Thursday, June 28, 2012

Friday Morning Monologue - June 29, 2012

Jokes on Friday!? WHY NOT!

Yesterday, the Supreme Court ruled that President Obama's healthcare reform bill is, in fact, constitutional. Right? I didn't read the whole ruling, or an entire article about it, but I feel adequately informed to discuss its constitutionality. Right after I read the Constitution.

In other governments' news, Greece's new Finance Minister collapsed last week during his first day of work. It happened immediately after someone informed him that he was the Finance Minister in Greece.

Back in America, television host Ann Curry was paid a significant amount of money to stop working for the Today Show, proving again that NBC is great with money. No word yet on when her morning show on TBS is going to start.

By the way, NBC, I'm willing to not work for the Today Show for way less than she is.

Scientists are learning about early humans' diet from fossilized teeth from a two million year-old human. Among the startling foods found in the ancient teeth: bark, bugs, and the first Twinkie.

Speaking of old stuff, amateur archaeologists in the UK announced they have found over 50,000 ancient coins in the cushions of a very old sofa.

Back in America, roboticists built a robot programmed to play Rock, Paper, Scissors with 100% efficiency. Their findings will be published in an upcoming paper titled "Please Tell Us We Didn't Just Waste the Last Three Years of Our Lives."

In Zimbabwe, two self-confessed witches are set to undergo medical and psychological testing, as doctors fear they may be suffering from a mental illness. Their first clue? They claimed to be witches.

And finally, fans of the late lamented cult television favorite Firefly were treated to news that the stars of the show will reunite at this year's San Diego ComicCon. The reunion was promptly cancelled by Fox.

And that's how it goes.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 28, 2012

You know what this is? This is my first blog post as a married man. Sorry for the extended vacation, but now I'm back, with all the wisdom and experience that only comes with four whole days of marriage. And jokes.

A bunch of irate gunmen rammed a van full of gasoline cans into Microsoft's Greek headquarters yesterday. No one was injured, thankfully, as the RAM failed.

In Germany, a judge outlawed male circumcision, ruling that the act constituted bodily injury. But rugby and Oktoberfest are still just fine.

T-Mobile's chairman stepped down yesterday after just two years. He would have quit earlier, but didn't want to pay the $175 early termination fee.

A study found that Apple users are shown pricier hotels on than Windows users, while Linux users are shown their parents' basement.

A Del Taco cashier recently stabbed a patron, allegedly, over a dispute regarding the customer's order. It was the first time a Del Taco employee ever cared about the job.

Darden Restaurants, owners of Red Lobster and The Olive Garden, is trying to turn around sales at the struggling chains, apparently going so far as to flirt with the idea of serving delicious food. Just flirt with it.

Speaking of seafood, this week marked the first time that seafood from the Fukushima region of Japan was sold since the nearby nuclear power plant suffered a near-meltdown last year. Chefs are excited to begin using the newly available Gojira steaks.

And finally, beverage maker Anheuser-Busch InBev is close to purchasing a controlling share in the makers of Corona beer, proving that no one at Anheuser-Busch InBev has ever had a Corona.

C'est fini. Let's do this again sometime.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 19, 2012

Let the weird and fast continue!

Reuters reported yesterday that Americans gave almost $300 billion last year in charity, and that number doesn't even include the kindhearted souls who sat through two episodes of Whitney before giving up on it.

Retailer JC Penney just fired its head of marketing and merchandising in the wake of his failed plan to do away with all sales and coupons. The plan was codenamed "Whitney." Okay, that's enough of that for today.

Whitney sucks.

Facebook just spent $100 million to purchase Israeli tech firm No word yet on their attempts to purchase Can't understand why their stock is pulling such a "Whitney."

Facebook is also exploring the use of location-specific advertising, so users can ignore more relevant content than ever before.

Justin Bieber's show at the famous Apollo Theater turned acoustic last night after the power went out, proving once again that God does not approve of Justin Bieber.

Baseball star Roger Clemens was found not guilty of perjury yesterday, finally providing white America with its own O.J. Simpson.

Russian President-for-Life Vladimir Putin is considering visiting the U.K. for the first time in nearly a decade so that he can see a judo match and not do anything about Syria. That last part is unrelated, but, come on.

And finally, 73 adult entertainers at a club in Atlanta won a settlement against the club's management and were awarded over $1.5 million in unpaid wages. The toughest part of the settlement was finding that many singles.

Yeah, so I took the easy way out. So what? See how low I stoop tomorrow. Whatever happens, at least it won't be as awful as Whitney.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - June 18, 2012

Gonna make this quick and weird, 'cause I'm on vacation/recovering from surgery/getting married this week. And with that, let's get to joking!

A top secret spy plane operated by the US Air Force has reportedly returned to Earth after spending an impressive 469 days in orbit, say mission commanders who are not familiar with the phrase "top secret."

In Egypt, the Muslim Brotherhood is claiming victory in national elections, thanks in large part to their platform of "Jobs, financial responsibility and education." Wait, no, hold on a second, that platform was actually "Fuck Israel."

In other politics, Greece's center-right pro-bailout coalition won a slim victory in parliamentary elections, narrowly beating out the Night Rider from Mad Max and Tina Turner's character from Beyond Thunderdome.

In New York, protesters staged a silent march against the NYPD's stop-and-frisk tactics of targeting minority youths for police harassment. The march lasted longer than planned, though, as the cops stopped and frisked every young minority they saw.

The Roman Catholic Church has dismissed a poll suggesting the majority of people in Scotland support same-sex marriage, saying the poll is faulty due to its "reliance on scientific methodology."

Governor Romney called President Obama's decision to stop deporting illegal immigrants brought to the U.S. as children an election-year political move meant to capitalize on the human emotion of love for children.

In Oregon, a 67 year-old woman was trapped under a dresser for four days. Next time, buy Ikea. No one ever got trapped under a piece of furniture that falls apart in a strong breeze.

And finally, an Oregon man contracted the plague recently after trying to remove a dead rodent from the mouth of a stray cat. Said the man, "it's okay, this is actually a two-fer on my 'Incredibly Disgusting' scavenger hunt."

Soap, people.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 13, 2012

Hey, how's it going? Didja miss me? Well, now I'm back, and thanks for waiting. Let's have some jokes.

In baseball news, Alex Rodriguez hit his 23rd grand slam, tying the record held by Yankee legend Lou Gehrig. A-Rod is currently also the all-time record-holder for STDs.

In news from Broadway, Cybil Shepherd, John Stamos and Kristin Davis are stepping in as the new principle cast in Gore Vidal's The Best Man, or as it will be now known, The Second-Best Man.

U.N. observers in Syria now say the country is in a civil war. Oh, sorry, wait, this is from a year ago. What's that? Yesterday? Awkward...

Fast food purveyors Burger King have announced a new bacon sundae for this summer. It's the central item on their new "You're Gonna Puke Menu."

Smashing Pumpkins' frontman Billy Corgan let loose on Radiohead this week, saying he would "piss" on the British rockers. He then went on to release a full album on time that was praised by fans and critics for its timely, evolved sound. Just kidding!

How about JPOP? Japanese girl-group AKB48 is rising in popularity, in part because of its reliance on fan voting to determine the band's ever-changing lineup. In a related story, Mitt Romney was recently seen wearing a Sailor Moon outfit.

Executives from ABC are urging a federal judge to quit blocking the premier of a new reality show this summer. Wait, judges can do that? I gotta go file some lawsuits.

And finally, musicianbag John Mayer said recently that he was upset Taylor Swift over her tell-off song "Dear John," which he assumes is about him. Swift clarified that the song isn't about him, but her B-side "Dear Douchebag, Here are the Reasons You Suck" may be about him. In a related story, the rest of us are upset with John Mayer over every crappy song he has ever recorded.

That's all! Thanks, everyone!

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2012

Snap into a topical joke blog! Ooh, yeah! That's one spicy humor blog! I'm not good at advertising, or banter this week. But then again... jokes!

Barbara Walters apologized this week for helping an aide to Syria's Monster-in-Chief, Bashar Assad, who was trying to get a job in America. But then again, she said the same thing about Debbie Matenopoulos. 

Yesterday, the Olympic flame entered Dublin, Ireland. Several hours later, it slowly stumbled out, looking for eggs and hash.

Restaurant chain Taco Bell is trying to combat its image as a cheap, late-night fast food spot. So, they're introducing upscale items to the menu, hoping to give customers a classier diarrhea experience.

Actor and life-coach Charlie Sheen told Rolling Stone in an interview this week that he "was in total denial" in his life until recently, but has finally come to his senses. And by that, he means he finally admits that Two and a Half Men was a terrible show. Oh, and probably something about not doing cocaine, I would guess.

Mitt Romney's personal email may have been hacked. Friends and family became suspicious when they started receiving emails from the former Governor that were logically coherent and full of factually correct information.

Hey, music fans! Ziggy Stardust just turned 40 years old! But that's only 21 in Martian Spider years.

Technology news now! A hacker claimed yesterday to have stolen 6.5 million passwords from the LinkedIn social networking site. Industry experts doubt the claim, though, as clearly there have never been 6.5 million LinkedIn users.

And finally, in other tech news, Ironfire Capital founder Eric Jackson said yesterday that Facebook will disappear in a few years. He's also very optimistic about his genital herpes clearing up any time now.

</ha ha ha> until tomorrow!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 6, 2012

Fair warning, these jokes might reveal something of a political bias. You've been warned. And now, JOKES!

Satellite imagery confirms that Iran is destroying suspected nuclear sites ahead of international inspections. It's okay, Iran. We all know you're chasing nuclear weapons. You're not fooling anyone. It's like Larry Craig talking about how much he doesn't like sex with men after being caught soliciting sex with men in public. Just be out and proud, Iran.

In American news, actors Kevin Costner and Stephen Baldwin are headed to court over a failed machine they made to clean up the 2010 Gulf of Mexico oil spill. Look for it to be the most interesting performance from either of them in a decade.

Musician Simon Le Bon was angry that his band, Duran Duran, wasn't invited to perform for the Queen's 60th Jubilee this week. Tough break when you're not cool enough for an 86 year-old English lady.

Shares of Research in Motion, makers of the BlackBerry smartphone, have dipped below $10 per share, meaning that it is now cheaper to own BlackBerry than it is to own a BlackBerry.

Senator Rand Paul (wait, is that right? He's a Senator?) helped defeat the Paycheck Fairness Act this week, comparing the bill, which would require men and women to be paid the same amount for the same work, to the old Soviet Politburo. That's right, isn't it? The Politburo was all about feminism and equal rights, wasn't it? Yeah, probably. Look, he's a man, so let's trust him.

In Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker managed to hold onto his seat, surviving a recall election with 58% of the vote. In a related story, the new Doritos Locos Taco is the most popular item Taco Bell has ever sold, moving over 100million units. Not saying there's a correlation, just that with the right marketing blitz, you can get people to swallow just about any piece of shit.

Speaking of, Donald Trump complained yesterday about being saddled with the term "birther" which he called derogatory. It sucks, doesn't it, when people insist upon calling you something, over and over-- even if it isn't true-- until it just sticks like that. How awful.

And finally, 46% of Americans believe in evolution, which is a pretty strong argument that it doesn't work on brains.

That's all. Tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow. Till then, auf wiedersehen!

Monday, June 4, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 5, 2012

Alright, alright. I'll write. It's Tuesday all across America. Very important day in politics. Hope you all had a great breakfast. Yes, the banter is particularly disjointed today. Apologies. All apologies. Smells like Teen Spirit. By Mennen. I really shouldn't try to banter while watching the Thunder play.

Okay, how about some jokes?

Actor and activist Brad Pitt is lending his voice to a radio production of the marriage equality play 8, which is far less depressing than it's prequel Se7en. But both still oddly feature Gwenyth Paltrow's severed head.

In great news for terrible people, word is coming down that soon kids may be able to join Facebook, so they won't have to pretend they're adults anymore. At the same time, creepy old dudes will no longer have to pretend that they're kids pretending to be 14 years old. The Internet is confusing.

In Catholicism news, Sister Margaret Farley was denounced by the Vatican for writing a theological rationale for gay relationships and masturbation. The Vatican said her work "poses grave harm," which means they probably don't understand the mechanics of sex.

In sad news, a Black Bear was euthanized after it ate the remains of a murderer in Canada. Guys, nobody eat that bear. Seriously. Stop the cycle.

Four men were found guilty in Denmark for planning a terror plot against a newspaper for publishing cartoons of the Prophet Muhammed. But no one seems to give a shit about all the newspapers in the world that carry The Family Circus.

Economists figured out recently that a victory this November by President Obama will end up costing Mitt Romney $5million in tax increases. A Romney victory, on the other hand, will wind up costing him substantially more.

Because he has to spend a lot of money for votes.

Comedian Bill Maher just bought a stake in the New York Mets baseball team because he really does have a love of good jokes.

And finally, psychologists are working to understand a new mental disorder they're calling the "Truman Show delusion," which makes people think they're living in a counterfeit world, watched by everyone, just like the movie The Truman Show. There's also a lesser known "NBC delusion" that makes people think that no one is watching them, ever.

Whew. Thunder up, my friends.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - June 4, 2012

What's this?! Technology has wrought an out-loud recording of joke-like humor materials?! Yes, that's what's happened. Enjoy the weekend rundown, featuring:

Hosni Mubarak!
Official Bastard.

Joe Biden! (no relation)
Look at those teeth!


Ice Cream!

President Obama!
For better or worse.

Acronyms are hard, sometimes

GLAD! (no relation)

Isn't that fun! Listen and download, a'ight?!