Sunday, December 23, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - December 24, 2012

Express Scrips, one of the nation's largest pharmaceutical providers, is now covering the Vivus anti-obesity pill. Still not covered: diet and exercise.

Darden Restaurants, home to Olive Garden and Red Lobster, saw profits fall 37% in the wake of bad publicity from their attempts to circumvent the Affordable Care Act for their employees. Management has changed their policy as a result, and is looking forward to customers getting back to hating them for their awful food, instead of their politics.

The anti-totalitarian film V for Vendetta aired in China recently, stunning audiences who werenr't prepared for Natalie Portman's bald head.

Tagg Romney said this weekend that his father Mitt never really wanted to be President. So in one way at least, Mitt is just like regular Americans.

Members of the U.S. Senate said that torture scenes in the new film Zero Dark Thirty were misleading and inaccurate. They also said that the whole back-breaking scene in The Dark Knight Rises was totally wrong, too.

Google is scanning the Dead Sea Scrolls and making them available online. So now you can look forward to Internet trolls criticizing their grammar.

Two bank robbers escaped from jail in Chicago in a break almost identical to a 1985 escape from the same jail. So now you can add plagiarism to their rap sheets.

And finally, authorities have made arrests and are pressing charges against a group of Canadian criminals accused of stealing $18 million worth of maple syrup. And yes, they plan to make the charges stick.

Okay, that's all!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 19, 2012

In entertainment news, rumors are flying that NBC plans to hand over the Tonight Show to Jimmy Fallon in 2014, following the end of Jay Leno's contract. So, look for Fallon to be launching his basic cable show in the spring of 2015.

The UK renamed a portion of Antarctica for Queen Elizabeth. For her part, the Queen thanked Parliament for renaming a cold, barren wasteland in her honor, saying "at least it's not Manchester."

Hanbro will begin selling its Easy Bake Oven in gender-neutral colors, so that boys and girls both can be disappointed by how lame it is.

A new study found that most Pakistani lawmakers do not file taxes. In a related story, Mitt Romney is establishing Pakistani residency before their next presidential election season.

Monks in Missouri have become famous for baking and selling fruitcakes to support their solitary existence, proving that if you want people to avoid you, make a fruitcake.

LA Clippers' star Chris Paul will be starring in a new series of insurance commercials for State Farm. The campaign promises that State Farm can handle any calamity, even being traded to the Clippers.

In New York, the head of the MTA is resigning to run for Mayor. He plans to run his campaign like the MTA: over budget, filthy and with unannounced suspensions.

And finally, Asian stocks rebounded after news of U.S. fiscal cliff negotiations, leading to speculation that sarcasm doesn't translate.

That's it.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - December 16, 2012

Last week actor and activist Sean Penn said that Port-au-Prince, Haiti, was like Detroit, Michigan. It's not yet clear which city he was attempting to insult.

A woman was arrested in Spain for smuggling cocaine into the country hidden in her breasts. Customs officials became suspicious when they noticed her nipples kept sniffling and wouldn't stop talking.

Google revealed the three most searched for topics on the Internet in 2012 were "Whitney Houston" "Psy" and "Why are we losing to China?"

In Ohio, a hospital is resuming organ transplant surgeries after accidentally throwing a donor kidney in the trash. Understandably, patients are a little wary. You know, because of that old saying, "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, oh wait, you can't, because I died from organ failure after you fooled me the first time."

Doctors in Venezuela said that President Chavez faces a tough road to recovery after his latest cancer treatment. Coincidentally, a "tough road to recovery" is what Venezuelans are looking forward to after Chavez' death.

The French Prime Minister said French actor Gerard Depardiue's decision to leave France to avoid higher taxes was "shabby." Coincidentally, "shabby" is the nicest thing said about any film he's made in the last five years.

TripAdvisor just released a rundown of the friendliest cities in the world. Topping the list was Cancun, probably due in large part to their new tourism ad campaign "Cancun: HANDJOBS FOR EVERYONE!"

And finally, President Obama and Speaker Boehner appear to have made progress in their negotiations about the impending fiscal cliff. Good news for them, as the next round of negotiations were set to take place at the Thunderdome, with mediation overseen by THE NIGHT RIDER!

That's it.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 6, 2012

New study finds that Broadway is powered mainly by money from tourists, which explains the enduring success of FANNYPACK: The Musical.

This is true. The House of Representatives voted through legislation to remove the word "lunatic" from all federal law. It will be replaced with "Perot."

Yikes, I am getting old.

Doctors studying hockey injuries found that giving players better training reduces the rate of injury, but not as much as changing the rules of the game to reduce contact. Of course, the best way to reduce hockey injuries is to have a labor dispute.

The Pentagon is working on a new technology to make troops invisible. It works by bringing them back from Afghanistan, denying mental healthcare and making them live on the streets. Yep, once that happens, no one will look at them again.

Speaking of troops, medical research indicates that a form of Ecstasy may help veterans with PTSD. That study was conducted by Dr. Fre3ekstar, MD DJ.

British grocery giant Tesco announced they lost $1.6billion on a failed attempt to enter the U.S. market. Their big mistake was trying to sell British food.

Rihanna is launching a competitive fashion show. She had been working on a relationship show, but... Also, the contestants do make up.

And finally, an 18th century French chateau in Bordeaux was accidentally bulldozed recently. The responsible company apologized for the mistake, saying they originally intended to burn it down.


Monday, December 3, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 5, 2012

The Chi Omega sorority at Penn State caused some trouble after posting some racist photos online. Said a university spokesman "they're all over 18, right? Oh, good."

Chinese telecom firm Huawei issued a statement to several senators concerned about the company expanding into the U.S., saying "we are not a threat to American security." The senators responded by saying "but, how did you know we...?"

NASA plans to send another rover to Mars, which can only mean one thing: Martian robot racing league.

GOP senators blocked the U.S. from ratifying a U.N. treaty upholding the rights of disabled persons. So now we're back at war with the disabled.

At a school in New Jersey, students became ill after drinking a "relaxation drink" named after Bob Marley. Said the maker of the drink "wait, you mean someone's actually drinking this?"

Anderson Cooper was temporarily blinded recently, leaving him unable to gaze upon his own face.

French men are not producing as much sperm as other European men, according to a recent medical study, which is great news for naive American exchange students who don't want a baby right now.

And finally, Karl Rove has been taken off the air at FOX News. Good thing our country has such great unemployment benefits.

And that's the end.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 4, 2012

The tax-evasion trial began yesterday for fashion design firm Dolce & Gabbana. They're expected to fill next season with some truly gorgeous penalty fees.

J.C. Penney's management decided to add 40,000 mannequins to stores across the country in an effort to trick people into thinking someone is shopping at J.C. Penney.

The Pope just got his own Twitter account: @pontifex. Not to be confused with @pontifsex, the Vatican City's only "adult toy" shop and @expontif, the feed run by the ghost of Pope John Paul II.

Also there's @pontifrex, the Pope's dog.

It's the twentieth anniversary of text messaging! Finnish engineer Matti Makkonen created the technology, and used it to send the first SMS: "Yo girl, you still up?"

A woman in Georgia found a nose ring in her daughter's breakfast burrito at McDonald's. She was upset, as she had specifically asked for a lip ring.

Greece began buying back its bonds this week, sparking protests across the nation as people realized the government was spending so much money to buy something utterly worthless as Greek debt.

A girl at Sea World got bitten by a dolphin this weekend. So now we'll have to worry about Weredolphins. I just hope Stephanie Meyer doesn't hear about this.

And finally, a study found that one in three U.S. consumers would consider a mortgage from Wal-Mart, but would tell their friends they got it at Target.

That's all!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - December 3, 2012

The Syrian government shut off the Internet last week, so in addition to enduring a repressive government crackdown, they also had to get by with only the porn they had saved to their hard drives.

Stand up desks are becoming more popular with office workers, who have learned to sleep standing up.

The Palestinian President returned home from his recent trip to the U.N. where the nation achieved increased  recognition and support from the international community. But people were super-excited once they found out he brought back a bunch of toilet paper with him.

Because they can't get stuff in Palestine.

In Russia, a massive traffic jam stretched out 125 miles. Because Russians love waiting in line, right?

Shakira's former boyfriend is suing her for $100million, claiming that he is responsible for making her an international star. Apparently he never saw her ass.

Nintendo Power magazine is ending after 24 years. But you can continue by pressing A+B+B+A on your controller.

And finally, North Korea plans missile launch for South Korean elections. This missile is a real breakthrough for North Korea, as it actually screams "HEY, PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" as it enters the upper atmosphere.

That's it.