Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 24, 2013

Mumford & Sons announced they'll be taking a break from music to get back to their first passions: subsistence farming and drinking moonshine under the stars.

In Thailand, two men are facing prison after taking a picture of pop star Rihanna with an endangered primate. So in the E! True Hollywood Story of Rihanna's life, just so we're all clear, *this* is the moment when someone in her life might have to do hard time.

In Sydney, a Qantas flight was delayed after a single Mandarin Rat Snake was discovered on the plane. Apparently his visa was not in order.

The Volkswagen van is finally being "retired," unlike the people who drive VW vans. They're not retired, they're just hippies.

Sewer operators across the country are spreading the word that flushing hand wipes and paper towels down the toilet will lead to clogs and problems with the sewer systems. So, just as a reminder, the only things that can go down the toilet are waste, toilet paper, and the economy when John Boehner is around.

In Egypt, a high court has suspended all activities of The Muslim Brotherhood, including the new magazine "The Muslim Brotherhood's Highlights for Kids." That thing is full of activities.

The San Francisco 49ers just lost star linebacker Aldon Smith to injuries, perhaps for the rest of the season. A representative from the team said they will just have to find a way to not get to the playoffs without him.

And finally, parents are trying to find ways to break their children's addiction to smartphones, but no one seems to have the answer. It seems pretty obvious, though. Make them get a job and then set up the phone to get work emails. They'll throw that thing in a river ASAP.

That's all. Whatever.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 19, 2013

Rumors are swirling that Research In Motion will be laying off several hundred workers in the coming months. Bad news for the workers, but at least now they won't have to use BlackBerrys.

A woman in China was rescued yesterday after 15 days trapped in an abandoned well. She said it was great to finally have some time to herself.

Financial observers in the UK are concerned that as national central banks age, they could weaken, leading to uncontrolled fluctuations in interest rates. Also, they suspect the banks will develop a bunch of crazy ear hair.

Toyota is moving a plant to Russia to begin making RAV4 SUVs for the Russian market because of the truck's incredible popularity. It could have something to do with the fact that the seats are covered in Yankee blue jeans.

Researchers have found evidence that botox injections into the bladder may help with incontinence. Also, it makes your bladder way sexier.

LinkedIn is mounting a legal challenge to government requests for data, although they've pledged that this will in no way prevent them from sending you a bunch of emails about people you barely know.

Walgreen's will be moving away from providing health insurance for their employees, instead sending them to the new insurance exchanges. At the heart of the issue, according to the company, was their inability to keep up with the insane cost of prescription medications.

And finally, Starbucks is banning weapons from their coffee houses across the country. It's part of their new "don't shoot us" strategy. So now you can feel comfortable ordering an extra shot.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 10, 2013

In London, Secretary of State Kerry accidentally blurted out that Syria could avoid a military strike from the U.S. if they would surrender their stockpiles of chemical weapons to the U.N. within one week. A representative from the Assad government was quick to praise the idea, adding "we're almost done with them anyway!"

In a related story, the State Department walked back Kerry's comments, saying the Secretary was not authorized to speak rationally.

In Florida, George Zimmerman was not arrested yesterday after his wife called 911 to report him for threatening her and her father with a gun. Zimmerman was questioned and released without any charges filed. As a result, his wife is now afraid to eat Skittles.

In Boulder, Colorado, a man was arrested for taking a drunken horse ride through town. The horse was under the legal limit, though, so he was released by police at the scene.

PayPal now offers a hands-free way to pay for things in person, using an app on your phone. In other news: DON'T EVER LOSE YOUR PHONE.

Google announced it would add embedded posts and author attribution to its Google+ social network. They will not, however, be adding a reason to use it.

The Neiman Marcus department store chain just sold to a private venture capital firm. I hope they're happy with the purchase, because that store's return policy is a nightmare.

And finally, the Sheriff's Department in Detroit announced the capture of a convict who escaped custody after stabbing a prison guard with a comb. They were never really worried, because if there's one thing the last 20 years have taught us, it's that nobody escapes Detroit.

And that's all!

Monday, September 9, 2013

Monday Morning Monologue - September 9, 2013

A man in Texas thought his friends were pranking him he reached into a beer cooler and pulled out a snake. Turns out it was just hot enough in Texas that a cold-blooded reptile needed to get out of the heat. For his part, the man was a good sport. He said the snake had a full-bodied flavor, but was a bit too hoppy for his taste.

Time Warner announced they would be moving their retired personnel off of the company health plan and instead provide the retirees with vouchers to go purchase health insurance on the open market. First they take CBS off the air and now this. Is there anything Time Warner won't do to dick over old people?

In Moscow, early reports indicate that Sergei Sobyanin, a close ally of Vladimir Putin, is likely to win the mayoral race. Probably because it's too cold to tweet pictures of your dick in Russia. However, a challenger, and vocal critic of Putin, claims he will be able to force a runoff. When Putin was asked for comment he said "'Force?' 'Runoff?' He forgot the words "my car to" and "cliff" in that sentence."

A new Prime Minister is set to take office in Australia. The conservative challenger won in a landslide, meaning that he survived a landslide in order to win the job. They do things differently in Australia.

South Korea is banning Japanese fish from their markets over the continued presence of radiation from the Fukushima power plant. Many South Koreans were upset, as they'd become accustomed to the convenience of self-cooking fish.

A new report came out this weekend that the NSA is able to access almost all smartphone data, which is how they've cornered the market in dick-pics.

Two dick-pic jokes in one day? I regret nothing.

In England, Prince Andrew was recently stopped and challenged by police outside Buckingham Palace (not where Lindsay Buckingham lives) because they didn't recognize him. Police eventually apologized, and to his credit Prince Andrew said he was grateful for the apology. He was also grateful to not be a young black or latino man in New York.

And finally, meteorologists are tracking a new tropical depressing in the Atlantic Ocean. It's over by the UK now, so expect it to get downright suicidal before heading towards America and where it will be calmed by all the Prozac from sewers on the East Coast. Circle of life.

And that's all.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 3, 2013

Word came out that the NSA has been spying on Brazil, and boy have they got their panties in a wad over this. Or, they would if they wore any panties.

London police have arrested two men on suspicion of passing off horsemeat as beef. But the case is largely based on bullshit that turned out to be horseshit.

Building on strikes for a living wage in New York, fast food workers are planning additional strikes in other cities. If nothing else, it seems they've learned the importance of franchising.

Dennis Rodman is back in Pyongyang, because apparently Kim Jong Un realized that he looks more sane with The Worm standing next to him.

Ford Motors just recalled 370,000 cars over faulty protections for the steering system. One thing they can't recall: a time in recent memory when their cars didn't suc.

President Obama called on Congress to authorize military action against Syria over their use of Sarin gas. There is also a small addendum, seeking sanctions against Walter White.

The Lava Lamp just turned 50 years old, meaning that the Lava Lamp is now old enough to consider itself a waste of money.

And finally, swimmer Diana Nyad successfully swam from Florida to Cuba, because she likes to taunt Cuban political prisoners.