In today's episode, I talk about some stuff. It's 80% less horrible than last week's episode. And still robot-free. Not sure if that's a good thing or not. Enjoy!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 29, 2012
Good to see you! The week is almost over, have you accomplished anything? If you have, keep it to yourself, overachiever. Now let's joke about semi-serious things.
Newt Gingrich just laid off a third of his campaign staff, blaming financial trouble. Thanks, Obama. Mitt Romney recommend outsourcing the campaign to Chinese workers.
Queen Elizabeth II will be getting her own wax statue at Madame Tussauds in London. So finally we'll be able to see a lifelike version of her. Because she doesn't look real.
The FBI licensed the Unreal game engine to assist in their training program. This should prove helpful in recovering all those flags that keep getting stolen.
A new painting by the long-dead painter Rembrandt is going on display, thus cementing his place as the art world's Tupac.
The bassist for Staind donated $150,000 for the purchase of an ambulance in rural Massachusetts, selfishly denying us our God-given right to hate him. What a philanthropic jerk.
NewsCorp Australia is now involved in a new hacking scandal, proving again that Australia always gets into trends two years too late.
Alicia Silverstone is mouth-feeding her toddler, so now mommy bloggers can have their own "Two Girls One Cup." Don't Google that.
And finally, Magic Johnson just bought the LA Dodgers because he's used to beating the odds.
That's all! See you tomorrow, maybe? Till then, have a great day!
Newt Gingrich just laid off a third of his campaign staff, blaming financial trouble. Thanks, Obama. Mitt Romney recommend outsourcing the campaign to Chinese workers.
Queen Elizabeth II will be getting her own wax statue at Madame Tussauds in London. So finally we'll be able to see a lifelike version of her. Because she doesn't look real.
The FBI licensed the Unreal game engine to assist in their training program. This should prove helpful in recovering all those flags that keep getting stolen.
A new painting by the long-dead painter Rembrandt is going on display, thus cementing his place as the art world's Tupac.
The bassist for Staind donated $150,000 for the purchase of an ambulance in rural Massachusetts, selfishly denying us our God-given right to hate him. What a philanthropic jerk.
NewsCorp Australia is now involved in a new hacking scandal, proving again that Australia always gets into trends two years too late.
Alicia Silverstone is mouth-feeding her toddler, so now mommy bloggers can have their own "Two Girls One Cup." Don't Google that.
And finally, Magic Johnson just bought the LA Dodgers because he's used to beating the odds.
That's all! See you tomorrow, maybe? Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 28, 2012
No time for joviality. We've got jokes to get through.
Hacker group LulzSec is back in action, announcing a recent attack on the armed forces dating website MilitarySingles.com, in a coordinated effort they've dubbed "Operation Cockblock."
Beef Products Inc. is reeling from outrage over their so-called "pink slime" beef additive. In response to the negative press, they'll be rebranding the filler as "Rosy Ooze." Which sounds like a roller derby player.
Octomother Nadya Suleman just posed for topless photos for the British magazine Closer in order to pay rent and feed her children. Does this sound to anyone else like a soft-core porn adaptation of Bleak House?
Khloe Kardashian quit PETA this week, after the organization offered to pay court costs for the woman who threw a flour-bomb at Kim Kardashian. Khloe had previously posed nude for their anti-fur campaign, at which point it somehow didn't occur to her that the organization was insane.
New research indicates that eating chocolate can help you slim down, says the sad woman at your office.
AT&T is rolling out a new loyalty program, offering special incentives for customers to stay with the mobile phone giant. They're offering increased tech support, waived fees, and discounts on some products. Decent service is still unavailable.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested in Paris this week on charges of pimping. In response to the pimping charges, the defiant Strauss-Kahn issued a statement through his lawyers that he would persevere through this newest trial. He went on to say that his eventual triumph would not be easy, but it is necessary. He then added, "bitch better have my money."
And finally, in related Dominique Strauss-Kahn news, the embattled lady-enthusiast was held in jail overnight before being released on bail. Hmm. One night without hookers. This does not bode well for the women of Paris.
Take heed, take cover, and take another little piece of my heart. See you tomorrow, friends.
Hacker group LulzSec is back in action, announcing a recent attack on the armed forces dating website MilitarySingles.com, in a coordinated effort they've dubbed "Operation Cockblock."
Beef Products Inc. is reeling from outrage over their so-called "pink slime" beef additive. In response to the negative press, they'll be rebranding the filler as "Rosy Ooze." Which sounds like a roller derby player.
Octomother Nadya Suleman just posed for topless photos for the British magazine Closer in order to pay rent and feed her children. Does this sound to anyone else like a soft-core porn adaptation of Bleak House?
Khloe Kardashian quit PETA this week, after the organization offered to pay court costs for the woman who threw a flour-bomb at Kim Kardashian. Khloe had previously posed nude for their anti-fur campaign, at which point it somehow didn't occur to her that the organization was insane.
New research indicates that eating chocolate can help you slim down, says the sad woman at your office.
AT&T is rolling out a new loyalty program, offering special incentives for customers to stay with the mobile phone giant. They're offering increased tech support, waived fees, and discounts on some products. Decent service is still unavailable.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested in Paris this week on charges of pimping. In response to the pimping charges, the defiant Strauss-Kahn issued a statement through his lawyers that he would persevere through this newest trial. He went on to say that his eventual triumph would not be easy, but it is necessary. He then added, "bitch better have my money."
And finally, in related Dominique Strauss-Kahn news, the embattled lady-enthusiast was held in jail overnight before being released on bail. Hmm. One night without hookers. This does not bode well for the women of Paris.
Take heed, take cover, and take another little piece of my heart. See you tomorrow, friends.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 27, 2012
Welcome back! Let's see, where were we? Oh, yeah.
This weekend, the Archbishop of Canterbury used his time at the pulpit to publicly attack what he called "welfarism" in the UK, saying that it is unhealthy for people to depend on handouts from the government. Donation plates were then passed around.
In London, a woman was charged with breaking into Simon Cowell's house. Not only is she facing jail time, but also a withering rebuke-filled assessment of her performance in the crime from Mr. Cowell. Time served, I say.
Remember Mike Daisey and The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs? Remember how Change.org started a petition online to protect Chinese workers' rights? Well, now that the story has been discredited, organizers are trying to recall the petition. But mainly because they think that most of the 250,000 signatures are names that Mike Daisey made up.
Dolly Parton's workplace musical 9 to 5 is set for its UK debut, although it is now being promoted as a fantasy, due to the fact that all the characters have full-time jobs.
Blogging website Tumblr will start banning all blogs devoted to "harming oneself," which means they'll be taking down all the Jersey Shore recaps. Amirite?! Also, people cutting themselves and engaging in eating disorders. Which are marginally more disgusting than Paulie D.
Mad Men is back, so now we can all get back to pretending it's our favorite show.
Correction from yesterday: Gallagher is not retiring, he's just refocusing on his health. And if he goes after his health with the same focus and dedication he applied to improving his comedy, he'll be dead in a week.
And finally, drivers for a medical marijuana delivery company reported that a group of men "dressed as ninjas" robbed their truck recently. Yeah, of course they did.
Okay, that's all. Come back tomorrow for more free entertainment worth every penny!
This weekend, the Archbishop of Canterbury used his time at the pulpit to publicly attack what he called "welfarism" in the UK, saying that it is unhealthy for people to depend on handouts from the government. Donation plates were then passed around.
In London, a woman was charged with breaking into Simon Cowell's house. Not only is she facing jail time, but also a withering rebuke-filled assessment of her performance in the crime from Mr. Cowell. Time served, I say.
Remember Mike Daisey and The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs? Remember how Change.org started a petition online to protect Chinese workers' rights? Well, now that the story has been discredited, organizers are trying to recall the petition. But mainly because they think that most of the 250,000 signatures are names that Mike Daisey made up.
Dolly Parton's workplace musical 9 to 5 is set for its UK debut, although it is now being promoted as a fantasy, due to the fact that all the characters have full-time jobs.
Blogging website Tumblr will start banning all blogs devoted to "harming oneself," which means they'll be taking down all the Jersey Shore recaps. Amirite?! Also, people cutting themselves and engaging in eating disorders. Which are marginally more disgusting than Paulie D.
Mad Men is back, so now we can all get back to pretending it's our favorite show.
Correction from yesterday: Gallagher is not retiring, he's just refocusing on his health. And if he goes after his health with the same focus and dedication he applied to improving his comedy, he'll be dead in a week.
And finally, drivers for a medical marijuana delivery company reported that a group of men "dressed as ninjas" robbed their truck recently. Yeah, of course they did.
Okay, that's all. Come back tomorrow for more free entertainment worth every penny!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - March 26, 2012
Hey, it's International Blog Week! No, it's probably not. But it's a new week, with new jokes.
And they are...
James Cameron boarded a submarine yesterday and journeyed to the deepest part of the Earth. It's like he's a metaphor for not his films.
President Obama warned North Korea against restarting their missile program, saying it would accomplish nothing and only serve to further isolate them from the rest of the world. In that sense, a ballistic missile program is just like decades of ignorance and racism in Mississippi.
Dick Cheney got a heart transplant over the weekend, so there's one less runaway on the streets. By the way, great work, Science.
Geraldo Rivera said on FOX News last week that Trayvon Martin's hoodie had a contributing role in his shooting death. Like all those monks that keep getting blown away. Perhaps he'd change his tune if the hoodie lobby were pumping more money into conservative politics...
Gallagher survived a heart attack, but announced his retirement from comedy. This shocking development left comedy fans around the world wondering "how was Gallagher still around?"
Film director Todd Phillips said that the next Hangover film will be the last. Which is oddly similar to what alcoholics say.
In Vienna last week, musicians performed a recently discovered piece written by Mozart as a child. The long lost work was called "Symphony for Anna, the Booger Eater."
In Mexico, Pope Benedict XVI held an open-air mass, where he condemned the country's violent drug trade. Because what kind of monsters would use violence to make sure people used their drugs? That would be positively medieval.
Ugh, my hand got so heavy as I typed that.
And finally, a Finnish study found that people who live alone are 80% more likely to experience depression that those who live with others. The numbers are even worse for people who live in Finland.
...and scene. Come back tomorrow! Until then, thank you for reading, and have a great day!
James Cameron boarded a submarine yesterday and journeyed to the deepest part of the Earth. It's like he's a metaphor for not his films.
President Obama warned North Korea against restarting their missile program, saying it would accomplish nothing and only serve to further isolate them from the rest of the world. In that sense, a ballistic missile program is just like decades of ignorance and racism in Mississippi.
Dick Cheney got a heart transplant over the weekend, so there's one less runaway on the streets. By the way, great work, Science.
Geraldo Rivera said on FOX News last week that Trayvon Martin's hoodie had a contributing role in his shooting death. Like all those monks that keep getting blown away. Perhaps he'd change his tune if the hoodie lobby were pumping more money into conservative politics...
Gallagher survived a heart attack, but announced his retirement from comedy. This shocking development left comedy fans around the world wondering "how was Gallagher still around?"
Film director Todd Phillips said that the next Hangover film will be the last. Which is oddly similar to what alcoholics say.
In Vienna last week, musicians performed a recently discovered piece written by Mozart as a child. The long lost work was called "Symphony for Anna, the Booger Eater."
In Mexico, Pope Benedict XVI held an open-air mass, where he condemned the country's violent drug trade. Because what kind of monsters would use violence to make sure people used their drugs? That would be positively medieval.
Ugh, my hand got so heavy as I typed that.
And finally, a Finnish study found that people who live alone are 80% more likely to experience depression that those who live with others. The numbers are even worse for people who live in Finland.
...and scene. Come back tomorrow! Until then, thank you for reading, and have a great day!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Friday Morning Podcast - March 23, 2012
First ever podcast on this blog to not feature a robot. Talking about tumeric, comic books, fake meat, current events and Friday Night Lights
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 22, 2012
It's Thursday! Some stuff happened, and continues to happen. Let's make fun of it.
Many film fans were confused this week by the DVD packing for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which is made to look like a burned disc. I'm thinking if you can't figure out the DVD packaging, you're probably going to have a hard time following the movie. Maybe try Twilight?
In Zimbabwe, six activists narrowly avoided jail time for inciting violence by talking about the Arab Spring. They were, unfortunately, convicted on separate charges of talking about Fight Club.
Huh, already have two David Fincher jokes. I wonder if I can make it to Se7en. Nope. Just three.
In Alaska, a broken toilet stranded a United Airlines flight for two days. Or, as United calls it, "a short layover."
Children in the UK will soon be able to play at Angry Birds activity parks popping up all over the country, because even children have data worth mining.
Users of the new iPad complain that the machine can heat up to 116 degrees, making it the most expensive heating pad you are ever likely to buy. Also, it's the year's hottest new blah blah blah stupid joke.
PayPal Here, a new service that allows people and stores to read credit cards with smart phones, has already signed up thousands of users. The main selling point is that you can put real human interaction back into identity theft.
Former actor Kirk Cameron went on "Fox and Friends" to defend his reputation yesterday against charges of homophobia and bullying. And let's be clear, he's not a bully. He's just a guy who doesn't understand the Bible.
And finally, in other religious news, one of Mexico's most brutal drug cartel pledged to hold off on any violence during Pope Benedict XVI's visit. Not sure if that's because they're afraid of him or not. But whatever the reason, can we get the Pope to move to Mexico?
Alright, that's it. More to come, whenever it does. Till then, have a great day!
Many film fans were confused this week by the DVD packing for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which is made to look like a burned disc. I'm thinking if you can't figure out the DVD packaging, you're probably going to have a hard time following the movie. Maybe try Twilight?
In Zimbabwe, six activists narrowly avoided jail time for inciting violence by talking about the Arab Spring. They were, unfortunately, convicted on separate charges of talking about Fight Club.
Huh, already have two David Fincher jokes. I wonder if I can make it to Se7en. Nope. Just three.
In Alaska, a broken toilet stranded a United Airlines flight for two days. Or, as United calls it, "a short layover."
Children in the UK will soon be able to play at Angry Birds activity parks popping up all over the country, because even children have data worth mining.
Users of the new iPad complain that the machine can heat up to 116 degrees, making it the most expensive heating pad you are ever likely to buy. Also, it's the year's hottest new blah blah blah stupid joke.
PayPal Here, a new service that allows people and stores to read credit cards with smart phones, has already signed up thousands of users. The main selling point is that you can put real human interaction back into identity theft.
Former actor Kirk Cameron went on "Fox and Friends" to defend his reputation yesterday against charges of homophobia and bullying. And let's be clear, he's not a bully. He's just a guy who doesn't understand the Bible.
And finally, in other religious news, one of Mexico's most brutal drug cartel pledged to hold off on any violence during Pope Benedict XVI's visit. Not sure if that's because they're afraid of him or not. But whatever the reason, can we get the Pope to move to Mexico?
Alright, that's it. More to come, whenever it does. Till then, have a great day!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)