Can I interest you in some Thursday? How about a series of jokes? COMMENCE FRIVOLITY!
So, a judge in California just garnished Charlie Sheen's wages for child support. How much? Only $55,000 per month. Guess therapy can get pretty expensive, huh?
Last week, a man pretended to be a soldier returning from overseas so that he could get a free upgrade to first class on an American Airlines flight. After discovering the ruse, the airline offered him another free first class fight to Kabul. One way, of course.
The Pope started tweeting this week, and frankly I'm amazed at how much the Vatican apparently wants me to have an iPadd for fereee no cost clik here!!!! Also, he's retweeting a lot from @TheRealJC (Verified).
This week Newsweek ran a front page story on what Lady Diana would be like if she were still alive at age 50. I don't know what she'd be up to, but I think I might have figured out why people aren't reading Newsweek anymore. Way to go, Tina Brown.
In financial news, Bank of America is close to issuing a settlement to its investors for $8.5 billion. That would be a hell of a Community Chest card. Maybe it will be in the new "Colossal F*ck-Up" edition of Monolopy™ coming out this year. Just in time for the second recession!
Liz Taylor's jewelry has gone out on tour in preparation for sale at auction. Well, it looks like Michael Jackson really is dead, or else this would have smoked him out.
A recent poll found that Republican voters are unhappy with their choices in the Presidential primary. How shocking that Republican voters are unhappy. They're usually such a mellow, Zen-like group of folks.
And finally, Google is in beta testing for a new social network meant to "out-Facebook" Facebook. A spokesman for the company explained the new venture, saying, "we're way better at selling your personal data. Always have been, always will be. Now, who wants video chat?!"
That's it for me for the week! I've done better, certainly, but it's free, so... anyway, come back tomorrow for Spencer Hicks! And have a great day!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 29, 2011
Alright, team. Stay focused. We're doing great. By the way, have you voted yet for your favorite contestant on The Voice? I really hope that Cee-Lo's mohawk wins it all. Anyway, let's have some intentional jokes now...
Speaking of creepy musicians, Michael Jackson's Thriller jacket sold for $1.8 million. So, a rich weirdo bought a dead guy's clothes? I think Michael would be happy with that. Oh, and also, the jacket will be sent on tour to raise money for children's charities. There's probably a joke about still touching children's lives from beyond the grave, but I'm not about to make it.
On the Internet, MasterCard's website went down today, but representatives from the company were quick to point out that it wasn't due to hacking. Nope, this was just good old fashioned incompetence. Feel better?
A study published last month found that crows could recognize human faces and held grudges against humans for years, even going so far as to warn other crows about dangerous people. Pretty smart, huh? Too bad they couldn't divert some of that brain power to controlling when and where they shit.
Speaking of angry birds, Barnes and Noble just partnered with Rovio, makers of the "Angry Birds" game, to make special content available to gamers who visit Barnes and Noble stores. Because there's nothing that gamers love more than going places.
In international news, this week Iran showed off a new top-secret line of ballistic missiles and secret missile silos. Apparently the Farsi word for "secrecy" means something different than the English version.
Back to the Internet now, and news that Twitter co-founder Biz Stone is stepping away from day-to-day operations of the micro-blogging website. But he's not retired yet. No, he's already busy sending out hundreds of 140-character resumes. #ProbablyDoingJustFine
Back to the Internet for drugs now, with word coming from New York that the man behind the new narcotics called "bath salts" was finally arrested. Now that he's off the streets, there's gonna be a sad bunch of fiends hanging out at Bed Bath and Beyond. Maybe they could just start drinking booze, like real Americans.
And lastly, in political news, rock star Tom Petty sent a cease-and-desist order to Congresswoman Michele Bachmann's campaign demanding that she stop using his song "American Girl" in her videos and public events. He said she's welcome to some of his other songs:
Speaking of creepy musicians, Michael Jackson's Thriller jacket sold for $1.8 million. So, a rich weirdo bought a dead guy's clothes? I think Michael would be happy with that. Oh, and also, the jacket will be sent on tour to raise money for children's charities. There's probably a joke about still touching children's lives from beyond the grave, but I'm not about to make it.
On the Internet, MasterCard's website went down today, but representatives from the company were quick to point out that it wasn't due to hacking. Nope, this was just good old fashioned incompetence. Feel better?
A study published last month found that crows could recognize human faces and held grudges against humans for years, even going so far as to warn other crows about dangerous people. Pretty smart, huh? Too bad they couldn't divert some of that brain power to controlling when and where they shit.
Speaking of angry birds, Barnes and Noble just partnered with Rovio, makers of the "Angry Birds" game, to make special content available to gamers who visit Barnes and Noble stores. Because there's nothing that gamers love more than going places.
In international news, this week Iran showed off a new top-secret line of ballistic missiles and secret missile silos. Apparently the Farsi word for "secrecy" means something different than the English version.
Back to the Internet now, and news that Twitter co-founder Biz Stone is stepping away from day-to-day operations of the micro-blogging website. But he's not retired yet. No, he's already busy sending out hundreds of 140-character resumes. #ProbablyDoingJustFine
Back to the Internet for drugs now, with word coming from New York that the man behind the new narcotics called "bath salts" was finally arrested. Now that he's off the streets, there's gonna be a sad bunch of fiends hanging out at Bed Bath and Beyond. Maybe they could just start drinking booze, like real Americans.
And lastly, in political news, rock star Tom Petty sent a cease-and-desist order to Congresswoman Michele Bachmann's campaign demanding that she stop using his song "American Girl" in her videos and public events. He said she's welcome to some of his other songs:
- "Fooled Again"
- "No Second Thoughts"
- "You Can Still Change Your Mind"
- "A Wasted Life"
- "The Damage You've Done"
- "All The Wrong Reasons"
- "Makin' Some Noise"
- "Zero from Outer Space"
- "Asshole"
- "Won't Last Long"
- "No More"
- "Money Become King"
- "When a Kid Goes Bad"
- "Yer So Bad"
- and of course, "Don't Come Around Here No More"
That's all for today! Come back tomorrow, unless you're too busy running down a dream.
Have a great day!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 28, 2011
Is it just me, or does something smell like Tuesday in here?
Coinciding with last night's episode of ABC's The Bachelorette, fans unveiled a new drinking game. Every time the Bachelorette says "Bentley" or "closure," you do a shot. Did I mention the point of the game is to get acute alcohol poisoning? Didn't get that joke? That's okay, it just means you're a single guy.
Speaking of bad television, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was found guilty on 17 out of 20 charges against him this week, meaning he will likely do some serious jail time. Look for him to feature on NBC's new Convict Apprentice.
Speaking of bad television, an amateur videographer captured shot of a shark leaping over a surfer recently. So, apparently sharks are capable of irony. In a related story: a surfer just shit his pants on video.
Speaking of bad television, FOX News host Chris Wallace came under fire this week for asking Congresswoman Michele Bachmann if she was a "flake." He apologized and said he meant to ask her if she was "a fake, because no one can be that sincerely stupid. Come on, this a put on, right? Like professional wrestling? Please, dear God, someone tell me she's not for real."
Speaking of bad television, the aforementioned Congresswoman Michele Bachmann kicked off her Presidential campaign in Waterloo, Iowa, by identifying herself with the spirit of former Waterloo resident and serial killer John Wayne Gacey. Look it up. I can't possibly explain it here. When asked if she meant to reference John Wayne, the celebrated film star who lived elsewhere in Iowa, Rep. Bachman said "as always, I stand by my words, no matter how insane and ill-informed they may be. I'm not going to flip-flop on that now."
Speaking of bad television, the Los Angeles Dodgers entered into bankruptcy protection yesterday. However, manager Don Mattingly said that the financial troubles won't affect the team at all, going on to pledge "to continue to suck for the rest of the season just as hard, if not harder, than we have so far."
In international news, the International Criminal Court issued an arrest warrant for Colonel Gaddhafi of Libya. So now he's got that headache to deal with, AND he just lost all his best footballers! Sometimes it seems almost like it's not worth it being a dictator at all. At least he's not a Dodger's fan.
And lastly, speaking of bad television, CBS announced that Survivor host Jeff Probst will be hosting his own daytime talkshow starting in 2012. After years of watching people eat cockroaches and betray each other, seems like Probst is uniquely suited for this job.
That's it! Let's keep that energy up till tomorrow! Oh, and Anita Bryant can suck it!
Have a great day!
Coinciding with last night's episode of ABC's The Bachelorette, fans unveiled a new drinking game. Every time the Bachelorette says "Bentley" or "closure," you do a shot. Did I mention the point of the game is to get acute alcohol poisoning? Didn't get that joke? That's okay, it just means you're a single guy.
Speaking of bad television, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was found guilty on 17 out of 20 charges against him this week, meaning he will likely do some serious jail time. Look for him to feature on NBC's new Convict Apprentice.
Speaking of bad television, an amateur videographer captured shot of a shark leaping over a surfer recently. So, apparently sharks are capable of irony. In a related story: a surfer just shit his pants on video.
Speaking of bad television, FOX News host Chris Wallace came under fire this week for asking Congresswoman Michele Bachmann if she was a "flake." He apologized and said he meant to ask her if she was "a fake, because no one can be that sincerely stupid. Come on, this a put on, right? Like professional wrestling? Please, dear God, someone tell me she's not for real."
Speaking of bad television, the aforementioned Congresswoman Michele Bachmann kicked off her Presidential campaign in Waterloo, Iowa, by identifying herself with the spirit of former Waterloo resident and serial killer John Wayne Gacey. Look it up. I can't possibly explain it here. When asked if she meant to reference John Wayne, the celebrated film star who lived elsewhere in Iowa, Rep. Bachman said "as always, I stand by my words, no matter how insane and ill-informed they may be. I'm not going to flip-flop on that now."
Speaking of bad television, the Los Angeles Dodgers entered into bankruptcy protection yesterday. However, manager Don Mattingly said that the financial troubles won't affect the team at all, going on to pledge "to continue to suck for the rest of the season just as hard, if not harder, than we have so far."
In international news, the International Criminal Court issued an arrest warrant for Colonel Gaddhafi of Libya. So now he's got that headache to deal with, AND he just lost all his best footballers! Sometimes it seems almost like it's not worth it being a dictator at all. At least he's not a Dodger's fan.
And lastly, speaking of bad television, CBS announced that Survivor host Jeff Probst will be hosting his own daytime talkshow starting in 2012. After years of watching people eat cockroaches and betray each other, seems like Probst is uniquely suited for this job.
That's it! Let's keep that energy up till tomorrow! Oh, and Anita Bryant can suck it!
Have a great day!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - June 27, 2011
Happy ___day, happy ___day! Just don't use the first three letters, and it'll be a lot happier. Also, these jokes might help.
Joke Number One! The hacker group LulzSec is disbanding after a series of high profile attacks on government and industrial websites. Early reports indicate that one of them started dating Yoko Ono. Did you like how the joke about hackers was itself "hack?" Did anyone...? Oh, this is gonna be a long day.
Speaking of hackers, a 19 year old suspected of hacking into a British police agency "has Asperger's syndrome," according to authorities. So, wait. Is this an inspirational story? I'm confused.
For the third joke, we bring it back to America, where a couple who participated on the television show The Marriage Ref are filing for divorce. The couple blames the show's creator, Jerry Seinfeld, which is ridiculous, because he only breaks up a marriage when he wants to bang one of them.
Also in America, a rare photograph of Billy the Kid sold for $2.3 million. Why so high? Someone started a rumor you could see his junk. DAMN! America loves a junk shot!
Speaking of junk, Florence Henderson revealed recently that she got crabs in the 1970s after a one-night-stand with the Mayor of New York. That sound you just heard was your childhood throwing up.
In sporting news, the Women's World Cup of Football (soccer) got underway in Europe this weekend, giving American sports fans three separate reasons to not give a shit about it. Keep it up, America! This totally isn't getting old!
In other football news, players from Libya have started defecting to escape the violence of the civil war. After all, if they wanted that kind of chaos and danger, they could just go play with Zlatan Ibrahimović! HA! Take that, Zlatan! Wait, did you not get that one? Oh, just Google him.
Anyway, that's the end of today's funny business. Come back again sometime, huh? Maybe in a day? If you like, you can always tell your friends about all this hilarity. And don't forget to stay hydrated this summer. You'll feel a lot better!
Have a great day!
Joke Number One! The hacker group LulzSec is disbanding after a series of high profile attacks on government and industrial websites. Early reports indicate that one of them started dating Yoko Ono. Did you like how the joke about hackers was itself "hack?" Did anyone...? Oh, this is gonna be a long day.
Speaking of hackers, a 19 year old suspected of hacking into a British police agency "has Asperger's syndrome," according to authorities. So, wait. Is this an inspirational story? I'm confused.
For the third joke, we bring it back to America, where a couple who participated on the television show The Marriage Ref are filing for divorce. The couple blames the show's creator, Jerry Seinfeld, which is ridiculous, because he only breaks up a marriage when he wants to bang one of them.
Also in America, a rare photograph of Billy the Kid sold for $2.3 million. Why so high? Someone started a rumor you could see his junk. DAMN! America loves a junk shot!
Speaking of junk, Florence Henderson revealed recently that she got crabs in the 1970s after a one-night-stand with the Mayor of New York. That sound you just heard was your childhood throwing up.
Speaking of junk, there was some bad news for former stars of MTV's totally unscripted reality series The Hills. Yeah, this week Lauren Conrad and Kyle Howard split up after three years of tolerating each other. Apparently it took them this long to figure out they weren't on television anymore. No word as to Jerry Seinfeld's possible involvement.
In other football news, players from Libya have started defecting to escape the violence of the civil war. After all, if they wanted that kind of chaos and danger, they could just go play with Zlatan Ibrahimović! HA! Take that, Zlatan! Wait, did you not get that one? Oh, just Google him.
Anyway, that's the end of today's funny business. Come back again sometime, huh? Maybe in a day? If you like, you can always tell your friends about all this hilarity. And don't forget to stay hydrated this summer. You'll feel a lot better!
Have a great day!
Friday, June 24, 2011
Fridays with Spencer: I'm broke...
Hey gang, so... I have ten dollars in my checking account until my next payday. Don't worry though, I've read "The Secret" and I'm sure the Universe is going to be giving me a lot of unexpected money soon. If only everyone read "The Secret"... there would be no poor people.
Anycrap, let's get to the jokes. You don't care about my financial situation.
Speaking of people that don't have to worry about money: Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss, the former business partners and Harvard University classmates of Mark Zuckerberg, have dropped their court appeal of a settlement with the Facebook founder. They are however, still proceeding with the case of who has the worse last name.
According to the BBC, automaker Saab is having trouble paying it's employees and is on the brink of going under. This is baad news for this caarmaaker.
Sgt. Maj. Micheal Barrett, recently selected to be the senior enlisted adviser to the Marine Corps thinks gays should be allowed in the military, saying, “Get over it,” “We’re magnificent, we’re going to continue to be. … Let’s just move on, treat everybody with firmness, fairness, dignity, compassion and respect. Let’s be Marines.” To which the straight soldiers snickered and said, "He said 'firm'".
In health news, both men and women have better odds of surviving colon cancer if they are married, U.S. researchers say. Scientist are still not clear as to which is the bigger pain in the ass.
Monique Lawless, a Texas woman, had nothing personal at stake when she saw three men leaving a Walmart store in Alvin with three cases of beer they didn't pay for. She was a customer, not an employee, of the store. And she chased the men down and jumped on the hood of their car. Great job Monique, why to stick up for the biggest retailer on the planet! Hey Monique, you know that if you worked for Wal-Mart you would never be promoted to management, don't you?
An unnamed former Apple exec said that Apple is getting into the TV business. They are going to "blow Netflix and the other guys away." Their plan is to strip the TV of all it's useful features and raise the price. Should be a huge success.
That's it for me kids. If you happen to see me, give me a dollar.
Hugs
Anycrap, let's get to the jokes. You don't care about my financial situation.
Speaking of people that don't have to worry about money: Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss, the former business partners and Harvard University classmates of Mark Zuckerberg, have dropped their court appeal of a settlement with the Facebook founder. They are however, still proceeding with the case of who has the worse last name.
According to the BBC, automaker Saab is having trouble paying it's employees and is on the brink of going under. This is baad news for this caarmaaker.
Sgt. Maj. Micheal Barrett, recently selected to be the senior enlisted adviser to the Marine Corps thinks gays should be allowed in the military, saying, “Get over it,” “We’re magnificent, we’re going to continue to be. … Let’s just move on, treat everybody with firmness, fairness, dignity, compassion and respect. Let’s be Marines.” To which the straight soldiers snickered and said, "He said 'firm'".
In health news, both men and women have better odds of surviving colon cancer if they are married, U.S. researchers say. Scientist are still not clear as to which is the bigger pain in the ass.
Monique Lawless, a Texas woman, had nothing personal at stake when she saw three men leaving a Walmart store in Alvin with three cases of beer they didn't pay for. She was a customer, not an employee, of the store. And she chased the men down and jumped on the hood of their car. Great job Monique, why to stick up for the biggest retailer on the planet! Hey Monique, you know that if you worked for Wal-Mart you would never be promoted to management, don't you?
An unnamed former Apple exec said that Apple is getting into the TV business. They are going to "blow Netflix and the other guys away." Their plan is to strip the TV of all it's useful features and raise the price. Should be a huge success.
That's it for me kids. If you happen to see me, give me a dollar.
Hugs
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 23, 2011
Restrain yourselves, people. It's only Thursday. Let's have some jokes.
Bad science news this week, as a NASA scientist is in trouble for using his position and knowledge to earn $1.2 million from a third party. He probably just gave some tips to Michael Bay on how to film the Moon so that it looks real.
Bad fashion news this week, as fancy fashionist John Galliano went on trial in France for making anti-Semitic remarks. It's likely that he will blame drugs and alcohol for the outburst. First it was Mel Gibson's drunken, anti-Semitic rant and now this? It's become clear to me: drugs and alcohol hate Jewish people!
In California, Lindsay Lohan said she is enjoying her house arrest, probably because it gives her a chance to catch up on her drugs in peace.
In Utah, a gunman took several people hostage hostages for 16 hours, and still kept updating his status on Facebook. That's some serious multi-tasking. Also, it looks like hostage situations should be more exciting.
Former celebrity Nick Lachey and his new wife will star in a new version of his old show Newlyweds. Jeez, Nick, hope you didn't give her Jessica's old clothes, too.
The acting head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tabacco and Firearms is expected to resign after allowing guns to be sold to Mexican gangs... unless he can pull off a wacky scheme to get the guns back, arrest the gangs and totally impress his girlfriend's stodgy old parents! Wait, is Pauly Shore the acting head of the ATF? No? Oh, then he's screwed.
Yesterday, Sarah Palin abruptly ended her bus tour. She abandoned that bus like it was a Governor's Mansion. BOOM! She's a quitter! Still, though, you have to admire her amazingly consistent inconsistency. She likes to quit stuff. I heard she started shooting heroin just to give it up. Seriously, I'm starting to wonder if she could even finish a sneeze.
Bad science news this week, as a NASA scientist is in trouble for using his position and knowledge to earn $1.2 million from a third party. He probably just gave some tips to Michael Bay on how to film the Moon so that it looks real.
Bad fashion news this week, as fancy fashionist John Galliano went on trial in France for making anti-Semitic remarks. It's likely that he will blame drugs and alcohol for the outburst. First it was Mel Gibson's drunken, anti-Semitic rant and now this? It's become clear to me: drugs and alcohol hate Jewish people!
In California, Lindsay Lohan said she is enjoying her house arrest, probably because it gives her a chance to catch up on her drugs in peace.
In Utah, a gunman took several people hostage hostages for 16 hours, and still kept updating his status on Facebook. That's some serious multi-tasking. Also, it looks like hostage situations should be more exciting.
Former celebrity Nick Lachey and his new wife will star in a new version of his old show Newlyweds. Jeez, Nick, hope you didn't give her Jessica's old clothes, too.
The acting head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tabacco and Firearms is expected to resign after allowing guns to be sold to Mexican gangs... unless he can pull off a wacky scheme to get the guns back, arrest the gangs and totally impress his girlfriend's stodgy old parents! Wait, is Pauly Shore the acting head of the ATF? No? Oh, then he's screwed.
Yesterday, Sarah Palin abruptly ended her bus tour. She abandoned that bus like it was a Governor's Mansion. BOOM! She's a quitter! Still, though, you have to admire her amazingly consistent inconsistency. She likes to quit stuff. I heard she started shooting heroin just to give it up. Seriously, I'm starting to wonder if she could even finish a sneeze.
Lastly, in Colorado, police alleged that a peeping tom hid in porta-potty tank to watch people use the restroom, and when discovered, he made his escape while still covered in poop. I think he was probably just washing off his Jack in the Box burger. BOOM! TRIPLE CALLBACK! That's it! It's the turd-trifecta! I've completed my shitty trilogy, and I thank you for coming along with me.
Ending my week with a poop joke? Shit yeah.
Eat your fruit, have a great day, come back again soon! Spencer's here tomorrow, so you should be, too.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 22, 2011
Happy Wednesday! Every day gets shorter from here on out! Yay, summer! Okay, that's really tiring. Whatever. It's hot. Here's some jokes.
Rapper and actor 50 Cent is writing an anti-bullying book for teens. It's called Quit Picking on that Kid, or I'll Beat You Up.
Prolific musical satirist Weird Al Yankovic released a parody of Lady Gaga this week, which is strange considering that Lady Gaga is now a parody of Lady Gaga.
In aviation news, Virgin Atlantic pilots announced they will go on strike. Air traffic controllers hailed the move, saying "does that mean we get another 15 minutes of sleep?" Ha ha ha, no, it doesn't.
Popular musician Britney Spears kicked off her summer tour this week, and one lucky man from the audience was treated to a lap dance on stage during one of the songs. On the downside though, the dance cost him $20 plus a $10 Ticketmaster surcharge.
Former Oasis bandleader Noel Gallagher is not inviting his brother Liam to his upcoming wedding. It makes sense, though, considering how much trouble it is just having one of those assholes at your wedding. No reason to punish yourself with both.
A young Emperor penguin turned up in New Zealand recently after swimming way, way off course. Veterinarians made sure the animal was in good health, and Peter Jackson immediately added him to the cast of The Hobbit.
Ryan Murphy, the creator of Glee, revealed this week that the characters on his show will age normally and graduate from high school on schedule. So, in that sense, the show is unlike real high schools.
Lastly, in Oregon, a small town dumped 8 million gallons of drinking water from a reservoir after a young man was caught peeing in it. At least he wasn't throwing in a burger from Jack in the Box. BOOM! CALLBACK!
That's all for now! See you again tomorrow!
Eat some fruit and have a great day!
Rapper and actor 50 Cent is writing an anti-bullying book for teens. It's called Quit Picking on that Kid, or I'll Beat You Up.
Prolific musical satirist Weird Al Yankovic released a parody of Lady Gaga this week, which is strange considering that Lady Gaga is now a parody of Lady Gaga.
In aviation news, Virgin Atlantic pilots announced they will go on strike. Air traffic controllers hailed the move, saying "does that mean we get another 15 minutes of sleep?" Ha ha ha, no, it doesn't.
Popular musician Britney Spears kicked off her summer tour this week, and one lucky man from the audience was treated to a lap dance on stage during one of the songs. On the downside though, the dance cost him $20 plus a $10 Ticketmaster surcharge.
Former Oasis bandleader Noel Gallagher is not inviting his brother Liam to his upcoming wedding. It makes sense, though, considering how much trouble it is just having one of those assholes at your wedding. No reason to punish yourself with both.
A young Emperor penguin turned up in New Zealand recently after swimming way, way off course. Veterinarians made sure the animal was in good health, and Peter Jackson immediately added him to the cast of The Hobbit.
Ryan Murphy, the creator of Glee, revealed this week that the characters on his show will age normally and graduate from high school on schedule. So, in that sense, the show is unlike real high schools.
Lastly, in Oregon, a small town dumped 8 million gallons of drinking water from a reservoir after a young man was caught peeing in it. At least he wasn't throwing in a burger from Jack in the Box. BOOM! CALLBACK!
That's all for now! See you again tomorrow!
Eat some fruit and have a great day!
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