that al Qaeda is finally on Facebook.

The Obama administration vetoes a recent ban on the importation of various Apple iPhones. When asked why, White House spokesmen said "because they're totally easy to spy on."

Time Warner Cable has blacked out CBS following stalled negotiations, although CBS programming will still be available on the Internet. And if there's one thing CBS viewers are comfortable with, it's the Internet.

In London, scientists debuted the world's first lab-grown hamburger. The patty cost just under $200,000 to produce, which is why fast food workers can't get a raise.

And finally, other scientists used an atomic force microscope to paint the world's smallest copy of "The Mona Lisa" using a process called thermochemical nanolithography. No word on what process or microscope they'll use to find someone who gives a shit.


Monday, August 5, 2013

Monday Morning Monologue - August 5, 2013

Researchers at Lenox Hill Hospital found that people who undergo plastic surgery look younger, but not prettier. So it looks like George Clooney got that scrotum tuck for nothing.

In Rome, protesters rallied outside the home of beleaguered former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who was recently found guilty of tax evasion. It's unclear if they were there to support him or were hoping he would invite them in for a sex party.

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe was just reelected in a landslide. Wait, did I say "landslide?" I meant "landfill," as in "Mugabe buried the opposition's votes in a landfill, and no one ever saw them again."

Unicef called on global leaders recently to help promote breastfeeding. Their slogan's campaign is "Breastfeeding is good for mothers, infants, families, and the world. Please support it." It's all true, but that slogan is really a mouthful.

The Japanese space agency just sent a talking robot up to the International Space Station. Fortunately, it is not a sex robot.

In the small town of Dorset, Minnesota, a four year-old boy was reelected to his second term as mayor. And due to budget shortfalls, he's expected to institute the most adorable round of municipal layoffs in the country.

Kuwait's emir just formed a new cabinet this weekend. Well, he didn't actually form the cabinet. It was assembled by foreign guest workers who have no rights to citizenship or representation in the government but can still pay taxes. You know how it is.

And finally, at least ten people were arrested on felony drug charges at Lollapalooza this weekend. They've been charged with felony possession, distribution, and totally over-charging.

That's all!