Happy New Years Eve Eve! Is that right? What day is it? I want to try something new this week. Instead of searching through various news websites, I'm going to post my favorite tweets of the past two weeks. If you are on Twitter and enjoy humor, sometimes crude, follow me @SpencerLenox.
Ever see a group a Christians make the last person to put their thumb on the table say the prayer? I'm sure Jesus appreciates that.
The calming pastel pics of nature on my desk calendar are the only reason I don't stick a letter opener in my nose and slam my face into my desk.
Hey Anne Geddes, what if you put the plants IN the babies!?! You're welcome in advance.
Wonder how many things Anne Geddes shoved into produce before she stumbled upon children.
Christmas is a time when people can celebrate the season by buying the Apple product of their choice.
Since I was raised Southern Baptist, I know when something is obscene by my erection.
I'm using my vacation to see the Deftones. I call it my Def-a-cation trip! ...wait. I need to fine a better name....
Historian have little information about the number of Indians that laughed while watching the civil war take place.
In my study of girl fights, long hair seems to be a disadvantage.
Street tacos are just unemployed Indian tacos.
Well, that was quick and painless! I hope you enjoyed my Twitter recap. I'm sorry I'm lazy this week. I'll try harder next week. Until then, I love you all. And come back often to see the writings of the hilarious Seth Joseph!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - December 29, 2011
Happy Thursday, y'all! This will be my last post of 2011, and I want to thank all 15 of you for reading this thing all year. I thought about just re-posting my favorite jokes, but that would mean re-reading all those posts, and who has time for that? So, here's my last eight jokes for the year.
The ghost of Christopher Hitchens briefly appeared last week to paranormal investigators before successfully arguing against its own existence and disappearing.
In North Korea, mourners crowded into the streets, wailing in grief as Kim Jong-il's body crossed the country. Apparently the mourners were so grief-stricken because they'd been told he was being buried with the last of their food.
According to an Associated Press survey of economists, most find President Obama's economic policies to be "fair to poor," not to be confused with being "fair to the poor."
This winter, gale force winds are battering Scotland, which is terrible news for the kilt industry. But great news for the chapped-ass moisturizer industry.
Los Angeles voters will be voting on an ordinance to force porn actors to wear condoms on set. Turnout is expected to be low, however, as no one really feels much on the issue.
According to Forbes, Plano, Texas, is the safest city in America largely because Plano is too boring for criminals.
Microsoft announced that its Windows Mobile operating system now has over 50,000 applications, although the number is actually much higher if you count viruses.
And finally, in a new ad, Newt Gingrich said that he has a plan to "create millions of jobs, right now." Yes, he's willing to buy that much new jewelry.
And that's the end of me for the year. Come back tomorrow for Spencer. Until next time, have a great 2011!
The ghost of Christopher Hitchens briefly appeared last week to paranormal investigators before successfully arguing against its own existence and disappearing.
In North Korea, mourners crowded into the streets, wailing in grief as Kim Jong-il's body crossed the country. Apparently the mourners were so grief-stricken because they'd been told he was being buried with the last of their food.
According to an Associated Press survey of economists, most find President Obama's economic policies to be "fair to poor," not to be confused with being "fair to the poor."
This winter, gale force winds are battering Scotland, which is terrible news for the kilt industry. But great news for the chapped-ass moisturizer industry.
Los Angeles voters will be voting on an ordinance to force porn actors to wear condoms on set. Turnout is expected to be low, however, as no one really feels much on the issue.
According to Forbes, Plano, Texas, is the safest city in America largely because Plano is too boring for criminals.
Microsoft announced that its Windows Mobile operating system now has over 50,000 applications, although the number is actually much higher if you count viruses.
And finally, in a new ad, Newt Gingrich said that he has a plan to "create millions of jobs, right now." Yes, he's willing to buy that much new jewelry.
And that's the end of me for the year. Come back tomorrow for Spencer. Until next time, have a great 2011!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 28, 2011
Greetings, fair travelers. Prithee, halt thine surfing of yonder webbe and partake in the repast of joviality collected herein to amuse and delight the humours of the minde! Oh, man, that's awful. Can you just pretend you read a nice introductory paragraph? I'll do better tomorrow. By Zeus' gleaming taile, I fhalle!
Sinead O'Connor just got divorced for the fourth time, after only 18 days of marriage. Let's see... pop star, bald-headed, lots of divorces. It's official. Britney Spears is America's Sinead O'Connor.
In other entertainment news, this year's Oscar ballots went out in the mail yesterday! And who says the Academy is out of touch?
Speaking of out of touch, Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson announced he will not seek reelection next year. In the last three years he's been able to torpedo unemployment aid, foreclosure and finance reforms as well as the public healthcare option. Said the Senator, "there's really nothing else for me to do for America, unless we can start bringing poor people into the Senate Chambers so I can physically kick them in the stomachs. No? That's not happening? Oh, that's too bad." He then sat down on a sick puppy and killed it.
A burglar in Pittsburgh was arrested recently after he posted pictures of his loot on Facebook. Police found the photos in his album, "I'm a Dumbass."
President Obama's job approval rating is higher than it's been since July, which is a strong indication that America has collectively decided to just get drunk this holiday season.
New Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees set the single-season passing record last night. Tim Tebow still holds the single-season prayer record.
Egypt's courts outlawed the practice of conducting mandatory virginity tests on female detainees on the grounds that IT IS INSANE!
And finally, a Colorado man returned $10,000 he found at a Las Vegas airport to its rightful owner because he wanted to teach his kids about right and wrong. When asked for comment, his daughter said, "yep, that's great. Way better than Disney World."
And that's it. We wille be back anon. Till then, have a great day!
Sinead O'Connor just got divorced for the fourth time, after only 18 days of marriage. Let's see... pop star, bald-headed, lots of divorces. It's official. Britney Spears is America's Sinead O'Connor.
In other entertainment news, this year's Oscar ballots went out in the mail yesterday! And who says the Academy is out of touch?
Speaking of out of touch, Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson announced he will not seek reelection next year. In the last three years he's been able to torpedo unemployment aid, foreclosure and finance reforms as well as the public healthcare option. Said the Senator, "there's really nothing else for me to do for America, unless we can start bringing poor people into the Senate Chambers so I can physically kick them in the stomachs. No? That's not happening? Oh, that's too bad." He then sat down on a sick puppy and killed it.
A burglar in Pittsburgh was arrested recently after he posted pictures of his loot on Facebook. Police found the photos in his album, "I'm a Dumbass."
President Obama's job approval rating is higher than it's been since July, which is a strong indication that America has collectively decided to just get drunk this holiday season.
New Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees set the single-season passing record last night. Tim Tebow still holds the single-season prayer record.
Egypt's courts outlawed the practice of conducting mandatory virginity tests on female detainees on the grounds that IT IS INSANE!
And finally, a Colorado man returned $10,000 he found at a Las Vegas airport to its rightful owner because he wanted to teach his kids about right and wrong. When asked for comment, his daughter said, "yep, that's great. Way better than Disney World."
And that's it. We wille be back anon. Till then, have a great day!
Monday, December 26, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 27, 2011
Are you back at work, yet? Sucks for you, buddy. Here's some jokes to lighten the load.
BEGIN!
Recently unearthed court documents from Newt Gingrich's 1980 divorce contradict his version of the divorce. According to the papers, it was Newt, not his wife, who petitioned for the divorce, and she did not, as he maintains, cite "his freakishly huge penis" as a reason for the split. I mean divorce.
In music news, David Lee Roth is rejoining Van Halen for a new tour and breakup.
Lindsay Lohan's father Michael said this weekend that he approves of his daughter's appearance in Playboy, and called it a smart move. When asked for comment, Lindsay replied "I gotta make some changes."
An heir to the Walmart family just opened the brand new Crystal Bridges art museum in Arkansas. They are still hiring old people to greet visitors. And then not paying them.
South Korea's former first lady, Lee Hee-ho, met with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un this weekend. At first it was awkward between them, but then they discovered they actually have a lot in common. For instance, neither one of them is in control of North Korea's army.
Yoko Ono is making a new art installation for Indian women meant to address the problems facing modern Indian women. Like how even today, most Indian women are still forced to go through life without ever breaking up a pop supergroup.
In China, scientists tested a new 300-mph train. The test was successful, but they're still trying to figure out how to make it belch out more coal smoke.
And finally, Netflix's board of directors voted to cut CEO Reed Hastings' stock options in half. Hastings seemed unfazed, however, remarking, "yeah, that's okay. That shit is worthless anyway."
END! And banter, banter, banter. Come back tomorrow, have a great day!
BEGIN!
Recently unearthed court documents from Newt Gingrich's 1980 divorce contradict his version of the divorce. According to the papers, it was Newt, not his wife, who petitioned for the divorce, and she did not, as he maintains, cite "his freakishly huge penis" as a reason for the split. I mean divorce.
In music news, David Lee Roth is rejoining Van Halen for a new tour and breakup.
Lindsay Lohan's father Michael said this weekend that he approves of his daughter's appearance in Playboy, and called it a smart move. When asked for comment, Lindsay replied "I gotta make some changes."
An heir to the Walmart family just opened the brand new Crystal Bridges art museum in Arkansas. They are still hiring old people to greet visitors. And then not paying them.
South Korea's former first lady, Lee Hee-ho, met with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un this weekend. At first it was awkward between them, but then they discovered they actually have a lot in common. For instance, neither one of them is in control of North Korea's army.
Yoko Ono is making a new art installation for Indian women meant to address the problems facing modern Indian women. Like how even today, most Indian women are still forced to go through life without ever breaking up a pop supergroup.
In China, scientists tested a new 300-mph train. The test was successful, but they're still trying to figure out how to make it belch out more coal smoke.
And finally, Netflix's board of directors voted to cut CEO Reed Hastings' stock options in half. Hastings seemed unfazed, however, remarking, "yeah, that's okay. That shit is worthless anyway."
END! And banter, banter, banter. Come back tomorrow, have a great day!
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - December 26, 2011
Happy Monday! It's the last one of the year. That doesn't really mean anything, I guess. Oh well. Hopefully you're not working today, or if you are you're getting paid extra. And if you are working, I hope you're not working very hard or very well. Unless you're a cop or a doctor or working in Chinese restaurant, in which case you should know how much your country depends upon you. Okay. SEGUE TO JOKES!
Newt Gingrich is losing ground in Iowa ahead of the all-important Iowa caucus next month, with many voters saying that Gingrich is too arrogant for their taste. When asked by reporters for comment, Gingrich responded that this was an expected setback, due to the inherent stupidity of Iowa voters. He then tried to sell them all a copy of his book.
In other election news, the state of Texas has been paying for Gov. Perry's security detail during his presidential campaign. Texas voters are upset at the cost, but any sacrifice is worth it if gets him the hell out of Texas.
A recently published medical study argues that Ludwig Beethoven's hearing loss changed how he wrote music later in his life. The study was released in last month's edition of No Shit magazine.
Congratulations to Jordan Romero, who is now the youngest person in history to climb the highest mountains on all seven continents. Too bad everything is downhill from here. Literally and metaphorically.
In an attempt to close budget shortfalls, the Italian government is trying to increase the social stigma tied to tax evasion. Good luck, Italy. Your last Prime Minister is on trial for allegedly banging an underage hooker while in office, and he's almost beaten it. But I'm sure the tax dodger is really going to be the social pariah this year.
Speaking of pariah's, Donald Trump left the GOP this weekend. But don't worry, he's already found a younger, prettier political party to have sex with.
In China, a wealthy couple came under fire this month for having eight children, which is way more than one, which is the number Chinese couples are supposed to stop at. In their defense, though, many of the couple's children are girls, which don't count.
And finally, in a pre-Christmas miracle this weekend, a 21-year old college student in Arizona came out of a coma moments before doctors were scheduled to begin removing his organs for donation to other patients. Look for the video on an upcoming episode of Punk'd.
That's all for today. More later. Till then, have a great day!
Newt Gingrich is losing ground in Iowa ahead of the all-important Iowa caucus next month, with many voters saying that Gingrich is too arrogant for their taste. When asked by reporters for comment, Gingrich responded that this was an expected setback, due to the inherent stupidity of Iowa voters. He then tried to sell them all a copy of his book.
In other election news, the state of Texas has been paying for Gov. Perry's security detail during his presidential campaign. Texas voters are upset at the cost, but any sacrifice is worth it if gets him the hell out of Texas.
A recently published medical study argues that Ludwig Beethoven's hearing loss changed how he wrote music later in his life. The study was released in last month's edition of No Shit magazine.
Congratulations to Jordan Romero, who is now the youngest person in history to climb the highest mountains on all seven continents. Too bad everything is downhill from here. Literally and metaphorically.
In an attempt to close budget shortfalls, the Italian government is trying to increase the social stigma tied to tax evasion. Good luck, Italy. Your last Prime Minister is on trial for allegedly banging an underage hooker while in office, and he's almost beaten it. But I'm sure the tax dodger is really going to be the social pariah this year.
Speaking of pariah's, Donald Trump left the GOP this weekend. But don't worry, he's already found a younger, prettier political party to have sex with.
In China, a wealthy couple came under fire this month for having eight children, which is way more than one, which is the number Chinese couples are supposed to stop at. In their defense, though, many of the couple's children are girls, which don't count.
And finally, in a pre-Christmas miracle this weekend, a 21-year old college student in Arizona came out of a coma moments before doctors were scheduled to begin removing his organs for donation to other patients. Look for the video on an upcoming episode of Punk'd.
That's all for today. More later. Till then, have a great day!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - December 22, 2011
It's Thursday! Crack open the bubbly and celebrate! Start with some jokes, why don't you?
You've seen the video of the FedEx driver throwing a computer monitor over a fence, right? Pretty bad stuff. But still not nearly as bad as the videos from his previous job as a neonatal nurse.
Celebrated bastard Pat Robertson said earlier this week that gay people should simply "un-acquire" their sexuality. You know, like how he un-acquired his sense of human empathy and understanding?
In New Mexico, a woman trapped in her car during a snowstorm gave birth to a healthy baby! She then immediately pulled over to the carpool lane.
Kim Kardashian said in an interview that "mistakes shape our lives," adding "and I've made a lot of mistakes related to my ass."
Remember how Britney Spears got married for 55 hours one time? (that we know of) Well, her "husband" is back in the news, claiming that her current engagement is "fake." He said it's a financial arrangement, and "as fake as every orgasm she had with me." That's pretty fake.
Chinese hackers broke into the U.S. Chamber of Commerce yesterday, apparently forgetting that they could just as easily buy their way in.
The leader of the Scottish group VisitScotland.com said that the new Pixar film about Scotland "could boost" the country's image and spirits. He then added, "does anyone have any heroin?"
And finally, North Korea's new leader Kim Jong-Un will be sharing power with the country's military leadership in a plan designed to keep himself from being assassinated. So good news, North Korea! Don't think of it as losing one tyrannical autocrat so much as you're gaining dozens of tyrannical autocrats. Watch how love expands and grows.
But that's as much expanding and growing as we're going to do today. Come back tomorrow. Maybe Spencer has a growth you can check out. Till then, have a great day!
You've seen the video of the FedEx driver throwing a computer monitor over a fence, right? Pretty bad stuff. But still not nearly as bad as the videos from his previous job as a neonatal nurse.
Celebrated bastard Pat Robertson said earlier this week that gay people should simply "un-acquire" their sexuality. You know, like how he un-acquired his sense of human empathy and understanding?
In New Mexico, a woman trapped in her car during a snowstorm gave birth to a healthy baby! She then immediately pulled over to the carpool lane.
Kim Kardashian said in an interview that "mistakes shape our lives," adding "and I've made a lot of mistakes related to my ass."
Remember how Britney Spears got married for 55 hours one time? (that we know of) Well, her "husband" is back in the news, claiming that her current engagement is "fake." He said it's a financial arrangement, and "as fake as every orgasm she had with me." That's pretty fake.
Chinese hackers broke into the U.S. Chamber of Commerce yesterday, apparently forgetting that they could just as easily buy their way in.
The leader of the Scottish group VisitScotland.com said that the new Pixar film about Scotland "could boost" the country's image and spirits. He then added, "does anyone have any heroin?"
And finally, North Korea's new leader Kim Jong-Un will be sharing power with the country's military leadership in a plan designed to keep himself from being assassinated. So good news, North Korea! Don't think of it as losing one tyrannical autocrat so much as you're gaining dozens of tyrannical autocrats. Watch how love expands and grows.
But that's as much expanding and growing as we're going to do today. Come back tomorrow. Maybe Spencer has a growth you can check out. Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 21, 2011
Welcome, welcome! I hope you're all having a great day. It's been cold in New York, so I decided to buy some long johns from Uniqlo. I bought black ones, from their Heattech line, and it didn't occur to me until I got home that I've basically bought a pair of black tights. And I really don't have the ass for that.
Scientists found that 92% of public diaper changing tables in the UK have cocaine on them. In a related story, 92% of British babies FEEL TOTALLY INCREDIBLE RIGHT NOW! WHOOOO! COME ON, LET'S DO THAT BARNEY DANCE!
The Kepler space telescope discovered two earth-sized planets in another solar system yesterday. So now the Earth will finally have someone to borrow clothes from.
In television news, Whoopi Goldberg denied farting during an interview with Claire Danes on The View. She did not fart. No, she full-on shit herself. Ruined a new pair of tights, too. HEY-OH!
American Idol runner-up David Archuleta will spend the next two years as a Mormon proselytizer. Congratulations, David. You've found a way to be more annoying.
French lawmakers plan to criminalize the denial of the 1915-1916 Turkish genocide of Armenians. John Galliano is already setting up his legal defense fund.
Scientists suspect they will uncover a "new metal" at the Earth's core, forged by the intense heat and pressure at the center of the planet. I just hope this "new metal" isn't Papa Roach. Those guys suck.
A man in New York will spend a year in federal prison for leaking a copy of X-Men Origins: Wolverine on the Internet a month before the film came out. It's a good start, but there are still many, many people out there who were responsible for making and distributing the film, and we shouldn't rest until they are all behind bars.
And finally, the Denver Broncos have declined to make a video for the "It Gets Better" campaign. Initially, the Indianapolis Colts offered to join the campaign, but organizers decided no one would believe the Colts could ever get better.
Cease joking... NOW! Serious time now, everyone. Unless someone farts.
See you tomorrow!
Scientists found that 92% of public diaper changing tables in the UK have cocaine on them. In a related story, 92% of British babies FEEL TOTALLY INCREDIBLE RIGHT NOW! WHOOOO! COME ON, LET'S DO THAT BARNEY DANCE!
The Kepler space telescope discovered two earth-sized planets in another solar system yesterday. So now the Earth will finally have someone to borrow clothes from.
In television news, Whoopi Goldberg denied farting during an interview with Claire Danes on The View. She did not fart. No, she full-on shit herself. Ruined a new pair of tights, too. HEY-OH!
American Idol runner-up David Archuleta will spend the next two years as a Mormon proselytizer. Congratulations, David. You've found a way to be more annoying.
French lawmakers plan to criminalize the denial of the 1915-1916 Turkish genocide of Armenians. John Galliano is already setting up his legal defense fund.
Scientists suspect they will uncover a "new metal" at the Earth's core, forged by the intense heat and pressure at the center of the planet. I just hope this "new metal" isn't Papa Roach. Those guys suck.
A man in New York will spend a year in federal prison for leaking a copy of X-Men Origins: Wolverine on the Internet a month before the film came out. It's a good start, but there are still many, many people out there who were responsible for making and distributing the film, and we shouldn't rest until they are all behind bars.
And finally, the Denver Broncos have declined to make a video for the "It Gets Better" campaign. Initially, the Indianapolis Colts offered to join the campaign, but organizers decided no one would believe the Colts could ever get better.
Cease joking... NOW! Serious time now, everyone. Unless someone farts.
See you tomorrow!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)