Firefighters in London report a surge of handcuff-related injuries from people inspired to reenact scenes from Fifty Shades of Grey. Who would have guessed people who loved that book would be too dumb to work a pair of handcuffs?
Scientists found that a diabetes pill has an anti-aging effect in lab mice. "Great news!" said the diabetic lab mice. "We were hoping to drag out this existence as long as possible!"
A man arrested by the DEA and left abandoned in a windowless cell for four days was just awarded a $4.1 million settlement, and a co-creator credit for the reality series based on his experiences. The show is called Drink Your Own Urine.
Dock workers in Los Angeles found a cat stowed away in a freighter that arrived from the Philippines. So now cats are sneaking into the country to take all our pooping-in-boxes-and-sleeping-all-day jobs.
New York City's large soda ban was just ruled unconstitutional, under the "Full Faith and Fatass" clause.
Anthony Weiner released a video yesterday saying that he won't quit. He won't quit the race mayoral race, and he won't quit describing his dick to strange women on the Internet.
Time Warner Cable has decided not to pull CBS from its cable service, despite ongoing contract renegotiations. So don't worry, you'll still be greeted by the latest episode of NCIS when you visit your grandparents.
And finally, mass killing suspect and militant racist Anders Breivik just applied to attend university. He's going to be so pissed off when he learns about affirmative action.
That's it!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 30, 2013
Following his recent sexting scandal, Anthony Weiner has fallen to fourth place in the New York mayoral race, just ahead of Bill Clinton's penis.
On the subject of gay clergy, Pope Francis said "who am I to judge?" So, he didn't read the job description.
A new study links monogamy to increased IQ scores for men, according to the latest issue of the New England Journal of Nagging. Am I right?
Fast food industry workers are going on strike for a living wage. Best of luck to them, and we hope the nation can adjust to a day without diarrhea.
Scientists have succeeded in growing new, replacement teeth from human urine. So, you'll want to brush those teeth before you use them.
Archaeologists discovered that ancient Inca priests would use drugs to make children more docile when sacrificing them in religious rights. This just in: Roman Polanski is an Inca.
Tropical Depression Flossie is weakening after reaching Hawaii, leading to speculation that it had some poi.
And finally, the American Academy of Pediatrics found that candy is the number one cause of choking in children. And "a chance at the post-season" is still the number one cause of choking for the Chicago Cubs.
Ta-ta for now!
On the subject of gay clergy, Pope Francis said "who am I to judge?" So, he didn't read the job description.
A new study links monogamy to increased IQ scores for men, according to the latest issue of the New England Journal of Nagging. Am I right?
Fast food industry workers are going on strike for a living wage. Best of luck to them, and we hope the nation can adjust to a day without diarrhea.
Scientists have succeeded in growing new, replacement teeth from human urine. So, you'll want to brush those teeth before you use them.
Archaeologists discovered that ancient Inca priests would use drugs to make children more docile when sacrificing them in religious rights. This just in: Roman Polanski is an Inca.
Tropical Depression Flossie is weakening after reaching Hawaii, leading to speculation that it had some poi.
And finally, the American Academy of Pediatrics found that candy is the number one cause of choking in children. And "a chance at the post-season" is still the number one cause of choking for the Chicago Cubs.
Ta-ta for now!
Monday, July 29, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - July 29, 2013
A new smartphone app is in development to tell users whether or not they're drunk. The name of the app is "Wanna Call Cheryl?"
Zoologists think that dolphins may use distinct noises to refer to each other, in effect meaning that they have their own names. And apparently dolphins think it's racist when we can't tell them apart.
In China, a woman got trapped between two walls of a home, and when she cried out for help the owners thought she was a ghost. Crazy, right? Everyone knows that ghosts rent.
Recently government agents seized $35 million worth of cocaine in Florida. So now's Florida's big chance to get back on the nation's good side.
A professional group representing academic historians is pushing for universities to withhold Ph.D. dissertations from distribution on the Internet for six years after publication. It's part of a new "no spoiler" policy for world history.
Pope Francis ended his tour of Brazil with the world's longest no-touching conga line in history. Also, he's the first Pontiff since 1540 to get a full back-wax during peace time.
In Washington D.C. thousands of people lined up to experience the "corpse flower." It's the most foul thing in the city that wasn't elected or appointed.
And finally, key players in the New York Democratic Party are telling Anthony Weiner to pull out of the mayoral race after his latest sexting scandal. However, judging from the content of his messages, it could get messy if Weiner pulls out at the wrong time.
Stay classy!
Zoologists think that dolphins may use distinct noises to refer to each other, in effect meaning that they have their own names. And apparently dolphins think it's racist when we can't tell them apart.
In China, a woman got trapped between two walls of a home, and when she cried out for help the owners thought she was a ghost. Crazy, right? Everyone knows that ghosts rent.
Recently government agents seized $35 million worth of cocaine in Florida. So now's Florida's big chance to get back on the nation's good side.
A professional group representing academic historians is pushing for universities to withhold Ph.D. dissertations from distribution on the Internet for six years after publication. It's part of a new "no spoiler" policy for world history.
Pope Francis ended his tour of Brazil with the world's longest no-touching conga line in history. Also, he's the first Pontiff since 1540 to get a full back-wax during peace time.
In Washington D.C. thousands of people lined up to experience the "corpse flower." It's the most foul thing in the city that wasn't elected or appointed.
And finally, key players in the New York Democratic Party are telling Anthony Weiner to pull out of the mayoral race after his latest sexting scandal. However, judging from the content of his messages, it could get messy if Weiner pulls out at the wrong time.
Stay classy!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Rage-o-Meter: The Rock-Tsarnayev Edition
I simply cannot resist the urge to comment on this, if for no other reason than it gives me the opportunity to use the phrase "TrollingStone magazine." Which I will do now.
Music and culture journalism bastion TrollingStone magazine actually managed to something a little bit punk rock this week, possibly on purpose. Their new cover features a dreamy image of accused Boston bombing suspect Dzokhar Tsarnayev, using a photo that could just as easily have been snapped at an after-hours dubstep show in Williamsburg. Not that I'd know. The offending image:
Let's leave aside the fact that "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" was a tired phrase 6 years ago, that Magna Carta will someday be viewed as a work of genius (whether we like it or not), and that THE ARCTIC ICE MELT GETS THE SAME AMOUNT OF SPACE AS GUY CLARK JR. Put that all out of your mind for the moment, so we can get back to literally judging this book by its cover.
Just look at him. All smug and self-assured. He really does look like a douchebag from an unadvertised underground bar you'll never be cool enough to get into. How dare RollingStone elevate him like that. Wait, hold on a second. Okay, they do go on to call him "The Bomber," which could be a cool DJ name, but then they say "How a Popular, Promising Student Was Failed by His Family, Fell Into Radical Islam and Became a Monster." Well, that's not very flattering. But still, putting an accused murderer on the cover of one of our most cherished (for some reason) national magazines is not something we would ever tolerate.
That's a lot of Stalins.
Oh, and how appropriate that LIFE put Stalin on the cover, since life is something for which he had no regard. So it's not just Hitler. And it's not just Time. Could there be more examples?
And of course:
It's almost as if these magazines were somehow trying to grab the attention of their readers with provocative images and text in order to get them to purchase and read stories about current events. But does it work? Somehow Time and Newsweek largely (mostly) survived the massive boycotts that surely came as a result of these covers shown here (wait, there were none), and RollingStone will survive its latest attempts to trick people into reading the news. It's unfortunate and unavoidable when journalists offend their readers. Well, mainly its unavoidable.
If I were an editor at RollingStone (side note: I'm available!) I wouldn't lose much sleep over CVS or Walgreens or Wal-Mart or anyone else refusing to carry this issue. I'd thank my lucky stars for the free press and count the Internet traffic that comes rolling in, so to speak. Maybe that's the point. Or maybe it's just punk.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue -July 17, 2013
Actor and comedian Danny McBride took a major spill on rollerskates yesterday. His injuries were not serious, but they were described as hilariously painful.
Google Street View now includes a trip to the top of the Eiffel Tower. To make it a truly realistic experience, they're working on a way of digitally transmitting the smell of a thousand unwashed tourists.
Stevie Wonder will now boycott states with "stand your ground" laws, because he'd rather not get murdered.
Vladimir Putin just piloted a minisub to the bottom of the ocean to examine an old shipwreck and continue checking off items on his "James Bond Villain Checklist."
Dave Matthews got stranded before a show recently, and caught a ride to his show from some of his own fans. Pretty brave, considering his fans were clearly stoned.
Gas prices are down one penny over the last three weeks, so the RECESSION IS OVER!
Greek workers are striking over layoffs. In other news, Greek scabs are having a fantastic week.
And finally, a racehorse owner is using his horse to fight cancer by naming the animal "Prostate Awareness." Coincidentally, that was actually Ron Artest's birth name.
Cheers!
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 16, 2013
Twinkies are coming back, but the bad news is they're coming back smaller. But don't worry, the size of your ass will remain unchanged.
Warren Buffett is sponsoring a class in Internet philanthropy. Students will be giving away $100,000 of his money online. Truly a great day for Nigerian princes.
Scientists are predicting that soon the majority of our farming will be done by robots. So long as they have an open expansion slot for their green card.
Radiohead pulled its albums off of Spotify in protest of their payment structure. Fortunately, the albums are still available wherever fine music is stolen.
Geologists confirmed that volcanoes emit a high pitched noise, or scream, before eruption. Just one more way I'm like a volcano.
Anti-vaccine activist and general moron Jenny McCarthy just got hired for The View, or as it will be called next season, The Uninformed and Dangerously Stupid Opinion.
Experts testified yesterday that Michael Jackson stood to earn one billion dollars on his comeback tour. In MJ terms that's over 1000 chimpanzees and 300 giraffes. After taxes.
And finally, Texas state senator Wendy Davis reaped over one million dollars in campaign contributions following her recent filibuster, making her the best paid loiterer in history.
See ya tomorrow!
Monday, July 15, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - July 15, 2013
Google is set to spent $500 million promoting the new Motorola "Moto X" phone, which it turns out is slightly less than it would have cost to just make a good phone in the first place.
Police arrested a man for sitting outside John Kerry's Boston home with an open container of alcohol. In a related story, STOP THE PRESSES! Some yahoo is out drunk in Boston!
In Michigan City, Indiana, a young boy is doing well after being rescued from a sinkhole where he was trapped for three hours. The child thanked his good fortune for not being stuck in a sinkhole in Florida. Because someone would have shot him.
In Italy, racism is alive and well, as an Italian Senator just made statements likening the country's first black cabinet minister to an orangutan. Fortunately, George Zimmerman was nowhere near the cabinet minister.
China's economy slowed for the second straight quarter, proving once again that they get all their ideas from America.
Speaking of China, former Laker Metta World Peace is considering taking his talents to China as a free agent. He's excited at the prospect of playing for over a billion fans, and choking them.
In Belfast, the Northern Ireland Chief of Police denounced recent riots, saying they were "shameful and disgraceful," claiming that Northern Ireland can do way better next time.
And finally, the world's oldest calendar was discovered in Scotland recently. Scientists were able to determine its exact age by checking to see if it listed Larry King's birthday.
HE'S OLD!
And that's it for today.
Police arrested a man for sitting outside John Kerry's Boston home with an open container of alcohol. In a related story, STOP THE PRESSES! Some yahoo is out drunk in Boston!
In Michigan City, Indiana, a young boy is doing well after being rescued from a sinkhole where he was trapped for three hours. The child thanked his good fortune for not being stuck in a sinkhole in Florida. Because someone would have shot him.
In Italy, racism is alive and well, as an Italian Senator just made statements likening the country's first black cabinet minister to an orangutan. Fortunately, George Zimmerman was nowhere near the cabinet minister.
China's economy slowed for the second straight quarter, proving once again that they get all their ideas from America.
Speaking of China, former Laker Metta World Peace is considering taking his talents to China as a free agent. He's excited at the prospect of playing for over a billion fans, and choking them.
In Belfast, the Northern Ireland Chief of Police denounced recent riots, saying they were "shameful and disgraceful," claiming that Northern Ireland can do way better next time.
And finally, the world's oldest calendar was discovered in Scotland recently. Scientists were able to determine its exact age by checking to see if it listed Larry King's birthday.
HE'S OLD!
And that's it for today.
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