Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2013

Big Hollywood news this week: The Entourage movie is officially happening! In a related story, God appears to have died.

In England, a woman attempting to purchase a ticket for a flight to Granada ended up flying instead to Grenada. In a related story, Grenada and Granada are not the same place. Who knew?

Electronics giant Samsung vowed to make more mobile telephones that work with their new Gear system. Meanwhile, BlackBerry vowed to make more mobile telephones that work.

Germany has demanded that the NSA stop spying on them, which is unfortunate, because the NSA has just now developed a tolerance for seeing all the weird shit Germany gets up to when they think no one is watching.

In Egypt, a top kung fu athlete had his gold medal stripped after expressing support for ousted Egyptian leader Morsi. Great, so now who's going to be on the Egyptian Wheaties box?

Rapper Chris Brown was arrested in D.C. on felony assault charges because he's run out of new ideas.

Brittany Spears songs are being used to repel pirates at sea, which is also why you never saw pirates in gay bars in the mid-2000s.

And finally, rapper Jay-Z was horrified to learn that the staff at Barney's in New York recently harassed a young African American male, because there is a stereotype that African Americans don't like to spend that much money on ridiculous high-fashion crap. Jay-Z, for his part, is attempting to fight that stereotype by buying up all the crazy shit he can find at overpriced crap-holes like Barney's.

Sponshorships are still available!

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 8, 2013

Did I miss anything?

Good news for Greece! Economic analysts predict that Greece is about to end their six-year recession and see some actual economic growth. Thankfully, they've offered to send us some economic ad visors.

Bad stock market news. Futures took a big hit this week when investors started to contemplate the future of the economy.

Beverly Hills 90210 stars Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling are reuniting for an ABC Family pilot. It's new ground for both of them, as they'll be playing women in their early twenties.

The Treasury Department just released new $100 bills into circulation. Maybe someday someone will get to see one.

The Turkey Hill ice cream company just issued a recall for three of their flavors because they may contain metal shavings. And they're rethinking the roll-out of their new Strawberries and Broken Glass flavor.

A nine year-old boy was caught stowing away on a flight from Minneapolis to Las Vegas. So, looks like someone won't be eloping after all.

In his last address to stockholders, outgoing Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer said the company's best days are ahead of it, making Steve Ballmer the latest person to publicly say that Steve Ballmer sucks.

And finally, three doctors won the Nobel Prize for Medicine this week for their work on explaining how molecules move around within cells. Another Nobel Prize will be be awarded this week for someone who can explain that last sentence.

And that's it.