Welcome to Wednesday, or as the Germans would say, "Das Wednesday." I just came from a show at an international youth hostel in New York. Turns out my set is just as funny to people who don't speak English. I'll let you decide if that's a good thing or not.
You know what is good? Gifts. Speaking of gifts, former decent person John Edwards faces charges of improperly using campaign funds to hush up his mistress/babymomma back in 2008. He's arguing that the money was a gift, and not a donation. That's about as believable as "don't worry, I'll pull out."
Speaking of pulling out, Donald Trump welcomed his female self to New York City yesterday. That's right, Sarah Palin paid the combover a visit, and they shared dinner together. It's like Sleepless in Seattle, but with a-holes.
Speaking of things that won't go away, horses in America are beset by an outbreak of Horse Herpes in the western U.S. Veterinarians have tracked the outback to a visit by Horse A-Rod to Horse Studio 54 earlier this year. Horse.
Yeah. That's science. Also science: a study released last month revealed that people with long commutes to work are more likely to get divorced. This is especially true for people who spend their commute banging other commuters on the subway. Ugh. That's about the least sexy sentence that's ever been on this blog.
Speaking of unsexy, the Subway restaurant chain issued a statement recently saying "We'll help avocado go mainstream." So, I guess now hipsters will have to start hating avocado, and talk about how much better they were when they were just some unknown indie fruit trees from Puebla, Mexico. It's basically the same thing that happened with Rilo Kiley.
In other entertainment news, FOX ordered a show that sounds suspiciously like an Antiques Roadshow knockoff. Only the FOX version will feature a British guy in a black tshirt saying your antiques "just don't want it enough."
Speaking of not wanting it enough, megachurcher and crystal meth aficionado Ted Haggard will be making a cameo appearance in an upcoming "Christian sex comedy." Now you might be wondering, "what's a Christian sex comedy?" Well, it's actually about abstinence. Which is an interesting interpretation of "sex." Can't wait to see how they interpret "comedy." I'm guessing there will be as much comedy as there is boning. Oh, but maybe Donald and Sarah could star in it!
And lastly, big legal trouble for a former television star Andy Dick. Mr. Dick is being sued for taking his little mr. dick out and walking through the audience at one of his shows. The most surprising thing? PEOPLE STILL ALLOW ANDY DICK ON STAGE?! Glad to see "sobriety" is working out for him.
Well that's it. Sorry for the downer ending. But what are you gonna do, right? Tomorrow is a brand new day, right? Be sure to tell your friends, and don't forget your sunblock! See you Thursday, everyone!
And have a great day.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 31, 2011
Good (insert time of day here) everybody! Well, looks like summer is here, unofficially of course. Granted, the equinox may not have happened yet, or the solstice, or whatever it is, but it's summer. Can we all agree on that? Yeah, facts and science are dumb. Let's trust our feelings. Did I mention that it's good I'm not a doctor? Any time you think that our educational system isn't working properly, you just remember that it worked well enough to steer me away from medicine. And into comedy. Sort of. Anyway...
Speaking of steering, a woman in Saudi Arabia was recently jailed for driving. I assume she was driving dangerously and erratically. I mean, otherwise, what sense would there be in locking a woman up just for driving? Oh, that would be something, huh? What a crazy world that would be! Hmm. That's not a terribly funny joke. How about if I mentioned how she was using the rear view mirror to put lipstick on her burqa?
Speaking of insanity, Sarah Palin, who is totally not running for president right now you guys, said at a recent press event that she didn't owe the mainstream media anything. When asked if she was familiar with hubris, the former Governor replied, "oh sure, yeah, I've got lots of Jewish friends."
In Sweden, the Swedish King of Sweden, King Gustav XVI of Sweden, denied reports that photographs exist of him cavorting with naked women at a sex club. The King issued a statement in his defense, saying, "come on, I'm not British." In a related story, what's the point of being the King of Sweden if you can't get the ladies to come to you? Offer them the Nobel Prize for Booty Shaking or something, at least!
Alright, speaking of party chicks in Europe, "Snooki" crashed her car into an Italian cop car this weekend. Well done, Snooki. Authorities actually said alcohol was not a contributing factor for the crash, but they could not rule out the big part played by stupidity.
Back in America, Internet "hacktivists" attacked PBS over a story on Wikileaks. They broke into the PBS Twitter account (yes, there is one) and published a false story about Tupac Shakur living secretly in New Zealand. The hackers pulled the same prank on FOX News, but no one could tell the difference.
ZING!
Producers of the non-cancelled show Cougar Town are considering a title change, as they feel that Cougar Town does not fully reflect the breadth of the show. Top contender for the new name? MILF City.
Back in Europe, Germany announced that due to its dangerous and unpredictable nature, they will be abandoning nuclear power by 2022. They're still undecided on what to do about salad.
Lastly, you've probably heard about the new Google wallet app, which will make it easier to pay for things. I don't know if Google really understands that it isn't the inconvenience that's stopping people from buying things. It's usually poverty. No one walks up to a counter, reaches for their wallet and stops halfway, weakened from the exertion. Maybe I'm being a bit of a Luddite about this. But I do know if Google really wants people to use their wallet app, they'd best get working on a way to keep a condom in it.
THAT'S THE END! Best go back to pretending to work now. We'll be back tomorrow and Thursday, then Spencer and Earnest will see you though the weekend. It's going to be glorious. Alright, we'll do this again soon, alright? Till then, have a great day!
Speaking of steering, a woman in Saudi Arabia was recently jailed for driving. I assume she was driving dangerously and erratically. I mean, otherwise, what sense would there be in locking a woman up just for driving? Oh, that would be something, huh? What a crazy world that would be! Hmm. That's not a terribly funny joke. How about if I mentioned how she was using the rear view mirror to put lipstick on her burqa?
Speaking of insanity, Sarah Palin, who is totally not running for president right now you guys, said at a recent press event that she didn't owe the mainstream media anything. When asked if she was familiar with hubris, the former Governor replied, "oh sure, yeah, I've got lots of Jewish friends."
In Sweden, the Swedish King of Sweden, King Gustav XVI of Sweden, denied reports that photographs exist of him cavorting with naked women at a sex club. The King issued a statement in his defense, saying, "come on, I'm not British." In a related story, what's the point of being the King of Sweden if you can't get the ladies to come to you? Offer them the Nobel Prize for Booty Shaking or something, at least!
Alright, speaking of party chicks in Europe, "Snooki" crashed her car into an Italian cop car this weekend. Well done, Snooki. Authorities actually said alcohol was not a contributing factor for the crash, but they could not rule out the big part played by stupidity.
Back in America, Internet "hacktivists" attacked PBS over a story on Wikileaks. They broke into the PBS Twitter account (yes, there is one) and published a false story about Tupac Shakur living secretly in New Zealand. The hackers pulled the same prank on FOX News, but no one could tell the difference.
ZING!
Producers of the non-cancelled show Cougar Town are considering a title change, as they feel that Cougar Town does not fully reflect the breadth of the show. Top contender for the new name? MILF City.
Back in Europe, Germany announced that due to its dangerous and unpredictable nature, they will be abandoning nuclear power by 2022. They're still undecided on what to do about salad.
Lastly, you've probably heard about the new Google wallet app, which will make it easier to pay for things. I don't know if Google really understands that it isn't the inconvenience that's stopping people from buying things. It's usually poverty. No one walks up to a counter, reaches for their wallet and stops halfway, weakened from the exertion. Maybe I'm being a bit of a Luddite about this. But I do know if Google really wants people to use their wallet app, they'd best get working on a way to keep a condom in it.
THAT'S THE END! Best go back to pretending to work now. We'll be back tomorrow and Thursday, then Spencer and Earnest will see you though the weekend. It's going to be glorious. Alright, we'll do this again soon, alright? Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - May 31, 2011
Happy Memorial Day! Hope you're enjoying your day off. Or if you're working today, hope you're enjoying time-and-a-half. Obviously we're not taking today off, so you're not alone. We will, however, be doing a half-assed job. Just like always. It's a good thing I'm not a doctor. Or a high-ranking member of Pakistan's intelligence agency, the ISI. 'Cause they've already got enough people who suck at their jobs! BOOM! Okay, let's make with the jokes and laugh and clap and such.
Who likes socially relevant jokes? Not me, so I won't be enjoying this next one. Here goes. So, South Dakota recently passed new laws regulating abortion access, and Planned Parenthood and other women's rights advocates are already challenging the law, trying to get rid of it before it even goes into effect. Anti-choice activists, however, want to see the law come into effect and, if need be, will help to find it a good home with adoptive parents... Wow, that metaphor was so tortured, you'd think it was in Guantanamo. BOOM! SOCIALLY-RELEVANT-COMBO!!!!!!
I'm really more proud of that than I should be. Let's move on.
Speaking of social relevancy, Sarah Palin rode into Washington, D.C. on a motorcycle this weekend to kick off a public appearance that is totally unrelated to her run for the Presidency, which she's totally not decided about. Totally. Oh, and by the way, thanks for ruining motorcycles. What's the best way to drain any subversive, counter-cultural credibility from something? Sit a Stepford-fascist on it. Wait a minute... can we get her to sit on Noam Chomsky's head for a while? Seriously, that guy has come down with a wicked case of tool-itis.
In other news of tools... Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who is still not a confirmed James Bond villain but come on, is receiving home-delivered breakfasts while under house arrest. No word yet if he's been able to find a cleaning service willing to budge on their non-rape policies. He's gonna like prison.
On a lighter note, it turns out that 3-D movies are not nearly as profitable as Hollywood was hoping. Looks they have overlooked the crucial cyclops demographic...
In Colombia, investigators uncovered a massive criminal conspiracy stretching back 25 years. No, really. It turns out that nearly seven million hectares of land had been stolen over the last quarter century. I can't imagine where that land was being hidden, though. Maybe Nebraska? Nobody ever goes looking for anything there.
In other Columbian news, coffee growers announced that demand for coffee is outstripping the ability to grow and distribute it. This is bad news for people who like a functioning society. Looks like there's nothing for the world to do but turn to methamphetamines and cocaine. Either that or START GETTING TO BED EARLIER! But what do I know? I'm posting this at 1:00am.
Speaking of drug-pushers, Saudi Arabian Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal called for OPEC to lower oil prices in order to keep Europe and America from finding alternatives and/or weaning themselves off of oil. What a pal, that old bin Talal. Next he'll call for men to beat their wives with slightly less vigor so as to keep them from agitating for more human rights. See, it's slightly better than the worst case scenario! Everything's fine, right?
And lastly, the government of Iran recently vowed to "unplug" the Internet. That's a clear sign that they have a full and functional understanding of how the Internet works. But I've got bad news for Iran. You can go ahead and unplug the Internet, you can destroy every computer and every server in the world, but guess what? You'll never be able to get Rebecca Black's "Friday" out of your head. Once it's there, the only way to get it out is with a bullet.
That's all! Hope you had a great weekend and enjoy today! We'll be back tomorrow with more, so tell your friends to check us out!
Also, if you're into that sort of thing, you can check out my new side-project, wherein we follow the fictional summer tour of a robot programmed to tell awful jokes at the worst comedy clubs in America. You know, that old chestnut. Check it out: http://theunstoppablehackbot.blogspot.com/
Have a great day!
Who likes socially relevant jokes? Not me, so I won't be enjoying this next one. Here goes. So, South Dakota recently passed new laws regulating abortion access, and Planned Parenthood and other women's rights advocates are already challenging the law, trying to get rid of it before it even goes into effect. Anti-choice activists, however, want to see the law come into effect and, if need be, will help to find it a good home with adoptive parents... Wow, that metaphor was so tortured, you'd think it was in Guantanamo. BOOM! SOCIALLY-RELEVANT-COMBO!!!!!!
I'm really more proud of that than I should be. Let's move on.
Speaking of social relevancy, Sarah Palin rode into Washington, D.C. on a motorcycle this weekend to kick off a public appearance that is totally unrelated to her run for the Presidency, which she's totally not decided about. Totally. Oh, and by the way, thanks for ruining motorcycles. What's the best way to drain any subversive, counter-cultural credibility from something? Sit a Stepford-fascist on it. Wait a minute... can we get her to sit on Noam Chomsky's head for a while? Seriously, that guy has come down with a wicked case of tool-itis.
In other news of tools... Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who is still not a confirmed James Bond villain but come on, is receiving home-delivered breakfasts while under house arrest. No word yet if he's been able to find a cleaning service willing to budge on their non-rape policies. He's gonna like prison.
On a lighter note, it turns out that 3-D movies are not nearly as profitable as Hollywood was hoping. Looks they have overlooked the crucial cyclops demographic...
In Colombia, investigators uncovered a massive criminal conspiracy stretching back 25 years. No, really. It turns out that nearly seven million hectares of land had been stolen over the last quarter century. I can't imagine where that land was being hidden, though. Maybe Nebraska? Nobody ever goes looking for anything there.
In other Columbian news, coffee growers announced that demand for coffee is outstripping the ability to grow and distribute it. This is bad news for people who like a functioning society. Looks like there's nothing for the world to do but turn to methamphetamines and cocaine. Either that or START GETTING TO BED EARLIER! But what do I know? I'm posting this at 1:00am.
Speaking of drug-pushers, Saudi Arabian Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal called for OPEC to lower oil prices in order to keep Europe and America from finding alternatives and/or weaning themselves off of oil. What a pal, that old bin Talal. Next he'll call for men to beat their wives with slightly less vigor so as to keep them from agitating for more human rights. See, it's slightly better than the worst case scenario! Everything's fine, right?
And lastly, the government of Iran recently vowed to "unplug" the Internet. That's a clear sign that they have a full and functional understanding of how the Internet works. But I've got bad news for Iran. You can go ahead and unplug the Internet, you can destroy every computer and every server in the world, but guess what? You'll never be able to get Rebecca Black's "Friday" out of your head. Once it's there, the only way to get it out is with a bullet.
That's all! Hope you had a great weekend and enjoy today! We'll be back tomorrow with more, so tell your friends to check us out!
Also, if you're into that sort of thing, you can check out my new side-project, wherein we follow the fictional summer tour of a robot programmed to tell awful jokes at the worst comedy clubs in America. You know, that old chestnut. Check it out: http://theunstoppablehackbot.blogspot.com/
Have a great day!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Fridays with Spencer: but sex is fun!
Hello friends! If you're one of my Oklahoma readers, I hope that you are alive and that your house wasn't destroyed by swirling wind. If it was, I'm sorry and my thoughts and prayers are with you, now seriously, get back to work. I think I saw part of your house two counties over. Seth will be sending you some new boxer shorts. It's all he can give!
Here is something interesting: A decapitated head, said to be that of St. Vitalis of Assisi, the patron saint of genital diseases, will be sold at an auction. So, the Catholic church has a patron saint of genital diseases? I would assume most young boys are clean, but good to know they have someone to pray to if they run into one of those "slutty" altar boys.
Have you ever seen "Back to the Future"? You know that part where Michael J. Fox uses a car to tow him on his skateboard? Well, a man in Santa Clarita did that and died. He was also a fan of the video-game, Skate or Die.
Here’s a group that makes deathers, truthers, and birthers look nearly rational. A small ground of conspiracy websites has begun floating the theory that the Jan. 8 shootings in Tucson, in which five were killed and Rep. Gabrielle Giffords gravely injured, were a hoax—perhaps perpetrated by the government. Anyone remember the good ole days, when the government faked the moon landing? Life was so much simpler.
Speaking of nut-jobs, Sarah Palin may have a secret weapon to catapult herself to the front of the Republican presidential race: a movie. RealClearPolitics recently screened a rough cut of The Undefeated, a two-hour, million-dollar epic directed—and financed—by conservative filmmaker Stephen K. Bannon. If you go see this movie, you can be just like Palin, and leave in the middle.
Radar Online reports that Maria Shriver has hired a private investigator to trace rumors and tabloid claims that Schwarzenegger may have fathered other illegitimate children. Guess who now hates "anchor babies"? ME! Congrats Tea Party!
According to a report that aired Sunday night on CBS’ 60 Minutes, cyclist Lance Armstrong’s former teammate, Tyler Hamilton, claims that Armstrong and other team leaders encouraged, promoted, and took part in a doping program. Which is why teammates say he never won the Tour de France seven times.
The Westboro Baptist Church plans to picket in Joplin on Sunday, where at least 125 people have died in a tornado. Afterward, they will likely enjoy a nice dinner at Dolly Parton's Dixieland Stampede. It's like Medieval Times, but ignorant!
I've heard of Tiger Mothers, but not this... George L. Chin, 63, of Mattapoisett was arraigned on charges that he repeatedly slapped his adult son for playing poorly during a tennis match. Did I mention this happened at the Special Olympics? Oh, it did. But afterward he took his son to a nice dinner at Dolly Parton's Dixieland Stampede! POTATOES!
That's it for me. I love you all!
Here is something interesting: A decapitated head, said to be that of St. Vitalis of Assisi, the patron saint of genital diseases, will be sold at an auction. So, the Catholic church has a patron saint of genital diseases? I would assume most young boys are clean, but good to know they have someone to pray to if they run into one of those "slutty" altar boys.
Have you ever seen "Back to the Future"? You know that part where Michael J. Fox uses a car to tow him on his skateboard? Well, a man in Santa Clarita did that and died. He was also a fan of the video-game, Skate or Die.
Here’s a group that makes deathers, truthers, and birthers look nearly rational. A small ground of conspiracy websites has begun floating the theory that the Jan. 8 shootings in Tucson, in which five were killed and Rep. Gabrielle Giffords gravely injured, were a hoax—perhaps perpetrated by the government. Anyone remember the good ole days, when the government faked the moon landing? Life was so much simpler.
Speaking of nut-jobs, Sarah Palin may have a secret weapon to catapult herself to the front of the Republican presidential race: a movie. RealClearPolitics recently screened a rough cut of The Undefeated, a two-hour, million-dollar epic directed—and financed—by conservative filmmaker Stephen K. Bannon. If you go see this movie, you can be just like Palin, and leave in the middle.
Radar Online reports that Maria Shriver has hired a private investigator to trace rumors and tabloid claims that Schwarzenegger may have fathered other illegitimate children. Guess who now hates "anchor babies"? ME! Congrats Tea Party!
According to a report that aired Sunday night on CBS’ 60 Minutes, cyclist Lance Armstrong’s former teammate, Tyler Hamilton, claims that Armstrong and other team leaders encouraged, promoted, and took part in a doping program. Which is why teammates say he never won the Tour de France seven times.
The Westboro Baptist Church plans to picket in Joplin on Sunday, where at least 125 people have died in a tornado. Afterward, they will likely enjoy a nice dinner at Dolly Parton's Dixieland Stampede. It's like Medieval Times, but ignorant!
I've heard of Tiger Mothers, but not this... George L. Chin, 63, of Mattapoisett was arraigned on charges that he repeatedly slapped his adult son for playing poorly during a tennis match. Did I mention this happened at the Special Olympics? Oh, it did. But afterward he took his son to a nice dinner at Dolly Parton's Dixieland Stampede! POTATOES!
That's it for me. I love you all!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 26, 2011
Welcome to your Thursday, you Internet people. I'm a little torn up about the cancellation of The Event, so there won't be much banter from me today. Maybe it'll be back. I don't know. Things like that make you question your faith in NB... oh, right. Never mind.
A New Jersey woman was diagnosed with cataplexy, a disorder that causes her to fall asleep every time she so much as giggles. That's gotta suck. But to make matters worse, NBC just cancelled her favorite show, [Outsourced]. Apparently it's the only program she could make it all the way through.
In New York, Courtney Love is in town promoting, I don't know, her twitter account or something. While she's here, she told reporters that she started taking Valium at the ripe old age of 8. Congratulations, Hoffmann-La Roche, your drug is getting free exposure! No press is bad press, right? Right? Although, this may be a conflict of interest for Ms. Love, as she's already a compensated spokesperson for "Batshit-Crazy." Remember, for all your insane needs, choose Batshit-Crazy!
In environmental news, Iran's largest lake, Lake Oroumieh, is turning salty. Iranian scientists are investigating the phenomenon, and expect to have an explanation of how it was caused by the Jews sometime early next week.
In legal news, former role-model and current cautionary-tale John Edwards may be facing indictment from the Department of Justice. And it couldn't happen to a nicer fella. It's just a shame Elizabeth couldn't see it in person. Oh, and that he's a piece of shit. That's a shame, too.
In "literary" news, the Kardashian sisters announced a new contest to name their novel. Pretty cool for fans, right? Well, next month they'll have another contest, where one lucky fan will get to write the whole book.
A recent survey of professional bankers found that 72% of them admitted to cheating on their spouses. Wow, they just can't stop screwing people. Any chance John Edwards was a banker?
Speaking of horrible revelations, a Sarah Palin biopic opened in Iowa this week. Early reviews call it "hilarious," and "must-not see."
And finally, a report from historians released this week revealed that Nazi scientists tried to teach dogs how to read, write and speak. How did they lose the war again? But this is exciting news for Steven Spielberg, who just found the villain for his next Indiana Jones movie! And regardless of how crappy the dog special effects are, it will still be more believable than Shia LaBoef. He's not going to be in the Thundercats movie, is he?
Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow for more hilarity from Spencer, and I'll be back on Monday. If you're in Hoboken, come see me at Clam Broth House Friday at 9pm this Friday, and no matter where you are, have a great day.
And don't forget the sunblock!
A New Jersey woman was diagnosed with cataplexy, a disorder that causes her to fall asleep every time she so much as giggles. That's gotta suck. But to make matters worse, NBC just cancelled her favorite show, [Outsourced]. Apparently it's the only program she could make it all the way through.
In New York, Courtney Love is in town promoting, I don't know, her twitter account or something. While she's here, she told reporters that she started taking Valium at the ripe old age of 8. Congratulations, Hoffmann-La Roche, your drug is getting free exposure! No press is bad press, right? Right? Although, this may be a conflict of interest for Ms. Love, as she's already a compensated spokesperson for "Batshit-Crazy." Remember, for all your insane needs, choose Batshit-Crazy!
In environmental news, Iran's largest lake, Lake Oroumieh, is turning salty. Iranian scientists are investigating the phenomenon, and expect to have an explanation of how it was caused by the Jews sometime early next week.
In legal news, former role-model and current cautionary-tale John Edwards may be facing indictment from the Department of Justice. And it couldn't happen to a nicer fella. It's just a shame Elizabeth couldn't see it in person. Oh, and that he's a piece of shit. That's a shame, too.
In "literary" news, the Kardashian sisters announced a new contest to name their novel. Pretty cool for fans, right? Well, next month they'll have another contest, where one lucky fan will get to write the whole book.
A recent survey of professional bankers found that 72% of them admitted to cheating on their spouses. Wow, they just can't stop screwing people. Any chance John Edwards was a banker?
Speaking of horrible revelations, a Sarah Palin biopic opened in Iowa this week. Early reviews call it "hilarious," and "must-not see."
And finally, a report from historians released this week revealed that Nazi scientists tried to teach dogs how to read, write and speak. How did they lose the war again? But this is exciting news for Steven Spielberg, who just found the villain for his next Indiana Jones movie! And regardless of how crappy the dog special effects are, it will still be more believable than Shia LaBoef. He's not going to be in the Thundercats movie, is he?
Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow for more hilarity from Spencer, and I'll be back on Monday. If you're in Hoboken, come see me at Clam Broth House Friday at 9pm this Friday, and no matter where you are, have a great day.
And don't forget the sunblock!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 25, 2011
So... this week has been pretty light on the light-hearted banter. More like extra-light. My apologies. I blame my allergies for this. Why? I don't have a real reason, but I hate them so much. I hate them like Pakistan hates having to admit that members of its security services and armed forces are actively collaborating with international terrorists. Wait, what? I'm not sure what I meant by that, but it sounds bad for Pakistan. Good thing they don't have nuclear... Oh. Right. Eff. Oh well, have some jokes!
Have you all been keeping up with Dancing with the Stars? Have you noticed how much weight Kirstie Alley has lost? She's dropped 38 inches since the season started! Isn't that great? Ms. Alley has been so inspired by her dramatic transformation that she's now working on a diet and exercise plan called "Join the Cast of Dancing with the Stars." Admittedly, it requires more of a commitment than most people will be capable of. For example, the first step: "become a major star, beloved by millions, then fade into semi to total obscurity and wait for Tom Bergeron to call you." It's tough, but you can't argue with the results.
Elsewhere on the magical story box, Mark Burnett, the producer of CBS’s hit reality show Survivor has signed on with the History Channel to produce a 10-hour miniseries based upon the Bible. I’m sure it will be awesome, and completely respectful of the source material. Although it's going to be weird for Burnett to be working with material that's already scripted out with a clear ending in mind.
Have you all been keeping up with Dancing with the Stars? Have you noticed how much weight Kirstie Alley has lost? She's dropped 38 inches since the season started! Isn't that great? Ms. Alley has been so inspired by her dramatic transformation that she's now working on a diet and exercise plan called "Join the Cast of Dancing with the Stars." Admittedly, it requires more of a commitment than most people will be capable of. For example, the first step: "become a major star, beloved by millions, then fade into semi to total obscurity and wait for Tom Bergeron to call you." It's tough, but you can't argue with the results.
Elsewhere on the magical story box, Mark Burnett, the producer of CBS’s hit reality show Survivor has signed on with the History Channel to produce a 10-hour miniseries based upon the Bible. I’m sure it will be awesome, and completely respectful of the source material. Although it's going to be weird for Burnett to be working with material that's already scripted out with a clear ending in mind.
Hey, remember Candy Land, that fun children’s game from our childhood? It was the one where you, I don’t know, get candy or something? Well, pre-production began recently on the Candy Land movie! As expected, Michael Bay is slated to direct. Now you’ll get to see what it looks like when a sparkly sugar castle gets blown all to hell by robotic alien pirates. That’s probably not true, but man, what if it was?
Back to television, because that's what we love, there's big news for American Idol fans. This week, the show's creator, Simon Fuller, was honored with his own star on the Hollywood walk of fame. In a related story, Justin Gaurini will be sleeping on the sidewalk near that star. Is that how you spell his name? Oh, who gives a crap? Certainly not America.
In sadder news, the National Pinball Museum will be closing after just five months, due to a lack of funding. Although, if they get a match, they’ll get one more play. That’s a pinball joke. It barely makes sense if you’ve played pinball, and makes no sense if you haven’t. There, I admitted it. You happy now?
In other news of unhappy matches, an America woman in Salt Lake City was arrested this week for attempting to sell her daughter’s virginity. In her defense, however, the guy was offering a lot of cows and goats.
Speaking of legal issues, a recent Supreme Court ruling is forcing California to release 37,000 inmates from the state’s prisons. Unfortunately, Mark Burnett is already tied up with the Bible series on the History Channel, or else that would be one sweet reality show.
And finally, in Internet news, LinkedIn is now estimated to be worth approximately $4 billion, which means someone must have figured out how to use it for sex.
Over and out, my friends! Keep up the sunblock and let me know how the SPF is working out for you! Tell your friends the same, and we'll see you tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.
P.s.: it's either boxer shorts or south asian geopolitical analysis. No middle ground here, dear readers. I welcome your banter choice.
Over and out, my friends! Keep up the sunblock and let me know how the SPF is working out for you! Tell your friends the same, and we'll see you tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.
P.s.: it's either boxer shorts or south asian geopolitical analysis. No middle ground here, dear readers. I welcome your banter choice.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 24, 2011
Happy Tuesday! Let's get to it.
In Philadelphia, an alleged crime boss was arrested yesterday. In hindsight, his only mistake was being a crime boss.
Speaking of crime, a man in Colorado Springs robbed a Wells Fargo bank while on crutches. Witnesses reported feeling terrified and inspired.
In fake crime, a 44-year old Canadian man told his wife that he had been mugged, rather than admit that he was unable to secure tickets to Oprah Winfrey's last show. Too bad Oprah's going off the air, because that sounds like a good show topic.
Speaking of talk show hosts, Rikki Lake said recently that being in love has made her fat. Still no explanation as to what made her a terrible actress.
In end of the world news, Biblical math-enthusiast Harold Camping, the 89-year old who predicted the world would end on Saturday, clarified yesterday that the actual end of the world will occur on October 21st. It's amazing that Camping has stuck to his guns on the whole "I figured out when the world is going to end" business, rather than just admit that he doesn't understand metaphors.
In other news signaling the end of the world, let's talk about the Billboard Music Awards. At the ceremony this weekend, Rihanna's security detail kept little Justin Bieber from talking to the star at the end of the program. Bieber, obviously angered by the snub, kept his cool and didn't bite anyone. Are you taking notes, Chris Brown?
Speaking of taking notes, TMZ is reporting that the Schwarzenegger love child story was initially leaked to the press by Maria Shriver's people. Seems fair, seeing as how the whole thing started with a leak from Arnold.
And lastly, Mark Zuckerberg said this week that he thinks children under 13 should be allowed to use Facebook, due to the great potential for education afforded by the website. NAMBLA issued a statement of support.
That's all for now, I guess. See you tomorrow! Till, then, don't forget your sunblock, and have a great day!
In Philadelphia, an alleged crime boss was arrested yesterday. In hindsight, his only mistake was being a crime boss.
Speaking of crime, a man in Colorado Springs robbed a Wells Fargo bank while on crutches. Witnesses reported feeling terrified and inspired.
In fake crime, a 44-year old Canadian man told his wife that he had been mugged, rather than admit that he was unable to secure tickets to Oprah Winfrey's last show. Too bad Oprah's going off the air, because that sounds like a good show topic.
Speaking of talk show hosts, Rikki Lake said recently that being in love has made her fat. Still no explanation as to what made her a terrible actress.
In end of the world news, Biblical math-enthusiast Harold Camping, the 89-year old who predicted the world would end on Saturday, clarified yesterday that the actual end of the world will occur on October 21st. It's amazing that Camping has stuck to his guns on the whole "I figured out when the world is going to end" business, rather than just admit that he doesn't understand metaphors.
In other news signaling the end of the world, let's talk about the Billboard Music Awards. At the ceremony this weekend, Rihanna's security detail kept little Justin Bieber from talking to the star at the end of the program. Bieber, obviously angered by the snub, kept his cool and didn't bite anyone. Are you taking notes, Chris Brown?
Speaking of taking notes, TMZ is reporting that the Schwarzenegger love child story was initially leaked to the press by Maria Shriver's people. Seems fair, seeing as how the whole thing started with a leak from Arnold.
And lastly, Mark Zuckerberg said this week that he thinks children under 13 should be allowed to use Facebook, due to the great potential for education afforded by the website. NAMBLA issued a statement of support.
That's all for now, I guess. See you tomorrow! Till, then, don't forget your sunblock, and have a great day!
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