Let's see what happened in the last 24 hours that we can make fun of.
The animal rights group PETA recently announced a contest to give away a free vasectomy to a human. Unfortunately, you can't nominate other people for the prize. You win this round, Larry King.
This year has so far seen a boom in the number of documentaries coming from the Peoples Republic of China. At least we think they're documentaries. It's hard to tell with all the audio bleeped out and black bars over every shot.
Unlikely celebrity Paris Hilton recently said in an interview "I'm no diva." That's true. Divas can sing.
In Las Vegas, hotel and casino promoters are embracing the city's mob roots with special attractions and theme restaurants recalling the fashion and spirit of the city's sordid past. Are you listening, Berlin?
Former Senator and human rights advocate Rick Santorum said that his daughter's health will be a large factor in his decision to whether to run for president. Another big factor? Try to Google him.
Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner said in an interview recently that he is unwilling to increase the amount of product placement in the popular cable series. Did he forget to mention it's about an advertising agency? One thing they're not selling: self-awareness.
In New Jersey, a woman is suing her plastic surgeon after her last surgery left her unable to close her eyes. What's even worse? She's still got crows' feet.
In Chicago a pool hall was cited for serving a beer to a 12 year old. Also, he ordered a draft and got a can. That's just wrong.
And that's just it for me this week! Spread the word, and come back for Friday's with Spencer and Earnest's Weekend Monologue on Sunday. Saturday you can sleep in.
Have a great day!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 30, 2011
Shall we?
International movie star George Clooney and famed footballer Christian Ronaldo have been called as witnesses in Silvio Berlusconi's trial for underage prostitution. Thank goodness the trial isn't turning into some sort of circus.
Speaking of circuses, a recent poll found that a majority of Americans think music and hair phenom Justin Bieber will be in rehab by the time he's 30. But he's always been so determined and such a hardworker, he can probably get there by 23 if he really tries.
On the Internet, Facebook removed an "intifada" group page from the website recently, saying that hate speech like that would not be allowed on the site, unless it's directed at the gay community.
In an unrelated story, Perez Hilton signed a deal for a children's book. He said he's excited about the challenge of writing up to a 3rd grade reading level. When asked about the demands of the book, Mr. Hilton said "I think I can. I think I can. Hey, that's pretty good! I should write that down!"
Hoping to put the "Birther" controversy to rest, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty said yesterday that President Obama was born in USA, and not in some other country. Unfortunately, no one was able to stay awake through the end of the statement.
The U.S. Supreme Court will soon hear a gender-discrimination case against Wal-Mart, wherein the plaintiffs claim Wal-Mart's female employees were underpaid. A spokesman for the company said "this is ridiculous. We've never singled women out for reduced pay! We don't want to pay anyone anything at all, regardless of race, gender or any of that crap. Seriously, we just hate our workers and wish we didn't have to pay them. Wouldn't that be nice?"
California authorities recently raided a house where pregnant Chinese women came to give birth to their babies, thus making the babies American. It's thought that by giving them American citizenship, they'll be less likely to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.
And finally, a Wisconsin judge has blocked the implementation of the recent union-busting bill signed into law by Governor Scott Walker. Walker responded by declaring it "opposite day" and enforcing the law anyway.
That's all for now. Have a great Wednesday and share us with your friends!
International movie star George Clooney and famed footballer Christian Ronaldo have been called as witnesses in Silvio Berlusconi's trial for underage prostitution. Thank goodness the trial isn't turning into some sort of circus.
Speaking of circuses, a recent poll found that a majority of Americans think music and hair phenom Justin Bieber will be in rehab by the time he's 30. But he's always been so determined and such a hardworker, he can probably get there by 23 if he really tries.
On the Internet, Facebook removed an "intifada" group page from the website recently, saying that hate speech like that would not be allowed on the site, unless it's directed at the gay community.
In an unrelated story, Perez Hilton signed a deal for a children's book. He said he's excited about the challenge of writing up to a 3rd grade reading level. When asked about the demands of the book, Mr. Hilton said "I think I can. I think I can. Hey, that's pretty good! I should write that down!"
Hoping to put the "Birther" controversy to rest, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty said yesterday that President Obama was born in USA, and not in some other country. Unfortunately, no one was able to stay awake through the end of the statement.
The U.S. Supreme Court will soon hear a gender-discrimination case against Wal-Mart, wherein the plaintiffs claim Wal-Mart's female employees were underpaid. A spokesman for the company said "this is ridiculous. We've never singled women out for reduced pay! We don't want to pay anyone anything at all, regardless of race, gender or any of that crap. Seriously, we just hate our workers and wish we didn't have to pay them. Wouldn't that be nice?"
California authorities recently raided a house where pregnant Chinese women came to give birth to their babies, thus making the babies American. It's thought that by giving them American citizenship, they'll be less likely to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.
And finally, a Wisconsin judge has blocked the implementation of the recent union-busting bill signed into law by Governor Scott Walker. Walker responded by declaring it "opposite day" and enforcing the law anyway.
That's all for now. Have a great Wednesday and share us with your friends!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 29, 2011
Welcome back, everybody! What's more fun than a blog full of jokes? Nothin', that's what! Enjoy!
South Korea recently sent 37 defectors back to North Korea, in what sounds like the penalty phase for the world's most brutal reality show. Get kicked off American Idol, you go on Regis and Kelly the next day. Get kicked off South Korean Idol, and things get decidedly worse. Are you paying attention, Hollywood?
Speaking of things ignored by Hollywood, the Junos, Canada's version of the Grammies, were held this weekend. To no one's surprise, Canuck music commune The Arcade Fire won, taking home four awards including Album of the Year. Better luck next time, Loverboy. Really, though, The Arcade Fire winning at the Juno's is about as surprising as Tyler Perry sweeping the NAACP Image Awards. Which he did.
Lindsay Lohan is planning to drop her last name. Apparently she thinks that if she's just "Linday," the cops won't be able to find her.
Facebook may be hiring former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs as part of their overall strategy to help stymie the flow of information from the company.
NASA abandoned plans to add a 3-D camera to a new Mars rover. Instead, they'll shoot in 2-D and convert it to 3-D later. It worked for Alice in Wonderland, right?
In other dimensional news, radio personality Rush Limbaugh has begun disparaging the First Lady's figure, because apparently Mr. Limbaugh has never seen a mirror. Although his tits are probably bigger than hers...
The U.S. State Department has preemptively apologized for the upcoming visit of Jersey Shore cast members to Italy. Many Italians are concerned that the program, and it's cast, perpetuate negative stereotypes against the Italian people. But then again, they voted for Berlusconi, so what the hell do they know?
Lastly, Donald Trump recently produced a birth certificate proving that he was born in Queens, New York. No documentation was available regarding the origin of his hair.
That's it for today! Remember, these were free. If you did like them, tell your friends! Spread the word far and wide! We'll be back tomorrow, hope to see you then.
Have a great day!
South Korea recently sent 37 defectors back to North Korea, in what sounds like the penalty phase for the world's most brutal reality show. Get kicked off American Idol, you go on Regis and Kelly the next day. Get kicked off South Korean Idol, and things get decidedly worse. Are you paying attention, Hollywood?
Speaking of things ignored by Hollywood, the Junos, Canada's version of the Grammies, were held this weekend. To no one's surprise, Canuck music commune The Arcade Fire won, taking home four awards including Album of the Year. Better luck next time, Loverboy. Really, though, The Arcade Fire winning at the Juno's is about as surprising as Tyler Perry sweeping the NAACP Image Awards. Which he did.
Lindsay Lohan is planning to drop her last name. Apparently she thinks that if she's just "Linday," the cops won't be able to find her.
Facebook may be hiring former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs as part of their overall strategy to help stymie the flow of information from the company.
NASA abandoned plans to add a 3-D camera to a new Mars rover. Instead, they'll shoot in 2-D and convert it to 3-D later. It worked for Alice in Wonderland, right?
In other dimensional news, radio personality Rush Limbaugh has begun disparaging the First Lady's figure, because apparently Mr. Limbaugh has never seen a mirror. Although his tits are probably bigger than hers...
The U.S. State Department has preemptively apologized for the upcoming visit of Jersey Shore cast members to Italy. Many Italians are concerned that the program, and it's cast, perpetuate negative stereotypes against the Italian people. But then again, they voted for Berlusconi, so what the hell do they know?
Lastly, Donald Trump recently produced a birth certificate proving that he was born in Queens, New York. No documentation was available regarding the origin of his hair.
That's it for today! Remember, these were free. If you did like them, tell your friends! Spread the word far and wide! We'll be back tomorrow, hope to see you then.
Have a great day!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - March 28, 2011
Okay, everybody, looks like we've got some jokes for you today. Hope that's why you came.
A Montana Radio Shack location is offering a free gun with the purchase and installation of Dish Network, which is great news for people who love watching television and shooting things.
Remember "Baby Jessica," the little girl who fell into a well and nearly died? Well, she just turned 25 and got access to a trust fund set up for her with donations collected when she was in the well. Looks like she fell ass-backwards into money. Good for her!
In the snack food world, the Frito-Lay company made news this week when they announced their "food" products would be going "all natural." Someone must have told them that salt and oil are "natural." You know what else is natural? Diabetes and heart disease, but no one ever goes bragging about it.
Staying with the world of food and drink, Starbucks is set to unveil a new line of coffee machines that brew a single cup of coffee at a time. It's part of their new product line for painfully alone coffee-lovers.
In Qatar, organizers for the 2022 World Cup announced they're planning to build artificial, remote controlled clouds to provide shade for the games. Also, they're building special watering stations to re-hydrate anyone who has become parched from spitting on poor people.
In Los Angeles, police have closed another 60 medical marijuana dispensaries, thus making the drug completely unavailable to people who want it. History will show that's how we won the war on drugs.
Clothier and soft-core pornography studio Abercrombie & Fitch is under fire for offering a new children's bikini top with padding for flat-chested girls. The company issued a statement saying "we stand behind our product, and we believe it's never too young to encourage women to hate their bodies."
Lastly, in more clothing news, director/actor/orator Sylvester Stallone is moving into the fashion world with a new line of clothes inspired by the films of Rocky and Rambo. They're just like any other clothes, except they're covered in blood. Look for them at K-Mart this summer!
That's all for now, hope your time with us has been hilarious and utterly unproductive. Tell your friends, share us via the magic buttons below, and come see us again. But most importantly, have a wonderful day!
A Montana Radio Shack location is offering a free gun with the purchase and installation of Dish Network, which is great news for people who love watching television and shooting things.
Remember "Baby Jessica," the little girl who fell into a well and nearly died? Well, she just turned 25 and got access to a trust fund set up for her with donations collected when she was in the well. Looks like she fell ass-backwards into money. Good for her!
In the snack food world, the Frito-Lay company made news this week when they announced their "food" products would be going "all natural." Someone must have told them that salt and oil are "natural." You know what else is natural? Diabetes and heart disease, but no one ever goes bragging about it.
Staying with the world of food and drink, Starbucks is set to unveil a new line of coffee machines that brew a single cup of coffee at a time. It's part of their new product line for painfully alone coffee-lovers.
In Qatar, organizers for the 2022 World Cup announced they're planning to build artificial, remote controlled clouds to provide shade for the games. Also, they're building special watering stations to re-hydrate anyone who has become parched from spitting on poor people.
In Los Angeles, police have closed another 60 medical marijuana dispensaries, thus making the drug completely unavailable to people who want it. History will show that's how we won the war on drugs.
Clothier and soft-core pornography studio Abercrombie & Fitch is under fire for offering a new children's bikini top with padding for flat-chested girls. The company issued a statement saying "we stand behind our product, and we believe it's never too young to encourage women to hate their bodies."
Lastly, in more clothing news, director/actor/orator Sylvester Stallone is moving into the fashion world with a new line of clothes inspired by the films of Rocky and Rambo. They're just like any other clothes, except they're covered in blood. Look for them at K-Mart this summer!
That's all for now, hope your time with us has been hilarious and utterly unproductive. Tell your friends, share us via the magic buttons below, and come see us again. But most importantly, have a wonderful day!
Earnest's Weekend Monologue - March 27, 2011
Sorry I was gone last week, but I'm back this week with jokes about crack, weed, snakes, and Apple, all of which pose various dangers to our communities.
Apple Sued Amazon this week over their use of the term "App Store," which Apple claims to own. Apple is in a tough spot. It's hard being Apple and trying to protect a generic term for which it's become known- like "Rich douchebags"
Washington DC's white population has exploded by 31.6% over the past decade according to the census. DC Mayor Marion Berry's first sign of the gentrification came when he started having to order crack in tall, grande, or venti.
A Montanna parks employee was granted workers' comp after being mauled by a grizzly bear he was attempting to feed while high. Let this be a lesson to you high school and college kids. Not all of the ideas you come up with while high are brilliant.
Geraldine Ferraro died this week. She's best remembered as the first woman to run for Vice President. She ran and lost, paving the way for Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton to run and lose. I hear Ferraro almost made it to heaven but ran into a glass ceiling.
A cobra escaped from the Bronx Zoo, and I hope they catch him quickly because you know that none of that time he spent on the inside was spent on actual rehabilitation. Nope, he was just learning from older cobras how to be meaner and more vicious once he got out.
Apple Sued Amazon this week over their use of the term "App Store," which Apple claims to own. Apple is in a tough spot. It's hard being Apple and trying to protect a generic term for which it's become known- like "Rich douchebags"
Washington DC's white population has exploded by 31.6% over the past decade according to the census. DC Mayor Marion Berry's first sign of the gentrification came when he started having to order crack in tall, grande, or venti.
A Montanna parks employee was granted workers' comp after being mauled by a grizzly bear he was attempting to feed while high. Let this be a lesson to you high school and college kids. Not all of the ideas you come up with while high are brilliant.
Geraldine Ferraro died this week. She's best remembered as the first woman to run for Vice President. She ran and lost, paving the way for Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton to run and lose. I hear Ferraro almost made it to heaven but ran into a glass ceiling.
A cobra escaped from the Bronx Zoo, and I hope they catch him quickly because you know that none of that time he spent on the inside was spent on actual rehabilitation. Nope, he was just learning from older cobras how to be meaner and more vicious once he got out.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Fridays with Spencer: Hungry in Hungary
President Obama officially notified Congress about the military action in Libya Monday night. Republicans in Congress are growing increasingly critical of Obama’s decision to use force in Libya. The President's secretary then stepped into the room and said, "Mr. President, you have a call on line one. Something about a pot and kettle?"
Speaking of war: One of 12 U.S. soldiers charged in relation to the murder of three Afghan citizens will plead guilty, says The Wall Street Journal. On Monday, the German magazine Der Spiegel published photographs of the soldiers posing with the corpses of their alleged victims. Which is easily the least disturbing picture ever published by the Germans.
Sources close to Glenn Beck say he is considering starting his own channel when his contract with Fox News expires at the end of the year. Looks like the prophesy of Beck becoming the Mormon Pat Robertson are true! Praise Allah! Oh... also Glenn, "going rogue" has been taken.
The final cost of Japan’s earthquake and tsunami are not quite certain — it figures to be between $200 and $300 billion, either way, the disaster will be the costliest ever. That distinction had previously gone to Hurricane Katrina, which caused $125 billion worth of damage to the New Orleans area. The difference: Wii's and flat-screen TV's.
I thought Republican's were against handouts? Conservative guerrilla James O’Keefe — the man behind the video stings that recently brought down several NPR executives — is asking supporters to donate $50,000 to help him pay off credit card debt incurred by his sting operations. It is rumored that O'Keefe will hold an all-day Telethon to keep "viewers like you" coming back.
Suspected underwear bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab considered bombing Houston and Chicago, but the tickets were too expensive, so he went with Detroit. Even terrorists love Southwest!
French warplanes shot down a Libyan plane on Thursday. To which President Obama said, "Those assholes have planes?"
Speaking of war: One of 12 U.S. soldiers charged in relation to the murder of three Afghan citizens will plead guilty, says The Wall Street Journal. On Monday, the German magazine Der Spiegel published photographs of the soldiers posing with the corpses of their alleged victims. Which is easily the least disturbing picture ever published by the Germans.
Sources close to Glenn Beck say he is considering starting his own channel when his contract with Fox News expires at the end of the year. Looks like the prophesy of Beck becoming the Mormon Pat Robertson are true! Praise Allah! Oh... also Glenn, "going rogue" has been taken.
The final cost of Japan’s earthquake and tsunami are not quite certain — it figures to be between $200 and $300 billion, either way, the disaster will be the costliest ever. That distinction had previously gone to Hurricane Katrina, which caused $125 billion worth of damage to the New Orleans area. The difference: Wii's and flat-screen TV's.
I thought Republican's were against handouts? Conservative guerrilla James O’Keefe — the man behind the video stings that recently brought down several NPR executives — is asking supporters to donate $50,000 to help him pay off credit card debt incurred by his sting operations. It is rumored that O'Keefe will hold an all-day Telethon to keep "viewers like you" coming back.
Suspected underwear bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab considered bombing Houston and Chicago, but the tickets were too expensive, so he went with Detroit. Even terrorists love Southwest!
French warplanes shot down a Libyan plane on Thursday. To which President Obama said, "Those assholes have planes?"
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 24, 2011
Warm greeting! Banter, banter, banter... mildly humorous comment! Exhortation to read further!
A three-year-old boy in China recently weighed in at 132lbs. That sounds freakish, but he's also 5'10" and he's a gymnast. Yep, everything here is on the up and up.
The House of Windsor issued some etiquette guidelines for behavior at the upcoming royal wedding. One of the stand outs: don't tweet from inside the church. That's a good call, and clearly the people who would tweet during a wedding are very concerned with proper behavior.
The Pet Shop Boys produced a new ballet in London. Try to act surprised.
NBC is launching a new Paul Reiser series in April. Try to act surprised.
Libyan embarrassment Mohammar Gaddhafi remains defiant in the face of coalition attacks, saying "we are making fun of their rockets." I'm guessing that it's primarily dick jokes. At least that's how I'd make fun of rockets.
Showtime decided to pull their current shows from the popular Netflix streaming service, making them instead only available to Showtime subscribers. Apparently Showtime is laboring under the delusion that anyone actually thinks Weeds and United States of Tara are worth money.
MTV just signed up The Real World for seasons 27 and 28, meaning that if the show were a person, it would no longer understand itself.
Lastly, Ed Harris will be playing Senator John McCain in HBO's new miniseries Game Changer. He only got the part after scheduling conflicts forced the actual John McCain to drop out of the production. He was already set to star in the Pet Shop Boys' ballet.
That's all for me today! Hope you enjoyed this, and if you did tell your friends! If not, wait until we have a funnier post, then tell your friends. Come back for more jokes tomorrow with Spencer and Sunday with Earnest.
Have a great day!
A three-year-old boy in China recently weighed in at 132lbs. That sounds freakish, but he's also 5'10" and he's a gymnast. Yep, everything here is on the up and up.
The House of Windsor issued some etiquette guidelines for behavior at the upcoming royal wedding. One of the stand outs: don't tweet from inside the church. That's a good call, and clearly the people who would tweet during a wedding are very concerned with proper behavior.
The Pet Shop Boys produced a new ballet in London. Try to act surprised.
NBC is launching a new Paul Reiser series in April. Try to act surprised.
Libyan embarrassment Mohammar Gaddhafi remains defiant in the face of coalition attacks, saying "we are making fun of their rockets." I'm guessing that it's primarily dick jokes. At least that's how I'd make fun of rockets.
Showtime decided to pull their current shows from the popular Netflix streaming service, making them instead only available to Showtime subscribers. Apparently Showtime is laboring under the delusion that anyone actually thinks Weeds and United States of Tara are worth money.
MTV just signed up The Real World for seasons 27 and 28, meaning that if the show were a person, it would no longer understand itself.
Lastly, Ed Harris will be playing Senator John McCain in HBO's new miniseries Game Changer. He only got the part after scheduling conflicts forced the actual John McCain to drop out of the production. He was already set to star in the Pet Shop Boys' ballet.
That's all for me today! Hope you enjoyed this, and if you did tell your friends! If not, wait until we have a funnier post, then tell your friends. Come back for more jokes tomorrow with Spencer and Sunday with Earnest.
Have a great day!
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