Thursday, September 24, 2015

September 24, 2015: Let's See the Birther Certificate

Remember that guy who jacked up the price on a 62-year-old toxoplasmosis drug from $13.50 to $750 per pill? Yeah, Donald Trump just called him "disgusting" and "a disgrace," which may be a condemnation or an indication that Trump plans to hire him.

Speaking of Trump speaking, he also said that the birther movement started with Hillary Clinton. He went on to say it was her idea for him to start put his name on all his buildings in giant letters, say creepy things about how hot his daughter is, and to way over-use the word 'huge' in conversation.

The U.S. Department of Defense revealed that fingerprint files for 5.6 million people were stolen in a recent data breach. A spokesman for the Chinese government said "No, it wasn't nearly that many people," adding "I mean, 'no we didn't.'"

Here's something weird. The Dalai Lama said that he thinks it's possible for there to be a female Dalai Lama, although she would have to be "very, very attractive." It's possible he was confusing "Dalai Lama" with "meteorologist on a Spanish language morning show."

Or he's just fucking with us. When you've been reincarnated that many times, you probably develop all sorts of hyper-specific inside jokes that only your previous incarnations get. Kinda like reading this blog from the beginning.

Former University of Oklahoma football player Marcus Dupree revealed recently that when he was recruited by colleges in the early 1980s, one of them offered him an oil well as a signing bonus. Because everyone knows how much college kids love their oil wells. They'd much rather have some mineral rights than a shiny Corvette filled with hookers made out of cocaine. Duh.

Former penal colony Australia is set to deny entry to former singer Chris Brown over his history of violence. Australia, the country whose national bird is a punch in the teeth, has said "no" to Chris Brown. The continent where kangaroos and koalas get into bar fights, where the national anthem includes the sound of people spitting out their own broken teeth, where the Queen started her own chapter of Fight Club, has deemed Chris Brown an unacceptable risk. Well done, Australia.

Pope Francis is in the U.S., having not been deemed an unnecessarily violent threat to the peace. After addressing Congress, the Pope blew off an offer to lunch with Congressional leadership to instead eat with the homeless in DC, probably because the homeless aren't a bunch of assholes.

While in the States, Pope Francis is speaking out on climate change, poverty and the dangers of capitalism. And, he'll also show you some sweet kick moves for the next time you're playing Hacky Sack.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

September 23, 2015: There's Nutella-ing What Some People Will Do

Sean Penn just sued Lee Daniels for implying that he is a spousal abuser, and Penn is reportedly furious. It's lucky for Daniels that he isn't a photographer.

That joke was for the old people.

Instagram now has over 400 million users and 40 billion photographs, and the company claims that only 35 billion of those photos are from brunch last week.

Speaking of pointless Internet photos, there is no truth to the rumor that more people die taking selfies than from shark attacks each year. Unless you count the people who die on the inside each time the camera steals part of their souls.

Los Angeles is pledging a $100 million increase in programs to help the city's homeless. It's a big departure from their previous plan: do nothing and wait for the homeless to leave once the city becomes completely uninhabitable, like Phoenix.

Also in LA, a 78-year-old man at Costco was punched in the face and hospitalized after confronting another shopper about taking all the Nutella waffle samples. Luckily this didn't occur over by the hunting knife samples.

There's no such thing as that, don't worry.

Leonardo DiCaprio announced that he will be selling off all his fossil fuel stocks investments, then encouraged others to follow his example. How about we follow your example and have some stocks and investments in the first place?

Congress is threatening to shut down the government again over funding for Planned Parenthood, though most observers suspect that Congress will terminate the effort before the end of the term.

And finally, Pope Francis has arrived in the U.S. for an official visit. Pollsters already have him in a dead heat with Hillary Clinton.

Good morning!

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

September 22, 2015: These Boots Were Made for Walker

Tennis star James Blake met with NYC Mayor Bill DeBlasio yesterday to discuss the NYPD officer who assaulted and tackled Blake recently outside his hotel. Blake said it was a productive meeting, and as a result he's been offered a position with the New York Giants, training Eli Manning in the proper way to go down when tackled.

Presidential hopeful Scott Walker dropped out of the race yesterday. Already the other candidates are fighting over his donor network, while Donald Trump laid claim to Walker's haircut.

Walker's departure comes just after Dr. Ben Carson announced he would never support a Muslim candidate for President unless he renounced sharia law. Coincidence? Or is Scott Walker secretly Muslim?!

Former hedge fund asshole Martin Shkreli just bought up the patent for a 62-year-old medicine used to treat AIDS complications, and jacked up the price from $13.50 to $750 per pill. The drug, Daraprim, is used by patients with compromised immune systems, like children, the elderly and AIDS patients, to fight off toxoplasmosis, an opportunistic parasite spread through feces, which also seems to be an accurate way to describe Mr. Shkreli.

Hillary Clinton is proposing a price cap on prescription drugs of $250 per month...
... because Bill's Viagra was breaking the bank.
... because she's in the pocket of the Big People Who Want To Continue Living lobby.
... so expect Walgreen's and CVS to start charging $400 for plastic pill bottles.
... but don't worry, heroin is not covered.

In other news, scientists have created a computer capable of passing high school geometry, but they still can't make one that is any good at talking to girls.

Monday, September 21, 2015

September 21, 2015: Litter-ally the Worst

Congrats to all the Emmy winners, specifically to HBO's Veep and Game of Thrones. One is a pessimistic examination of how human nature can be corrupted and compromised by the quest for power, and the other one has dragons and stuff.

In Colorado, a homeless man was sentenced to six months in prison for massive littering. In fact, he dumped over four tons of garbage in a national forest...
... Volunteers said the forest was more disgusting than Donald Trump hitting on his own daughter.
... It was the most heinous dump taken in Colorado since Alferd Packer got out of prison.
... and now Smokey the Bear has hepatitis.
... and at least half of it was the starting lineup for the Denver Nuggets.
... next, on the season premier of Outdoor Hoarders.
... So now Sesame Street will be going on hiatus until Oscar finishes serving the sentence.
... otherwise known as the Mile High Music Festival.
... so if your Coors Light tastes a little funny, that's probably why.

In other disgusting news, Ben Carson said that he could not support a Muslim for President, because the Qur'an is incompatible with the U.S. Constitution, adding "yeah, I know that sounds crazy, but it's at most the second craziest thing you're going to hear a presidential candidate say today."

Speaking of Trump saying crazy things, the latest (as of this joke being written), is that Mr. Trump doesn't accept that Pres. Obama was born in the U.S. and is not a Muslim. He can't accept those facts, but has no trouble believing:
... that thing on his head looks like human hair.
... putting your name on enough buildings will make your dick seem bigger.
... there's nothing hypocritical about decrying the use of cheap Mexican labor by American companies while simultaneously having his clothing line assembled in Mexico.
... people like him for who he is.

And one more: Hillary Clinton said that Donald Trump's hair looks like Dairy Queen soft serve ice cream, and now she's being sued by Dairy Queen.

Speaking of Hillary Clinton, she made some news recently for dancing with supporters on a rope line in New Hampshire. The dancing turned a little competitive, with Sec. Clinton eventually yelling in a supporter's face: YOU GOT SERVERED! It was almost as awkward as the last two years of her husband's presidency.

Later, gators!

Friday, September 18, 2015

September 18, 2015: Yeah, It Cuts Like 3,500 Knives

The CNN GOP Presidential debate this week spurred the network's highest ratings ever, which is amazing considering that the whole program was just a super-long episode of A&E's Intervention.

European countries are locking down their borders to slow the flow of immigrants and asylum-seekers, saying that their countries just can't handle all the extra people, and that taking in so many expats would do irreparable harm to the European Union. After all, look what happened to so many African nations that took in a bunch of Europeans back in the 1800s. Those places are fucked now.

Speaking of refugees, a refugee in Hungary was just offered a job coaching football (European version) in Spain. He was seen in a viral video last week being tripped by a reporter and falling over as he ran. Presumably he won the role after his fall earned a red card for the reporter.

Japanese lawmakers debated new legislation to reinterpret the nation's post-World War II pacifist constitution and allow Japanese forces to fight overseas once more. The debate about Japan's pacifism devolved into a physical brawl among the legislators, so looks like everything is going to be fine.

Incidentally, they passed new tax credits for irony with no opposition.

The U.S. Navy has agreed to new conditions on sonar usage in the Pacific Ocean, specifically to limit the harm done by sonar to blue whale populations. Apparently whale populations have taken a hit in recent years because Navy sonar systems use the same frequencies as the whale version of Tinder.

Police in Florida arrested a 47-year-old woman for parole violations, and found her in possession of over 3,500 various swords, hatchets, knives, axes and other edged weapons in her trailer home. She was charged with one count of assaulting an officer and 3,500 counts of "being exactly what the other 49 states think of Florida."

Following news that actor/comedian Steve Rannazzisi lied about being a 9/11 survivor, Buffalo Wild Wings dropped Rannazzisi as their company spokesman. Fortunately he's found work representing diarrhea, so it's a lateral move.

And finally, Internet star Andy George spent a year and $1,500 to make one sandwich from scratch, which is actually not a bad deal when you consider how much the average man spends on finding and keeping a girlfriend.

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, September 17, 2015

September 17, 2015: It's All Whataburger Under the Bridge

In Texas yesterday a 14-year-old kid was arrested for bringing a science project to school. Before you jump to any conclusions and start praising our nation's nerd-shaming capabilities, you should know that the school cops thought the project was a bomb, possibly because the kid's name is Ahmed Mohamed. Sure, this sounds bad, and it makes our country look bad, but at least they didn't shoot the kid. Silver lining, America.

In other Texas news, a north Texas Whataburger employee was fired after refusing to serve burgers to two officers. What's really sad about this story is that the employee was actually trying to protect the officers. Well, trying to protect their colons, anyway.

Speaking of total colons, Tom Brady just announced his support for Donald Trump in the presidential elections. We get it, Tom: you're a villain now. There hasn't been a face/heel turn so blatant since the great wrestler King Karl reinvented himself as Heinrich the Orphan-Kicker.

Oh, also: Tom Brady likes Donald Trump something something something because he's full of hot air or whatever.

In the run-up to the GOP debate last night, President Obama said there was nothing patriotic about "talking down America" to score points with voters. He got pretty intense about it, but you should hear how angry he gets when people starting talkin' smack about Kenya.

In other international news, Hungary started using tear gas and water cannons to fight back expats trying to get through a razor-wire fence and minefields in order to seek asylum in Serbia. Pretty sure that if the razor-wire, landmines, and Serbia don't deter you, a little water and tear gas won't make much difference.

In news of how American intervention in the middle east is always a good thing: a top US commander just confirmed that only four or five of the Pentagon-trained fighters are in Syria right now. That's not even enough fighters for an Expendables sequel. Although in this case, it's clear that they are far more expendable to the US than anyone in those films.

Researchers from Dartmouth uncovered evidence that rising temperatures in the arctic are disproportionately benefiting mosquitoes, which leads to the inevitable conclusion that the GOP is in the pocket of the big mosquito lobby. Bunch of bloodsuckers.

And finally, the Olive Garden is back in the news with their Pasta Pass, a $100 card that allows guests to eat as much pasta as they can for seven weeks. An employee at a north Texas location was just fired for refusing to sell passes to two cops.

Also, the Pasta Pass comes with complimentary Rohypnol, so you can dose yourself at the start of the meal and blackout all the shameful things you are about to do.

That's it! Now go forth and do shameful things.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

September 16, 2015: Ask Not For Whom the Taco Bell Tolls, it Tolls for Last Call

Tonight brings the second Republican Presidential Debate, and expectations are high for front-runner Donald Trump. He recently expanded his "Everything You Like and None of the Stuff You Hate" platform, which has been winning over GOP voters tired of being pandered to by politicians. They are really excited about being pandered to by a real estate developer for a while.

Former Gov. Jeb Bush unveiled his new Spanish-language political ad. It's quite an accomplishment for the candidate, proving that he has what it takes to be incredibly boring in two languages at once.

In Way Back Wednesday news, Carly Fiorina's old company, Hewlett Packard, honored the former CEO this week with one of her favorite activities: firing 30,000 employees.

In other Presidential Hopeless news, Gov. Bobby Jindal said yesterday that "Trump is a madman who must be stopped." Although it's not clear if that was an official statement, or an excerpt from Jindal's 24 fan-fic.

Admit it: you'd read that if it really existed.

Snapchat may soon allow users to replay deleted messages, for a cost. Representatives from the Clinton campaign have inquired about the price to make sure messages stay deleted.

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos announced plans to build and launch rockets from Florida, because he takes Prime Shipping seriously.

Also, he's probably a James Bond-style supervillain, blah blah blah.

Archaeologists have discovered evidence that ancient paleolithic humans ate oatmeal. They also discovered that even ancient paleolithic humans were sick and tired of hearing about the Paleo Diet.

Speaking of regrettable food choices, Taco Bell is opening a new cantina-style restaurant, with an upscale menu, alcohol, and more elegant dining rooms. It's all part of a new push by the company to offer visitors the chance to have a classier diarrhea experience.

Also, you can now get a frozen drink that mixes Mountain Dew drink with rum, tequila or vodka. It used to be you could only find that kind of beverage in the freshman dorms at Florida State.

Order up!

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

September 15, 2015: Good, Clean Fun (Unless You're a Refugee)

Over the weekend, Germany instituted stricter border controls to manage the influx of refugees from Austria. They had to bring out the riot police they normally keep in reserve for crowd control at David Hasslehoff concerts.

Yes, I made a Germans-love-David-Hasslehoff joke in 2015. No refunds.

Officials in Munich were concerned about the vast number of refugees relocated to their city. Violence, overflowing sewers, irritatingly loud ethnic music... the refugees had better leave quickly, or they'll be forced to endure all that and more during Oktoberfest.

Speaking of parties, Playboy just released its list of top US party schools, a vital tool for high school students looking to apply to the nation's best programs for pharmaceutical reps.

Nintendo picked a new president yesterday, Tatsumi Kimishima, who was praised by the board for his vision, energy, and ability to punch bricks so hard with his bare hands that coins fly out. Also, he's got the Triforce, so he can do pretty much whatever he wants now.

Kids are getting drunk off of alcohol-based hand sanitizers, according to poison control centers across the country. Still, they're probably better off than the kids in the 90s who had to drink Zima.

China announced plans to visit the dark side of the Moon, sparking a huge upsurge in applications to the country's space program after it was made known that the Moon currently has no smog. Or they're looking forward being the first humans to ever be in a traffic jam on the Moon. You pick.

The IRS says it will no longer accept checks of $100 million or more. But good news! If you have a tax bill of 100 million dollars or more, you're probably going to just spend that money on lobbyists to create loopholes so you don't have to pay anything at all cough cough Apple cough cough.

And finally, Jaguar announced their first ever official off-road vehicle. I say "official," because as any rock-star or Kelsey Grammer knows, any car can be an off-road vehicle if you drink enough.

And on with the show.

Monday, September 14, 2015

September 14, 2015: It'll be a Coldplay in Hell before Kim Davis does her job

After a brief hiatus, here we are again.

Popular UK band Coldplay made a surprise visit to India to shoot a new music video. This is a vast improvement over previous "surprise visits" to India from the UK that involved shooting.

Speaking of India, Prime Minister Narendra Modi will be joining Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg for a Q&A session about "how communities can work together to address social and economic challenges." Also, Modi will be asking how he can uninstall Facebook Messenger.

In other tech news, Google just hired the former Hyundai CEO John Krafcik to run their self-driving car division. It should be a perfect fit for Krafcik, who has plenty of experience with cars no one wants to drive.

Archaeologists have uncovered 10,000-year-old stone tools in Seattle. Scientists speculate that the tools were used to make primitive lattes. Or flannel. Whichever punchline you prefer.

Also in Seattle, schools will be closed again today for the fourth day of an ongoing teacher strike. Parents are scrambling to find daycare solutions, and may be forced to take their kids to the office. By which I mean Starbucks. If this strike goes on much longer, it could be a huge blow to the Poorly-Written Novels and Screenplays industry.

A recent Washington Post-ABC poll found that Hillary Clinton is losing support among white women. Thankfully, white women's support for Shonda Rhimes is at an all-time high.

Embattled county clerk Kim Davis will be back at work today following her imprisonment for being held in contempt of court. Rumor has it she will continue to defy the federal court order and return to prison, hoping for her own prison reality show: Orange is the New Bigot.

Have a great day! See you tomorrow?