How's your sugar hangover? A little hair of the pixie that bit ya would help. Keep the sugar flowing! Also flowing, some mad sick jokes, yo.
GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain was accused of sexual harassment recently. This could be because he patterned his behavior toward women after Leisure Suit Larry.
Comedian and television host Bill O'Reilly is writing two more books, just in case you were having trouble distinguishing which of your neighbors are douchebags.
There are now seven billion humans, which means that 7.71428571 × 10-9 percent of the Earth read my blog yesterday! WAHOO!
Andrew Madoff, son of world-class asshole Bernie Madoff, said the week that he never once suspected his father of running a Ponzi scheme. In a related story, Andrew Madoff has been cheated on by every woman he's ever dated.
A new economic report found that the world is "on verge of a new recession." This report was issued by the Institute of Stuff We Knew a Year Ago.
During the eulogy for the late Steve Jobs, his sister said "death didn't happen to Steve, he achieved it." I've never been so happy to be an underachiever.
A Spanish village is divided over whether or not to keep the "Smurf" makeover it received as part of the international promotion for the recent Smurfs film. Half of the residents want to keep the Smurfiness, while the other half aren't socially awkward children from 1984.
And finally, Jackass "star" Bam Margera's Porsche was sidewsiped recently, doing significant damage to the sports car and shaking up Margera. This is an awesome story until you realize that Bam Margera has a Porsche, and (probably) not syphilis. So, that's one more point against Karma.
Okay, that's all for me today. If you celebrate it, have a happy (?) Day of the Dead. And if not, maybe go home and watch Day of the Dead. It's a pretty sweet little movie. Otherwise, I'll see you again tomorrow for more timely hijinks. Until then, have a great day!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - October 31, 2011
Happy Halloween, everyone! Here's some tips and history for your enjoyment of this most presently happening holiday.
1. Having a Jack-o-Lantern in your car does not qualify you for the carpool lane. You need a scarecrow for that.
2. No one has ever put razorblades into apples and handed them out to trick or treaters. That's just an urban legend. But it's as good a reason as any to not eat those stupid apples.
3. Are you afraid that people won't think you're cool if you wear a costume? Relax! If you're worried about that, you're probably not cool, and people can tell. So put on a costume, loser.
4. Halloween can be traced back to ancient Ireland as a Celtic festival celebrating women dressed as slutty druids.
5. Candy corn is chemically identical to LSD.
6. Never rent a costume that has a tear in the crotch. Just trust me on that.
7. If you go bobbing for apples, it's like you're swapping spit with everyone else at the party. So you might as well go ahead and make out with everyone.
8. When you teepee a house, remember to use clean toilet paper.
That's it! Now you're ready for awesome, ghost-banishing fun! See you tomorrow! Till then, have a spooky day!
1. Having a Jack-o-Lantern in your car does not qualify you for the carpool lane. You need a scarecrow for that.
2. No one has ever put razorblades into apples and handed them out to trick or treaters. That's just an urban legend. But it's as good a reason as any to not eat those stupid apples.
3. Are you afraid that people won't think you're cool if you wear a costume? Relax! If you're worried about that, you're probably not cool, and people can tell. So put on a costume, loser.
4. Halloween can be traced back to ancient Ireland as a Celtic festival celebrating women dressed as slutty druids.
5. Candy corn is chemically identical to LSD.
6. Never rent a costume that has a tear in the crotch. Just trust me on that.
7. If you go bobbing for apples, it's like you're swapping spit with everyone else at the party. So you might as well go ahead and make out with everyone.
8. When you teepee a house, remember to use clean toilet paper.
That's it! Now you're ready for awesome, ghost-banishing fun! See you tomorrow! Till then, have a spooky day!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Fridays with Spencer: I'm starting a Cult.
Hey, give it up for Seth Joseph! Very funny man. He will be selling CD's after the show. They are just regular CD's though. His music collection is mostly digital now.
Donald Trump predicted fanning the "birther" flames is a "positive thing" for Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry. Welp, there ya have it Perry. The keys to the White House from the dude that dropped out because "fanning the birther flames" didn't work.
Trump also recently mentioned that the Occupy Wall Street movement was "cool." Nice, Trump is trying the old, "if your parents think it's cool, then it's nice" trick.
In a recent interview with EW.com, Steven Spielberg defended worst scenes in 'Indiana Jones 4. He also mentioned that fanning the "birther" flames would be a positive thing for Rick Perry.
One of the best shows on TV, Modern Family, just announced that comedian Kevin Hart will be playing the role of a new neighbor. As is often said when black people move in, "It was good while it lasted."
Exxon Mobil reported quarterly earnings of $10.3 billion on Thursday, a surge of 41% from a year earlier. That should shut those Occupy Wall Street people up!
A father accused of decapitating his son was ruled unfit for trial. But the judge ruled that he WAS fit to work at Arby's. This judge loves the thinly sliced roast beef.
I'm going to end on that morbid note. Now, please welcome back to the stage, SETH JOSEPH!
Donald Trump predicted fanning the "birther" flames is a "positive thing" for Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry. Welp, there ya have it Perry. The keys to the White House from the dude that dropped out because "fanning the birther flames" didn't work.
Trump also recently mentioned that the Occupy Wall Street movement was "cool." Nice, Trump is trying the old, "if your parents think it's cool, then it's nice" trick.
In a recent interview with EW.com, Steven Spielberg defended worst scenes in 'Indiana Jones 4. He also mentioned that fanning the "birther" flames would be a positive thing for Rick Perry.
One of the best shows on TV, Modern Family, just announced that comedian Kevin Hart will be playing the role of a new neighbor. As is often said when black people move in, "It was good while it lasted."
Exxon Mobil reported quarterly earnings of $10.3 billion on Thursday, a surge of 41% from a year earlier. That should shut those Occupy Wall Street people up!
A father accused of decapitating his son was ruled unfit for trial. But the judge ruled that he WAS fit to work at Arby's. This judge loves the thinly sliced roast beef.
I'm going to end on that morbid note. Now, please welcome back to the stage, SETH JOSEPH!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 27, 2011
Hi, everybody! Are you ready for Thursday? I damn sure am. Each Thursday brings us one week closer to the eventual cancellation of Whitney, so let's keep plugging along. I can't wait until I'm successful enough to have an awful show, too. Then finally me and Denis Leary will have something in common. Okay, enough snark. What is this, the Internet? Alright, let's see what's funny today that we won't give a crap about on Monday.
Bernie Madoff's wife revealed yesterday that after his arrest for stealing billions of dollars in a ponzi scheme, she and her husband tried to commit suicide. Well, thanks Bernie. Your association with it has finally removed any chance that anyone would ever think suicide is cool.
Speaking of sad times, reports are coming out about catastrophic morale problems among employees at Yahoo.com. The problem is worst for those employees who realize that they still work for Yahoo.com.
In entertainment news, Warner Bros will not be licensing its movies to Blockbuster for rental. Instead they will be opting for a plan where audiences are actually able to see the films.
A Federal judge in San Francisco just dismissed a class action suit against Yelp.com. Well, I know one judge who's yelp.com page is going to get some seriously great reviews.
In more legal news, family members of slain sociopath Moamar Gaddhafi (sp?) are planning to sue NATO for causing his recent death. They are going to be disappointed when they find out they don't control the courts any more. Also, Conrad Murray's legal team will be representing them.
Yesterday President Obama announced a plan to offer relief to those struggling with student loan debt. It's all part of his "hey, young people: remember when you used to like me? Come on, wouldn't it be fun to vote for me again?" campaign.
A study of population growth found that the population of the United Kingdom could reach 70m by 2027. Look out developing world, sounds like the Queen is about to get all colony-happy again.
And lastly, the Chinese government will be instituting new rules to curbing "overly entertaining" television programming from and inspired by the west, as the central government fears the population is becoming too devoted and preoccupied with entertaining television shows. NBC China will remain unchanged.
That's all! Spencer brings you jokes tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, follow me on twitter @SoonerSeth, keep reading the Late Night Morning and may your days always be great!
Bernie Madoff's wife revealed yesterday that after his arrest for stealing billions of dollars in a ponzi scheme, she and her husband tried to commit suicide. Well, thanks Bernie. Your association with it has finally removed any chance that anyone would ever think suicide is cool.
Speaking of sad times, reports are coming out about catastrophic morale problems among employees at Yahoo.com. The problem is worst for those employees who realize that they still work for Yahoo.com.
In entertainment news, Warner Bros will not be licensing its movies to Blockbuster for rental. Instead they will be opting for a plan where audiences are actually able to see the films.
A Federal judge in San Francisco just dismissed a class action suit against Yelp.com. Well, I know one judge who's yelp.com page is going to get some seriously great reviews.
In more legal news, family members of slain sociopath Moamar Gaddhafi (sp?) are planning to sue NATO for causing his recent death. They are going to be disappointed when they find out they don't control the courts any more. Also, Conrad Murray's legal team will be representing them.
Yesterday President Obama announced a plan to offer relief to those struggling with student loan debt. It's all part of his "hey, young people: remember when you used to like me? Come on, wouldn't it be fun to vote for me again?" campaign.
A study of population growth found that the population of the United Kingdom could reach 70m by 2027. Look out developing world, sounds like the Queen is about to get all colony-happy again.
And lastly, the Chinese government will be instituting new rules to curbing "overly entertaining" television programming from and inspired by the west, as the central government fears the population is becoming too devoted and preoccupied with entertaining television shows. NBC China will remain unchanged.
That's all! Spencer brings you jokes tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, follow me on twitter @SoonerSeth, keep reading the Late Night Morning and may your days always be great!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 26, 2011
Hey, guess what. I got a new computer. Hooray. Now I can more easily type "smartphone." And jokes. Let's do this.
Netflix lost over 800K subscribers in the last three months as users realized that they could still steal movies.
In Turkey, an aftershock from the recent earthquake set off a riot at a Turkish prison. Fortunately, prison officials were able to get the inmates back under control in time for the evening torture.
Speaking of torture, MTV is planning to make a reality show at the Occupy Wall Street protests in New York. Either someone at MTV has a superhuman sense of irony, or they are all morons.
In romantic news, Tara Reid said yesterday that her recent marriage was fake. You know, like breasts.
A single mother of four in England faces jail time for biting her boyfriend's testicles in a drunken fight, although we may have zeroed in on why this catch is still single. Take note, ladies: it's hard out there for a single mom. Especially when she keeps biting people's testicles.
Russian President (or Prime Minister, I can't remember which he is today) Medvedev recently took to his blog to promote the sport of badminton. Congratulations, Dimitry: you just made gawker.com seem worthwhile.
Also, Medvedev is touting badminton as a sport for those "seeking success." Although it is worth noting that in Russian "seeking success" also translates as "wanting to live in the shadow of a megalomaniacal autocrat." It's a beautiful language.
And lastly, the Center for Disease Control now recommends the HPV vaccine for 11 year-old boys, and thus ends any hope for the CDC to win the GOP presidential nomination.
That's it! I've gotta go update my iTunes. See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day.
Netflix lost over 800K subscribers in the last three months as users realized that they could still steal movies.
In Turkey, an aftershock from the recent earthquake set off a riot at a Turkish prison. Fortunately, prison officials were able to get the inmates back under control in time for the evening torture.
Speaking of torture, MTV is planning to make a reality show at the Occupy Wall Street protests in New York. Either someone at MTV has a superhuman sense of irony, or they are all morons.
In romantic news, Tara Reid said yesterday that her recent marriage was fake. You know, like breasts.
A single mother of four in England faces jail time for biting her boyfriend's testicles in a drunken fight, although we may have zeroed in on why this catch is still single. Take note, ladies: it's hard out there for a single mom. Especially when she keeps biting people's testicles.
Russian President (or Prime Minister, I can't remember which he is today) Medvedev recently took to his blog to promote the sport of badminton. Congratulations, Dimitry: you just made gawker.com seem worthwhile.
Also, Medvedev is touting badminton as a sport for those "seeking success." Although it is worth noting that in Russian "seeking success" also translates as "wanting to live in the shadow of a megalomaniacal autocrat." It's a beautiful language.
And lastly, the Center for Disease Control now recommends the HPV vaccine for 11 year-old boys, and thus ends any hope for the CDC to win the GOP presidential nomination.
That's it! I've gotta go update my iTunes. See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 25, 2011
It's day two of my epic struggle with my laptop, and I'm finally getting the hang of this whole smartphone typing thing. For instance, it only took me three tries to type the word "smartphone." Yay. Here's some jokes.
The former king of Romania, King Michael I, addressed the country's parliament for the first time since he abdicated in 1947. In a related story, no one gives a damn when you visit the Waffle House you got fired from in high school.
Eddie Murphy talked yesterday about how nervous he is to host next year's Oscars. He's worried about living up to the historic quality of the ceremony, because he's apparently never seen it.
President Obama visited Los Angeles yesterday, bringing rush hour traffic to a total standstill. Or as locals call it: traffic.
The New Jersey city of West New York will be hosting a Grand Prix event next year. It's a departure from the normal experience of driving like hell to get a far away from West New York as possible.
This week a judge finalized the divorce between Christina Milian and songwriter/producer The-Dream. The marriage was doomed as soon as Milian learned that yes, he was totally serious about being called The-Dream.
A man flying from Los Angeles to Portland inadvertently packed a loaded gun in his carry-on baggage. TSA screeners didn't spot it, strangely enough, because the gun wasn't a Muslim.
A personal trainer recently set out to gain 70 pounds of fat to better understand his clients and the challenges they face. Lucky for him he's not a rape crisis counselor.
And finally, Rick Perry now says he doesn't know if President Obama's birth certificate is real or not. So that's one more thing that President Obama's birth certificate has in common with science.
Okay, that's the end. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
The former king of Romania, King Michael I, addressed the country's parliament for the first time since he abdicated in 1947. In a related story, no one gives a damn when you visit the Waffle House you got fired from in high school.
Eddie Murphy talked yesterday about how nervous he is to host next year's Oscars. He's worried about living up to the historic quality of the ceremony, because he's apparently never seen it.
President Obama visited Los Angeles yesterday, bringing rush hour traffic to a total standstill. Or as locals call it: traffic.
The New Jersey city of West New York will be hosting a Grand Prix event next year. It's a departure from the normal experience of driving like hell to get a far away from West New York as possible.
This week a judge finalized the divorce between Christina Milian and songwriter/producer The-Dream. The marriage was doomed as soon as Milian learned that yes, he was totally serious about being called The-Dream.
A man flying from Los Angeles to Portland inadvertently packed a loaded gun in his carry-on baggage. TSA screeners didn't spot it, strangely enough, because the gun wasn't a Muslim.
A personal trainer recently set out to gain 70 pounds of fat to better understand his clients and the challenges they face. Lucky for him he's not a rape crisis counselor.
And finally, Rick Perry now says he doesn't know if President Obama's birth certificate is real or not. So that's one more thing that President Obama's birth certificate has in common with science.
Okay, that's the end. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - October 24, 2011
I'm writing this on my phone due to a disagreement between me and my computer. You can guess how that is going. As such, there will be no banter today. It's a sad affair, I know. Well, we soldier on. With jokes!
Yesterday, Broncos quarterback and mega-Christian Tim Tebow rallied the Broncos to a narrow victory over the Dolphins, proving once again that God hates Miami.
John Mayer is recovering from throat surgery. Since he can't talk, and he gave up Twitter, he's been forced to convey his douche baggy-ness through handwritten letters. Much classier.
Ron Paul wants to end Federal student loan assistance, because it puts young people into debt, which is something the private sector can do much more efficiently.
Ryan Reynolds just turned 35, meaning his days as a Hollywood sex symbol are almost over. Wait, no, he's not a woman. False alarm.
Rupert Murdoch is set to address the NewsCorp shareholders meeting, and insiders are expecting some serious arguments and drama, based on the notes they've managed to download from his computer.
Halloween is coming up, and the most popular costume for women is "Pregnant Bella" from the Twilight novels. For a cheaper version, stuff a pillow under your shirt, sprinkle glitter in your crotch, and start dating a sad little emo douche bag.
The final Old Time Radio convention was held for golden age radio enthusiasts. The convention has been discontinued due to a lack of interest. The cancellation was announced via telegraph.
And finally, NBC Sports is relocating from New York City to Connecticut, presumably to take advantage of the great tax breaks for failure.
And that it's all. See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Yesterday, Broncos quarterback and mega-Christian Tim Tebow rallied the Broncos to a narrow victory over the Dolphins, proving once again that God hates Miami.
John Mayer is recovering from throat surgery. Since he can't talk, and he gave up Twitter, he's been forced to convey his douche baggy-ness through handwritten letters. Much classier.
Ron Paul wants to end Federal student loan assistance, because it puts young people into debt, which is something the private sector can do much more efficiently.
Ryan Reynolds just turned 35, meaning his days as a Hollywood sex symbol are almost over. Wait, no, he's not a woman. False alarm.
Rupert Murdoch is set to address the NewsCorp shareholders meeting, and insiders are expecting some serious arguments and drama, based on the notes they've managed to download from his computer.
Halloween is coming up, and the most popular costume for women is "Pregnant Bella" from the Twilight novels. For a cheaper version, stuff a pillow under your shirt, sprinkle glitter in your crotch, and start dating a sad little emo douche bag.
The final Old Time Radio convention was held for golden age radio enthusiasts. The convention has been discontinued due to a lack of interest. The cancellation was announced via telegraph.
And finally, NBC Sports is relocating from New York City to Connecticut, presumably to take advantage of the great tax breaks for failure.
And that it's all. See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
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