Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 1, 2012

Happy May Day! How will you be celebrating? Perhaps by angrily taking to the streets? Or dancing happily around a large pole? Either option is equally valid. First, enjoy some jokes.

Presidential "candidate" Mitt Romney said that just like President Obama, he also would have ordered the raid on bin Laden's compound last year. But he would have ordered it from China.

A woman was just rescued in Utah after spending four days stranded in the desert. Or as the rest of us call it, "being in Utah."

Clive Palmer, an Australian billionaire, is now building and plans to sail a ship called "Titanic II" from London to New York. James Cameron responded to the news by saying "I love sequels!"

The Macmillan Cancer Support charity in England says that not enough women are using sunscreen. It also kindly offered to help women apply the sunscreen. And, you know, maybe get a drink afterward?

United States armed forces are joining the hunt for African mega-bastard Joseph Kony. Has anyone checked Pakistan?

The HDNet channel is launching a reality show about the women at a legal brothel in Nevada. Hmm. Television program about legally-sanctioned prostitutes? Didn't that used to be called C-SPAN?

BOOM!

In Murfreesboro, Tennessee, a trial is underway to prevent the construction of a mosque in the town on the grounds that the Imams might start teaching evolution.

And finally, Microsoft just bought a sizable stake in Barnes and Noble's Nook device, so look out for them to stop working any time now.

That's it! But since you've been so good, enjoy this May Day goodness:

"May Queen," by Liz Phair. Not related to Brian May of Queen.

Hey, how about the Haymarket riots?

That's all!

Monday Morning Monologue - April 30, 2012

Say goodbye to April, everybody. And say it with laughter.

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the death of Osama bin Laden, and many within the Republican party are accusing President Obama of playing politics with bin Ladin’s death. Which isn’t fair, considering that playing politics with national security has always been their thing.

The FDA just approved a new medication, Levaquin, for treating the plague. Wait a minute. Why are we making new drugs for the plague? WHAT ARE YOU NOT TELLING US, FDA?!

In New York, the Mayor’s office authorized additional livery cabs for the outer boroughs, so now there will be even more cabs out on the streets, ready to ignore black people.

After a recent anti-Saudi protests in Egypt, the Egyptian government is trying to smooth things over with the Saudi Arabian government. As part of their efforts, they’ve promised to “completely treat women like shit.”

Students in a dorm at the University of Alabama were held up by an armed robber this weekend. While the experience was traumatic, it’s nothing compared to the tender mercies of Sallie Mae.

A former Miss New Hampshire was arrested for kicking and biting her boyfriend after he accused her of cheating. Shouldn’t be a surprise, though, as her portion of the Talent competition was called simply “Jerry Springer-ing.”

In Dallas, a police officer was arrested for driving drunk, firing his weapon and possession of marijuana. He’s considering a transfer to the Secret Service.

And finally, New York City is considering a ban on “happy hour” promotions at bars. Critics argue that they’re too misleading, and have proposed renaming them “maudlin resignation hours.”

And that’s it! Later, gaters.

Friday Morning Podcast - April 27, 2012

One more time.



Enjoy!

This is Daiya Cheese. So delicious.

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 26, 2012

Good times are here again, people. It's Ladies' Night here at Late Night Morning, so help yourself to some shitty beer. I don't even know what that means. Let's dance! I mean, how about some jokes?

A medical researcher claims to have located the G-Spot, according to an article in next months's Journal of American Bragging.

Sources close to John Edwards say that he at first doubted that his love child was his, until he found out that the baby was cheating on a cancer patient. Runs in families.

In Bavaria, public schools may reintroduce passages of Hitler's book, Mein Kampf. I just hope that no one goes crazy and starts burning big piles of copies of the book, because I'm fairly certain that much irony would turn Germany into Brooklyn.

Rupert Murdoch said yesterday that phone hacking is "lazy" journalism, which is why he only employs journalists who go the extra mile and make shit up.

He also said that he has never had any political influence on British politicians. He then went on to deny the existence of bear droppings in the woods.

Actor Jason Segel complained recently that the head of a movie studio ordered him to lose weight for a film. The executive also cut his pay by 25% and demanded that he menstruate every four weeks.

Donald Trump demanded that Scotland cancel plans for an offshore wind farm near one of his golfing resorts. Either he's just trying to protect his combover, or Trump just wants to be the biggest windbag in the area.

And finally, Newt Gingrich will be suspending his Presidential campaign next week due to the fact that he's run out of books to sell. Better luck next time, Newt!

That's all for now! Maybe there'll be a podcast tomorrow, though. Wouldn't that be neat?! Till then, or whenever, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 25, 2012

Goodness, it's already Wednesday! Well done, everyone. We'll get through this together. And we'll get through this blog post, by gum. This message was brought to you by gum. BUY GUM! I think I need more sleep.

In Pennsylvania, a man filed a lawsuit against the makers of the Assassin's Creed videogame, accusing them of copyright infringement and demanding to stop the release of the newest installment of the popular series. And yes, he will be likely be assassinated by a nerd.

A recent medical study found deaths from measles are falling, which should make it easier to get to Oregon.

A survey of recent college graduates found that half of the graduates are currently jobless. The other half were not Liberal Arts majors.

In Burma, Aung San Suu Kyi is boycotting the Burmese parliament over an oath of office she refuses to honor. A junta spokesman offered to let her work from home instead.

Young people news! After reading the Hunger Games novels, school age children across America are showing an increased interest in archery and, as a result, puncture wounds.

A consortium of investors are coming together to explore the possibility of launching missions to space to blast apart asteroids in search of rare minerals. That name of the consortium? Atari.

Russian whalers and biologists have taken to the arctic sea in search of a rare, all-white killer whale, because that sort of thing always turns out well.

And finally, an 8-foot tall bronze statue of Willie Nelson was unveiled in Austin last week. It's surprising that the singer has been bronzed, considering how much time he spends stoned.

Wokka, wokka, wokka. See you tomorrow!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 24, 2012

It's Tuesday. So blah. How do you make Tuesday sexy? Well, I don't know. Maybe some slutty-looking lingerie? I'd probably enjoy seeing that. Okay, I guess that's creepy enough for now. Please partake in some slutty-looking jokes.

In Mexico, Wal-Mart executives apparently bribed government officials all over the country. But good news, they used cheap, Chinese-made bribes and passed the savings on to the consumer. That's the free market, baby!

Speaking of the free market, you know what happens when you don't regulate it? Well, first you get bribes, then you get drug cartels. Just a thought...

In Florida, the Sanford city council rejected Police Chief Bill Lee's resignation yesterday. How much must he suck if he can't even quit successfully?

Speaking of successfully quitting, Speaker John Boehner said recently that the GOP has a one in three chance of losing the House of Representatives. There's also a one in one chance that Speaker Boehner will cry creepily, no matter what happens.

Lyudmila Putin, wife of Vladimir Putin, has disappeared from the public eye in the last week, leading to speculation that she is either ill, pregnant, or was found out to be a double agent.


Oh, and Chris Brown is now selling puppies online. And I was wondering, "how can we make puppies sinister?"


X-Factor host Simon Cowell confirmed in his recent memoir that he is not gay, just a catty asshole.


Newt Gingrich is supporting an anti-gay marriage amendment in North Carolina, which  may be the best news for gay marriage this month.

And finally, the U.S. Army canceled a planned Ted Nugent concert after he kinda threatened to try to kill the President. Also, since it was revealed that he illegally killed a black bear, he's now been banned from the Country Bear Jamboree.

That's all! Tomorrow! Bye!

Monday Morning Monologue - April 23, 2012

Oh, boy. Monday. Nothing like it. And that's a good thing.

Hey, Sunday was Earth Day! Did you do anything to celebrate? Google made a neat doodle for their front page with pretty flowers spelling out "Google." I thought it was so cute, I printed out copies for all my friends.

Socialist candidate Francoise Hollande is leading French President Nicolas Sarkozy in the first round of the nation's Presidential election. If Hollande is elected, he's pledged to remove many of Sarkozy's people from the government, but has offered a spot in his administration to Carla Bruni.

At last, the John Edwards trial is set to begin in North Carolina. He stands accused of improperly using large amounts of campaign donations to cover up his affair back in 2008, when that sort of thing was illegal. Once again, Edwards gets into trouble because he just couldn't wait.

Senator Joe Lieberman called for a widespread investigation into the Secret-Service-Colombian-Hooker-Scandal. The Internet called for computer animations from Apple Daily. And also a porn-parody.

According to the Associated Press, China expressed confidence in North Korea's new leadership. In a related story, I expressed doubt in the Associated Press' translators.

Egypt cancelled gas shipments to Israel of payment disputes because... ugh. I'm not going to finish that joke.

In Nevada, a rarely seen daytime meteor appeared at the end of a massive meteor shower, covering the spread at the last minute.

And finally, the Australian House of Representatives Speaker, Peter Slipper, is stepping down in the midst of a developing sex scandal. This is troubling news, but not nearly as troubling as the apparent fact that the name of every Speaker of the House around the world is a euphemism for "penis."

That's all! It's great to be back. See you tomorrow, everyone! Until then, have a great day!

Friday Morning Podcast - April 20, 2012

It's podcast time again, friends. Dive in!



And here's some Ted Nugent album covers for you to enjoy.

Friday Morning Podcast - April 13, 2012

Once again, I'm coming at you with some podcasty goodness. Take a listen here:

Special guest co-host: Spike the Cat

 And here's some spicy shots for you:

Ginger. Very spicy.

Mortar + Pestle = thoroughly ground curry powder

Curry powder!

The end result! Ish.

Angelina Jolie as Evelyn Salt.
Is she eating nightshade-free curry?
Seems unlikely, but let's go ahead and say yes.

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 12, 2012

You ever have one of those days when you think you know what you're going to write about, and then someone comes along and does something so stupid that you chuck out your eight carefully crafted jokes in favor mocking this one specific moment of hyper-douchebaggery? No? Well, it is a pretty specific experience, I'll give you that. And I'll also give you this, from *CONGRESSMAN* Allen West:

Yep. He just said he heard that around 80 democrats in the House of Representatives are communists. What else has he heard? (psst! If you follow me on Twitter @soonerseth then this might sound familiar... sorry!)

"I heard 80 House Democrats are Communists. No, I've never heard of Joe McCarthy."

"Democrats may also be witches."

"And it's possible they demanded that the House Cafeteria serve barbecued baby."

"I heard Charlie Rangel produced Madonna's new album."

"Have you heard that Nancy Pelosi double-dips chips at parties? Communist parties?"

"Democrats said you looked stupid today."

"Voting for Democrats makes you fat. Maybe."

"And Democrats in Congress might have tried to cancel Game of Thrones."

"You guys, financial reform makes you go blind. At least that's what I heard."

That's all. Thanks for joining in the fun while our civilization turns to shit!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 11, 2012

Anything happen yesterday?

Former Senator Rick Santorum added "Former Candidate" to his name as he officially suspended his campaign after someone told him that running for President made you gay.

In Miami, Marlins' coach Ozzie Guillen was suspended after praising Fidel Castro, because the Marlins organization won't get behind anyone who stifles free expression. Also, his pitching is crap.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers just announced that they're endorsing President Obama for re-election. Pitchfork called the endorsement derivative of their last endorsement, and Rolling Stones said it was their worst endorsement in years.

That band sucks.

Ashley Judd went after the gossip media for fixating on her "puffy" face recently. She wrote an angry essay for the Daily Beast, which is a bold move for someone fighting the perception that she's losing her looks.

English Rugby chairman Richard Lewis was hired to head Wimbeldon, so look for that to be a lot more interesting next year.

The White House is pushing the new "Buffett Rule" for taxes, which would require you to use a clean plate each time you pay your taxes.

Statistically, speaking, one-fifth of third graders now own a cell phone, which is why your new auto-correct dictionary includes the word "cooties" but not "job."

And finally, the Iranian government announced it will be cutting the country off entirely from the Internet by August, so enjoy Iran's top celebrity gossip blog, SnarkyFarsi.com, while you can.

And that's it. See you tomorrow!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 10, 2012

Ever have one of those days when your computer is a total and complete bastard? I'm starting to think "lenovo" is French for "screw you, user." It's fine, though. I don't really like getting things done. Anyway, 90+ minutes later, and I'm back in the saddle, waiting for the blue screen of death to come for me. Before it does, let me tell you some jokes.

First, actress and funny person Kristen Wiig said yesterday that she thinks leaving Saturday Night Live will be "the hardest thing," probably because she's afraid Lorne Michaels is going to lock her in a room with Justin Timberlake and make them both do the Target sketch until one or both of them are dead. Read your contract, Kristen! Soylent Green is Michaela Watkins!

In international news, the U.S. is looking to deepen relations with Brazil, because the U.S. heard that Brazil is really good at relations, and will relate in all sorts of crazy ways that NATO countries just won't anymore.

That's a sex joke.

Britney Spears is petitioning a judge to add her new fiance to her financial conservatorship, along with her father, because she doesn't have any daddy issues.

The Iranian government blocked its people from accessing the 2012 Olympics website, angering no one.

ATT just sold its Yellow Pages business to Cerebus, who will probably flip through it looking for coupons, then leave it alone for several years before finally divesting it during a long-overdue spring cleaning/reorganization.

Microsoft is buying one billion dollars' worth of patents from AOL, raising the company's net worth to one billion dollars.

Actor Ray Liotta said he's tired of playing criminals on screen, and wants a romantic role. It's the most passive-aggressive retirement announcement ever.

And finally, the outlook is bleak for the ceasefire in Syria scheduled for today, following reports of government forces confiscating all of the country's calendars. Should have seen that coming.

And that's all. Till tomorrow!

Late Night Morning News

Tuesday's post will be delayed on account of my computer being a jerk.

Monday Morning Monologue - April 9, 2012

Welcome back.

Electronics giant Sony will reportedly be cutting 10,000 jobs in an effort to make the company profitable again. You should expect the next installment of Grand Tourismo to feature a lot more used cars.

Film director and explorer James Cameron said he is delaying production on Avatar 2 until after Disney releases Pocahontas 2 so he can copy the plot.

In Moscow, Red Square is now open to anti-Putin protesters. No word yet on if and when they will be allowed to leave.

At the Masters tournament, golfer Tiger Woods lost his temper after a missed shot and threw his golf club. Looks like someone has a little impulse-control problem...

At his Easter Mass, Pope Benedict said that mankind is "groping in the dark." Vatican lawyers were unavailable for comment.

An NBC News producer was fired over the weekend for editing the audio from George Zimmerman's 911 call made before he shot and killed Trayvon Martin, leading to a possible police cover-up of the incident. And so ends the only punishment for anyone involved.

In GOP primary news, Republican superdelegates are saying that, thanks to their support for Romney, that the race is now effectively over. Good. This whole campaign was getting dangerously close to giving voters a voice.

In China, a teenage boy reportedly sold his kidney to raise money for, among other things, an iPhone. Boy, is he going to be pissed when the iPhone 5 comes out. Well, half-pissed, anyway.

And finally, Rob Schneider, comedian and star of the new series Rob, said recently that after decades in show business, he is still "just getting started," which sounds like a threat to me.

And that's it! See you tomorrow!

Friday Morning Podcast - April 6, 2012

In this week's podcast, I spend some quality time with Hoboken comic Chris Cal and the wind.

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 5, 2012

Hip, hip, hooray for Thursday, everyone! Two nights ago, I roasted vegetables for for the first time. Beets, cauliflower and brussel sprouts. More than anything else so far, that made me feel like an adult. To counteract it, I'm eating nothing but Pop Rocks and Froot Loops for the rest of the week. Take that, maturity! Speaking of immature...

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed a law banning medical marijuana on college campuses, because that's a bigger threat than concealed weapons. And in her defense, hacky-sack and drum circles can get pretty dangerous.

Speaking of dangerous, former Chicago police officer and off-duty railroad detective Howard Morgan is facing 80 years in prison for the attempted murder of four police officers who shot him 28 times during a routine traffic stop. Yeah, you read that right. He got shot 28 times, and is somehow facing charges for attempted murder. Either he's the world's most incompetent murderer, or he's black. Oh, he is black? Right...

Paramount just reached a deal with Youtube to add 500 feature films to the online video site's rental program. And FYI, you will get charged an extra dollar if you forget to hit "Refresh" when you're done viewing. In a related story, the rest of Paramount's films are still available for pirating.

In other film news, Thailand banned a film adaptation of Macbeth recently, on the grounds that it could cause political disunity and that it didn't include enough underage prostitution. "Thailand: The Kingdom of Sane Priorities."


In Russia, an office supply company started selling notebooks with Josef Stalin's picture on the front. Glad to see Stalin's finally made it to the free market!

Two pandas at the Edinbugh Zoo have been put together again to try to mate, after five unsuccessful attempts by zookeepers. Probably the male panda just needs a new wingman.

ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES:

• Looks like pandas get headaches too!
• Maybe she should try hitting on his best panda friend.
• Does Frederick's of Hollywood have a bamboo line?
• Have they tried getting the pandas drunk? It is Scotland, after all.

Yahoo! announced yesterday that they will be cutting 2,000 jobs. Or, as they call it, "clearing out the inbox."

And finally, the FDA confiscated another huge shipment of counterfeit drugs. This time, it was fake Avastin, the popular cancer treatment. Patients grew suspicious when they saw the pill bottles:

That's it! Hope you have a great day, my friends!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 4, 2012

G'day, mates. Get your funny faces on and let's have some jokes.

Former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin hosted the Today Show yesterday. Or rather, she hosted it till about the midway point and then quit.

She also said recently, regarding the upcoming presidential election, that America needs "anyone but Obama in the White House." Interestingly enough, that was to be her campaign slogan if she ran.

A new museum devoted to the Titanic just opened in Southampton, England. It was immediately hit by an iceberg and destroyed. There were no survivors.

Last week the Syrian government agreed to what they called an "April 10 ceasefire, wink." The "wink" was written into the agreement. Not sure what that means, but it can't be good.

Educators are now using Twitter in Kindergarten classrooms to teach kids to think succinctly, and to teach them as early as possible that people are horrible. Also, they gave us the #boogers hashtag.

Did you know that Facebook's board of directors has no women? It's too bad they couldn't come up with some way to meet women, perhaps online.

In a new advertisement for the next James Bond film, star Daniel Craig is seen drinking a Heineken beer, instead of his trademark martini. That might explain why the new film is called License to be a Douchebag.

ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES!

• Dr. Douchebag
• Douchefinger
• From Russia with a Douche
• Never Say Douchebag Again
• The Man With the Golden Douche
• View to a Douchebag

And finally, the Chinese government allowed two of the country's most popular microblogging websites to resume operation after being shut down this weekend. The government closed the websites to remove posts about an alleged coup in the central government, as well as reports of Paul McCartney's death.

So endeth the lesson. I mean blog. More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 3, 2012

Oh, Spring. Thanks for the puffy eyes and mucus. It's like a horror movie out there. I had to take a Benadryl last week. Wow. They really should list on the side effects: increased likelihood of telling coworkers exactly what you think of them. Very dangerous. Okay, let's joke it up, y'all.

Chinese technology manufacturing firm Foxcon announced today that thanks to international human rights pressures, they'll be cutting hours and raising salaries for factory workers. You know, if their prices keep going up, they may have to find cheaper labor somewhere else. Like maybe Detroit?

Human media-empire Tyler Perry said yesterday that racial profiling is alive and well among law enforcement agencies. Case in point, the FBI is convinced that every African American person in the U.S. loves Tyler Perry movies.

In India, a couple rejected their newborn baby girl because they were first accidentally handed a baby boy. They're now suing for custody of the boy, proving that no matter where you go in the world, you're bound to find shitty people.

The U.S. Supreme Court upheld laws allowing for strip-searches for even minor offenses, including indecent exposure and public nudity.

British doctors are warning of an increased risk of flu transmission during the summer Olympics, due to the influx of people and viruses from all over the world. As a precaution, organizers are cancelling the 400 Meter Phlegm Relay.

Burmese democratic leader Aung San Suu Kyii announced her new plans for Burma, which is bad news for the police baton industry.

In the UK, citizens are angry over a proposed government electronic spying program, demanding that if their private data is going to be violated like that, they should at least get to play Angry Birds.

And finally, Sarah Palin will be hosting the Today Show this week, leading to the strange realization that for several hours, Kathie Lee will inadvertently be taken seriously.

Okay. Go forth and tell your friends! See you tomorrow, everyone.

Monday Morning Monologue - April 2, 2012

Howdy, howdy! Let's have some happy stuff this morning. Or whenever. It's Monday, let's all deal with it.

A recent study found that people who eat fast food regularly are more depressed than the general population. Most depressed: McDonald's customers. Least depressed: McQualudes.

Also, a study of lab rats found that coffee actually makes industrious rats more lazy. So now we know how to make rats lazy. Great work, science.

This weekend, Ann Coulter said that Newt Gingrich can't run for President having had two extra-marital affairs, to which Gingrich replied "are you coming on to me?"

Democratic activist Aung San Suu Kyii won a historic victory in the Burmese election yesterday. Wait a minute. On April 1st... oh, you got us again, Military Junta!

NBA Knicks "star" Jeremy Lin is out for the rest of the season with a serious Linjury. Yeah, okay.

In Berlin, an artist has built a giant junk robot that knows how to play two songs on the bass guitar, which is twice as many as most bass players.

Psychiatrists have found that taking your dog to work actually cuts down on your job stress. Although, if you're working somewhere that you can bring your dog to work, it's probably not a stressful environment to begin with, so maybe you should just shut up and quit whining, you crybaby.

And finally, Rick Santorum said he would "without a doubt drop out of the race if Mitt Romney had 1,144 delegates." Other reasons why he would drop out...

• If God told him. You know, in his serious voice.
• If billionaires quit giving him money.
• If K-Mart would pick up his new line of sweater vests for the summer.
• If he came to his senses.

Okay, that's where we'll leave this for now. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!