Happy belated Mothers' Day! And also, happy belated Mother's Day! Whichever spelling you prefer. Now, enjoy these jokes!
Yahoo! CEO Scott Thompson is stepping down after only four months on the job, making his transition the fasted that Yahoo! has ever been able to update anything.
"Hey, it's national Bike To Work Week!" says the sweaty guy in your office.
This weekend, Mitt Romney gave the commencement speech at Pat Robertson's Liberty University in his latest effort win the votes of bigots. Go get 'em, Mitt!
Romney also came under fire last week for alleged bullying he did of a gay student in high school. Romney countered that it's not reasonable to judge him for what he did as a child, unless of course he had been a young black male.
The Oklahoma Republican Party convention descended into violence this week as Ron Paul supporters clashed with Romney's. It got so bad that eventually both sides had to call the police to break it up, which was awkward considering that both sides wanted to cut public employees' salaries.
A janitor at Columbia University just graduated from the university with a bachelor's degree in classics. He's decided to keep his job, though, which makes him the most successful classics graduate in recent memory.
In technology news, Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin renounced his American citizenship so as to avoid U.S. taxes on the impending Facebook IPO because he's a piece of shit.
And finally, Japan powered down all of its nuclear power plants this month after the Fukushima disaster. Consequently, the government is expecting an increase in power shortages but a sharp decrease in Kaiju-related monster rampages. It's all about trade-offs.
That's all! Come by tomorrow for more biased jokes about stuff that's happening now. Bye!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 10, 2012
Happy Thursday! Do you have any drink specials? Oh, then you're probably not a bar in my neighborhood. Have joke, on me.
A United Airlines jet had to make an emergency landing in Denver yesterday because passengers were in danger of reaching their destination on time.
President Obama said yesterday in an interview that same-sex marriage "should be legal!" Yay, equality! Wait, hold on a second. Why did he say "should" and not "will be?" Oh, Barack, you've tricked us again!
Speaking of the President, he faced a challenge in Tuesday's West Virginia primary from a felon incarcerated in Texas. Look, I'm not saying we should vote a felon into the White House, but if he can get a real stimulus package through Congress, maybe we should consider it. Because I don't think anybody wants filibuster a bill endorsed by "President Knifey-Stab."
Reports leaked from Saudi and U.S. intelligence services indicate that the foiled Yemeni airplane bomb plot may actually be viral marketing for the forthcoming 24 movie.
Michele Bachmann just became a Swiss citizen, now holding dual citizenship in America and Switzerland, meaning she'll now have the opportunity to indignantly accuse people she disagrees with of being "un-Swiss."
The Japanese government is taking over TEPCO after the disaster at the Fukushima power plant. No word yet who will be taking over Congress after the last two years.
Punk rocker Tom Gabel came out as transgendered, shocking many who didn't realize that punk rock was still around.
And finally, the Indian Supreme Court suspended a plan to reintroduce cheetahs into the wild after special interest groups spent years cultivating relationships with members of the court who then refused to recuse themselves from cases involving their friends and business partners. Wait, no, sorry, I was thinking about the U.S. Supreme Court.
Doin' a heckuva a job, Roberts!
And that's all! If I can keep my inner Morrissey in check, there will be a podcast tomorrow. Till then, TOODLES!
A United Airlines jet had to make an emergency landing in Denver yesterday because passengers were in danger of reaching their destination on time.
President Obama said yesterday in an interview that same-sex marriage "should be legal!" Yay, equality! Wait, hold on a second. Why did he say "should" and not "will be?" Oh, Barack, you've tricked us again!
Speaking of the President, he faced a challenge in Tuesday's West Virginia primary from a felon incarcerated in Texas. Look, I'm not saying we should vote a felon into the White House, but if he can get a real stimulus package through Congress, maybe we should consider it. Because I don't think anybody wants filibuster a bill endorsed by "President Knifey-Stab."
Reports leaked from Saudi and U.S. intelligence services indicate that the foiled Yemeni airplane bomb plot may actually be viral marketing for the forthcoming 24 movie.
Michele Bachmann just became a Swiss citizen, now holding dual citizenship in America and Switzerland, meaning she'll now have the opportunity to indignantly accuse people she disagrees with of being "un-Swiss."
The Japanese government is taking over TEPCO after the disaster at the Fukushima power plant. No word yet who will be taking over Congress after the last two years.
Punk rocker Tom Gabel came out as transgendered, shocking many who didn't realize that punk rock was still around.
And finally, the Indian Supreme Court suspended a plan to reintroduce cheetahs into the wild after special interest groups spent years cultivating relationships with members of the court who then refused to recuse themselves from cases involving their friends and business partners. Wait, no, sorry, I was thinking about the U.S. Supreme Court.
Doin' a heckuva a job, Roberts!
And that's all! If I can keep my inner Morrissey in check, there will be a podcast tomorrow. Till then, TOODLES!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 9, 2012
Welcome back, my friends! Did you miss me? Oh, go on. No, go on. Go on, read the rest of this. Then you might not miss me so much...
Burmese democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi was issued her first passport in 24 years this week, and was unfortunately squinting in her photo. Oh well, better luck next time!
A Nebraska man changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex this week because he thought of it before you did.
George Lucas said recently that education is the single most important job in America, which is why he has vowed to replace every American teacher with a computer-generated alien by 2020.
Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney on Monday after the presumptive candidate agreed to fight for tax breaks for sweater vests and idiots.
America's envoy to Pakistan is leaving the country after almost two years, which means Pakistan should probably get ready for some more drone strikes.
In entertainment news, NBC just picked up two new sitcoms for next season: 1600 Penn and Animal Practice. A spokesman said the network is thrilled to have the new shows, and can't wait to cancel them.
North Carolina voters passed a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage in the state, because fuck tolerance. Incidentally, "Fuck Tolerance" was going to be the new state motto, but the voters didn't know what the word "tolerance" meant, assumed it was French and that saying it would somehow make them all gay.
Seriously, 58% of North Carolina voters can fuck right off.
And finally, airport security screeners in Warwick, Rhode Island, found gun parts stashed in a child's stuffed animals. The child's father was shocked by the find, mostly because that meant he'd accidentally left all his heroin at home.
Okay, that's it! See you tomorrow! Unless you voted for North Carolina's Amendment One, in which case you can fuck right off!
Burmese democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi was issued her first passport in 24 years this week, and was unfortunately squinting in her photo. Oh well, better luck next time!
A Nebraska man changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex this week because he thought of it before you did.
George Lucas said recently that education is the single most important job in America, which is why he has vowed to replace every American teacher with a computer-generated alien by 2020.
Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney on Monday after the presumptive candidate agreed to fight for tax breaks for sweater vests and idiots.
America's envoy to Pakistan is leaving the country after almost two years, which means Pakistan should probably get ready for some more drone strikes.
In entertainment news, NBC just picked up two new sitcoms for next season: 1600 Penn and Animal Practice. A spokesman said the network is thrilled to have the new shows, and can't wait to cancel them.
North Carolina voters passed a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage in the state, because fuck tolerance. Incidentally, "Fuck Tolerance" was going to be the new state motto, but the voters didn't know what the word "tolerance" meant, assumed it was French and that saying it would somehow make them all gay.
Seriously, 58% of North Carolina voters can fuck right off.
And finally, airport security screeners in Warwick, Rhode Island, found gun parts stashed in a child's stuffed animals. The child's father was shocked by the find, mostly because that meant he'd accidentally left all his heroin at home.
Okay, that's it! See you tomorrow! Unless you voted for North Carolina's Amendment One, in which case you can fuck right off!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 8, 2012
I have no banter today. Absolutely none. I'm too busy thinking about The Avengers. You've seen it, right? You've gotta see it. Right after you read these jokes.
This week, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his third term as Russia's President, just in time for the next James Bond movie.
Yemeni and American intelligence agents foiled another airline underwear bomb plot yesterday with the help of special consultants Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.
Beef Products Inc., makers of the "pink slime" beef filler, are closing three plants and will punch anyone in the mouth who says "there's no such thing as bad publicity."
Medical researchers believe that a compound in curry may fight bowel cancer. By blasting the cancer right out your ass.
In South Korea, customs agents are cracking down on smugglers bringing in capsules of powdered human flesh from China. They're just trying to protect the domestic market.
Bad news for Disney, the French theme park, Euro Disney, is reporting high losses due to higher wage costs, renovations, and the overall suckiness of Euro Disney.
The CEO of Yahoo! has been accused of fabricating part of his resume, because he apparently wanted a job at Yahoo!
And finally, Governor Paul LePage of Maine said yesterday that unemployed people need to "get up off the couch" and get a job. Also, they need to get up because that couch is being repossessed by the bank.
And that is all. See you tomorrow!
This week, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his third term as Russia's President, just in time for the next James Bond movie.
Yemeni and American intelligence agents foiled another airline underwear bomb plot yesterday with the help of special consultants Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.
Beef Products Inc., makers of the "pink slime" beef filler, are closing three plants and will punch anyone in the mouth who says "there's no such thing as bad publicity."
Medical researchers believe that a compound in curry may fight bowel cancer. By blasting the cancer right out your ass.
In South Korea, customs agents are cracking down on smugglers bringing in capsules of powdered human flesh from China. They're just trying to protect the domestic market.
Bad news for Disney, the French theme park, Euro Disney, is reporting high losses due to higher wage costs, renovations, and the overall suckiness of Euro Disney.
The CEO of Yahoo! has been accused of fabricating part of his resume, because he apparently wanted a job at Yahoo!
And finally, Governor Paul LePage of Maine said yesterday that unemployed people need to "get up off the couch" and get a job. Also, they need to get up because that couch is being repossessed by the bank.
And that is all. See you tomorrow!
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - May 7, 2012
Did you see the supermoon this weekend? Unfortunately I missed it, as I for some reason assumed it was in reference to J.Lo’s ass. That’s what you get when you assume. Anyway, that’s all the banter I have in my heart. Oh, except to say that I called off this past week’s podcast, as it got really dark and creepy. And I prefer to keep things light and creepy. We’ll try it again this week. In the meantime, get your USDA recommended dose of topical humor.
In Sandford, Florida, lawyers for George Zimmerman called for calm before the trial, saying “let’s not prejudge anyone.” Right, because that’s how this mess got started in the first place.
In France, an obviously confused electorate voted into office Francois Hollande, a suspected socialist. He’s suspected of being a socialist as he was running on the Socialist ticket. Very sneaky... No word yet on his Kenyanisity.
In confused American politics, Senator John McCain told Mitt Romney that his Vice Presidential pick should be “someone you trust.” John McCain from 2008 then replied “sorry, what was that?”
Rapper/Father Jay-Z said this weekend that his daughter Blue Ivy may be the “worst, spoiled little kid ever.” And that’s coming from a guy who knows Kanye West.
In sadder musical news, Adam Yauch, AKA MCA of the Beastie Boys, passed away on Friday. This weekend, Madonna said that MCA was one of a kind and important to her musical history. She said this because she was not close enough to literally spit on his grave.
At London’s Heathrow Airport, U.K. Border Force failed to meet processing time targets for arrivals last month. That’s probably because of United.
Korean pop star Kim Hyun-joong plans to kick off his next tour by high-fiving all 3,000 fans expected at his first show in Singapore, making his hand “Patient Zero” for the next flu epidemic.
The 1927 film Wings, the first movie to win the Oscar for Best Picture, is back in theaters! And now, of course, it’s in 3-D.
And finally, the United Nations has imposed sanctions on three North Korean state-owned companies after the failed rocket test last month. Hopefully, they blacklisted the companies that built the rocket. Those guys suck.
That’s all! See you tomorrow!
In Sandford, Florida, lawyers for George Zimmerman called for calm before the trial, saying “let’s not prejudge anyone.” Right, because that’s how this mess got started in the first place.
In France, an obviously confused electorate voted into office Francois Hollande, a suspected socialist. He’s suspected of being a socialist as he was running on the Socialist ticket. Very sneaky... No word yet on his Kenyanisity.
In confused American politics, Senator John McCain told Mitt Romney that his Vice Presidential pick should be “someone you trust.” John McCain from 2008 then replied “sorry, what was that?”
Rapper/Father Jay-Z said this weekend that his daughter Blue Ivy may be the “worst, spoiled little kid ever.” And that’s coming from a guy who knows Kanye West.
In sadder musical news, Adam Yauch, AKA MCA of the Beastie Boys, passed away on Friday. This weekend, Madonna said that MCA was one of a kind and important to her musical history. She said this because she was not close enough to literally spit on his grave.
At London’s Heathrow Airport, U.K. Border Force failed to meet processing time targets for arrivals last month. That’s probably because of United.
Korean pop star Kim Hyun-joong plans to kick off his next tour by high-fiving all 3,000 fans expected at his first show in Singapore, making his hand “Patient Zero” for the next flu epidemic.
The 1927 film Wings, the first movie to win the Oscar for Best Picture, is back in theaters! And now, of course, it’s in 3-D.
And finally, the United Nations has imposed sanctions on three North Korean state-owned companies after the failed rocket test last month. Hopefully, they blacklisted the companies that built the rocket. Those guys suck.
That’s all! See you tomorrow!
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 3, 2012
How about some Thursday? Drink it in...
The president of the popular microblog Tumblr resigned this week. Unfortunately, his resignation was reblogged so many times, the unemployment rate went up another 2%.
Blind Chinese dissident Chen Guangcheng accidentally left the U.S. Embassy yesterday while trying to find a bathroom.
North Korean GPS jamming signals interfered with South Korean flights this week, despite the fact that the captain had turned on the "NO GPS Jamming" sign.
This month, France is celebrating the 600th birthday of Joan of Arc with bonfires across the country.
In the U.K., the Ministry Of Defense is preparing for the upcoming Olympics by installing surface-to-air missiles on apartment building around London to protect the events and to facilitate "the most badass triathalon in history."
Edvard Munsch's "Scream" sold at auction yesterday for $120 million, making it the most expensive piece of Home Alone tribute art in the world.
In North Carolina, Cate Edwards left John Edwards' trial in tears when it was revealed that her father is, in fact, John Edwards.
And finally, a new medical study reveals that Taser shots to chest can cause heart attacks, according to world-renowned cardiologist Dr. Obvious.
If you made it through that, I commend you. Come back tomorrow for the multimedia extravaganza.
The president of the popular microblog Tumblr resigned this week. Unfortunately, his resignation was reblogged so many times, the unemployment rate went up another 2%.
Blind Chinese dissident Chen Guangcheng accidentally left the U.S. Embassy yesterday while trying to find a bathroom.
North Korean GPS jamming signals interfered with South Korean flights this week, despite the fact that the captain had turned on the "NO GPS Jamming" sign.
This month, France is celebrating the 600th birthday of Joan of Arc with bonfires across the country.
In the U.K., the Ministry Of Defense is preparing for the upcoming Olympics by installing surface-to-air missiles on apartment building around London to protect the events and to facilitate "the most badass triathalon in history."
Edvard Munsch's "Scream" sold at auction yesterday for $120 million, making it the most expensive piece of Home Alone tribute art in the world.
In North Carolina, Cate Edwards left John Edwards' trial in tears when it was revealed that her father is, in fact, John Edwards.
And finally, a new medical study reveals that Taser shots to chest can cause heart attacks, according to world-renowned cardiologist Dr. Obvious.
If you made it through that, I commend you. Come back tomorrow for the multimedia extravaganza.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 2, 2012
Happy hump day. Read that how you will. Got a lot to get through today, hope you're ready for it. Alright, let's get serious.
Sanford, Florida, just hired a new interim police chief. Their main criteria for hiring: looking for someone who hasn't seen the news in the last three months.
Five anarchists were arrested in a plot to blow up a Cleveland bridge yesterday or in 1908. Fortunately, no one was injured in the plot, and LeBron James' title as Biggest Asshole In Cleveland History is unchallenged.
Members of British Parliament said yesterday that Rupert Murdoch is "not a fit boss" for NewsCorp. In the U.K., "fit" is also slang for attractive. Both interpretations work here.
Also in the U.K., the National Health Service is working with Facebook to promote organ donation. Tie it in to Farmville, and you'll be neck-deep in kidneys.
French National Front leader Marine Le Pen said she would be abstaining from the upcoming presidential election. Dominique Strauss-Kahn responded to the news by saying "what is that word, 'abstaining?'"
Duran Duran will be headlining an outdoor concert to mark the beginning of the Olympics this year. Also joining them in this retro event: The Soviet Union.
Studio spokespersons for MGM said that the next James Bond film will explore a more "depressed" James Bond, which I suppose explains why they have him drinking Heineken.
And finally, Nadya Suleman, now broke and fending for 14 children, said that she's open to acting in a pornographic film, although she won't touch another "human's flesh." Thanks, Octomom, for continuing to make things creepy. Although I think down the line she might come to regret making the distinction of not touching "human" flesh.
Yep, leaving it at that. See you tomorrow!
Sanford, Florida, just hired a new interim police chief. Their main criteria for hiring: looking for someone who hasn't seen the news in the last three months.
Five anarchists were arrested in a plot to blow up a Cleveland bridge yesterday or in 1908. Fortunately, no one was injured in the plot, and LeBron James' title as Biggest Asshole In Cleveland History is unchallenged.
Members of British Parliament said yesterday that Rupert Murdoch is "not a fit boss" for NewsCorp. In the U.K., "fit" is also slang for attractive. Both interpretations work here.
Also in the U.K., the National Health Service is working with Facebook to promote organ donation. Tie it in to Farmville, and you'll be neck-deep in kidneys.
French National Front leader Marine Le Pen said she would be abstaining from the upcoming presidential election. Dominique Strauss-Kahn responded to the news by saying "what is that word, 'abstaining?'"
Duran Duran will be headlining an outdoor concert to mark the beginning of the Olympics this year. Also joining them in this retro event: The Soviet Union.
Studio spokespersons for MGM said that the next James Bond film will explore a more "depressed" James Bond, which I suppose explains why they have him drinking Heineken.
And finally, Nadya Suleman, now broke and fending for 14 children, said that she's open to acting in a pornographic film, although she won't touch another "human's flesh." Thanks, Octomom, for continuing to make things creepy. Although I think down the line she might come to regret making the distinction of not touching "human" flesh.
Yep, leaving it at that. See you tomorrow!
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