Hey, happy Monday! And happy April Fool's Day. Here's some jokes to get you through it.
Mega-retailer Wal-Mart is looking at ways to stay competitive with their online store, and is now considering crowd-sourcing their deliveries to Wal-Mart customers that are already shopping in the stores. This is real. You buy something online, they hand it over to someone who just bought something at the store, and that person drives it out to you. It's part of their new "Please Don't Steal This Thing We Just Gave You" initiative. Also, it's going to save them millions of dollars in employee benefits. Or, it would if they paid any.
A recent study found that online dating has become increasingly popular among people with sexually transmitted infections. Industry analysts are surprised at how quickly it's spreading.
The Rolling Stones are headlining this year's Glastonbury music festival, which means the festival will have to be over by 7pm.
The retiring founder of BlackBerry maker RIM said he has no plans to sell his stake in the company. He does, however, plan to buy an iPhone.
Julia Pierson was named the new head of the U.S. Secret Service. Great start, Ms. Pierson. It's the "secret" service.
That joke sucked.
Boston Mayor Thomas Menino said he will not seek re-election on account of "bein' wicked pissed and tired."
Three men were arrested for smoking pot in a State Trooper's parking lot in Totowa, New Jersey. Trooper's credit the bust to their new policy of not putting up State Trooper signs in their parking lot.
And finally, the Department of Justice is considering a woman to be the new director of the FBI. The CIA, on the other hand, will now be led by a heavily-armed predator drone.
That's it!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 27, 2013
Hey, what happened to Tuesday? Who knows! Forget it. Let's think about Wednesday.
Have you seen this? Jay Leno has been mercilessly making fun of NBC's poor ratings on his show. So that joke is now officially no longer funny.
On a recent trip to Israel, President Obama said that the U.S.A.'s commitment to Israel's security is our "solemn obligation." That's also how Israel's Ultra-Orthodox refer to procreative sex.
In non-procreative sex news, Bill Gates has offered a huge grant for anyone who can come up with a better condom. The condom not only has to feel good and protect against disease and pregnancy, but it also has to kill mosquitoes.
Katie Holmes went nearly topless in a new jewelry advertising campaign. When asked about it, she said "come on, that's at best the second worst decision I ever made."
A new video game system, Kyperkin Retron 5, plays cartridges from nine classic gaming consoles. And it also comes with a certificate of authenticity for your virginity. But only if you blow on it first.
I don't know what that means.
A New Jersey liquor store sold last week's $338million Powerball ticket, making it the first time a New Jersey liquor store had anything to do with someone's dream coming true. At all.
Scientists found that there is a specific part of a rooster's brain that tells him when to start crowing. It's the same part of a human brain that makes people say "cold enough for ya?"
And finally, Russian authorities raided Amnesty International's office this week, because Putin totally isn't a villain.
And that's it! Later, cats.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - March 25, 2013
Hey! It's back! Coming to you live from our brand new studio in the Windy City, it's the new and not-at-all-improved Late Night Morning! Here's some jokes.
IBM researchers have found ways to make circuits that mimic the way human brains work. Meaning that the circuits work for fifteen minutes, then spend an hour looking at pictures of their exes on Facebook.
Carlos Slim, the Mexican telecommunications mogul and world’s richest man, just secured the Mexican broadcasting rights for the Olympics in 2014 and 2016. It’s part of his plan to no longer be the world’s richest man.
On the Internet, a kickstarter fundraising drive raised $2 million in one day to fund a film version of the Kristen Bell series Veronica Mars. Now if we could just convince Kristen to star in a show about curing cancer...
Speaking of doing more, the Pope said this week that we need to be doing more to help out the world’s poor. He then excused himself to the Little Pope’s Room, where he took a dump on a solid gold toilet and wiped his ass with platinum paper.
Scientists are on the verge of developing a hypo-allergenic apple. “It’s about time!” said no one ever.
At least 100 people were injured in a multi-car pileup in Edmonton, Alberta. It was a terrible accident that will be forever known as “the time the entire population of Alberta got in a car accident.”
South Korea said this week that it suspects North Korea is behind a series of cyber attacks. They came to this conclusion after they determined the attacks were launched with an Atari 2600 powered by a hamster wheel.
And finally, Poland is launching an ad campaign to preserve the Polish language. But since the ads were in Polish, no one understood them.
And that's it! Totally worth the wait, right?
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Programming Note
Late Night Morning will be on hiatus until the first week of March, as we relocate to our new Chicago studios. In the meantime, please remember not to take current events too seriously.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 12, 2013
Last week, a man walking his dog on the southern coast of England found a giant chunk of whale vomit on the beach. The rare vomit is actually worth $70,000, and is also a great reminder that whales can’t hold their liquor.
A study found that sitting in traffic in 2011 cost Americans an average of $818, not counting the emotional damage from listening to additional hours of Ryan Seacrest.
In Sweden, authorities have called off a national wolf-cull, after it was discovered that the wolves are key in keeping down the nation’s enormous Grandma population.
People in China are celebrating the arrival of the Year of the Snake with fewer fireworks than previous years, leading many to rename this the “Year of the Wuss Who Is Afraid of Firecrackers.”
A series of self-portraits by former President George W. Bush hit the Internet this week, and many critics were confused by the seemingly abstract paintings until they remembered that he’s physically incapable of seeing himself as the rest of the world does.
Singer Chris Brown wore a white tuxedo to the Grammy’s Sunday, proving many people wrong for saying that he would never be able to get RIhanna’s blood out of the jacket.
Pope Benedict announced his resignation from the Papacy. But don't worry about his financial well being. He's definitely got a golden parachute in his contract. And that would be a actual parachute made of gold.
Also, now that the top spot is open, the members of the College of Cardinals are rushing to update their resumes. And by "update" I mean "touch up the gold leaf on their illuminated transcripts."
And finally, Mountain Dew is introducing a breakfast drink. The marketing slogan? "Mountain Dew in the morning: Your day will only get better."
Fin.
A study found that sitting in traffic in 2011 cost Americans an average of $818, not counting the emotional damage from listening to additional hours of Ryan Seacrest.
In Sweden, authorities have called off a national wolf-cull, after it was discovered that the wolves are key in keeping down the nation’s enormous Grandma population.
People in China are celebrating the arrival of the Year of the Snake with fewer fireworks than previous years, leading many to rename this the “Year of the Wuss Who Is Afraid of Firecrackers.”
A series of self-portraits by former President George W. Bush hit the Internet this week, and many critics were confused by the seemingly abstract paintings until they remembered that he’s physically incapable of seeing himself as the rest of the world does.
Singer Chris Brown wore a white tuxedo to the Grammy’s Sunday, proving many people wrong for saying that he would never be able to get RIhanna’s blood out of the jacket.
Pope Benedict announced his resignation from the Papacy. But don't worry about his financial well being. He's definitely got a golden parachute in his contract. And that would be a actual parachute made of gold.
Also, now that the top spot is open, the members of the College of Cardinals are rushing to update their resumes. And by "update" I mean "touch up the gold leaf on their illuminated transcripts."
And finally, Mountain Dew is introducing a breakfast drink. The marketing slogan? "Mountain Dew in the morning: Your day will only get better."
Fin.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 31, 2013
Senator Lisa Murkowski of Alaska is trying to push through legislation to rename Mt. McKinley. It probably won't work, but she had to give it a shot.
Clothing store H&M posted lower-than-expected profits due to increased costs and people not wanting to wear crappy clothing.
Chesapeake Energy CEO Aubrey McLendon will step down on April 1, making it a really great April Fool's Joke, but mainly just for Chesapeake shareholders.
Germany just marked the 80th anniversary of Hitler's rise to power. The economy actually saw a small bump of improvement because skyrocketing sales for apology cards. Especially those in Polish and Russian.
Nintendo said that their projected sales for the new Wii U were too optimistic. In other words, they were a wee bit high.
After a "successful" satellite launch by North Korea, South Korea recently stepped up and launched their own satellite. In a related story, Seoul is looking into adding more political prison camps.
A recent study revealed that reading can raise a child's IQ by up to six points, so he'll have a better understanding of the physics behind the wedgies he gets.
And finally, Jim Nabors, AKA "Gomer Pyle, USMC," just married his male partner of 38 years. Nabors would have made it official earlier, but, you know, "don't ask don't tell."
Thanks a lot, Obama.
That's it!
Clothing store H&M posted lower-than-expected profits due to increased costs and people not wanting to wear crappy clothing.
Chesapeake Energy CEO Aubrey McLendon will step down on April 1, making it a really great April Fool's Joke, but mainly just for Chesapeake shareholders.
Germany just marked the 80th anniversary of Hitler's rise to power. The economy actually saw a small bump of improvement because skyrocketing sales for apology cards. Especially those in Polish and Russian.
Nintendo said that their projected sales for the new Wii U were too optimistic. In other words, they were a wee bit high.
After a "successful" satellite launch by North Korea, South Korea recently stepped up and launched their own satellite. In a related story, Seoul is looking into adding more political prison camps.
A recent study revealed that reading can raise a child's IQ by up to six points, so he'll have a better understanding of the physics behind the wedgies he gets.
And finally, Jim Nabors, AKA "Gomer Pyle, USMC," just married his male partner of 38 years. Nabors would have made it official earlier, but, you know, "don't ask don't tell."
Thanks a lot, Obama.
That's it!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 30, 2013
Yahoo! announced increased revenue for 2012, largely attributed to their aggressive strategy of looking for coins in the office couch cushions.
In Toledo, a hospital is resuming transplant operations which were suspended when a nurse mistakenly threw out a healthy kidney. Yes, "mistakenly" threw it out, totally not planning to go get it from the trash later and take it home for dinner.
The Spanish olive harvest is down by 80%, meaning that canola oil will be the new standard for oil wrestling this year.
In celebrity news, rumor is that Frank Ocean and Chris Brown got into a fight recently over a parking space and Rihanna is recovering comfortably.
Chris Brown is an asshole.
New Orleans is preparing for the Super Bowl even though some areas of the city have still not recovered from Katrina. Some residents are proud of how far the city has come, others are frustrated at how much is still left ahead of them, but one thing they can all agree on: the city is lucky that it doesn't have to deal with Patriots fans. Those guys suck.
Bill Gates is partnering with the government of Germany on a new initiative to fight hunger. First up: teaching German people how to cook food that isn't awful.
Google Maps is adding secret North Korean prison camps to the Google Earth and Google Map projects. And of course, you can now check in to them on FourSquare.
And finally, rumors were swirling this week that Queen Elizabeth might follow the example of Quenn Beatrix, and abdicate the throne in favor of a younger monarch. Elizabeth put the rumors to rest this week when she had her crown bolted onto her skull. Said the wily old Queen, "come take it if you can, you little bitches."
And that's how we're ending today.
In Toledo, a hospital is resuming transplant operations which were suspended when a nurse mistakenly threw out a healthy kidney. Yes, "mistakenly" threw it out, totally not planning to go get it from the trash later and take it home for dinner.
The Spanish olive harvest is down by 80%, meaning that canola oil will be the new standard for oil wrestling this year.
In celebrity news, rumor is that Frank Ocean and Chris Brown got into a fight recently over a parking space and Rihanna is recovering comfortably.
Chris Brown is an asshole.
New Orleans is preparing for the Super Bowl even though some areas of the city have still not recovered from Katrina. Some residents are proud of how far the city has come, others are frustrated at how much is still left ahead of them, but one thing they can all agree on: the city is lucky that it doesn't have to deal with Patriots fans. Those guys suck.
Bill Gates is partnering with the government of Germany on a new initiative to fight hunger. First up: teaching German people how to cook food that isn't awful.
Google Maps is adding secret North Korean prison camps to the Google Earth and Google Map projects. And of course, you can now check in to them on FourSquare.
And finally, rumors were swirling this week that Queen Elizabeth might follow the example of Quenn Beatrix, and abdicate the throne in favor of a younger monarch. Elizabeth put the rumors to rest this week when she had her crown bolted onto her skull. Said the wily old Queen, "come take it if you can, you little bitches."
And that's how we're ending today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)