Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Thursday Morning Monologue - January 31, 2013

Senator Lisa Murkowski of Alaska is trying to push through legislation to rename Mt. McKinley. It probably won't work, but she had to give it a shot.

Clothing store H&M posted lower-than-expected profits due to increased costs and people not wanting to wear crappy clothing.

Chesapeake Energy CEO Aubrey McLendon will step down on April 1, making it a really great April Fool's Joke, but mainly just for Chesapeake shareholders.

Germany just marked the 80th anniversary of Hitler's rise to power. The economy actually saw a small bump of improvement because skyrocketing sales for apology cards. Especially those in Polish and Russian.

Nintendo said that their projected sales for the new Wii U were too optimistic. In other words, they were a wee bit high.

After a "successful" satellite launch by North Korea, South Korea recently stepped up and launched their own satellite. In a related story, Seoul is looking into adding more political prison camps.

A recent study revealed that reading can raise a child's IQ by up to six points, so he'll have a better understanding of the physics behind the wedgies he gets.

And finally, Jim Nabors, AKA "Gomer Pyle, USMC," just married his male partner of 38 years. Nabors would have made it official earlier, but, you know, "don't ask don't tell."

Thanks a lot, Obama.

That's it!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 30, 2013

Yahoo! announced increased revenue for 2012, largely attributed to their aggressive strategy of looking for coins in the office couch cushions.

In Toledo, a hospital is resuming transplant operations which were suspended when a nurse mistakenly threw out a healthy kidney. Yes, "mistakenly" threw it out, totally not planning to go get it from the trash later and take it home for dinner.

The Spanish olive harvest is down by 80%, meaning that canola oil will be the new standard for oil wrestling this year.

In celebrity news, rumor is that Frank Ocean and Chris Brown got into a fight recently over a parking space and Rihanna is recovering comfortably.

Chris Brown is an asshole.

New Orleans is preparing for the Super Bowl even though some areas of the city have still not recovered from Katrina. Some residents are proud of how far the city has come, others are frustrated at how much is still left ahead of them, but one thing they can all agree on: the city is lucky that it doesn't have to deal with Patriots fans. Those guys suck.

Bill Gates is partnering with the government of Germany on a new initiative to fight hunger. First up: teaching German people how to cook food that isn't awful.

Google Maps is adding secret North Korean prison camps to the Google Earth and Google Map projects. And of course, you can now check in to them on FourSquare.

And finally, rumors were swirling this week that Queen Elizabeth might follow the example of Quenn Beatrix, and abdicate the throne in favor of a younger monarch. Elizabeth put the rumors to rest this week when she had her crown bolted onto her skull. Said the wily old Queen, "come take it if you can, you little bitches."

And that's how we're ending today.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 29, 2013

According to the Iranian news agency, the nation's space program succeeded in launching a monkey into space. The monkey, which made it back to earth safely, was reportedly overjoyed at being shot into space and really enjoyed itself, until it figured out that it was going to have to come back down and live in Iran again.

A bizarre trial is getting underway in Russia for a whistleblower, Sergei Magnitsky, who is actually dead. Magnitsky's lawyers are hopeful for his chances, however. Best case scenario: he gets life.

Toyota announced that 2012 was a banner year. The auto behemoth managed to sell nearly 9.75 million vehicles, which is slightly more than they recalled.

The New York City school bus drivers union is undergoing a major overhaul, with seniority no longer playing as big a role in determining assignments. So, look for New York City school buses to stop driving with the left turn signal on.

In Norway, a tunnel will be closed for several weeks after a massive truckload of sweet cheese caught fire. Repair crews are standing by with little bits of bread and fruit.

A teacher in Ohio is in trouble for posting a picture online of a student whose mouth he had duct taped shut. Apparently teachers in the district are not supposed to use their cell phones at work.

At a school in Pennsylvania, male students must now ask for toilet paper each time they go to the bathroom. The school took the paper out of the bathrooms in an attempt to cut down on vandalism. They haven't, however, removed all of the Glade Potpourri Spray Paint cans.

And finally, the Boy Scouts of America announced they are considering allowing openly gay children and adults to be involved in the organization. Although, if they were really serious about getting gay people involved, they'd get rid of those ridiculous shorts.

And that's it!

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Monday Morning Monologue - January 28, 2013

Hey, welcome back! Okay.

Rep. Paul Ryan said that House Republicans are ready to let the budget sequester happen, probably because they're looking forward to destroying something other than themselves.

Canada denied Randy Quaid's request for citizenship, leading many to ask "Randy Quaid *isn't* Canadian?"

At a recent campaign stop, former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi defended Mussolini's decision to ally with Adolph Hitler, going on to say "see, that underage hooker doesn't sound so bad anymore."

Chile's President Pinera, in a show of solidarity with Hugo Chavez, said that he's counting on Chavez to beat his illness, like an opposition candidate in a fully-rigged election.

New credit card fees are coming as part of a new ad campaign for the banking and credit industry called "You Can't Hate Us Any More Than You Already Do."

And finally, President Obama this weekend said that we, as a nation, should do something to help make football safer. But somehow the NRA will stop it.

That's it. See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Thursday Morning Monologue - January 24, 2013

Hey, super-big blog today! Enjoy it.

In Russia, a massive snowstorm blanket the country under multiple feet of snow. So much snow fell that you can't even see the angry crowds protesting Putin. It's like his dream come true, except that the snow isn't throwing rabble-rousers out of windows.

Scientists studying tree rings found a massive burst of gamma radiation all over the planet 1200 years ago, which would account for the widespread medieval Hulkism.

New Kids on the Block, 98 Degrees and Boyz II Men are joining forces for the new "The Package" tour. Too bad the package has passed it's expiration date.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that he still loves Maria Shriver, probably because she didn't break his heart by having lots and lots of sex with the maid.

Scientists are looking for a more effective flu vaccine this season. Their goal is to get it so effective that it prevents the flu even in inconsiderate a-holes who refuse to get the shot.

A new study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that condoms do not diminish sexual pleasure for Americans. What does diminish sexual pleasure for Americans? Calling the penis "John Boehner."

Speaking of sexiness, UK Prime Minister David Cameron promised the people of the UK an "in/out" referendum on EU membership. In/out. Member. Yep, we're classy.

An Irish council member went on record saying that drinking helped depression and mental illness. It's assumed he left out the words "cause and worsen" in his statement.

Chile is expanding its military, with a planned air base in Antarctica, which is great news for prostitutes who love the cold.

Authorities were dispatched to Chris Brown's home recently after a prankster called in a report of domestic violence. And by "prankster," we probably mean Rihanna.

Chipotle is testing shredded tofu as a meat replacement in its San Francisco stores. In a related story, Taco Bell is testing horse meat.

And finally, Manti Te'o recently spoke with Katie Couric about his fake-girlfriend-hoax scandal, leading to speculation that Katie Couric may not really exist.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 22,2013

After being nominated for the job of Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel personally contacted all one hundred U.S. Senators to help secure his confirmation to the post, which explains why no one else wants the job.

Speaking of jobs, Charlie Sheen said he wants to return to Two and a Half Men, which means he's either no longer on drugs, or more drugs than ever before. Either way, he needs to work on the formula.

A Russian court decided against overturning the prison sentence handed down for Pussy Riot, instead opting to keep them in the box a little longer.

A new study found that twice as many people are going to the emergency room because of energy drinks as they were just six years ago. And we can all agree that an increase like that is EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another study found a link between fast food consumption and increased asthma and allergies in children. Also, the study found no correlation between Happy Meals and depression.

In Florida, a teenager was arrested for giving wedgies to other teens and adults. In a related story, he's going to find prison the be hilarious.

At the President's inauguration yesterday, attendees booed Rep. Paul Ryan, showing that political elites are still in touch with mainstream America.

And finally, scientists are searching for and "adventurous woman" willing to have a baby created with recovered Neanderthal DNA. Well, if someone is willing to have a baby with Kid Rock...

And that's it!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 16, 2013

Senator Tom Coburn recently said that not raising the national debt ceiling, thus defaulting on our national debt, risking a government shutdown and possibly tanking the world economy, could be a "wonderful experiment." Bold words from the nation's first Mad Scientist senator.

Venezuela's Vice President filled in for President Chavez at a key speech this week, saying that while the President was too ill to attend, he plans to be back to repressing the country just as soon as he possibly can.

The CDC revealed that at least 11 workers at U.S. biological laboratories were infected with dangerous pathogens between 2004 and 2010, which means working at the labs is slightly less dangerous than eating at Taco Bell.

In Florida, Cuban-American journalist Jose Diaz-Balart said yesterday that "Aryan, blonde, blue-eyed people immigrate illegally too." Historically speaking, it's referred to as World War II.

Publishers at The Atlantic apologized yesterday for posting a pro-Scientology "advertorial" that many visitors to the website mistook as a pro-Scientology news piece. Editors blamed the mistake on unruly Thetans in the newsroom. Or Engrams. Whatever it is.

Reuters reported on a study yesterday linking caffeine to leaky bladders in men. Effects subsided when subjects brewed with a French press instead of a drip.

The mayor of Corleone, Sicily, apologized this week for those hurt by the town's longstanding connection to organized crime. He specifically sought to make peace with anyone who had inadvertently seen The Godfather Part III.

And finally, Lindsay Lohan is back in court for the 20th time, which means this time it's free!

That's it! Laters.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 15, 2013

The United States is poised to surpass Saudi Arabia in energy production, which is bad news for American women who like to drive.

Speaking of driving, Audi and BMW both announced great increases in sales for 2012, which may explain why there were more assholes on the road.

In North Korea, Google executive Eric Schmidt publicly called on the government to open up the country's Web access to a free and unfettered exchange of ideas. This was a great gift for the North Korean people, who hadn't been able to laugh so hard since Kim Jong Il once farted into a live microphone in 1995.

A group of former U.S. servicemen and women forced out under the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy were awarded separation pay as part of a legal settlement with the Department of Defense. Other details have yet to emerge, because participants are not allowed to talk about them.

In Europe, the new Five-Euro bill will feature the visage of the Greek goddess Europa, so that's at least one Greek with a job in the EU.

San Antonio is planning a new completely digital public library this year. It is unclear how the technology will the ability of homeless guys to shower in the bathroom.

Lance Armstrong admitted to Oprah that he has engaged in doping as a professional athlete. As punishment, Armstrong now has to spend an hour with Dr. Phil.

And finally, congratulations to the cast and crew of Fargo for their groundbreaking Golden Globe victories 14 years after the film's release. It truly is an inspiration.

And that's it!

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Monday Morning Monologue - January 14, 2012

In political news, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann was appointed to the House Intelligence Committee. She will be heading up the special sub-committee on irony.

In economic news, consumer debt is increasing on car and student loans. "Great," said the over-educated guy sitting in his car with no job to drive to.

In making his cabinet appointments, President Obama reportedly asked Mitt Romney to send over his "binders full of women." Bill Clinton asks to be cc'd.

Colin Powell said that the GOP holds a "dark vein of intolerance." Strangely enough, that's what Strom Thurmond used to call the vein on his penis.

The New England Patriots are headed to another AFC championship game, in case you were running out of things to not care about.

A Chicago man was arrested and charged with spitting on a Secret Service agent. Unfortunately for him, only the gun lobby is allowed to openly spit on law enforcement.

Thousands of Russians came out to protest a recent anti-US adoption ban, which should serve as some indication as to how much Russians hate having babies around.

And finally, California's citrus harvest appears to have weathered a recent cold snap. No word on how it fared against the latest sick burn.


Monday, January 7, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 8, 2012

Toyota is now making cars that drive themselves. Saudi Arabia has demanded that Toyota assure them that none of the cars are female. Because ladies can't drive in Saudi Arabia.

The very first CEO of's is finally leaving. He's been with the company since its beginning, but his tenure has been periodically interrupted by commercials for All State insurance.

According to the CDC, 2012 was worst year for whooping cough since 1955. This comes as a serious blow to hipsters who discovered the illness years ago and contracted it back before it became popular.

Doctors studying the norovirus have created a robot that vomits just like a human. All they had to do was take a regular robot and make it pledge a fraternity.

Kim Kardashian is pregnant, so now I'll be ignoring her for two.

The world's first double-hand transplant recipient is healing, and relearning how to hold to hold things this month. Doctors say that once the swelling in her hands goes down the new fingers should still fit nicely into her nose. 

A cat was arrested for breaking into a Brazilian prison with contraband items taped to it. If convicted, the cat faces five years in prison, which is like 30 cat years.

And finally, on a flight to New York, a drunken and unruly man was tied up and duct taped to his seat. Or, as United Calls it, "Business Class."

And that's it!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Friday Morning Monologue - January 4, 2012

Hillary Clinton was released from the hospital this week after receiving treatment for a blood clot in her head. Doctors expect her to make a full recovery. And what's more, they expect the pain in her ass to subside as soon as John Kerry is confirmed by the Senate.

Hormel, the makers of SPAM just bought Skippy Peanut Butter. It is unclear what their endgame is, but it's fairly clear that it would have killed Elvis.

Speaking of Elvis, a high school in Utah had to cancel a musical based on his songs after a complaint was lodged that the music was too sexually suggestive. That complaint came from 1956.

A federal court ruled this week that giving the middle finger to a police officer is protected speech under the Constitution. Also, your finger cannot be made to testify against itself. Fingers have rights.

And finally, George Lucas got engaged to his longtime girlfriend this week...

  • Their wedding band will be the Mos Eisley Cantina band.
  • George is writing his own vows. has already posted a leaked copy.
  • The bride and groom for the top of the cake will be manufactured by Hasbro.
  • Liberal use of CGI on the honeymoon video. And a pointless appearance by Jar-Jar Binks.

Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Thursday Morning Monologue - January 3, 2012

Happy new year.

In Hong Kong, authorities are grappling with an epidemic of wasted food. The situation is extremely dire, seeing as how everyone keeps getting hungry an hour later.

The CEO of Safeway is retiring this month. He's got a sizable contract buyout coming his way, and it'll be even bigger if he manages to step down on Double Coupon Day.

Professional golfer Carl Petterssen said this week that the PGA is on a witch hunt against long putters. He made the statement in hopes to get an early start on the "Least Relevant Story of 2013" award. Go get 'em, tiger.

Al Jazeera television announced they're buying Al Gore's "CURRENT TV" in an effort to lose money.

New Jersey Governor Christie blasted John Boehner over Congress' lack of action on relief for Hurricane Sandy, because apparently the Governor just found out that Congress is useless.

Dave Letterman told Oprah Winfrey in a recent interview that he "hurt a lot of people" in his sex scandal, which indicates that Letterman is into some freaky shit.

Congress recently voted to continue the NSA's warrantless surveillance program. So, any agents reading this, please leave comments below.

Anonymous is fine.

And finally, a lesbian couple in Topeka, Kansas, is trying to force the sperm donor who fathered their child to pay child support. Apparently they misunderstood the term "money shot."